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I am a loner (happy about it).

I am a loner in a positive way (to me), I like to be alone for a long period during the day and I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time. Is that wrong or unkind? I am happy to socialise for the rest of the day, but I seem to be offending people. I reject them in a very polite way and I tell them about this desire, but they still seem angry. I usually dismiss these arguments, I do believe that I have a right to be alone.

Comments


  • I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time.

    Is that wrong or unkind?

    I suppose it depends on who the people are and the extent of your commitments?
    WilliamHobbs
  • WilliamHobbsWilliamHobbs Explorer
    edited December 2012
    Zero said:


    I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time.

    Is that wrong or unkind?

    I suppose it depends on who the people are and the extent of your commitments?
    I understand that I should make commitments to my family and close friends. If they have organised an event, I usually go to it.
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran

    I am a loner in a positive way (to me), I like to be alone for a long period during the day and I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time. Is that wrong or unkind? I am happy to socialise for the rest of the day, but I seem to be offending people. I reject them in a very polite way and I tell them about this desire, but they still seem angry. I usually dismiss these arguments, I do believe that I have a right to be alone.

    You remind me of me when I was younger. Trust me, rethink your attitude.

    lobsterTosh
  • vinlyn said:

    I am a loner in a positive way (to me), I like to be alone for a long period during the day and I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time. Is that wrong or unkind? I am happy to socialise for the rest of the day, but I seem to be offending people. I reject them in a very polite way and I tell them about this desire, but they still seem angry. I usually dismiss these arguments, I do believe that I have a right to be alone.

    You remind me of me when I was younger. Trust me, rethink your attitude.

    Is there anything in particular that makes you say that? Or is it just my attitude in general?
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    No, nothing in general. I just find that as I get further into old age (63 now), being alone is no wheres near as attractive as it once was. And, once I was in a fulfilling relationship, being alone was much less attractive as a way of life. Unfortunately, that relationship was taken away by world events.
    WilliamHobbsDaltheJigsawlobsterrelay
  • DaftChrisDaftChris Spiritually conflicted. Not of this world. Veteran
    I used to like being alone. From the time I was 11 up to the time I was around 18-ish, my most content moments were when I was alone watching a movie or reading a book. However, this was almost all the time. The only times I really had human contact was when I was at school or forced to go to church.

    Sometimes I still like my moments where I am alone with my thoughts and actions; I don't think I would be a very good Buddhist if I didn't like to be alone on some occasions. However, the idea of being alone all the time is, not only unfavorable, but also frightening. We need contact with others. It's in our nature.

    To me, and I'm not sure how many people would agree, but the want or need to perpetually be alone can be a form of attachment. Then again, so can the want to need to always be around people.
    DaltheJigsawMaryAnneBegin_Being
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited December 2012
    I am never alone because I hear voices :) Which then it gets even more interesting and surreal when I am with real people and the voices are analyzing what I am thinking and saying. It's sort of like getting used to someone 'just how they are' where the person/people I am getting used to are imaginary friends so to speak.
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    edited December 2012
    Jeffrey said:

    I am never alone because I hear voices :) Which then it gets even more interesting and surreal when I am with real people and the voices are analyzing what I am thinking and saying. It's sort of like getting used to someone 'just how they are' where the person/people I am getting used to are imaginary friends so to speak.

    I have heard these voices on many occasions.
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    It goes back to balance, being alone is great, but at the same time, it's also great being out there in the "real world." Just balance, go with intuition and see how far that takes you.
    vinlynMaryAnne
  • One day we are with people and alone. Others are alone with the people they have inside. One taste my imaginary friends . . . :)
  • I'm a loner, too. Not by choice, I just haven't really made any friends over here yet. I don't mind it. I got used to it when I quit the drugs back in the UK and had to stop being around the people I know. I'm married so I'm not like, alone alone, but I don't really hang out with anyone. I'm at the age of the second adolescence, too. I'm too old to do the shit 22 year olds are doing and my husbands friends don't take me seriously because I'm so much younger than them all :lol: 24 is a weird time.

    Friends are nice to have, and they're important to have. They keep you grounded, they make you laugh, they help you move house, they introduce you to aspects of life you may not have discovered alone. It's a great privilege and joy to get to share in someone's life in that way. The only caveat is, of course, to choose your friends wisely.

    At your young age, I'd invest the time in friendships. You'll have plenty of time to be alone when you're older. Just look at all the folks in retirement homes. Hang out, have fun. You'll never regret having friends, but you may regret not having them.
    WilliamHobbsMaryAnnerelayBegin_Being
  • RebeccaS said:

    I'm a loner, too. Not by choice, I just haven't really made any friends over here yet. I don't mind it. I got used to it when I quit the drugs back in the UK and had to stop being around the people I know. I'm married so I'm not like, alone alone, but I don't really hang out with anyone. I'm at the age of the second adolescence, too. I'm too old to do the shit 22 year olds are doing and my husbands friends don't take me seriously because I'm so much younger than them all :lol: 24 is a weird time.

    Friends are nice to have, and they're important to have. They keep you grounded, they make you laugh, they help you move house, they introduce you to aspects of life you may not have discovered alone. It's a great privilege and joy to get to share in someone's life in that way. The only caveat is, of course, to choose your friends wisely.

    At your young age, I'd invest the time in friendships. You'll have plenty of time to be alone when you're older. Just look at all the folks in retirement homes. Hang out, have fun. You'll never regret having friends, but you may regret not having them.

    I do have friends and we have strong relationships, but they don't understand that sometimes I need to be alone. I wouldn't call myself anti-social.
  • Everyone needs some time to themselves, just try not to make it too often :) We had a friend who wanted so much time for himself... We just stopped calling him after a while. :shrug:

    WilliamHobbs
  • BhikkhuJayasaraBhikkhuJayasara Bhikkhu Veteran
    RebeccaS said:

    We just stopped calling him after a while. :shrug:

    aah! bliss :P
    WilliamHobbs
  • howhow Veteran Veteran
    What might be a more interesting question for you is "What do I get with my solitude that I don't get in the company of others.
    If the comfort you feel within your own skin in solitude is not there in the company of your family or friends...Why?

    The answers to these questions might enable you to manifest a great teaching to those around you.
    WilliamHobbsBegin_Being
  • cazcaz Veteran United Kingdom Veteran
    Its important to know how to be alone and be happy, It is also equally important to know how to be with others and be happy.
    Toshlobster
  • caz said:

    Its important to know how to be alone and be happy, It is also equally important to know how to be with others and be happy.

    Totally agree with Caz here; being comfortable with ourselves and being comfortable with others should be the aim.

    I find that when I'm tired I wish to be alone or I ignore my phone; I struggle with this sometimes. I had people try to phone me today, to wish me Merry Christmas, but I just wanted to spend time with my family, so I ignored the phone. I wish I didn't now.

    caz
  • I only seek temporary loneliness, to bring clarity and to be free from distractions. I can be equally happy with others, although I'd rather go to a place of nature, art or worship on my own. The idea of going to these places with a lover rather than a friend, seems especially beautiful.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    I guess, thinking about the OPs question, it depends on who these people are and the manner in which you "reject" them even if you think you are doing it kindly. In some cases, to keep relationships flowing, you need to give some of what you want to compromise and give the person some of what they want/need out of a relationship. What you need/want isn't the only thing that matters. Not saying that is your attitude towards them, just speaking in general. I go through a similar thing with my mother often because we have different needs from our relationship. So, she gives a little on what she would prefer and I give a little on what I would prefer so we can meet in the middle and maintain a healthy relationship.

    If you consistently "shun" people around you, then you tend to find they give up over time. They get tired of inviting you to do something, so they stop asking and they fade from your life. Then you find one day you are in need of a friend, a shoulder, and someone comes to mind only for you to realize you haven't heard from them in months, or longer because you have failed to compromise in order to maintain the relationship. The times when you need someone is when you regret your decisions to ask them to leave you alone.

    Now, some people just need far less social interaction than others, and that is ok. Like I said at the start, it depends on who the people are. If they are co-workers you barely see and wouldn't miss much if they disappeared tomorrow that's a bit different than if we are talking about a sibling or a very close friend.
    MaryAnne
  • Do you intend to change? Is this location a sangha? Is your inner collection of arising persona a sangha? You are never a lone - just without . . . Can we be independent of external location of others presence? :)
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited December 2012

    I am a loner in a positive way (to me), I like to be alone for a long period during the day and I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time. Is that wrong or unkind? I am happy to socialise for the rest of the day, but I seem to be offending people. I reject them in a very polite way and I tell them about this desire, but they still seem angry. I usually dismiss these arguments, I do believe that I have a right to be alone.

    I wouldn't call this being a loner. This just means you need your daily downtime. This is a healthy thing. You're happy to socialize the rest of the day, which disqualifies you from being a loner. It's good to recognize that you need your daily recharge time, and to actually block out time for it. This is a balanced way to live. :thumbsup:

    WilliamHobbs
  • I think that finding just the right balance between being alone and interacting with others' is a very good idea. However, I know for a fact that being social all the time or being alone all the time is also a very bad idea because without one, the other starts to lose meaning. spending time with friends isn't nearly as fun if you're always with them and being alone can get to be incredibly lonely after a while. Balance is key.
  • why are you asking us ? the only person you need to comvince is you lol

    I too prefer my own company but i wouldn't dismiss socialising. sometimes people can bestow many pleasantries upon oneself by just being around them.

    All the best
  • BhikkhuJayasaraBhikkhuJayasara Bhikkhu Veteran
    Wisdom23 said:

    why are you asking us ? the only person you need to comvince is you lol

    I too prefer my own company but i wouldn't dismiss socialising. sometimes people can bestow many pleasantries upon oneself by just being around them.

    All the best

    I think one of the main issues regarding the " being around people" aspect of this whole discussion, is choosing the RIGHT people to be around, like fellow dhamma friends. The Buddha said(paraphrased) do not associate with fools but associate with the wise, those who would not hinder your practice, and if you cannot find such friends better to go it alone.

    I don't think you need to cut off all ties to everyone who doesn't practice dhamma.. but limiting your interaction with them and the power they have over you.
  • I am a loner in a positive way (to me), I like to be alone for a long period during the day and I often reject those that wish to be with me at that time. Is that wrong or unkind? I am happy to socialise for the rest of the day, but I seem to be offending people. I reject them in a very polite way and I tell them about this desire, but they still seem angry. I usually dismiss these arguments, I do believe that I have a right to be alone.

    It is fine if you want to be alone. You have been born alone, remember. But then, you probably did not offend anyone. Go on not offending.
  • howhow Veteran Veteran

    Everyone feels some sense of separation from existence. Your choice to face some of that alone will naturally challenge those who seek to assuage such feelings through connecting with others.

    In truth, because that feeling of separation is a delusive construct of our own making, neither the externals of just being alone or being with others, will address it.

    Developing empathy, sympathy & compassion though, for the suffering of those around you, which is no different than your own suffering, may be a better salve for what ails us all.
  • Well, I seem to have a bad time when I am by myself, and it is not because I am one of those people that can't mentally stand being alone... No, I am one of those people that like being alone at times, sometimes lengthy times, but it gets to a point where I can't help but thinking... Okay, am I a loser? Shouldn't I be working right now? Also, another thing, time just goes by way too fast for my liking...
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