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Loneliness is Killing MEE!!!
DaltheJigsaw
Mountain View Veteran
This is exactly how I feel!!!
"I'm confused and conflicted.
I don't really have any friends right now. That is, I have human contact, I go to work, but I don't do anything outside of work with other humans. I feel distant and separated from everyone.
Which is strange, because in Buddhist thought we're all ultimately without separation or self, dependent origination, etc. So how can I feel separated? Yet I do, because the brain of any social animal compels them to seek contact with others. So that's an inescapable skandha, right, so I just need to make sure I'm not attached to it?
Then there's that quote everyone loves to toss around, the one about the rhino. "Be as the rhino and walk alone unless you find someone worth walking with." But we're also told to practice compassion and understanding, and if you're not having contact with other people because you're walking alone, how are you exercising compassion?
I tried going to the Buddhist temple for a while to find some sort of community or belonging in a social sense. I feel stupid for it, because it's just another form of clinging, right? Anyway, the temple didn't bring me anything, as dukkha inhabits all things. Not sure what I expected.
What do I think will change if I have friends or if I talk to people? Possibly being a hermit is a good thing.
But there's something else that gives rise to a thought that violently rejects that notion. No, being a hermit cannot be a good thing, I must be social, I must know people, but how?
I just feel really lonely right now, and I know that indicates my clinging and the lack of depth of my practice and my immaturity. But... I still feel these things. And I'm confused as all hell. Do I need friends? Should I have friends? Do I deserve friends?
I even feel distant from you guys, but I need to talk to somebody.
"Ashgromnies" I'm with this guy! What the hell do I do? Focus on sitting? I'm stuck!!"
"I'm confused and conflicted.
I don't really have any friends right now. That is, I have human contact, I go to work, but I don't do anything outside of work with other humans. I feel distant and separated from everyone.
Which is strange, because in Buddhist thought we're all ultimately without separation or self, dependent origination, etc. So how can I feel separated? Yet I do, because the brain of any social animal compels them to seek contact with others. So that's an inescapable skandha, right, so I just need to make sure I'm not attached to it?
Then there's that quote everyone loves to toss around, the one about the rhino. "Be as the rhino and walk alone unless you find someone worth walking with." But we're also told to practice compassion and understanding, and if you're not having contact with other people because you're walking alone, how are you exercising compassion?
I tried going to the Buddhist temple for a while to find some sort of community or belonging in a social sense. I feel stupid for it, because it's just another form of clinging, right? Anyway, the temple didn't bring me anything, as dukkha inhabits all things. Not sure what I expected.
What do I think will change if I have friends or if I talk to people? Possibly being a hermit is a good thing.
But there's something else that gives rise to a thought that violently rejects that notion. No, being a hermit cannot be a good thing, I must be social, I must know people, but how?
I just feel really lonely right now, and I know that indicates my clinging and the lack of depth of my practice and my immaturity. But... I still feel these things. And I'm confused as all hell. Do I need friends? Should I have friends? Do I deserve friends?
I even feel distant from you guys, but I need to talk to somebody.
"Ashgromnies" I'm with this guy! What the hell do I do? Focus on sitting? I'm stuck!!"
0
Comments
Often the key to “having” and “getting” friendship is being a good friend and offering friendship. Don’t be the one asking and expecting it. Be the one giving it.
Can you see your own Buddha nature?
Can you see it in anybody else?
What then what do you think really separates you from others?
How is your experience different from how the historical Buddha claimed to feel surrounded by a loving family?
Are you just saying that the first noble truth is true?
Personally I am not sure if I would ever have been motivated to practise if I had not felt the way that you describe.
What I have discovered is that feelings (like loneliness) are not who I am
and.
I was never much of a friend to anybody else until I learned how to first be a real friend to myself. (finding some acceptance, compassion & love for who I was)
Zenff offers beautiful advice, and you are right. You are a person, and we need to commune with others. Even the hermits did not stay in their caves indefinitely.
I'm no longer a Buddhist, but an Eastern Orthodox Christian, and we have this simple Prayer of the Heart also known as the Jesus Prayer. It is very similar to a mantra, but it is a prayer. Just focus on the words say them slowly, and try to have the feeling you are saying it to a person, and that he is listening. "Lord Jesus Christ Have Mercy On Me" Recite it several times, even if granted the grace of tears keep going until peace comes upon your heart.
I suffer from social anxiety myself, and this prayer and other practices of my faith has helped me tremendously.
An idealized Buddhism is probably par for the course for anyone sincerely interested. The peaks and pinnacles seem so incredibly bright and distant and difficult and different. The ice is slippery and chasms yawn. Good-better-best nag the intrepid hiker. This is important because ... well, because I am important and my life is important and I don't want to die... I want to get it right and live and succeed.
Practice is about the only choice I can think of when it comes to towering peaks and twinkling ideals.
Go get a hot dog and a beer, smile at the sales person, read a good book, cheer for the home team, give someone a hug, walk barefoot in the grass, call your parents ....
Practice ... it's all I can think of.
First and foremost, I'm sorry for you having the feeling of loneliness. I wish I could support you in any way. The only thing I can say now is that I know what it feels like.
Second, I'd consider taking away all the questions and philosophy you put around it; this concept of no-self, the "brain of social animals" and the other conceptualized things you mentioned, let those go. Because in intellectual crusades you won't find any answers.
So instead, go back to the feeling. What does it feel like? Really feel it as it is and accept this feeling. Where does it come from? People can feel lonely while in the middle of a group of people, so it's not just about being alone. It's also about something else. Can you find that? Perhaps you can work on that. But first, accept the feeling.
Also I wouldn't give up after the first Buddhist temple. Perhaps you can visit other traditions as well. Or of course I hope you can find some friends elsewhere. I think the people who can truly walk as a rhino without pulling themselves down or wandering off are quite rare. The Buddha put emphasis on developing wise and sustainable friendships for a reason. But of course, accepting yourself as you are takes away the major problem.
With metta,
Sabre
I'm going to side with the rhinoceros on this one though.
I think you need to read and re read what you typed in the first post and hopefully through contemplation you'll get some kind of understanding of something. I cannot help you much there.
You must decide what is most important to you.
What is number one on the list..
is it
1. Spiritual Practice
or worldly concerns that ultimately won't lead to long term benefit for all?
If you focus on things and do things for this life only then that is all you will get are things in this life.
Considering your precious human life in these ways and realizing that engaging in any worldly activities is like trying to winnow something meaningful from chaff, you must try to take the essence of life at all times, day and night.
The body you are renting will be dead very soon.
I had a lot of friends before I started practising, as time has gone on I have lost contact with most of them now... And your definitly not the only one with your thoughts, I had your thoughts for a long while, until I fell in love with me.
I still don't have many close friends, I have a lot of people wanting to be close to me, maybe because I'm not judgemental now. All I know is that if you don't know who you are and you don't truly love yourself, life does feel lonley...
Don't beat yourself up about it, let it be and go and find that love for yourself you deserve
Yeah, I'm with the people who said that you gotta go out there and be a friend, rather than waiting for people to come to you. It's terrifying (so much chance for painful rejection) but it's really the only way. Maybe you could try volunteering somewhere to get to know people? It's a nice way to give back to your community and some places have loads of volunteers that you can make friends with.
I know that sometimes work friends don't really count.
I get lonely too sometimes. I'm new to my country and I don't have a work visa yet so I don't get out a lot, so I might even take my own advice here one day, but I do enjoy my own company and don't experience loneliness as overwhelming. It'll just hit me in passing sometimes "oh, I don't really know anybody".
But it's definitely up to you to go out there and meet people if you're feeling lonely, and be a friend to others, first. Be a friend to everyone
Maybe at the same time as going out there and making some friends, you could also work on enjoying being by yourself? Sometimes knowing how to be your own best friend is really valuable.
I come from a place where friendship is quite plentiful. In fact, the Pour House where I go for my coffee pour-overs is called a 'cult'! There is no secret to friendship: one loves the other person as thyself. It is really infectious!
An old dude (almost 70) I spend time with everyone, especially the kids going to the university across the street. I listen to them, and especially listen to their hearts. I make no judgments. If Kelly and Jeff are breaking up, I still love Kelly and Jeff. When Jeff cries, I become empathic, almost crying myself. I tell him I am here for him. After a few good profound hugs, Jeff gets better. When Kristopher was here (he is from Denmark) I was as close to him as his mother and dad. Everyone at the Pour House loved Kristopher, too. I cried like a baby when he had to go back to Denmark. And that is what friendship is really about. I love Sarita, Saraha, Kelly, Alex, Jarret, Jaime, Jordan, Dale, Cole, Rhonda, Richie and his girlfriend Secret, and many more (yep, I have quite a list). They are all in my sacred mandala.
With real friendship we can all be connected. But one also must give up a lot of non-so-friendly things too. We cannot fear to love and be loved. I will hug a sweaty old laborer and listen to a 91 year-old dude for two hours, loving every word he speaks.
So Leon, I want you to start hugging and just listen deeply to everyone—oh, and smile.
So beautiful! Thank you!
When the feeling of aloneness is overwhelming I do a breathing technique learned in the past or do Mindful breathing emphasized by Thich Nhat Hahn.
After few minutes of mindful breathing the mind and body are in a much calmer state.
Aloneness (being alone) is just a current state of affairs. There is no separation. In fact it can be very liberating. There is freedom in aloneness, although fear can sometimes hide it.
Loneliness on the other hand is a story built around attachment. "If I just had ______ (fill in the blank) I would not be lonely."
Every external attempt directed toward avoiding loneliness ultimately will fail.
Because the feeling of loneliness is based around the idea (delusion) that you are missing something required to bring you happiness. Actually you are not missing a thing. This present moment always provides all that is required. It is your Buddha nature. To think otherwise defies reality.
I would suggest you explore this feeling of loneliness. Watch it. Make friends with it. Say hello loneliness my old friend, I've come to walk with you again. When does it arise? What stories do you tell yourself to keep it going. Are they true? Watch it fade away. See it's impermanent nature.
Or at least, those are my experiences over time. Of course, who the right friends are can change over time, certainly if you are practicing a transforming path such as Buddhism. When walking the path, you'll get a tendency to find likewise friends more and more. If you are the only practicing Buddhist you know, this can give a feeling of loneliness. You may seem like the only one following the precepts, the only one struggling in meditation etc. So that's I think the main reason to find some supporting practitioners. This board can do that a bit, but only to a certain extend.
Oh, and there's this one too, short.
I'm quite lonely at the moment too, I have just moved to a new city thousands of miles away from where I know anyone. And my job makes it very hard to meet people, as the hours are awkward. I do have friends, but they are all far far away in another country, and I won't see them again maybe for years.
So I am going to change jobs, to more friendly hours.
Oh, and there's this one too, short.
I'm quite lonely at the moment too, I have just moved to a new city thousands of miles away from where I know anyone. And my job makes it very hard to meet people, as the hours are awkward. I do have friends, but they are all far far away in another country, and I won't see them again maybe for years.
So I am going to change jobs, to more friendly hours.
Thank you! Where do you work and what do you do?
It's about finding people with common interests, and making the time to share in those interests.
I have to start work very early, about 5am, so I am in bed by 7.30pm, so there is no time to attend clubs and groups to make friends. The weekends are free, but I am so tired I just go straight to bed.
I've had friends before and I was in love with someone for a long time (broke my heart),but eventually it feels as though everyone goes away or are just to out of reach.Yes it sucks ass! but at the same time this loneliness is teaching me to become more in touch with who I am and who I want to be,I feel that in this lonesome time I can use this to actually benefit myself.I'm a new to the practice of Buddhism an feel that this will teach me to value life,the people that come in and out of mine and myself a lot more.At the same time that I'm lonely I'm making a new friend,myself.I've never had that before,I'm learning to trust myself again.To always be there for myself when no one can be.I've found out things about myself I never knew,Like that I'm a lot stronger then I thought I was.So look at this as a good thing though it may not seem like one,maybe this time alone will teach you somethings about yourself you never knew,embrace it and if you really want a change then make it happen because you can! until then if you need a friend feel free to hit me up!
your not alone =]
Any better, hope ....
@LeonBasin how often do we get to spend time alone on this earth, honestly man take this opportunity now to find your peace and build strength, because you will find new friends and be in a relationship again, and yes lose it all again. The difference is next time around you will have the strength and peace from this time alone.
When I was obliged to return here, I had to leave my friends from Europe, until this day we just speak through facebook and skype. I tried to return here in the hope of recovering my friends, but discovered we had changed too much. Now, what can I do? just hope new friends appear.
Oh, I do. We don't really see each other, we are working and all that jazz.
You can be a friend with almost anyone as long as you're not a jerk.
One day Ananda, his closest disciple, came up to the Buddha and said: 'Lord, I think that half of the of the Holy Life is spiritual friendship, association with the Lovely.' And the Buddha replied: 'That's not so; say not so, Ananda. It is not half of the Holy Life, it is the whole of the Holy Life