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The root of my anger
I have discovered that the root of my anger and suffering is feeling like I am useless nad unfunctional. I feel like if I don't have some degree or have the same abilities as everyone else, then the world says I have no value. That is fine for the world, but I have to live in it. I am afraid that if I fail at getting my degree then I will have no value and won't be able to live comfortablily. My whole life I have been trying to find something I am good at, and because I have been reinforced that I have no value because I can't be perfect, I then act out and become angry because; I feel like poeple either do things to get in the way of my ablitiy to be functional in the world, do things that detrograde and undermine my ability to function, or try to rein-force my fear of not having the ablilty to function in life.
All I really want is to be able to have enough to be comfortable. Life is really hard in a world that thinks greedily.
All I really want is to be able to have enough to be comfortable. Life is really hard in a world that thinks greedily.
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(I'm not saying that education is, in itself, unimportant--but it also isn't as important as society makes it out to be either)
2 quotes that I find useful:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
And "If you aren't living to your fullest potential, using your strengths and gifts, you are not only depriving yourself but you are depriving the rest of the world as well."
Sometimes it's hard to figure out what our gifts are. I always felt it was a bit "Unfair" in a sense because some people have such clear talents and they know early on what they want to do with them. I was never one of those people, lol. But then I figured out the only person who was making me feel sorry for myself over it was myself. I often saw the things that were my strengths as useless, because I was comparing them to my friends who were interior designers, working for rich people and designing awesome things, or lawyers, or whatever. It's not true. You have to value your strengths before anyone else can, or before you can make them work for you.
But you don't have to be perfect. Who said you have to be perfect? Maybe you're perceiving others as having "made it", and having their lives all settled, and you feel like you'll never measure up, but that's all in your mind. Other people don't have it all together, and you don't have to measure up to anyone but yourself.
Worldly conditions come and go life and society are seperate. What one does on the job sticks for life. Make whatever you choose in society constructive. Naturally it will be easy.
It is helpful to remember that you are fine, just the way you are. There is no need to go and chase something. It goes against our Western ways, but if you learn to "just be," you will find happiness easier to obtain.
I was recently a compulsive planner/doer. When I read the above linked passage in a book, it was like someone had pulled me out of the drowning ocean I had been flailing about in for years. Aimlessness and mindfulness together are a wonderful practice.
Ironically, by society's standards, I'm doing alright. I've got a relatively stable job in the high tech industry, am married, drive a car and go on vacations (sounds funny, right? well, that is pretty much how "success" seems to be defined these days) . But the drive-to-attain is none the weaker for that. You should become a manager, it whispers. You should get a graduate degree, it suggests. You should find a more exciting career, it screams. Yes, this fellow drives me mad and makes me very anxious at times. Sometimes I get so sick of him that I drown in dreams of leaving it all behind and leading a monk-like existence.
It seems that there are really a two components to this "attainment neurosis". First, it's indirect pressure from our competitive, money-oriented society. If that were all there was to it, that wouldn't be so bad-- it is definitely possible to learn to resist external pressure. But there's the other component, the deep seated need for meaning, the deep seated desire to be helpful to beings in some way. That is where I'm in a state of a nearly perpetual crisis. I realize that sitting in my cubicle for half my life isn't the way to make any kind of difference and that realization *hurts*. It is the question "why is my life worth living?" that makes this really difficult for me.
Meditaive practice does help alleviate the suffering from desire to attain. It opens and clears the mind and then it becomes more evident what correct actions can be performed right here and right now. Also, I develop some kind of insight into this neurosis and it turns out to be not quite what it seems to my busy thinking mind. When seen with that insight, it has less grip on me. However, I cannot say that I've resolved this "attainment" dilemma. I have yet to find the correct way to hold this life when I'm in the grind of things rather than on a cushion or a quiet park.
Another thing that helps is finding some way to be helpful to others, even in very small ways. Could be as simple as smiling to a gloomy coworker or doing the dishes in my parents' house. Those acts of engaging my environment with intent to help take out a lot of teeth out of the mounth of the "attainment demon". It really feels like magic. Just being helpful right here and right now even if I feel as if I'm tied in knots inside (especially when I feel as if I'm tied in knots) makes life so much more 3D.
...As for your dilemma, Ordinarybeing, I feel for you. It is quite hard these days to make a decent living and you do need specialized training to achieve that. Sadly, gone are the days when one can keep a roof over their head by doing odd jobs, at least here in the good old USA. Unless you have monastic life in mind for yourself, or have a solid social safety net to rely on, you do need to get some degree or at least a professional ceritifaction. If you have the opportunity, you can try volunteering in different roles, to try and understand what occupations fit your pesonality better.
But ultimately, you'll need to pick a field and stick to it for some number of years. And finally, I don't buy the "do what you love" line you can hear from some counselors-- any job out there will suck a lot of the time. They wouldn't call it work if it was fun, the old saying goes. Accept that early on. You are giving your life force in exchange for material things and that cannot possibly be a happy experience all of the time. Merely having a job that's alright and pays the bills is a great fortune. That doesn't mean that we have to settle for anything, but it does mean that we need to be realistic.
The key is to find balance between making a living and everything else. Quite a few people get totally consumed by their careers so much so that they start to resemble robots. However, if you look around, you'll probably see some folks who manage to both put bread on their table and preserve their "human side". Try and get closer to them and learn those attitudes and skills that make that possible. And most importantly, find a way to keep in touch with your spiritual needs, whether through meditation, prayer, helping others or whatever else that clicks with you.
It's a hard life. But it is possible to soften it. That is what the Buddha taught. Good luck with that to you, Ordinarybeing, and to every single one of us.
Take some supplements, you might find you have a serious vitamin D deficiency.
Walk in the early morning sunlight. Rise up and be in the early morning sunlight. It is a powerful medicine, these rays of light are different from any other time of day.
You are going to die. It's inevitable. Be really afraid of it, and then completely give up being afraid, because it never stops, so.... ?
Samsara is never-ending agony, but vow to overcome it. Pain and suffering do not end, so why be surprised?
I think you will be a great help to others, get outside yourself and volunteer, especially at things you don't think you will like. You might actually learn to have friends among old people, for example, although you think right now that they are creepy. That sort of thing.
Meditate and then rest in the space.
And yes, you're right - intent is very important.
Getting a degree just because that's what you feel like you're supposed to do to be happy is not a very good intention.
However, getting a certain degree because you want to pursue a career that will enable you to do xyz so you can afford to raise a family, etc isn't bad. As laypeople, we have a much harder time treading the middle path, IMO.
Renunciation always seems to be the answer. But if we are to stay as laypeople, there's a much finer line between contentment in the moment/non-grasping and the demands of the modern world.
I like that phrase "Wishing our lives away." :cool: Sometimes I think that certain stages of life call for different things. Perhaps if you are already in a career that's not terrible, learning to be content and "just be" would be a great thing.
However, as someone in their early-mid 20s that is still living with parents and has no real job prospects, perhaps "just being" would cause more conflict and disharmony with people around me. It's all well and good if I can be in my bubble of bliss of non-grasping/just being, but I don't think it's very skillful to be a burden on others.
That being said, there's a way to balance contentment with one's current situation and goal-setting. I feel like I've sort of managed to make it work, but it's hard to explain how.