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Real life, real time Metta Practice how to!
seeker242
ZenFlorida, USA Veteran
@ericcris10sen posted a thread earlier asking about how to deal with irritating people. I discovered a really great way to deal with this kind of situation. This technique works so good I felt it warranted it's own thread! @Karasti apparently knows this technique too!
Most everyone, at least most everyone who is interested in Buddhism, I would argue most people in general, deep down has a genuine concern for other people. We want other people to generally be happy. We want other people to generally not suffer so much. Even people who do bad things because if they weren't suffering, they would not be doing bad things to begin with. We generally want this for others just like we want ourselves to not suffer so much. So what you want to do is tap into this storehouse of genuine concern for others and bring it to the forefront of your mind. In real time. Right here, right now, while you are encountering these kinds of people. The Buddha taught this technique to people and he called it "appropriate attention". He said:
It's not all that difficult to imagine because that's the actual reality of what's going to happen to them. They will get sick. They will get old and they will die. This is guaranteed to happen! Imagine what they will experience when it does happen. They aren't going to like it. They will suffer.
By shifting your focus of attention off the irritating things they do or say and onto the suffering that you know they will experience. This changes everything! If you can really connect with that image of them suffering, the irritation completely disappears, just like the Buddha said it would. This technique is how you abide in the "divine abode" of Loving-kindness and compassion and lead you closer to the divine abode of equanimity. It leads you closer to enlightenment itself. Just like the Buddha said it would. Pretty smart guy.
:om:
What I do is this. It works really, really good! Everyone at one point or another encounters other people who are irritating, annoying, people that you don't like that much, perhaps people that you really don't like, maybe even people that you hate, etc, etc.karasti said:To learn to put myself in another's shoes. All the moments that cause me anger, frustration, and so on can be almost entirely alleviated by putting myself in that person's position, to think what their growing up was like, that their fears are, and so on.
Most everyone, at least most everyone who is interested in Buddhism, I would argue most people in general, deep down has a genuine concern for other people. We want other people to generally be happy. We want other people to generally not suffer so much. Even people who do bad things because if they weren't suffering, they would not be doing bad things to begin with. We generally want this for others just like we want ourselves to not suffer so much. So what you want to do is tap into this storehouse of genuine concern for others and bring it to the forefront of your mind. In real time. Right here, right now, while you are encountering these kinds of people. The Buddha taught this technique to people and he called it "appropriate attention". He said:
""From inappropriate attention you're being chewed by your thoughts. Relinquishing what's inappropriate, contemplate appropriately."So if you encounter a person who is annoying, irritating, etc. This is what you do. You imagine what that person is going to feel when they get old, when they get sick, when they really start dying. You imagine what that person is going to feel when they are on their deathbed. You imagine that person dying of cancer or some similar ailment. You imagine what that person is going to think and feel when they finally realize that they are going to die soon and they can't do anything about it. You see them lying in there in their hospital bed, crying their eyes out, with their whole family doing the same, because they don't want to die. So much suffering there. If you can conjure up this imagery you can tap into that underlying genuine concern and bring it to the forefront thereby shifting your focus of attention from what is "inappropriate" to what is "appropriate". It's like pulling a weed out of the garden the moment it sprouts up. When the weed has just sprouted, it's quite easy to uproot. The roots are very shallow and it comes right out. But if you let the weed sit there and grow for a while, the roots grow deeper, become more established and it becomes more difficult to uproot it. The trick is to uproot it as soon as it sprouts. This of course requires "right mindfulness" or the ability to remember to do this as soon as the weed sprouts up.
"With regard to internal factors, I don't envision any other single factor like appropriate attention as doing so much for a monk in training, who has not attained the goal but remains intent on the unsurpassed safety from bondage. A monk who attends appropriately abandons what is unskillful and develops what is skillful.
"There are objects causing aversion; frequently giving unwise attention to them — this is the nourishment for the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and for the increase and strengthening of ill-will that has already arisen.
"There is the liberation of the heart by loving-kindness; frequently giving wise attention to it — this is the denourishing of the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and the decrease and weakening of ill-will that has already arisen."
It's not all that difficult to imagine because that's the actual reality of what's going to happen to them. They will get sick. They will get old and they will die. This is guaranteed to happen! Imagine what they will experience when it does happen. They aren't going to like it. They will suffer.
By shifting your focus of attention off the irritating things they do or say and onto the suffering that you know they will experience. This changes everything! If you can really connect with that image of them suffering, the irritation completely disappears, just like the Buddha said it would. This technique is how you abide in the "divine abode" of Loving-kindness and compassion and lead you closer to the divine abode of equanimity. It leads you closer to enlightenment itself. Just like the Buddha said it would. Pretty smart guy.
:om:
14
Comments
"To forgive means to restore a bond of love and communion when there has been a rupture. Sin ruptures our relationship with God and others, as also do offenses taken and given among people.
When the bond is broken with other people, we tend to objectify them and judge them, not seeing them as persons, but only as objects of our anger and hurt. This is our sinful reaction. We categorize people in terms of their transgression against us.
The longer we nurture the anger and alienation, the more deeply the resentment takes hold in our heart, and the more it feeds on our soul. Resentment is a cancer that will destroy us if we don’t forgive! It also leaks out and damages our relations with others when we slander and gossip about those who have offended us and try to draw others to our own side...
Forgiveness means overlooking the sin or transgression, and restoring a bond of love. It does not mean justifying the offensive action or accepting it as right, nor does it mean justifying one’s own anger or sinful reaction. Forgiveness means laying aside our judgments of the other person and our own sinful reactions, and accepting others for who they are."
"We can cultivate a spirit of forgiveness by “never allowing the sun to go down on our anger.” This is a fundamental monastic and Christian precept. If we allow a resentment to take root, it is our sin, no matter what the other person has done to us.
Now, we are only human, and this is part of our fallenness. But, when we see it happening, we need to stop ourselves, recognize that we are no different and sin no less than the other, and forgive. Even to seventy times seven, day in and day out.
When someone says or does something to offend us, intentionally or unintentionally, we do not need to react in any way. We can simply take it in, and respond appropriately. This is the principle of non-reaction. It is based on the realization that our reactions are purely our own responsibility, and not caused by a provocation. The provocations will come, but we can choose to react or not, respond or not.
There is a story in the desert fathers about a young novice who was told by his elder, “Go and yell at the rock.” So, for half a day, he went and yelled at a rock, insulted, berated, and cursed it. He went back to his elder, who told him, “Now, praise and flatter the rock.” So he went back and praised, flattered, and said nice things to the rock. He went back and his elder asked him, “How did the rock react when you praised it?” “It didn’t,” he said. “How did it react when you screamed at it and cursed it?” “It didn’t react,” he said. “So,” said the elder, “should you also be impervious to praise or calumny, and react to both in the same way, as did the rock.”
Much of the spiritual life is dedicated to one goal: complete self-mastery, especially in relation to control over one’s reactions. The more mature we are, spiritually, the greater control we have over our reactions. In other words, we have to be watchful over our thoughts, and maintain a spirit of love and compassion. When our thoughts accuse others, and we begin to be upset, then we need to cut off the thoughts and recognize that they are temptations. They are more about me than about the other person. The more we let our thoughts against the other fester, the harder it will be to rid ourselves of them, and resentments will develop. The basic principle of non-reaction, not only in deed, but in thought and feeling, and maintaining a spirit of peace, is the key. With this underlying attitude, it becomes difficult to get us to take offense, and thus, there is seldom a need for forgiveness or reconciliation. This, however, is a mark of very great maturity, and few there are that possess it."
"The roots of unforgiveness are pride, vainglory, arrogance, and conceit. If I refuse to forgive someone, it is my sin. I can no longer pray the Lord’s Prayer without damning myself, nor approach the Chalice. We refuse to forgive because we feel justified in our resentment and bitterness. We cast all the blame and criticism on the other, and blind ourselves to the reality of our own faults. Thus we live in delusion. To harbor bitterness is unadulterated pride and conceit, and we alienate ourselves from Christ. Resentment and bitterness are cancer in the soul, which will destroy us if we do not forgive and become reconciled. Such bitterness is often the root of addictions, which are simply attempts to anesthetize the pain of our own self-condemnation. We torment ourselves with the remembrance of wrongs and wallow in our self-pity, thinking ourselves the innocent victims. Seldom is this the reality, except in some cases of abuse."
On Purity:
"What, succinctly, is purity? It is a heart that shows mercy to all created nature... And what is a merciful heart? It is the heart's burning for the sake of the entire creation, for men, for birds, for animals, for demons, and for every created thing; and by the recollection and sight of them the eyes of a merciful man pour forth abundant tears. From the strong and vehement mercy which grips his heart and from his compassion, his heart is humbled and he cannot bear to hear or see any injury or slight sorrow in creation. For this reason he offers up tearful prayers continually even for irrational beasts, for the enemies of the truth, and for those who harm him, that they be protected and receive mercy."
Talk about Metta practice!
However, our thoughts determine our lives, the effects of which don’t happen in isolation because our existence is intertwined, so in that sense we are all responsible for all the horrible things that happen around the world and there is no excuse.
Many years ago in one of my college classes on U.S. history we watched a video interview of a holocaust survivor. I don’t remember all the details but the end, when the man said that Israel is the best friend the U.S. has, and not like an Arab who will stab you in the back.
Here was a man who was a victim of such horrific brutality and then passed judgment on another. That is what my professor wanted the class to realize, because that was the essence of the holocaust. If we no longer see another as person we can say and do anything we want about or to them.
It's not all that difficult to imagine because that's the actual reality of what's going to happen to them. They will get sick. They will get old and they will die. This is guaranteed to happen! Imagine what they will experience when it does happen. They aren't going to like it. They will suffer.
By shifting your focus of attention off the irritating things they do or say and onto the suffering that you know they will experience. This changes everything! If you can really connect with that image of them suffering, the irritation completely disappears, just like the Buddha said it would. This technique is how you abide in the "divine abode" of Loving-kindness and compassion and lead you closer to the divine abode of equanimity. It leads you closer to enlightenment itself. Just like the Buddha said it would. Pretty smart guy.
:om:
Morbid fantasies only serve to distract.
The best thing to do is pay attention and take responsibility. Look inward and try to see what is causing the irritation or anger. Perhaps there are issues, we could be investigated, that are closer to the source and irritation at others is merely an expression of that deeper knot.
French Proverb
People (friends and family) take advantage of my kindess and compassion... I get no generosity back. I get no happiness back when these people are in my life...
Ive realised happiness comes when i have the courage to say how i feel and 'remove' them from my life... Ive done it with a few people and it feels great.
Theres still a few i need to chat to, and if they are not willing to change then i will be removing them aswell.
Sometimes we have to stand our ground and be strong enough to know when enough is enough.... Being all buddhist and compassionate doesnt always work for some people... (At least not for me) ive tried for many many many many years..... And all that happens is; "your kindness gets used and abused"
Being compassionate doesn't mean to allow others to treat you like a door mat. Sometimes we do have to take appropriate measures, and sometimes not only for our benefit.
A couple of years ago we had a visitor at our temple. We have visitors all the time and this is no big deal, but towards the end of the service she stole a purse and was caught. The owner of the purse was distraught over whether she should press charges or not, and the person who stole it attempted to make her feel guilty by asking her to forgive and let her go, because it was the Christian thing to do. Well, the owner eventually asked our priest for counsel and he simply asked her, “Do you want her to keep doing that?”, and when the police came they searched her car and found it loaded with purses. The important thing was that even though the owner of the purse pressed charges she did not harbor resentment or bear a grudge, but was more concerned for the well-being of the other person.
Also, true giving is an act of charity without the expectation of receiving something in return. My former Lama said that once you have committed to and have given something away, like a dollar bill for instance or your time, then let it go. It is no longer yours to keep, and what that other person does with it rests with them, because you have given it away.
Perhaps if you have any thought of expectation prior then its probably better not to offer at that time. You will be provided many more opportunities to do so in the future, and either way its all part of the spiritual development process, so its okay to say no.
Even with the strictest environmental controls you cannot completely irradicate even pesky insects. So one tiny one starts crawling on you and you accidentally crush it to death while exploring your body for what's happening. It's too bad, really, that that's what happened: But you're not elated on the kill and you don't carry on and on about what a nasty critter that bug was and how it really deserved to die. No, you let it go, realizing that that's just the sort of thing that life in the world brings. You may not think the life of an insect worthy of much Metta meditation, but maybe that's an oversight d/t the self-centeredness of our species???
You don't dwell on the faults of others, but rather try to lift up these situations in which you find yourself with others by means of your own good cheer and forbearance. Your thought can and will make a difference if a difference is sought. Rather than seeing or hearing irritating things, look for things of beauty instead. Everything has its fine points.
"Why is it that I allow [him or her] to irritate me?" may very well be a profitable line of inquiry.
Someone being mean to you because they are having a bad day, I would not consider to be hurtful.
As for directing wise attention to loving-kindness and compassion, I think that works very well as you say. Quite often I also like to do a reflection on karma as well. I think this is a good alternative or supplementary theme to attend to for those of us who believe in karma. What I normally do is simply to tell myself that it isn't right to blame the other person for doing something that made me angry because ultimately I am just experiencing the fruit of some action I had myself done in the past. Then I will also reflect on the fact that if I react with anger, then this is just planting more seeds for further suffering in the future. I find this kind of reflection is also effective. It is particularly useful in cases where the object of your anger is someone whom you normally have some trouble developing loving-kindness and compassion towards.