Dealing with setbacks in Behavior

jessie70

After several weeks of what I thought was improved behavior, more peaceful and accepting living, I had a strange day.
Recently, I had increased my meditation and made it more regular, and I felt calmer and started to realize some space and mindfulness.

I had decreased my obsessive journal writing, compulsive eating, phone rants, and other less-than-helpful behaviors... and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I had a *very* unskillful day. On a positive note, I think I am beating myself up less than I might have just a few months ago, but I am curious how people handle setbacks.

Also, has anyone had a similar experience- that just when they thought things were getting easier, that they had a day that was totally and completely "off-Path"? I think its been months since I have felt so out of control and at the mercy of my emotions, and in my own way.

The word "regression" keeps coming into my mind.
Any guess as to why this happens & how best to deal?
Thanks :-)

vinlyn

I know this is simplistic, but it helped me. The saying sometimes are "One step forward and two steps back." But in reality, most of the time it's more realistically "Two steps forward and one step back."

We all regress at times. The question is, in general are we moving in the right direction. It sounds as if you are.

Jeffrey

Yeah, that sounds familiar. Your right that the voices saying to beat yourself up are not constructive and it's great that you are seeing that. I think the pull of the suffering can make us slip. It is out of our comfort zone to lose our neurosis. Trungpa Rinpoche taught that it is like we are in a caccoon of filth and we are starting to get the notion that we can go outside of that.

I guess the suffering you are experiencing can remind you of the need to relax, make things simple. So just say 'I am feeling off the path', and realize that it is just a challenge and ultimately just a passing experience.

But yeah sounds familiar. I just got back into meditation after shifting out of phase for 3 months; I haven't been around the forum much because I was in my own pain of my mental illness. I hear voices on my worst days all angry critical voices on bad days very intense. So yeah, sometimes it just sucks.

jessie70

Vinlyn,
That isn't so simplistic. I appreciate your responding, because I am not feeling as stable as I did just yesterday... maybe I am starting to freak out a little...

It was a little scary to be so off today, and it made me question just how real my "progress" has been. I have been kind of lonely because I do find the more forward I move spiritually, and the more compassion I feel towards people in general, the more distance I am feeling towards some specific people in my life, and how I notice when I am relating in my "old" way, that I am being inauthentic. I am struggling more than moving forward... it's like a shuffle to the side, diagonal forward, back a step...oh boy. I don't know :-(

jessie70

Jeffrey- thank you for you post. Yes. Exactly. I think I am freaking out in some way. Today, in the midst of doing many things that cause me pain in the long run, I felt a strange comfort in the moment of the familiar, like a childhood blanket with that certain smell of bedtime.

robot

The fact of your backslide is evidence of the progress you have made. Look at the contrast between your earlier way of being, which was your normal, and the expectations that you have for yourself now.
It seems to me that you have done very well. Good work.

taiyaki

Actually this is progress.

Not many people admit it but the more you actually practice the more benefit and shit pops up.

Keep up your practice and study!

Don't get attached to the good or bad!

You can do it!

jessie70

robot & taiyaki - i greatly appreciate your encouragement.

Today was very disappointing and made me question my progress more than I care to admit. But I guess some of this was "normal" at one point for me. I would beat myself up over obvious mistakes but it never helped me improve. Now I am starting to see more things I do that I don't want to continue doing... in my speech, general carelessness, and many missed opportunities to bring kindness and sanity to a situations...

There is that moment I know I am doing something that could be done better (or better yet not done at all), and then there is the moment I do it anyway. I need to pause, slow down. Catching that moment is like catching some flying bug. I haven't gotten it as consistently as I'd like.

So robot is definitely right about higher expectations, and taiyaki also spot on about more shit coming up for me the more I practice. The less I hate (myself), the more I see stuff that I'd rather not do, stuff that is out of sync. Its very weird... like my brain is saying, "I am ready to see this", but then suddenly I see it, and maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought ;-). And seeing it doesn't always stop me from doing it. That's the kicker.

I appreciate your encouragement and will keep practicing.

DairyLama

taiyaki said:

Actually this is progress.

Not many people admit it but the more you actually practice the more benefit and shit pops up.

Yes, and I think with increasing mindfulness we tend to notice ( accept? ) the shit more.

Tosh

A.A. has a line that says, "We seek spiritual progress, not perfection." I think we all deviate from the path sometimes, but the trick seems to be 'how quick can we get back on it?'.

shadowleaver

cvexl,

I can completely relate to what you're saying. There are numerous things that I occasionally do that I'd rather not do: from complusive browsing to eating too much. Someone mentioned that the spiritual path is like making two steps ahead and one behind. That is what I am finding for myself. Do not get discouraged: this will happen hundreds and thousands of times. It's not the end of the world if you fall, as long as you get up.

The best advice I can give is discuss your particular challenge with your teacher or an experienced practitioner. I don't know if you have a sangha/spiritual community but my experience tells me that finding that takes practice to a whole new level. I've been practicing for almost 6 years and found my sangha only a year and a half ago, when I became confused and hopeless about my spiritual endeavors. I wish I did that before...

Other than that, I found that what helpes me refrain from those "unskillful" behaviours is being more open, especially with other people. Listening more and talking less, being a little bit more honest than is comfortable and trying to help when it seems that my help is needed. Beyond that, getting out of one's comfort zone, trying something new or doing something in a new way. It seems like our ego wants to keep us in a box and compulsions are its instruments for doing so. Opening up and stepping out seems to weaken the ego.

Best of luck!

federica

"Peace is a Process to Engage in, not a Goal to be Reached."


That's actually a quotation from The Society of Friends (better known as the Quakers, but I like their full title ) and I think it fits here.

caz

Everyone has an off day

When you spend alot of time kicking deluded minds you've got to expect they will hit you back occasionally.

Wisdom23

Do something that instantly brings a sense of love to you and if possible someone else to kick you back on trach i.e give someone you love a massive hug, i like laughing and interacting with people in my work lol

karasti

It happens to everyone But there is no growth without difficult times. You cannot practice and learn patience, unless you have people and situations with arise that cause you to not be patient and to realize you could have done better. Then, the next time, you do better. In the beginning, it is simply starting to see all the behaviors and feelings that you have always had, but never paid attention to. When you start to know better, it becomes glaringly obvious and it's easy to say "crap, I know better than that!!" but the truth is, you only know in logic and not in practice. The practice part, takes a long time. Everything is an opportunity to practice those new things you are learning about. It's hard though to feel like you are going backwards. Just be reassured it's normal, and don't stop practicing because of it. As you recognize bad behaviors and reactions more, you'll first learn to see them, then to see them for what they really are, then to correct them, then to avoid them and then eventually to not see them at all the same way as you first saw them. It takes a lot of time though, so go easy on yourself One important thing ot remember is, if someone else is involved in your bad behaviors, make them right as best you can as soon as you realize. If you owe someone an explanation or an apology, don't hesitate. Do it immediately. The faster you right a situation the less them you, and anyone else, have to wallow in it and feel badly about it.

jessie70

thank you for your comments!

vinlyn

To paraphrase the old, old song, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, reaffirm your principles, and start all over again."

RebeccaS

vinlyn said:

To paraphrase the old, old song, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, reaffirm your principles, and start all over again."

Does that have a dance that goes with it?

jessie70

RebeccaS said:

vinlyn said:

To paraphrase the old, old song, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, reaffirm your principles, and start all over again."

Does that have a dance that goes with it?

I can totally see the moves for everything but "reaffirm your principles"... maybe just a tilted head thinking for a beat, then a strong nod.

RebeccaS

jessie70 said:

RebeccaS said:

vinlyn said:

To paraphrase the old, old song, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, reaffirm your principles, and start all over again."

Does that have a dance that goes with it?

I can totally see the moves for everything but "reaffirm your principles"... maybe just a tilted head thinking for a beat, then a strong nod.

That's genius, I love it!

jessie70

@RebeccaS thank u :wave:

vinlyn

jessie70 said:

RebeccaS said:

vinlyn said:

To paraphrase the old, old song, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, reaffirm your principles, and start all over again."

Does that have a dance that goes with it?

I can totally see the moves for everything but "reaffirm your principles"... maybe just a tilted head thinking for a beat, then a strong nod.

You got it!

jessie70

@vinlin- I love it!! I think we need to make a video.

vinlyn

Okay, but I get top billing.

jessie70

I know it was your idea, but I still want 20%. I'm going to be doing the dancing...and it *will* go viral!

vinlyn

Joking aside, I think it is a simple but meaningful message. When you "slip" backwards, you really do need to brush off your psyche, reexamine your beliefs, and start back down the path again.

I think there's a tendency to make some things harder than they may need to be.

I had a little problem (and luckily for me, it was fairly "little") with depression a few years ago because of what was happening with my son. Time passed, things changed. I emerged from my minor depression. Months later a friend said she knew I had been depressed and felt like just staying in the house all the time, and wondered what she should do. My first and most simple suggestion was -- get out of the house. Go for a walk. Go shopping. Go to a movie. Drop in on a friend. Take a class. Go out to eat. Go to a museum. Visit an art gallery. Simple, simple, simple. Maybe not the whole answer, but part of the answer.

jessie70

Everyone- thank you so much for your advice!

I'm doing so much better since my original post. The longer I stick with "it", the more I move forward. I'm just adjusting to the rate at which progress really happens! It's even slower than weight loss LOL!

FoibleFull

Buddhism is a process, not a goal. With a goal, we measure our progress towards a goal, we evaluate how we are doing, we judge ourselves. But with a process, we just are, we just observe. We watch how one thing leads to another within us .. and gradually we start to see more clearly. I don't know how long you have been practicing Buddhism, but it took me about 8 years to start to develop some insight. This may seem like a long time, but if we are indeed reborn endlessly, 8 years becomes a very small time. And if we are indeed born endlessly, then we can't expect to change such profoundly-set habits inside ourselves in only a short time span. Old habits die hard. Lifetimes of habits die even harder.
Only one thing is sure ... if we do not do the practices, there will be no change.

It might be worthwhile to stop thinking about "moving forward" and start paying more attention to observing where you are. Buddhism is all about observation, especially of what is happening within us, especially observation of the current moment. This is observation with a questioner's point of view, a curiosity .. not observation from a judgmental or "measuring" point of view.

Lucy_Begood

I know this is an old thread, but the wisdom here is just what I needed today.

lamaramadingdong

Jessie- I bet if you try, you can think back to a time in your life where you were not even aware that you were having an "off day". Progress isn't always what we want it to be, but it is progress just the same.

black_tea

Sure. I have some days where I feel like I have things pretty together, then other days I'm fuzzy headed, over emotional, etc. I just chalk it up to a bad day (this week could probably be categorized as a bad week for me). Everybody has bad days sometimes.