Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Metta difficulty, an observation.
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
Metta for those I know and love is the easiest.
Metta for those that I do not know is the second easiest.
Metta for those that I know and do not love is the second hardest.
Metta for myself is the hardest.
I wonder if other people would arrange their lists differently.
I've been contemplating this after a comment from a coworker. On a random day when I actually took a break to eat (only the second time I have ever done this), he confessed that he recently told my boss that she should force me to take breaks because I never do, lol. It was interesting because I didn't think anyone else ever noticed.
So, I've been wondering why it is that I feel compelled to put the needs of others before my own. That is the root of the problem, after all. I don't know why saying, "Could you wait ten minutes? I need to take a break," makes me feel guilty for some reason, as if it's an unreasonable request. On busy nights, it can be a struggle just to take a moment to grab a drink of water. I know it's stupid, but it seems that my workaholic nature compels me to give until I have nothing left and I'm not quite sure how to break that habit.
As a side note, I'm an independent contractor so there's no sort of labor laws to deal with or anything. My boss isn't even a "real" boss. So technically speaking, I could break however long I want, as often as I want... I just don't.
I wonder if other people struggle the same as me. I think there's a lot of people in this world who are probably the opposite and struggle with metta for other people the most, but there's a certain type of suffering that follows each type of person, regardless.
Metta for those that I do not know is the second easiest.
Metta for those that I know and do not love is the second hardest.
Metta for myself is the hardest.
I wonder if other people would arrange their lists differently.
I've been contemplating this after a comment from a coworker. On a random day when I actually took a break to eat (only the second time I have ever done this), he confessed that he recently told my boss that she should force me to take breaks because I never do, lol. It was interesting because I didn't think anyone else ever noticed.
So, I've been wondering why it is that I feel compelled to put the needs of others before my own. That is the root of the problem, after all. I don't know why saying, "Could you wait ten minutes? I need to take a break," makes me feel guilty for some reason, as if it's an unreasonable request. On busy nights, it can be a struggle just to take a moment to grab a drink of water. I know it's stupid, but it seems that my workaholic nature compels me to give until I have nothing left and I'm not quite sure how to break that habit.
As a side note, I'm an independent contractor so there's no sort of labor laws to deal with or anything. My boss isn't even a "real" boss. So technically speaking, I could break however long I want, as often as I want... I just don't.
I wonder if other people struggle the same as me. I think there's a lot of people in this world who are probably the opposite and struggle with metta for other people the most, but there's a certain type of suffering that follows each type of person, regardless.
1
Comments
I dont see it as a problem for myself - it does have its own unique set of challenges but as you identify each way has its own unique set of challenges anyway.
The practice of Metta or the Bodhisattva Way has a price. You find it hard to put your own needs before the needs of others? You're doing it right.
Welcome to the club.
There is a difference between being a martyr and putting the needs of others first - one needs to recognize one's intentions. And for women this issue can be multi-faceted - depending on life experiences. There are deeper issues that are the cause.
So I spent time with the Heart Sutra, and focused on directing loving-kindness toward myself, directing forgiveness toward myself for the things from the past that come up, recognizing I was unskillful to deal with certain things at the time (and realizing I am still unskillful and it's ok) - which are the root of why I beat myself up now, the cause for my feeling that I don't deserve better. Once I could truly pracitice Right View in this, and find that true forgiveness, then I could practice and feel Metta for myself and others equally. In fact, I feel more love and compassion for others. My Metta feels stronger and truer.
Here is a great talk on this with guided meditation from Noah Levine:
http://www.againstthestream.org/index.php?option=com_podcast&view=feed&format=raw
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
So what I find helps is to examine the stories I have about myself or other people. And you just got to cut through the stories lol because they're all just thoughts. It helps to be able to walk over yourself
Loving kindness can become unconditional. At first it requires cutting through of stories. But once the feeling is in the heart then any story can come and you will see suffering and then metta gets really working.
I think that is why in mahayana the emphasis is in developing prajna with compassion. Its much easier to be compassionate and kind when the lack of persons and things is known. At that point You start to see people as they are. You see yourself as you are. And a natural compassion arises. This is a very harsh world we live in and really kindness is the only response.
Tldr: work on view and wisdom and that will help metta significantly.
So yeah, metta toward yourself, including decent self care--like taking breaks now and then--is important. I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone else.
What makes me the most sad is that I can no longer draw anymore because I cannot hold a pencil for more than a half an hour without my hand going numb. I only have to stand this job until July when my partner starts her new job, and then I will be done with it and unemployed for as long as I want until I figure out my next step (probably going back to school). But sometimes I'm just not even sure if I can make it that long.
But I feel guilty taking breaks. I feel guilty because everyone seems to be so much more demanding and I have trouble putting my own needs before others until it simply becomes too late. There is a certain irony that in pushing myself to help others, I'm becoming more and more damaged, lol...
But like you said... maybe I just need to beat it into my head that if I keep pushing myself so hard that I cannot work, I won't be of much use to anyone anymore...
In actuality the buddha never taught giving metta to individual people( this comes from the commentaries of Buddhagosa), he only taught immeasurable release of mind and exalted release of mind.
Immeasurable is where you start with yourself then release your loving-friendliness out in the 6 directions( front/back/left/right/up/down) and Exalted is where you start with yourself and grow your metta out to encompass larger and larger areas around you ( you, your house, your state, your country, the earth, galaxy, universe, etc).
you cannot hope to have loving-friendliness for others if you do not have it for yourself, because it is through seeing that you wish to be well, happy and peaceful, you know that all beings wish to be well, happy, and peaceful, and YOU are part of all beings.
I use the example of being on the plane and listening to the safety instructions. They say that if you have a child fasten your OWN oxygen mask first before fastening the child's mask, it is the same in metta and life in general. When you take care of yourself and have loving-friendliness for yourself, it is much easier to have it for all beings. I don't go for this " put everyone else ahead of yourself" stuff, and the Buddha didn't either.
Seriously, you can burn out if you don't take time for self care. I struggle with that all the time. One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more mindful of how I'm doing throughout the day. My strategy is to take stock every time I finish a task, before starting the next. Am I thirsty? Do I need to stretch, maybe take a short walk? Sometimes I forget and wonder why I'm so exhausted by the end of the day... but I figure any time I remember and get that drink, or take that stretch, I'm a little better off. And I still feel guilty taking time to meditate but I do it anyway.
Hang in there.
It is my belief that it is human nature in the 21st century to struggle with metta for oneself the most. If I took a pole of the people I know the majority of them would express issues with loving themselves at times me included.
I just wanted to offer something in regards to the not even making time to get yourself a drink of water. If we are to take on caring for others we must first learn to care for ourselves. I too am drawn to doing everything I can for others but you cannot continue doing for others if you are not there to do. Taking time for your nourishment, relaxation, and personal care is part of being on the "middle way". I am not saying that you should come first and that at such and such a time you drop everything and grab a sandwich but adequate personal preparation is fundamental to our ability to make the right decisions in the moment. In my humble opinion it is a part of our delusion to think it is beneficial to anyone that we become weakened and sick for the sake of satisfying the urge to assist. Life has to have some balance where we can see clearly. Having an "aholic" nature in anything we do might not aid anyone in seeing the path. We all must be very careful when creating imbalance in any aspect of our lives.
I work in a unionized job where we are almost forced to take our breaks at exactly the same time no matter what we may be doing. This job is also in Human services so it is hard for me to say no to people who need help. I find that working to develop a balance between always assisting and adhering to the society rules is a wonderful challenge that I am constantly working on.
be good to yourself so you may be the best you for others to experience.
metta, Light
You highlight the cause in the second paragraph but you appreciate the irony - perhaps consider this irony and what it means to you - how it arises and your relationship to it - whether the irony is a marker to yourself that calls for examination.
The final paragraphs stood out to me as there seems to be an interplay here between guilt and pain - maybe it's the driver or maybe it's how you relate to the subject or maybe a mix and match worth examining.
Extremely well said, Jayantha!
Instead of fixing it, observe it from a position of mindfulness.
Nor does it matter why you do what you do .. that is only tieing you up in intellectualizations.
So whats the problem? My employers love me. The parents of the children love me. The kids love me, too! I know this because I am lucky enough to have people around me that are willing to share this with me. But something isnt quite right. I am exhausted. I have no life, outside of work. I dont even have the energy to make dinner some nights, because I am too damn tired. Its been a while since I have dated, and I am reluctant to start doing so, because I dont know if I will have enough energy and attention to give to someone else. Or, even worse, will I be abke to take love, when i have grown so accustomed to giving it, without expecting some in return?
I want to be great at my job, but not at the expense if the rest of my life. I realized this while I stayed home from work yesterday, with a physical degeneration obviously caused by me overworking myself. I cant really decrease my effort when I am at work, because I only know one way to do it: completely. But what i can do, is ask my employers to stop taking advantage of my "anything you ask, I will do" mentality. Because its really taking a toll on me.
So this is new to me. Three years ago, I wouldnt have been in this position because I never let people take advantage of my generosity, because i wasnt generous. I was totally selfish. Now, I am realizing that there must be a balance, somewhere, between the two ideas. Yes, its great to give of yourself. Yes, its also good to receive. But when can you know when its okay to take, or okay to stop giving? In my case, I listened to my co-teacher, who encouraged me to take a break, slow down, and remember to care for myself. If she didnt persistently encourage me, I would have gone into work yesterday, and I would have never had the chance to realize how even my "giving" had become another attempt to verify my un-enlightened ego. No one is too important to not be able to take a day off. No job is so important that it needs you there every second of everyday. And no day is too important to miss out on it. Because I can basically garauntee that life WILL go on, with OR without you.
Yes I think you just need a balance.
If we are self centered then, generosity is the cure. We have to retain the Middle Way. If we have no sense of worth, then we have to find the Middle Way by recognizing our inherent deserving of the metta we project on to others. The other is our projection of self. Metta bhavna is a very abstract tactic. What if we were a Boddhisattvah, worthy of veneration? We are. This is the basis of Chenrezig practice.
http://www.dharma-haven.org/tibetan/chen-re-zig.htm
Such a practice may feel contrived. It is. Once you experience yourself as 'compassion', you will change. Not maybe, not perhaps. Inevitably.
OM MANI PEME Zombiegirl
But I think, for me, the biggest issue is the pressure clients put on me. When the wait list is already about two hours, it just seems like an insult to add a break on top of that... It's hard for me to say, "No I need a break" because most of my clients are not the caring sort that say, "Hey, you can take a break if you want and get back to me." Those people exist, of course, but the vast majority are the type that say, "Geeze, it's been over an hour. What, did you forget about me?" The people I generally work with tend to be takers, obsessed with their own little world and oblivious to the rest... the type that can't seem to understand why I won't bump them up the list just because I've met them before. I meet so many people that seem to think the world revolves around them, it's amazing the building doesn't collapse from the contradiction. And so... when faced with this sort of ego... I find it hard to stand up and say, "I need a break. You can wait 10 minutes." It's stupid, I think. Because of course, why care more about people who don't seem to care about you? But then again... that is probably a lesson I need to learn which extends beyond just my work...
And please, take a small break, from time to time. Just take a break and sit. Nothing else. Just sit. Its glorious to sit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Jayantha Thanks for the video. I will have to try it when I have some time. I've been thinking, especially based on these responses, that I probably should start doing some metta for myself... I've done it for many other people, it even helped me in dealing with my sexual assault, but never for myself.
TAYATHA OM BEKENDZE BEKENDZE MAHA BEKENDZE RANDZE SAMU GATE SOHA
You yourself, in yourself, for yourself, by yourself are precious.
You are not a cruel person? Then be kind to this person . . . :wave: