Metta for yourself first?

lotuspadma

If you have low self-esteem, I read you should do metta for yourself only for a bit. Then, when you have a good degree of self-respect, you can extend that to others. Is that a good way to do it, or will we be missing out an essential part of metta, and become a too self-centered?

BhikkhuJayasara

always always always always always, metta for yourself first. This is metta works. metta is a state of mind that you abide in, a state of equanimity(even minded feelings towards all beings, no attachment or aversion).

You cannot hope to have loving-friendliness for all beings if you do not have it for yourself. How can you? you don't know how to have metta for the person closest to yourself, your best friend(you!). Be kind to your body and mind, even if you have feelings of loathing(lack of self respect) yourself etc, be kind to your mind thinking those feelings, say " may I be calm and peaceful, may I be well, happy, and peaceful".

this is a practice, don't expect to abide in a mind of unconditional loving-friendliness over night. It takes time.

When I do guided metta meditation I always remind people at the end about how important it is to always give metta to yourself first. I use the example of when you are in an airplane and they do the safety instructions, they say for parents to always secure their own oxygen mask first before their children. This makes perfect sense because you are no use to your children passed out. You are no use to all beings without metta for yourself(and hint.. you are PART of all beings )

lobster

:wave:

You won't become self centred. You will have metta as your center. :clap:

Jeffrey

There is a danger you will solidify a 'self' as a negative being and get stuck in the rigidity of such thinking. I would take it to the shamata-vipashyana (calming and insight) sitting meditation and just see that the negativity is just energy (body, judging good and bad, concoctions (big time), and apprehending phenomena or dharmas). I am a little foggy on those four but they have been coming up again and again in my meditation. Anyways when you think of negativity in those terms it is easy to see that they are not a self. They are just like a movie you are watching and you can get up any time. You can even have some popcorn :clap: , just don't let compulsion get the best of you.

I think the four aprimanas (metta-maitri, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equinimity are a tool for fear and depression and so forth, but they wouldn't on their own be liberating. The insight that this negative failing wrong person is just your own monkey mind is liberating. You know that realization by an ahhh. That is to say insight isn't just the intellectualization of the four objects of meditation (in the first paragraph) as a list and doctrine. Insight is the direct seeing that you are concocting and feeling your body directly as body. So the book knowledge opens a window to look at your mind, but the insight is what we call this seeing as direct. There is always an aaahhh because the citta always feels good when it finds wisdom. In our monkey bodies this results in dopamine and uplift.

Nirvana

@lotuspadma, I cannot follow your line of thought, really. Charity begins at home. I think of metta as concentric circles ever extending outwards, "eating up" little beings within them on their way. They begin at your center and that center gets larger and larger, bit by bit, till all is encompassed. As Sri Sarada Devi oft said, "Learn to make the whole world your own. No one is a stranger, my child; this whole world is your very own."
In metta meditation, the child within you meets and greets the inner child in all others. We are each and all, deep inside, a motherless child in search of...

BhikkhuJayasara

Nirvana said:

@lotuspadma, I cannot follow your line of thought, really. Charity begins at home. I think of metta as concentric circles ever extending outwards, "eating up" little beings within them on their way. They begin at your center and that center gets larger and larger, bit by bit, till all is encompassed.

well said. This is basically what the buddha taught. He called it " exalted release of mind" (exalted metta). I have similar visualizations myself. I visualize sort of this purple force field of metta that starts with me and expands out ever larger, encompassing my home then my neighborhood, state, country, the earth, the galaxy, the universe, and then the multi verse(all universes and planes of existence)... so eventually all beings in any state of existance in all universes are encompassed in this purple metta field.

seeker242

Ajahn Jayasaro recommends that you start with whatever is easiest and progress to whatever is hardest, which may or may not start with yourself. If you are a person that does not like yourself, he recommends that you start with some other being that you do like, some other being that is very easy for you to like, even a puppy or something, ha! Who doesn't like puppies!? At first, the point is just to attain skill in the sustained projecting of the metta. He has some good videos on youtube. This is one on metta.

Glow

That method of metta meditation in which you go from person to person (or group of people to group; e.g., benefactors, friends, neutral people, difficult people, etc.) actually comes from the Vissudhimagga (a fifth century commentary by Sri Lankan monk Buddhaghosa). It does not actually appear in the Pali canon. (The Buddha taught something slightly different: in which you extend metta outwards in all directions.) So take it as simply one person's method of practicing this meditation.

If you look at the way Buddhaghosa decribes each of the brahmaviharas (metta, karuna, mudita, upekka), you'll see that he actually recommends starting with a different person for each brahmavihara.

• Metta (friendliness) - he recommends to start with yourself
  
• Karuna (mercy or compassion) - he recommends starting with someone who is unfortunate and suffering
  
• Mudita (selfless joy) - he recommends starting with someone who is experiencing good fortune
  
• Upekka (balance or equanimity) - he recommends starting with someone towards whom you are neutral
  

What's clear is that the point is to start with whoever most naturally and easily elicits the feeling in question. Buddhaghosa assumes that you will already be good friends with yourself. That may or may not be the case nowadays in industrialized societies, which can be quite harsh, materialistic, and judgmental. So, for this reason, many of us have internalized quite a lot of self-hatred or judgment. In this case, metta may not be the natural feel that emerges when we think of ourselves.

So, where do we start if you (like many, including myself) aren't naturally very friendly towards yourself? In The mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Dr. Christopher Germer recommends starting with whomever you naturally feel goodwill towards. My favorite recommendation is starting with a beloved pet, lol. We naturally feel kind, uncomplicated feelings towards our dogs, cats, rats, guinea pigs, fish, etc. Alternatively, you can start with a benefactor: someone who has had a beneficial influence in your life to whom you feel gratitude. Or (unsurprisingly), you may find the most natural person towards whom you feel friendliness is (shocker) a good friend of yours. It doesn't matter if the person is long gone from your life or sitting in the very same room. If your heart feels warmth, lightness, and a desire to see this being be happy, start there. Then, work yourself into the aspiration ("May my doggy Bugsy and me be happy! May we be free from harm, hatred, and suffering.")

Metta for ourselves is often actually the hardest thing to do (as Ajahn Brahm notes in this talk). So start where the feeling of friendliness comes most naturally. These practices are called bhavana (cultivation) practices for a reason:you start with a seed, and then cultivate (or grow) it, like a farmer grows his crops.

lobster

We are not doormats, or enfeebled Taoists. We are a Middle Way. As Glow says in the previous post., 'Seed and grow'. The Sufis say, 'increase in Love'. Some of us are children and need tough love on occasion. Some are too tough and need to love their demons. Some are as fluffy as bunnies and need to eat more than rabbit.
Metta has layers and depths. FInd where you are, what you are like and you will know the kind of kindness to apply.

love and kisses xxx :wave:

footiam

lotuspadma said:

If you have low self-esteem, I read you should do metta for yourself only for a bit. Then, when you have a good degree of self-respect, you can extend that to others. Is that a good way to do it, or will we be missing out an essential part of metta, and become a too self-centered?

Metta should be for everyone, 'you' and 'I' included. It is not that you give yourself metta and ignores metta for others. If metta is for you and everyone, it is all encompassing, not self-centred at all unless you are self-centred.

shadowleaver

Where do you end and others begin?

DaltheJigsaw

lotuspadma said:

If you have low self-esteem, I read you should do metta for yourself only for a bit. Then, when you have a good degree of self-respect, you can extend that to others. Is that a good way to do it, or will we be missing out an essential part of metta, and become a too self-centered?

Thank you for the reminder!!