Sharing a room

Cory

I share a room with my step brother, and I have virtually no where quiet to meditate in the evenings. I would definitely say that there is no time that it is silent in the room unless he is not home. Any tips or ideas so I can meditate every evening?

Jeffrey

If you are in a warm season you can meditate outdoors. Don't be embarrassed.

Cory

I have meditated out doors before, Backyard and frontyard. It honestly does feel better with the fresh air. When I do, it is normally on my porch. It has a nice open space for a mat. But my issue is, It is in the lower 50's where I am.

Sabre

Hi!

You could of course kindly ask him to be quiet for a while. Otherwise, ear plugs work. But I think the best advice is, just to meditate anyway. I live in a noisy apartment and can often hear my neighbors. They can be arguing, walking around, talking or playing music, their baby can be crying - or more at the same time. I did find it quite annoying until I noticed it was mainly annoying because I added the annoyance on top of the sound... The sound itself is neutral. It's just sound, it can't hurt you. It only hurts if you let it.

Try if you can recognize the switch in the mind between sound and you getting annoyed by sound. If there is just sound, but no annoyance, the mind will loose interest in sound and the sound will disappear! This is really the case. Just like you won't hear the buzzing of a refrigerator if you are used to it. There have been moments my neighbors arguing with all they got in them, and I just didn't hear it anymore.

I don't usually bother with earplugs anymore. I just sit and be peaceful with it. Or, as peaceful as I can be. It's a great way to learn about the mind.

Or, by Ajahn Chah:

Let the breath go naturally, don't force it to be short or long or whatever, just sit and watch it going in and out. When the mind lets go of all external impressions, the sounds of cars and such will not disturb you. Nothing, whether sights or sounds, will disturb you, because the mind doesn't receive them. Your attention will come together on the breath.
http://www.ajahnchah.org/book/Path_in_Harmony1.php

Cory

He is very disrespectful. I ask him to be quiet and he gets loder, And he brings his girlfriend over, and does "Stuff" if you know what I mean. With me right there. :facepalm:
I normally just go take a walk while playing Nawang Khechog. I just want a room to myself. Then I can :om: In peace.

But that is his deal, He does it on purpose to make me mad, so I ignore it, and let karma do its thing.

Sabre

Must add, sometimes I still use earplugs. Suddenly changing and loud sounds can be intruding into meditation. This is why the Buddha did advice a quiet spot.

However, if we don't have such a spot, it can still be good practice to meditate with the sound. If we are not deaf, sound can always be there when we don't want it. We need to learn to work with it, no matter what our environment.

And I think it's partly just what you are used to. Monks who live in the forest all their lives may be super annoyed if they had to suddenly meditate with a road nearby - basically unable to meditate. While people living in the city don't even hear the road anymore - perhaps not even the sirens of the emergency vehicles.

My idea is you can build a sort of 'thick skin' against sound.

But yes, I can imagine sharing a room makes it harder. Just see it as an additional opportunity to learn may already help alleviate some distress - even if it does disturb your meditation sometimes.

Hope it works a bit. It did ok for me. Of course, doesn't work always, but hey.. I'm not a Buddha. By the way, there is a sutta somewhere of the Buddha meditating through a very loud thunderstorm and him while being wide awake and yet not hearing it. Goes to show what is possible. If you are interested I can look it up, just let me know.

Mega metta! And good luck I know it can be a bit of a pain in the you-know-where sometimes to not have peace when you want it.

black_tea

You can also download white noise tracks onto your iPod if you have one. Doubling up earplugs with white noise can help. I've had lots of issues in the past with noisy upstairs neighbors. The earplugs + white noise + fan being on were still not enough to let me sleep *sigh.* However, it may work well enough in your situation. I was at first afraid that white noise itself would be distracting, but I found that after a minute or two I would completely tune it out.

Sabre

Cory said:

He is very disrespectful. I ask him to be quiet and he gets loder, And he brings his girlfriend over, and does "Stuff" if you know what I mean. With me right there. :facepalm:
I normally just go take a walk while playing Nawang Khechog. I just want a room to myself. Then I can :om: In peace.

But that is his deal, He does it on purpose to make me mad, so I ignore it, and let karma do its thing.

Ok, I can imagine that's quite a challenge to meditate through, to put it mildly. I also hear some 'stuff' from the neighbors sometimes too, can't even imagine it in the same room... (somehow they can't even manage to make a monotonous sound )

But indeed consider walking meditation, it can be just as relaxing.

Otherwise, and this is what I sometimes do at work.. go to the toilet! Never room for two! It'll be a bit harder if there is just one of them in the house.. but you can take the risk. If there's two - just claim one for a while! (Your housemates will think you have intestinal problems, but hey.. at least you can meditate!)

how

Switch to mornings sits if there is less intrusive behavour then. He might even behave more respectfully in the evening if he realizes the alternative is you getting up earlier to meditate then instead.

& as Sabre was saying...
Meditation is where we learn not to fiddle with all arising, living and fading phenomina. We practise formal meditation with the intent to be able to bring it into all aspects of our daily life. If you can learn to accept all phenomina (including annoying step brothers) without pushing them away or hanging onto them in formal meditation then you will be further ahead than most in being able to meditate where ever you are in life.

Invincible_summer

I agree with what others have said: meditation is not (always) about sitting where it's quiet and peaceful. Meditation through "distractions" and "noise" is also part of the practice - by thinking "My brother is too noisy," you're judging the phenomena that you experience while meditating. The noise your brother makes is ultimately not different from that of birds or water (assuming that those sounds don't annoy you either ).

What if you just kept meditating, even when your brother and his girlfriend are fooling around? You might just make them feel awkward, leaving you alone! I'm not sure if those are skillful means or not...

Cory

What do you know it's happening right now :hiding:

sharonsaw

@Cory your step brother is deliberately trying to irritate you and if you react, he is achieving his goal. So aside from the meditation issues, use your step brother as your dharma practice. That can be actually better than meditation because you HAVE to put dharma into practice meaning you have to reduce your anger and irritation. In the lojong (mind transformation teachings), there is the 8 verses of thought transformation (http://blog.tsemtulku.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/eight-verses-of-thought-transformation.html) Below are two verses from these eight which are applicable... do read all 8 though.. they are very cool!

"In all actions I will examine my mind
And the moment a disturbing attitude arises,
Endangering myself or others,
I will firmly confront and avert it.

Whenever I meet a person of bad nature,
Overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering,
I will hold such a rare one dear
As if I’ve found a precious treasure."

Why are these negative people a precious treasure? because people who are kind and nice to us do not make us develop patience and tolerance. It is only our enemies who make us develop these qualities, therefore, when we see someone irritating as a precious treasure and actually welcome them and their irritating behaviour, you will see your mind transform and achieve inner peace - eventually

ThailandTom

OP is there not a temple/monastery close by that you could go to? There was a thread about meditating in a church some time ago, they are often open and empty to an extent, but silent. I do not know how urban your setting is, but you could go for a stroll into the wilderness a little and find a good spot. Good luck though and things will come to change with your current living arrangement obviously.

Cory

@ThailandTom Actually there is one in walking distance from my house. I've known its there but never knew how to approach the temple. Where to go, who to talk to; that kind of thing. I am going to find out their phone ours and give them a call as soon as possible.

ThailandTom

Cory said:

@ThailandTom Actually there is one in walking distance from my house. I've known its there but never knew how to approach the temple. Where to go, who to talk to; that kind of thing. I am going to find out their phone ours and give them a call as soon as possible.

Ah excellent, I remember what it is like for the first time stepping into a temple, it was also in Thailand so it was that little bit more apprehensive. That being said, after you are there for a short while you will probably think to yourself 'oh why did I worry about such things in the first place'. They may have meditation lessons one day a week, they may be able to ordain you for a short period of time, a few weeks maybe (here in thailand that is common though, people can ordain for a few weeks just to experience and live the pure way of life). You may even want to simply walk around and give an offering, they will have a bunch of options I am sure

Tosh

The first Buddhist centre I went in I mistakenly tried to walk into the meditation room 'the wrong way'. "SHOES OFF!" a Tibetan monk shouted at me. He kinda frightened me; he looked like a British army Gurkha in an Orange robe, and I never mess with those guys (I didn't want to end up at 45p a slice in the local supermarket).

Then he kinda smiled at me. Nice!

(This was in Bristol, not far from where ThailandTom comes from).

Cory

@Tosh Awesome. I think instead of making a call I will walk there after school tomorrow.

Nirvana

@sharonsaw, really appreciate your AWESOME POST above!

"Whenever I meet a person of bad nature,
Overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering,
I will hold such a rare one dear
As if I’ve found a precious treasure."
----from the 8 verses of thought transformation (http://blog.tsemtulku.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/buddhas-dharma/eight-verses-of-thought-transformation.html)

Why are these negative people a precious treasure? because people who are kind and nice to us do not make us develop patience and tolerance. It is only our enemies who make us develop these qualities, therefore, when we see someone irritating as a precious treasure and actually welcome them and their irritating behaviour, you will see your mind transform and achieve inner peace - eventually

Love can overcome all. One might even go so far as to state, along with the Collect for Quinquagesima Sunday:

all our doings without charity are nothing worth; Send thy Holy Ghost and pour
into our hearts that most excellent gift of charity, the very
bond of peace and of all virtue, without which whosoever
liveth is counted dead before thee.

ThailandTom

Tosh said:

The first Buddhist centre I went in I mistakenly tried to walk into the meditation room 'the wrong way'. "SHOES OFF!" a Tibetan monk shouted at me. He kinda frightened me; he looked like a British army Gurkha in an Orange robe, and I never mess with those guys (I didn't want to end up at 45p a slice in the local supermarket).

Then he kinda smiled at me. Nice!

(This was in Bristol, not far from where ThailandTom comes from).

Really Bristol? Wow small world. That place has a couple of temples to be knowledge, one on Gloucester Road. Funny story though Tosh.

Tosh

Yes, I know the Gloucester Road one well too (there's two of 'em facing each other on opposite sides of the road actually). There's also a huge A.A. meeting just 30 meters from the Buddhist Centre.

The place where the Tibetan Buddhist shouted "Shoes Off!" was the Lam Rim centre in Bedminster.

Cory

@Tosh The one by my house is Vietnamese, but I'm Mahayana. Does that matter? :-/

BhikkhuJayasara

Cory said:

I share a room with my step brother, and I have virtually no where quiet to meditate in the evenings. I would definitely say that there is no time that it is silent in the room unless he is not home. Any tips or ideas so I can meditate every evening?

Ajahn Brahm talks about how today every child has their own room and the family becomes distant.. but when they all share a smaller house it makes for a better family etc. I had two younger sisters and they shared a room. I had my own being a boy but I never had a brother. I think thats how I started to develop the ability to be by myself for long periods of time.

how about meditating outside?

Cory

I have considered going outside. If I meditate outside I normally do so on my porch, and sometimes in my back yard. On the other hand I got a good tip to go to a temple and I have one right down the street. The temple down the street from where I live is Vietnamese buddhist, but I am Tibetan Buddhist, Does that matter?

BhikkhuJayasara

Cory said:

I have considered going outside. If I meditate outside I normally do so on my porch, and sometimes in my back yard. On the other hand I got a good tip to go to a temple and I have one right down the street. The temple down the street from where I live is Vietnamese buddhist, but I am Tibetan Buddhist, Does that matter?

I would say normally no, it shouldn't, I've been to a Mahayana monastery for a retreat before as a Theravadan. Most people don't care and accept all Buddhists.

and also for the meditating outside.. I'm a huge proponent of it since I DO it every day in cold or heat, I always prefer to do it outside, much to my own determent actually, as I have a harder time meditating in meditation halls with other people. Being able to eventually be flexible enough to meditate nearly anywhere is the goal, but to start out of course a quiet calm place is always good.

Tosh

Cory said:

@Tosh The one by my house is Vietnamese, but I'm Mahayana. Does that matter? :-/

Nah, all Buddhists tend to agree on the the important stuff, the Four Noble Truths which encompasses the Eightfold path, and principles such as love, compassion, tolerance, etc. I think the differences are in the area of emphasis where they put their practise; for example Tibetan Buddhists may focus more on compassion (but still meditate and be mindful), but Zen may focus more on meditation and mindfulness, but still practise compassion. I'm far from any expert though; there's plenty here know far more than I.

And there seems to be very little sectarianism in Buddhism; most Buddhist sects tend to get along just fine with each other. If you were older - and had transport - I think most Buddhists would suggest you go and visit a few different Buddhist centres so you can compare and choose one that resonates with you.

But I'm sure the Vietnamese one will be just fine, just call in with an open mind. They will probably have drop in meditation classes which are great for anyone new to Buddhism.

Good luck!

Brian

There is always one place in the house where you are virtually guaranteed privacy.... The bathroom

lobster

Bubble bath meditation . . . I have a thread on it somewhere . . . One solution. Chanting might dissuade the 'disrespectful' sibling (would not stop me but who knows).
Your best bet might be to learn the art of meditating whilst not meditating . . .

1. Visualise a yidam meditating
2. Enter and be present in the visualisation
3. Carry on with normal activities holding this internal mandala

:om:

BhikkhuJayasara

this is what the Buddha says about meditation places from Anapanasati Sutta, take from it what you will -

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.118.than.html

two translations.

"Herein, monks, a monk who has gone to the forest, or to the foot of a tree, or to an empty place, sits down cross legged, holding his back erect, arousing mindfulness in front of him."

"There is the case where a monk, having gone to the wilderness, to the shade of a tree, or to an empty building, sits down folding his legs crosswise, holding his body erect, and setting mindfulness to the fore.[1] Always mindful, he breathes in; mindful he breathes out.