In a few months, I will be turning 28. Somehow, 28 seems so much closer to 30 than 27... and in all honesty, 30 looks like the death of youth at the moment.
I know that inevitably, everyone older than me on this board is going to comment chastising me because "Try being 40!/50!/60!/70!, etc." And yes... 30 is not all that bad in theory... I'm still relatively healthy and whatnot, plus, I'm not even turning 30... but the thing is... all of this is making me realize just how much I cling to this illusion of youth. Before you yell at me, please try to remember how you felt when you approached this age mark. Because 30 is that dividing line in our culture. It's that line between "Omg totes!" and "Do you guys have any business woman specials?" There's expectations at 30! Mistakes that seem acceptable for youth are suddenly pathetic at 30. You're supposed to have your shit together by 30, but I don't feel that way at all. I literally feel like I'm bumbling through life each year... taxes still give me heart attacks... I am late on bills all the time, not because I don't have the money, just because I'm an idiot... I nearly forget to renew my plates each year... Sometimes I'm amazed I accomplish anything.
I mean, hello, my name is zombieGIRL not zombieWOMAN... Sure, I've been on this site a few years, but if that's not a symptom of my denial, I don't know what is... lol
But the thing is... I still talk like a valley girl... I still play video games and paint my nails crazy colors and wear chuck taylors and in general... do NOT act like an "adult". Last night, one of the younger girls at work said to me, "Yeah, you're like 30 right?" and my face was like T_T so she quickly countered with, "But I only know that cuz you told me! I was really shocked cuz you look so much younger!" But the damage was done because the point wasn't about the number, it was about how I stood opposed to her: an adult vs an early twenty-something. The point was that "like 30" meant "you are no longer in the same age group as me" and I hate that this bothers me.
So, I'm sad to announce, this whole thing is really making me suffer, like dukkha tends to do. I find myself wondering how much longer I can continue to keep up with current fashion and dress cute before I'm that pathetic old lady clinging to her youth... T_T Like, can I say "totes" or do I need to stick with "totally" because that's what we said in MY GENERATION.
I'm starting to hate the current music. I'm starting to not understand the current fashion (especially when I see styles recycled!). Hanging out with my little cousins (18-21 year olds) makes me feel so old when I have no idea about the new bands and slang they talk about. I'm starting to not feel relevant and I'm finally starting to understand all of the comments that older people have made throughout my youth and even scarier, they're starting to come out of my mouth!
Aging is inevitable, obviously. Intellectually I know that it's futile to rebel, that you just have to accept it. Understanding that concept is easy, but applying it to my life has been difficult. It's frustrating that I care so much... I didn't think I would care this much, you know? I kind of want to figure this out now because every year is feeling like a big tick toc down on my relevancy to youth culture. It's inescapable and I don't WANT to be that woman who struggles against the inevitable, pouring massive amounts of energy and money into her futile attempt at looking young, yet deep down knows that she's not fooling anyone. I'm starting to become that woman, I can feel it...
Somehow, I expected to slide into being a grown up with the grace of an old sage, imparting wisdom on the youth around me... knowing that with each wrinkle, I'm looking more distinguished because they aren't 'frown lines' ... they're 'smile lines'! ...But I don't feel that way at all. I hate these freakin 'smile lines'. My face isn't supposed to have a lingering trace of a smile, it's supposed to bounce back like youthful collagen filled skin should! Argh.
To sum it all up, it's just that moment where you suddenly realize you're thinking of a song as "new and hip" but in reality, it totally came out 7 years ago... Yeah. I'm living in that moment.
Towanda help me