A possible breakthrough

chela

I have been meditating for approximately 3 months. Over the weekend, it started to sink in that some of the issues that led me to meditation have been corrected: I have much less anxiety, I'm breathing naturally most of the time now, I am not in a constant state of compulsive planning and doing, I can read now, I can nap now(!), I am able to wind down in the evening and fall asleep without taking a Benedryl, I am less exhausted, less irritable, and able to sit calmly and be present!

Life is starting to feel more wonderful-- the best it has been in years.

Yesterday, at my Sangha's discussion (which occurs after our meditation), we were talking about some of the benefits we've experienced from meditation. Someone mentioned that they have been a compulsive planner, which several of us related to. When someone asked why do we think we are/have been like that, we each had different answers: to try to be successful, to be distracted, and a few others. But what it all boils down to is: Fear. Yesterday, I reflected on that. What am I afraid of? What is the ultimate fear? Fear of death. Of course! I think most psychoanalysts would say that is a standard, yet deep-seated fear that spawns lots of psychological problems.

As I pondered my fear, I realized that as I am just reaching the middle age years, I need to come to grips with this. When you are my age, you see your youthfulness has faded and continues to fade at a somewhat alarming rate (although, it's relative), you see gray hairs springing up, a double chin hiding in the shadows, a few lines in your face that somehow sneaked in while you were sleeping. Is it any wonder why, at this age, it isn't uncommon for people to have their "midlife crisis"?

As this unveiling of my deepest fear that has been secretly wedged in my being like a large, festering splinter, I felt a rush of relief. I am facing it, but the splinter's not all the way out. Last night I had strange death dreams. The one that I remember most, had to do with some kind of death that I was hiding in my dresser drawer, like a folded up garment, so that nobody would find it. It seems to be a good time to do some spring cleaning!

Lucy_Begood

@chela, when we look a little closer at that fear of old age/death, we can see that at the bottom of it all is attachment. It is so nice to be letting go of that, isn't it?

black_tea

I actually remember the moment when the realization that myself and everyone I loved will die hit me. I was in graduate school working in the library -- nothing in particular brought it on, just suddenly BOOM sense of my own mortality. Of course I knew intellectually that life doesn't last for ever, but it didn't feel really real until that moment. I've also never gotten over it. It's not like I lie in bed at night fretting, but it's there under the surface and all it takes is seeing yet another season pass, another birthday, this morning my dad complaining that his hands were hurting, for that fear to rear it's ugly head.

ZendoLord84

Im meditating for almost ten years now.

I react different to situations then non-practicioners.
My look at life in general is different too.
In a good way I think.

Still im human tough, I do get angry, frustrated, sad, tired etc.
Sometimes more then non-practisioners it seems.

I get fully into the moment.

upekka

iamthezenmaster said:

Still im human tough, I do get angry, frustrated, sad, tired etc.

but
for sure
it must have been reduced than ten years ago

ZendoLord84

No .

The emotions never go away.
Im gratefull for that.

Through insight, patience and awereness I can deal better with them tough
A bit.

upekka

iamthezenmaster said:

The emotions never go away.
Im gratefull for that.

after a while of meditation
check whether there are any emotions in the mind

Bunks

Middle age......no better time to jump on the spiritual path!! Best of luck @chela.

lobster

What is the ultimate fear? Fear of death.

Perhaps.
Perhaps it is fear of life.
The unborn, non conditional does not have this fear component. We may be brought back into the body, the emotions etc. However residing in this pristine awareness is key to our awareness.

The dervishes say, 'die before you die', which is an ongoing process of letting go of attachments and developing positive life affirming qualities.

Some hard core nihilist centered 'Buddhists', may feel that positive and ethical behaviour is a form of attachment. Is the practice of metta an attachment? Perhaps . . . too scared to be born into a new life?

:clap:

chela

I think fear of death IS fear of life. After all, dying is part of living. Death is a misnomer. When someone dies, it is actually the end of death.

Florian

Yes. Funny how often opposite views turn out to be equivalent when seen from a different angle.

riverflow

chela said:

I think fear of death IS fear of life. After all, dying is part of living. Death is a misnomer. When someone dies, it is actually the end of death.

This reminds me of something (from a different philosophical angle) that the French philosopher Pierre Hadot wrote:

To die well means to understand that death, qua not-being, is nothing for us; but it also means rejoicing at each instant that we have acceded to being, and knowing that death cannot diminish the plentitude of the pleasure of being. As Carlo Diano has rightly remarked, there is a profound ontological intuition behind the idea that death is nothing for me: being is not not-being, and there is no passage from being to nothingness. Perhaps Wittgenstein was thinking of Epicurus when he wrote: “Death is not an event in life. It is not experienced. If by ‘eternity’ we mean not an infinite temporal duration but atemporality, then whoever lives in the present lives eternally.”

Here we see that Spinoza was wrong, in a sense, to oppose meditation on death to meditation on life. In fact, they are inseparable from each other. They are fundamentally identical, and both are an indispensable condition for becoming self-aware.

~Pierre Hadot, What Is Ancient Philosophy?

Gui

Life And Death

Life, death, - death, life; the words have led for ages
Our thought and consciousness and firmly seemed
Two opposites; but now long-hidden pages
Are opened, liberating truths undreamed.
Life only is, or death is life disguised, -
Life a short death until by Life we are surprised.

-Sri Aurobindo

ZendoLord84

upekka said:

iamthezenmaster said:

The emotions never go away.
Im gratefull for that.

after a while of meditation
check whether there are any emotions in the mind

Lol.
Mind is emptyness.
Body is form.
Both are one.

Something like that.