Hate and revenge

betaboy

Namaste,

Let's say you've been insulted by X many times. How can we NOT hate him in return - because hate, rather than love, seems to be the most natural reaction? Second, let's say X is now poor or in some humiliating condition. Again, the natural reaction is to enjoy X's condition or even make fun of him openly and ruthlessly, because he himself used to make fun of our condition in the exact same manner. So revenge in this instance feels like some sort of justice.

How do we overcome all this? I mean, feelings of hate and revenge just come out of nowhere and catch you unawares. You don't even have the time to think, so how are you gonna act and act correctly? It feels so natural to return hate with hate, it feels so tempting to bully the bully ... so how is one to develop maturity so that one doesn't fall into this trap?

BB

mugzy

When someone strikes you with a stick, are you angry at the stick, the person hitting you, or the angry emotion which drives them to strike you?

In situations like this it is important to generate strong compassion for the person who is harming you. We can step back and see that this person is suffering, just like we are, and wants happiness the same way that we do. Seeing them in a humilating or painful condition should not bring us joy, because their misery will not make them happier people. If they were happy, they would most likely not be insulting us and causing us to be miserable ourselves.

Although responding with compassion is easy advice to give, I personally know that it is easier said than done! What we often forget is that these things take time. We do not become bodhisattvas or fully awakened beings overnight. With training, we can develop the skills so that our natural reaction is one of love and compassion instead of hate and revenge.

Blackmoth

I don't remember having this problem. i grew up lerning to be kind to all people and i've never had a hard time forgiving people. but if i had to answher i think that you should meditate on why he/she may have ben mean to you. explain to yourself why it cold be resonable for him/her to bully you. if you can do that ,it shold be esyer to forgive and help him/her when he/she needs it.

mugzy

@Blackmoth you are lucky if forgiveness comes easy to you. I have been working on increasing my patience and being more forgiving for many years and it's still a struggle!

Blackmoth

@Blackmoth you are lucky if forgiveness comes easy to you. I have been working on increasing my patience and being more forgiving for many years and it's still a struggle!

yes i feel verry lucky. my mother told me that i've ben like that since i was a child so my best gues is that it's something that i've goten from my previous life

seeker242

Namaste,

Let's say you've been insulted by X many times. How can we NOT hate him in return - because hate, rather than love, seems to be the most natural reaction? Second, let's say X is now poor or in some humiliating condition. Again, the natural reaction is to enjoy X's condition or even make fun of him openly and ruthlessly, because he himself used to make fun of our condition in the exact same manner. So revenge in this instance feels like some sort of justice.

How do we overcome all this? I mean, feelings of hate and revenge just come out of nowhere and catch you unawares. You don't even have the time to think, so how are you gonna act and act correctly? It feels so natural to return hate with hate, it feels so tempting to bully the bully ... so how is one to develop maturity so that one doesn't fall into this trap?

BB

By deliberately training your mind to not react that way, using the typical Buddhist practices of meditation, mindfulness, etc.

aMatt

Betaboy,

It can be a difficult thing to stop hating those that do us harm, and begin to relate to them with compassion. One of the easiest training methods in my opinion is to sit in contemplation of how emotions drive our unhappiness.

Emotions such as anger, which drives you to revel in the bully's painful experiences, is something that your mind thinks is perhaps "justice". However, the hate is something that is causing you terrible pain. If you ignore everyone else for a moment, and just look at the emotion of anger... that hate is doing you harm, is bad for your mind, your body, your future. Betaboy+anger=suffering

If you sit with that, observe the anger with your mind, then you can also notice that you are not your emotion. There is betaboy, and there is his sensation of anger. Calming anger is like soothing a scared barking puppy. Hold it gently, pet and caress it, tell it soothing stories, and sing it songs.

Talk to the anger, let it know that the bully is just a kid trying to make his way in the world. That the bully is full of ignorant anger, and is feeling bad things too. That children get twisted up in the dysfunctional garbage around them, and the poor bully is perhaps stuck fast. Whatever fuels the bully's actions is lovable, understandable. He's a kid, just like us.

As you revel in another's pain, you are just like the bully. So also talk to yourself, hold yourself, nurture the hatred and anger as inside you. Its ok to feel angry with others, and its natural to be in pain when they hurt us, but its not very helpful. Bullies need compassion even more than others, because their pain is so loud they are trying to get rid of it onto others.

With warmth,

Matt

person

@betaboy There's some good advice on how to deal with anger already. I just want to point out that anger and hate aren't necessarily 'natural' reactions for everyone. Our responses and attitudes towards things are just our conditioning from earlier in this life and ultimately previous lives, they aren't a solid, permanent part of us. We can change them, thats what Buddhist practice is largely about. Its not quick or easy, like changing any habit. But if you reflect on the downside of your negative reaction and the upside of its opposite you can develop the motivation to change it. Then you can apply the methods to overcome and change your reactions that aMatt laid out or that you can find from most Buddhist sources.

http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/anger.html

kayte

Betaboy- I don't know the circumstances that led you to feel the way that you do and I don't want to dredge it up because it won't help you. Aggressive, cruel people are not all motivated by the same reasons. Some seek out soft targets because it is the least risk to themselves. Others act out on any slight or perceived injury and extract what they feel is the vengeance due to them. Others have a behavior disorder.

Society has been very lax about dealing with this type of harmful behavior. Bullies could not act out and cause as much harm as they do without direct or indirect approval of society. I'm not saying that society deliberately encourages this behavior, but allows it to go on. Aggressive behavior is being presented as necessary for success. Narcissism is being confused with healthy self awareness. Bullies are often excused as being insecure, having low self esteem, reacting to their own pain, etc. This is only true in a few cases. It's a misconception that has helped this negative behavior become mainstreamed into society.

Betaboy, it's normal to feel the way that you do. It's up to you to decide how you want to deal with those emotions. Does taking pleasure in the bully's humiliation improve your life? Do you like yourself when you indulge in gloating? Do you think that it helps or hurts you in the long run? Will it set you back in your practice and development? Do you want to be like the person that you hate? Is that the state of consciousness that you want to live in? How does your attitude affect others? What example are you setting for others? I'm sure that there are many other questions that you could ask yourself.

The main thing is- what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a negative or positive contributor to society. If enough people chose to be positive- wouldn't this help to change society for the better? Think of the brave and selfless people who risked themselves to bring about epic changes in the world. It often starts small and grows as it inspires others.

santhisouk

Just remember that life is a test. Nobody gets off easy. For a long period of time, I felt that I could never get angry at anyone for anything, then it happens. It was a terrible feeling, and this was the worst anger I had ever felt. That anger turned into anguish, then turned into suffering, sorrow for oneself, and eventually tears. It also got to the point where it affected me physically by giving me headaches as such. Yet I was mindful of the whole experience and that made all the difference.

Now thinking back I realize that anger is something that is just part of the human psyche, yet its controllable. Having gone through that experience I felt as though I am more stronger now, and more prepared for it. I believe as long as we are mindful of it we will grow stronger from each experience. I am still the person who believes that I can never be angry at anyone, and I am awaiting the next time it will hit me again. I am sure there will be a point where I will welcome it each time, but I am far from that.

With metta,
Santhisouk

Kundo

@betaboy - I totally understand what you are saying and I still feel so much hurt and anger as X in my case was my boss and ruined me for the company I was working for. It is hard for me because I see X living the high life and have tried to tell myself "It's not X's time for karma for actions concerning me to ripen yet" At best, that self talk helps me calm down a bit, at worst, it just inflames my anger even more

In metta,
Raven

BuckyG

betaboy: are you familiar with the behavior analysis principle of extinction and extinction schedule techniques?

betaboy

betaboy: are you familiar with the behavior analysis principle of extinction and extinction schedule techniques?

Nope.

skwong

Betaboy, you are a lucky person. Your true mind is actually giving you the hint that you have to do something about your anger and revenge emotion. Your mind of compassion is actually trying to say something "hei your have to control your anger, this is not right". All you have to do is to find a way to deal with your anger and you will get to your "true mind". At least you feel that your are angry and you have to control it, that is already a great step.

BuckyG

betaboy: are you familiar with the behavior analysis principle of extinction and extinction schedule techniques?

Nope.

Ignore 'em (don't reinforce there behavior).:buck:

Bodha8

Anger and Hatred are the most negative and hurtful emotions of humankind. We all have suffered from this malady at one time or another.

In order to overcome these issues we must exercise compassion and loving kindness. For when one feels compassion towards another it becomes impossible to feel anger or hatred to that same sentient being.

In order to accomplish this we must first develop self compassion, self forgiveness and loving kindness toward ourselves.

Once we realize and understand that we are all connected through universal oneness and the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, then we can see ourselves in others and feel compassion for the human frailty within them. At this point it becomes impossible to hate or be angry with them.

Namaste

zen_world

I think as long as you are in this human body, you will get angry and feel hatred. You can go through all fantastic meditation experience but in everyday life you will be angry and hateful from time to time. Inevitable...
The only thing that we can do is to observe it and do not act when we are angry. So we can prevent harming others.
Do not surprass anger or do not behave like it is not there...just watch it with no any other action until it disappears.