Telling an awful truth?

dhammacitta

So I finally got to see a therapist yesterday and I went with my mom. Getting back home she asked what did I tell the therapist, and I said I told her everyone mistreats me, except for two of my cousins. Unfortunately, she started crying, she cried all the way home and later at home too. I explained it to her that I didn't mean that everyone was mean all the time, I said most of the people really break my heart sometimes, or most of the times, but not all the time. Her mistreating of me is probably the worst, she left the house for her boyfriend, and has been neglecting me ever since I was born, more now that she is in a relationship. I told her I wouldn't apologize because it was the truth, and I was the one being mistreated, people should apologize to me. But later I hugged and kissed because I couldn't stand to see her being so upset. But I didn't apologize. When she said goodbye to me, she said that even though she gets mixed up sometimes, she loves me. I smiled, but I didn't say anything, as I'm uncomfortable with affection. She seems mostly over it, but I'm left wondering if I did the right thing. She asked me something, I told her the truth. I guess I should have said something else that I said instead of that. But in anyway, should I apologize?

Jeffrey

No telling the truth was right. It always is (almost). I doubt we can answer your question of should you apologize, because we are random people on the net and we don't know your background of the issue.

So did she leave you when you were young? How young?

I would say stay in the present and see how she treats you NOW rather than in the past. She went to your meeting with you, didn't she. That was kind of her to give you the moral support.

I'd think about it. In communication try non-violent communication (NVC). In that you let go of feelings of I, me, or mine. You let the other express themselves and you say what you need to say. Not sure totally I have never taken the NVC course in my sangha..

dhammacitta

I was 13. Pretty crucial part of life. Interesting this non-violent communication thing... I'm gonna meditate a bit more, develop more metta before trying to open up, though. Thanks.

Jeffrey

That sounds like great coping, dhammacitta (the meditation and metta). NVC I know you slow down, listen, and don't have to 'win'. Even if the other person doesn't agree or change just being heard will make you feel better. By listening and seeing the issue as just a passing arising and no need to win will make your mom have less defense mechanisms up and she (and you) will say what needs to be said without distortion of anger or defensiveness.

dhammacitta

Sounds great, or could it be better to just forget it, not mention anything bad. Focus on the positive, in order to make it grow??

Jeffrey

That could be too. But do you think it will come up again?

dhammacitta

It might. Well, in that case I need to work on forgiveness. Hmm, two good paths... It's hard when this happens.

vinlyn

If you want things to change, you have to make them change. You did the right thing.

ericcris10sen

Even though it was tough, on both of you, I think it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was best for her to hear that, and maybe finally realizing it, she'll make a change in her life.

genkaku

I don't think that telling the truth is aimed at changing someone else's outlook, attitude or actions; I think it is aimed at changing your own.

karasti

I don't think you need to apologize. I agree with waiting to see where things go. But always remember that everyone's perceptions are very different. I'm not in any way tryin to lessen what you experienced, because I don't know. I'm just saying even in the identical environment everyone experiences it differently. Now that you said what you did, maybe it'll open a door to have further conversations and clarify your feelings. You want to make sure, if you can, to make it about how you felt, and not "you made me feel this way." You want to take the blame out of it and just share your experience and perception. It's easier to keep the door open that way.

I say what I did about perceptions because, my sister and I grew up in the same house. With the same parents, same holidays, same experiences. And sometimes, when my sister talks about something that happened, I wonder if we really did grow up in the same house. Her perception of an identical event that I can recall is SO vastly different from mine, and then again from the view of our parents, that it's amazing. You would not be able to read the accounts and even tell it was the same people involved. So I think that is something worth keeping in mind. It's really quite interesting to talk to people in your family about events and realize how different everyone saw and felt it. Again, I'm in no way excusing any maltreatment of you by your family in saying that. Just that in my own experience it was interesting to learn.

I hope things will improve for you both. It seems by your mom's reaction that she felt strongly about what you said. She probably realizes that she did not treat you well but having someone put it out there is hard to face. I hope she will face it and things can get better for you both. And I'm glad you are seeing someone who can help you process those feelings Many good wishes to you.

ThailandTom

I know it is hard seeing your mother cry and especially because of something you have done or said, but you were in the right here and did the right thing. So please don't go beating yourself up over this.

From what I have read it seems you mother probably has issues and needs therapy as well, if you lied and did not mention this then not much is going to change in your relationship. Instead of apologizing just be mindful of what you say and how you say it.

I wish you both all the best

federica

Personally?
I wouldn't have told her.
Had she asked the therapist what was said, the therapist would have declined a response, on the basis of client confidentiality.

You in my opinion, should have done the same.
That's the whole point of therapy: Being able to work through our baggage without any fear of repercussion...
I would have responded, "I'm sorry, I can't really reveal that right now.... I'm still working on some things. Maybe further down the road, we can discuss this, but right now, I'd feel happier keeping these sessions to myself."

lobster

I agree with Frederica. Truth is not in words.
It is in context.

Kindness is more true than, 'yes you look fat in that' or 'you were a crap parent'. Be kind or be silent. The tongue is a hurtful weapon. Sometimes we wish to inflict pain on those who have hurt us . . .

Truth has layers . . . and that is no lie . . .

:wave:

poptart

Well as a mother I would rather know, even if the truth hurt.
Tears aren't always a bad thing. They can be the start of healing.
Why don't you ask her "Should I have told you?" and see what she says.

MaryAnne

I can't say if you did right or wrong by being so honest/blunt with your mother- I don't know enough of the background story, nor your mom's side of things, to make that determination.
But I wonder, would your mom be interested in attending therapy/counseling sessions with you?
That might go a long, long way to really working out those specific issues you have as a mother / daughter team.
You can still have your own private sessions continue, but maybe bring your mom in at some point for several sessions in a row to help her deal with her own issues and relationship with you.
Or. you could even engage a different therapist to counsel you as mother-daughter... you don't need to see the same therapist, either. These are just a couple of options for really working this out; both of you healing, learning, and moving forward in a healthier relationship that can last a lifetime....

mikei777

I think youre extradordinary brave even revealing these things here.

We all want to change what hurts us....... we can do it on outer (with other people – talking about it ) and inner level ( our own reactions ) and both are important …

So talking about it - thats a good thing I d say.. I do not believe we can always talk in the perfect way ….all act like buddha or jesus Christ all the time .. we try but to really expect that .but perhaops slowly we can get better at it ...............
i get a lot inspiration Thich Nhat Hanh
Mindfulness of anger

If one has been protecting others who hurt one all your life by withholding the truth then the question is has that really helped them at all ?

One could dialogue about this for hours because these situations are complex threads

While you asked for advice – it seemed to me that you already know the best ways and likeest of us here, discovering it and watching it evolve daily too

For myself I did find much of therapy I had did not emphasis compassion enough ..I recently read some developments in a new field COMPASSION BASED THERAPY

COMPASSION FOCUSED THERAPY

several; books on amazon in audio too - to one being in audio too
MINDFUL COMPASSION

forgive me if any of these seem unappropropriate ......all of this applies to me and im 58 so ...........i wish you continue your beautiful journey and never stop

karasti

In times of difficult conversations with my parents, it has always been that they asked questions and I answered them. There have been times I have declined to answer for any variety of answers. But I also believe that someone with the guts to ask questions should be prepared for the answer as well. Sometimes my kids ask questions and I respond with "remember, sometimes we ask questions we don't really want the answers to. Are you sure you want the answer?" To me, calling up someone and totally unloading on them as a matter of "I was sitting here thinking about how horrible of a parent you were" is different than if the person asks. But I get what you are saying @MaryAnne and I agree. Perhaps it would have been better to say "I was working on some of the relationships around me, including my relationship with you. Are you sure you want to talk about it?" Sometimes, when we say things that might be hurtful, they still need to be said even if we are gentle about it. But sometimes we say things that are hurtful and use them as a harpoon on purpose, so I think the important thing is to be mindful about your reasoning for saying what you are saying. You don't want to say something like "We talked about how you treat me badly" and then just walk away, leaving the person with the barb you just sunk into them.

footiam

dhammacitta said:

So I finally got to see a therapist yesterday and I went with my mom. Getting back home she asked what did I tell the therapist, and I said I told her everyone mistreats me, except for two of my cousins. Unfortunately, she started crying, she cried all the way home and later at home too. I explained it to her that I didn't mean that everyone was mean all the time, I said most of the people really break my heart sometimes, or most of the times, but not all the time. Her mistreating of me is probably the worst, she left the house for her boyfriend, and has been neglecting me ever since I was born, more now that she is in a relationship. I told her I wouldn't apologize because it was the truth, and I was the one being mistreated, people should apologize to me. But later I hugged and kissed because I couldn't stand to see her being so upset. But I didn't apologize. When she said goodbye to me, she said that even though she gets mixed up sometimes, she loves me. I smiled, but I didn't say anything, as I'm uncomfortable with affection. She seems mostly over it, but I'm left wondering if I did the right thing. She asked me something, I told her the truth. I guess I should have said something else that I said instead of that. But in anyway, should I apologize?

People mistreat us just like we mistreat people. It looks like a long endless chain reaction unless one of us attempt to stop this act of mistreating. Would you prefer to stop it yourself or let others who probably are ignorant, not as kind, not as smart, in short, not as good as you, to stop this process?