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The Cleansing
Seph
Veteran
The Cleansing
Relationships come and go. Sometimes we move and they fade away into past memories. Others abruptly end due to irreconcilable differences or conflict. Some relationships last a lifetime and are & mutually& supportive, constructive, fun, and loving. And some linger on - possible due to some elusive and ill founded sense of duty or obligation. These tend to be long-lived. These tend to be insidious because they can become so commonplace that we become blind to their damages and potential toxicity.
These are the ones my wife and I took a long hard look at and abandoned, primarily because of our children and our own sanity. It was this period of time that I have come to call The Cleansing.
It was a long process of learning, being used, and realization - years, possibly even decades - in its formation. But it was within the last 8 years that this cleansing of relationships reaching its full fruition. I cannot give a specific time or date when this occurred. It wasn't a spontaneous single incident; it wasn't a sudden purge. These relationships didn't just end. We had suspected for years that they were one-way streets. We simply "withdrew" and watched. And since we were the only ones feeding them, they slowly withered, starved, and died. It was actually a very passive act. More inaction than action. No going out with a bang, but a forgettable whimper.
There are times now when I feel fully convinced and content that it is done and over; that we have successfully purged these non-reciprocal or toxic relations and personalities out of our lives. But there are other times when I feel that it is not done, that the task is not yet complete or final.
It is clear to me, through incidental and sporadic chance encounters of information, that some of these people have not found closure or understanding or acceptance of this "cleansing". I wonder if the fault lies within myself for not having a bold enough confrontation on these issues. Other times I wonder if the reason they struggle is indicative of the self-serving causes that ultimately led to these circumstances. That they cannot see or cannot understand because they cannot, or will not, look at themselves. Lost in their delusions and denial.
I am well aware, that behind my back, I am still the bad-guy. This isn't new. In the now distant past they had solidified their relationships among themselves based upon this common 'enemy'- me. Why should it be different now? No, things on their end haven't changed. But when they can no longer make me their bad-guy, their scapegoat, they are left with nothing more than their empty victim-hood.
And that is why they fail to see. They can no longer understand what it means to be a victim, because they aren't one.
Do I have an obligation to help others of their illnesses, especially people I have chosen - with reason - to abandon?
They still live in their lies and deceits and illusions... they continue to poison themselves; instead of growing, they spin in circles, attempting to influence and poison any and all who will listen with the one thing that cannot be challenged; their perpetual state of victim-hood.
I must make it clear that I do not feel anger towards these people. I do not feel hurt, or resentment, or even disappointment anymore. I personally have come to terms with what these past relationships have, and have not, been. I have long since let go of what I might have hoped they might be, or what they should or should not have been. If I feel anything at all, it's pity... but not compassion.
And it is at this point that I become concerned: the lack of Compassion.
I have come to the conclusion (in The Dharma Entanglement) that Compassion is one of 3 elements integral, critical, and necessary for a healthy spiritual life and growth. However, I debate whether Compassion is called for in The Cleansing or not.
There is a difference between Pity and Compassion. I fear a great many people confuse or conveniently exchange the two. I myself, unfortunately, lack that luxury. Pity is sympathizing with someone's pain and suffering (but doing nothing). Compassion is sympathizing with someone's suffer and doing something to help alleviate it.
The question ultimately becomes, who is deserving or worthy of my Compassion?
Although I have spiritually moved beyond Christianity, I have borrowed their concept of Grace:
(Being rewarded or benefiting from something positive when you do not deserve it and have not earned it).
I'd like to believe that's part of my understanding of Compassion.
...or maybe this was the reason why those non-reciprocal and toxic relationships initially lingered of for so long.
Was my tolerance and Compassion their encouragement, their permission?
...or was my Pity the solution?
Relationships come and go. Sometimes we move and they fade away into past memories. Others abruptly end due to irreconcilable differences or conflict. Some relationships last a lifetime and are & mutually& supportive, constructive, fun, and loving. And some linger on - possible due to some elusive and ill founded sense of duty or obligation. These tend to be long-lived. These tend to be insidious because they can become so commonplace that we become blind to their damages and potential toxicity.
These are the ones my wife and I took a long hard look at and abandoned, primarily because of our children and our own sanity. It was this period of time that I have come to call The Cleansing.
It was a long process of learning, being used, and realization - years, possibly even decades - in its formation. But it was within the last 8 years that this cleansing of relationships reaching its full fruition. I cannot give a specific time or date when this occurred. It wasn't a spontaneous single incident; it wasn't a sudden purge. These relationships didn't just end. We had suspected for years that they were one-way streets. We simply "withdrew" and watched. And since we were the only ones feeding them, they slowly withered, starved, and died. It was actually a very passive act. More inaction than action. No going out with a bang, but a forgettable whimper.
There are times now when I feel fully convinced and content that it is done and over; that we have successfully purged these non-reciprocal or toxic relations and personalities out of our lives. But there are other times when I feel that it is not done, that the task is not yet complete or final.
It is clear to me, through incidental and sporadic chance encounters of information, that some of these people have not found closure or understanding or acceptance of this "cleansing". I wonder if the fault lies within myself for not having a bold enough confrontation on these issues. Other times I wonder if the reason they struggle is indicative of the self-serving causes that ultimately led to these circumstances. That they cannot see or cannot understand because they cannot, or will not, look at themselves. Lost in their delusions and denial.
I am well aware, that behind my back, I am still the bad-guy. This isn't new. In the now distant past they had solidified their relationships among themselves based upon this common 'enemy'- me. Why should it be different now? No, things on their end haven't changed. But when they can no longer make me their bad-guy, their scapegoat, they are left with nothing more than their empty victim-hood.
And that is why they fail to see. They can no longer understand what it means to be a victim, because they aren't one.
Do I have an obligation to help others of their illnesses, especially people I have chosen - with reason - to abandon?
They still live in their lies and deceits and illusions... they continue to poison themselves; instead of growing, they spin in circles, attempting to influence and poison any and all who will listen with the one thing that cannot be challenged; their perpetual state of victim-hood.
I must make it clear that I do not feel anger towards these people. I do not feel hurt, or resentment, or even disappointment anymore. I personally have come to terms with what these past relationships have, and have not, been. I have long since let go of what I might have hoped they might be, or what they should or should not have been. If I feel anything at all, it's pity... but not compassion.
And it is at this point that I become concerned: the lack of Compassion.
I have come to the conclusion (in The Dharma Entanglement) that Compassion is one of 3 elements integral, critical, and necessary for a healthy spiritual life and growth. However, I debate whether Compassion is called for in The Cleansing or not.
There is a difference between Pity and Compassion. I fear a great many people confuse or conveniently exchange the two. I myself, unfortunately, lack that luxury. Pity is sympathizing with someone's pain and suffering (but doing nothing). Compassion is sympathizing with someone's suffer and doing something to help alleviate it.
The question ultimately becomes, who is deserving or worthy of my Compassion?
Although I have spiritually moved beyond Christianity, I have borrowed their concept of Grace:
(Being rewarded or benefiting from something positive when you do not deserve it and have not earned it).
I'd like to believe that's part of my understanding of Compassion.
...or maybe this was the reason why those non-reciprocal and toxic relationships initially lingered of for so long.
Was my tolerance and Compassion their encouragement, their permission?
...or was my Pity the solution?
4
Comments
I often think that finding good companionship, means our need for social interaction allows the toxic relationships to be less of a resource. We should seek those that inspire and care for others. This is who we wish to be I hope . . . :clap:
If someone comes up to you and asks for help, then help them out as best you can or refer them to someone else. That is compassion.
Going up to someone and telling them what to do or enabling their victim mentality is not compassionate. This is control.
Keeping toxic relationships around because you feel sorry for them is a negative form of pity. It is failing to have compassion for yourself.
Distancing yourself from toxic relationships helps the other person out as well as yourself, because you are no longer enabling the behavior. This is pity and compassion for yourself.
Distancing yourself from toxic relationships but being able to still interact on a superficial level of care and concern is the most desirable. This is compassionate pity for them, and compassion for you.
Allow me to illustrate using my own life example. Again, this is just how I see it. I could be wrong and someone else may have better insight and may want to chime in:
I have some family members who are very toxic. I went from enabling their behavior as well as my victim mentality, to cutting them out completely. It was hard and sad for me to do, but the only way. Right now I pity them in the sense that I hope they receive the insight and wisdom that they refuse to seek. I've tried to help, but that was only trying to control the situation as well as the individual. It never works. Even when they ask for help it may not work. Hopefully I will get to a point where I can have true compassionate pity and be able to pick up the phone and ask how they are doing and not allow them to drag me into their drama. But I am not strong enough and at that point yet. Hopefully I will get there one day, but for now, I must show compassion for myself and help myself out, so I can set a better example for them in the future (and hopefully the opportunity will arise). In short, I believe compassion and pity, when executed in a positive manner, is the best combination when dealing with toxic individuals. You really cannot have one without the other. If so, then it becomes egocentric and negative.
Hope this made some sense and answered your questions.