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Three Monks walk into a cave.....
BonsaiDoug
Simply, on the path. Veteran
Three Monks are meditating silently in a cave.
A few months pass by and there's a noise outside the cave.
Six months of silence follows and the first Monk says: Did you hear that goat?
A year of silence follows when the second Monk says: That wasn't a goat. It was a cow.
Two years later the third Monk says: If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!
A few months pass by and there's a noise outside the cave.
Six months of silence follows and the first Monk says: Did you hear that goat?
A year of silence follows when the second Monk says: That wasn't a goat. It was a cow.
Two years later the third Monk says: If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!
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First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
The second monk slaps him across the face.
First monk: "Why did you do that?"
"I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird stuff like that."
Now one of the townfolk recognised the crazy fool and stepped to him asking, "My old friend, what is this new business of yours? Why are all these people following you and doing everything you do?"
The crazy fool replied, "My friend, these people made me their Sufi Sheikh and they in turn obliged themselves to be my Murdi (apprentices) - I am bound to help them find enlightenment!"
The man was confused, "But what do you know of the way of the Sufi? How could you be a Sheikh to them?"
"I dont know!", replied the crazy fool.
"Then how will you know if you have succeeded in helping them to enlightenment?" asked the man.
"That's the easy part!" replied the crazy fool, "Every morning I count them and the ones that are missing are enlightened!"
Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin.
One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:
稽首天中天，
毫光照大千；
八风吹不动，
端坐紫金莲。
I bow my head to the heaven within heaven,
Hairline rays illuminating the universe,
The eight winds cannot move me,
Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus.
The “eight winds (八风)” in the poem referred to praise (称), ridicule (讥), honor (誉), disgrace (毁), gain (得), loss (失), pleasure (乐) and misery (苦) – interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.
Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Fo Yin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Fo Yin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote “fart” on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.
Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw “fart” written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: “How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He’s got a lot of explaining to do!”
Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Fo Yin and demand an apology. However, Fo Yin’s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:
八风吹不动，
一屁弹过江。
The eight winds cannot move me,
One fart blows me across the river.
This stopped Su Dongpo cold. Fo Yin had anticipated this hot-headed visit. Su Dongpo’s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend’s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement, completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked?
With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Fo Yin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly.
This event proved to be a turning point in Su Dongpo’s spiritual development. From that point on, he became a man of humility, and not merely someone who boasted of possessing the virtue.
“People who walked past the tree and read the sign stopped and tried to figure out this riddle. How could they see this crooked tree as straight? Many people circled the tree, some several times. Others laid flat on the ground and looked up from below. A few climbed the tree and one person brought a ladder so as to get a glimpse of the tree from above the crown.
“But nobody figured out how to see the crooked tree as straight.”
“So the riddle went unsolved and word of this challenge spread throughout the province.”
“One day Ikyu came walking by and read the sign. He looked at the tree and immediately went to the governor’s estate. He claimed, ” I have solved the riddle and would like my prize.” Somewhat surprised, and perhaps a bit suspicious the governor asked, “how did you see the crooked tree straight?” And Ikkyu answered, “It is crooked.” A crooked tree is crooked and to see it “just as it is” is to see it straight.”
Because they have no attachments.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says: Make me one with everything.
Dukkha says, “Life sucks!” Anicca says, “This will pass!” Anatta says, “You talkin’ to ME?!”
Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?
They have no soul.
He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”
“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!”
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE !!! "
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
How did the birthday child respond?
You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
When asked what he wanted for his birthday,
the Yogi replied, "I wish no gifts" only presence.
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
~ Ajahn Brahm
A man was sitting at a bar on a hot summer day, nursing a beer, all alone except for the bartender, when a Zen monk walked in and sat down. The old monk gave a deep sigh and wiped the sweat off his bald head with a napkin, obviously enjoying the air conditioning.
"Hey!" said the bartender, "I told you, the boss ordered me to only let people in here if they buy a drink. And none of that glass of water stuff. Something that costs money."
"Very well," said the monk. "Please give me a shot of your best whiskey."
The bartender took his time, continuing to stock the bar, but eventually went over and placed an empty shotglass on the table before the monk.
"And where is my whiskey?" the monk asked.
"I've already given it to you," the bartender replied.
"Then I already drank it," the monk said, and got up to leave.
"Wait a minute," said the bartender. "Where's the payment for the drink?"
"I already paid it," replied the monk, bowing deeply and then leaving. The bartender bowed back and then returned to his post behind the bar.
The lone customer watched all this, fascinated. "Man, that Zen stuff is trippy," he told the bartender. "So that's what enlightenment is all about, is it? All that empty glass talk?"
"Yeah, the old monk is enlightened," the bartender replied with a shrug. "But he's still a lousy tipper."
At the entrance to a Hindu temple there was a beggar always stretching out his hand, asking and pleading for alms. One day he stretched out both of his hands. A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand—why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “Hari Om! Praise God! Business was so good that I opened another branch!”
A monk joins an order in which he must take a vow of silence. Members are, however, allowed to come forward and speak every 10 years. After 10 years, when the new monk gets his chance to speak, he says, "My bed's not very comfortable." Another 10 years go by, and when he next gets to speak he says, "The food's not very good here." Finally, after 30 years with the order when it is again time for him to speak, he announces, "I'm leaving."
The head monk replies, "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is bitch."