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Learning to love one self
Woah93
Veteran
So I have been trying to kick the habit of wanting to escape sobriety. It's been a realization of mine that in daily life there is a constant discontentment with the way things are and the way I am as a person, which leads to wanting to be on something a lot of the time. I just love to be out of it for some reason on drugs or what ever. It's like I need some stimulation to be satisfied with life...
Of course I realize this state of mind can be extremely self-destructive in the long run and it's something I really want to change or this "craving" might eventually kill me in the future.
Anyway I was thinking metta meditation might help with this? Learning to have some compassion for myself and accepting who I am without needing anything to enhance my consciousness.
Anyway where to start? What is the difference with normal meditation and can anyone recommend some guided ones for beginners?
Of course I realize this state of mind can be extremely self-destructive in the long run and it's something I really want to change or this "craving" might eventually kill me in the future.
Anyway I was thinking metta meditation might help with this? Learning to have some compassion for myself and accepting who I am without needing anything to enhance my consciousness.
Anyway where to start? What is the difference with normal meditation and can anyone recommend some guided ones for beginners?
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Comments
Meditation will certainly help you. There are different kinds of meditation depending on which Buddhist group (or even non-Buddhist group) you adhere to. But don't get too hung up about that. The aim is to realise your true nature which is vast and eternal. Regular meditation will bring you greater peace and joy than alcohol and drugs, and will help you liberate yourself from the attachments which cause suffering.
Good luck with it!
They do a free meditation course. The last meditation involves a bottle of wine - yep really.
http://arobuddhism.org/content/view/38/
http://www.self-compassion.org/
Best of luck!
Do you carry a lot of guilt for things you have done to others in the past? Or anger about things done to you?
If you can start to deal with these things you may find you can start to forgive yourself and others. This is where a psychiatrist or psychologist may be able to help.
I do have a good environment, good friends and a great hobby but in terms of avoiding getting high it's my worst enemy. I DJ techno in clubs and all my friends are involved in that scene and substances are everywhere. I also create a lot of music in my spare time and creativity wise I do have a certain amount of pressure from labels to make a release so it isn't really easy on me...
It's interesting that you say that you are not bothered by what others do? My experience with perfectionists (I seem to be surrounded by them!!) is that they also set high standards for those around them. Everyone's different though.
Bear in mind it may be the use of drugs that is causing your sense of dissatisfaction.
You know it, your best friend 'the enemy' knows it. You are just your everyday ignorant drug taking shithead [a technical term but hey! you know that!] Anything else you want to hear? I would do puja and prayers for you but why waste both of our efforts?
Having a good time? You think? Do you love it? If so party on . . . :rockon:
You probably do OK for money. Arrange a perfect retreat if you are serious.
http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/4959/buddhism-and-music
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=www.ocu&hl=en
I wanted my kidney surgeon to be a perfectionist.
I wanted my cardiologist to be a perfectionist.
I'd say some of the people on this forum are perfectionists in their practice.
My wife tells me of times where she left the supermarket with her mum empty handed and her mum would be in tears because she couldn't decide what to buy for dinner that night! That is obviously an extreme case.
Anyway, I have gone waaaaaay off topic. This is something close to my heart though.
I'm a member of A.A. and the emphasis of a 12 Step program is on helping 'the still suffering alcoholic'.
A good book is:
http://www.amazon.com/The-12-Step-Buddhist-Recovery-Addiction/dp/1582702233
Written by a recovered alcoholic drug addict and a serious Buddhist practitioner.
I often read stuff that says 'be like this', but I just can't transmogrify myself by thought alone; I really need a method. For example I need to do this, this, and this, and the result is an acceptance of others. I can't force acceptance; God knows I've tried hard enough. Acceptance is something that comes; sometimes it takes time, but I'm not patient; I like a method.
It's why I'm a huge fan of the 12 Steps; it provides a simple (but not easy) method for people like me, who're often greatly confused. And if you look past the 'white, middle class, American, Christian' language, the method is very 'Buddhist' too.
My advice is that if we're suffering with some gross problem is to find a bunch of other folk who've suffered with the same thing, and find out what they did to recover from that hopeless state of mind and body that gets us back to drinking and drugging.
Non alcoholics/addicts; no matter how intelligent, well read and well meaning - they may understand some of our problems - but they will never truly know what it's like to be an alcoholic or an addict; or both.
Also want to clarify I don't regularly take drugs or alcohol at all, but it's a craving I feel and it worries me, I think theres a high risk of it BECOMING a regular thing down the road if I don't deal with this "desire" to be stimulated from something... I hope you some of you know the feeling I'm talking about
Think about the qualities you value in others. Do you like people who are kind to you or who are mean to you? Do you like people who are generous or selfish? Do you like people who support and encourage you or people who put you down? Now, think about how you treat those who are good to you... I'm guessing you treat them well back, yeah? Which enhances their life and their happiness. If one of your friends is feeling down then you'll support them, if they are short on money you'll buy them some food, if they are feeling bored you'll hang out with them.
Do you see how this giving of love to one another enhances everyones lives? Do you see that the more love you give, the kinder you are, the more compassion you express, the more understanding you are, then the more of all of this you will get back? Think about how all of that love given out and received back will enhance and benefit your life. Think about all the people who will watch out for you, care for you, support you, give you opportunities, help you out, pick you up etc. etc. This basic positive human interaction is the key to your happiness.
BUT, as you pointed out, there are problems that litter this path. This is why Buddhism emphasises compassion AND wisdom. It is no good for us to simply go around trying to please everyone and make everyone like us. For one thing, that isn't actually you loving them, because your efforts are for your gain, not theirs. For another, love isn't as simple as just trying to please others. However, wisdom is easily acquired... How? Through walking the path! Get out there and start loving people. You'll make mistakes, but that's okay! Just stay open to lessons, be humble when mistakes are made, and be ready to grow as and when growth is available to you... which is pretty much always. It's just like learning anything. If you want to be a great chef then sure, you can read books, you can sit and reflect on recipes, but at some point the only way to be a great chef is to start working with the food. Mistakes will be made, cakes will be flat, steaks will be burnt, and so on, but through these mistakes, through walking this path, you will learn. Don't overcomplicate this. You have a heart. Use it! It won't lead you astray.
A large part of being social animals involves conforming to society. We are brought up to behave in certain ways, to have certain opinions and do certain things, to be accepted in the group. This means having to constantly watch ourselves, criticise our every thought and deed. If people don't like me I wonder what I have done wrong, what I can change in my behaviour to be liked. And so I change this or that, and maybe it works but maybe it doesn't. And there I am, still stuck with my feelings of inadequacy, wondering what is wrong with me. How much of our lives do we waste on this kind of thinking? And even if I do finally hit the jackpot and people seem to like me, I may briefly feel better about myself. But then someone having a bad day shouts at me and I'm back to square one, feeling wracked with doubt and anxiety. It's a futile exercise because at the end of the day I still don't really like myself whatever others think.
Through meditation the Buddha discovered that this state of "suffering" can be ended. Eckhart Tolle tells a story about a beggar sitting on a box. He is constantly asking people for what he needs when all the time the box beneath him is full of riches beyond his wildest dreams. This is what we are like, always looking outwards for the solution to our suffering when what we really need to do is look inside.
edit:
@ Poptart
Yes when I meditate all of these issues generally fade, and I do feel content, no matter what state I am in I do realize most of the insecurity's in daily life are bullshit, but when I'm not meditating it all comes flushing back and it's just a struggle really, I seem to have a hard time incorporating my meditative way of being into daily life, and I have been doing a formal sitting practice 15-30 minutes a day for a couple of months now. Sometimes I do have moments during the day that I suddenly snap out of my thoughts and become "awake" but these seem much more rare then I would like
If you do not love yourself but you love others, then you are a martyr heading for a world of disappointment and resentment. Any time you place your destiny in the hands of others, disappointment is not far behind.
Being compassionate is not something you do to others, it is a way of being in the world. Being compassionate has to include yourself. Most people find it easy to be kind to others, but we as a culture are very hard on ourselves. People who are hard on themselves, are hard on others. Sooner or later, it turns out this way. Just take a look at how a parent who has always put the kids first, feels when the kids don't show any appreciation. You want to see resentment and negativity? So the kindness they showed their kids was completely conditional. They are not really kind and loving, it did not come from the heart. It came from a sense of duty or belief that they have to in order to be a good parent. If they would love themselves and their kids equally, then I believe they do so because of love, not because of external approval. And when the kids do disappoint, they can be forgiving and not resentful. They cut their kids a break, like they do themselves.
Also, when people hold themselves to a very high standard, (no failures, high high achievements, etc.), they pass it on to their kids. If they treat themselves with no tolerance for anything less than perfection, they hold their kids to the same standard and if they do not measure up, then you get the judgments and condemnation. No freedom to be an individual.
I find, given the propensity in Western society for self destruction, that a person is better served to find compassionate living when they start with themselves.
By helping others what happens is that we change our self concept of ourselves; happiness comes from within; you've heard that? By practising compassion we see ourselves as a worthwhile person; someone who has value; someone who is kind and caring. It really doesn't matter if we actually do help someone - I'm always helping alkies who drink again (I take the right actions but don't worry too much about the results) - the point is that my actions are fuelled by a compassionate desire.
We've a phrase in A.A. called 'faking it till you make it'. Fake compassion if you must, but go and help someone - make yourself useful. Don't be daft about it; don't run yourself into the ground and suffer with compassionate fatigue (I've done this). If you're tired, rest. If you need time to go to the pictures and watch a film - you can do this - but you can do it with a compassionate intention that for you to be compassionate to others, you must also look after yourself.
And remember, all this stuff is testable. If you think you can just sit on a mat and think yourself happy - or recite "I love myself" again and again in front of a mirror, and it'll work, try it. But my experience is that I only started liking myself when I started being of service to others.
The reason why I don't call myself a Buddhist is because I don't think it would help anyone if I did. Indeed, alkies who don't know anything about Buddhism may even think I'm weird which may prevent me from helping them. I therefore call myself a 'recovered alcoholic' and a member of A.A. purely because - for me - that's where I'm of use to others.
I explained this to a monk, citing it as the reason for not continuing with my Buddhist studies; he said people in A.A. were 'front line Boddhisatvas'; my ego really liked that.
Join us on the firing line; test it for yourself.
We alcoholics are good teachers!
1. Ethical life
2. The cultivation of wisdom (meditation fits in here)
3. The practise of compassion
We need to live an ethical life (whatever that means to us as an individual) to find the peace to be able to meditate.
I tried mindfulness and meditation when I first arrived in A.A. (I developed an interest in Buddhism at the same time). It didn't work. It's tough to be mindful when you're dragging around 20 years worth of resentments with you and you're racked with guilt, shame and remorse while getting hounded by bailiffs chasing you for money.
My point is that there's more to the ending of suffering than just meditation; and I'm sure the Buddha didn't start teaching anyone new meditation straight away - for some very good practical reasons, just like in a 12 Step program meditation is at Step 11, not Step 1.
One thing that did help me in my early sober days - straight away - was helping other alcoholics. It took my mind off my problems for a while and gave me a break from them. And eventually, as I cleaned up my past and began developing a manner of living in accordance with living an ethical life (whatever that means to me), I found enough peace of mind to enable me to be able to begin a meditation practise.
Just my experience.
Finding out what stops you manifesting love (to anything) is the question that has been helpful to me in allowing love to manifest anywhere.
Can I ask what answers you found to your question?
1. ethical life including the practise of compassion
2. The cultivation of wisdom
3. taming the mind or concentration or samadhi
1: right action, right speech, right livelyhood
2: right view, right intention
3: right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration
"I'd suggest volunteering at a local service. Maybe one that works with addicts, or the mentally ill, or with learning difficulties, or the homeless, whatever and whoever floats your boat. I volunteered with recovering addicts for a few years and it did me wonders. It showed me that who I was was not at all bad and that others had done far worse in their lives than I had and have far bigger issues to deal with (perspective), and it showed me that I had a lot to offer these people as working with them brought all my compassion and love and kindness to the surface. Putting yourself in a situation where your goodness is needed minute after minute all day long is what will transform you. Doing the odd good act - whilst nice - isn't going to transform your self perception. You need to see how much goodness there is in you. You'll do that by consistently being around people who need that goodness."
The problem is, you are comparing yourself with these people. It requires judgement and comparison. I don't mean to be ignorant, but it is patronizing. For true compassion, is there room for patronizing?
The Sufis says that "the apparent is the bridge to the real," i.e. by experiencing the objects of the world, we may pass through them to get at the Absolute.
:wave:
I respect the fact that mindatrisk cares for others. We need more people like that.
When you work with people though, they appreciate feeling as if they are not judged. Even if they have made mistakes, they need to get over feeling they are "bad".
@Tosh
I now think that real love is just the absense of identity. My meager proof of this is that in whatever areas I've been able to let go of my investments in my own identity, love, unbidden, has replaced it.
I have not intentionally tried to create love in this way, rather have found that by deliberately not energizing my habituated responses to phenomena, a veil that formally obscured love's presence is dropped.
I guess I believe that the ego is that veil.
In fact, a well known researcher named Brene Brown states that in every mental health disorder except for one (psychopathy), shame does more damage than good.
The place I actually began to look at love of self as an important component of health, was Buddhism. In fact, a basic attraction Buddhism holds for me, is an absence of duality. In the west, we have been raised on shame or guilt, but the Dalai Lama was completely surprised when he found out people think this way in the West. He did not understand the concept.
The west is finally beginning to study the whole idea behind self-compassion and it has proven to be extremely effective in treating mental illness.
Basically, the concept is, feel and accept your shame or guilt, but act for all beings best interests, including yourself. To be caring, gentle and nurturing.
Shame and guilt create cortisol and adrenalin, and they create fear, anxiety, anger and the like. These levels are high in depressed people. They are basic to fight or flight. Self care induces oxytocin and opiates, the feel good hormones. They are correlated with motivation, happiness and feelings of well-being.
Are there any Buddhist teachings that suggest "you should be ashamed"? Maybe there are but I have never really come across any. I am sure some of you will enlighten me.
Putting it like this, I think the answer is obvious.
But this Saturday I'm off to an A.A. conference - an all day affair - there'll be a few hundred alcoholics there and my job is selling raffle tickets with another guy who joined me at last years conference; this other guy is called Michael and he was two days sober then. He asked me to be his A.A. sponsor and I agreed, but from now until Christmas Eve last year he'd wake up in a police cell and had two trips to the hospital by ambulance; he was only 26 years old. He'd spent a period of time living on the streets, he can't read or write and he was just a mess.
His last drink was on Christmas Eve and he spent Christmas day alone and feeling like death and utterly miserable.
So this morning I woke up thinking about all the achievements he's made this year; he's went through the 12 Steps, he stayed away from drink and drugs, he's stopped smoking, he's stopped taking his sleeping medication (Zopiclone (the street name for this drug is 'charge sheet'); powerful stuff and rarely given out these days); he's even started running with me and completed a half marathon. This was a huge deal for a guy who thinks he has achieved very little in his life; and he continues to run. He's happier, more peaceful, and I've just loved watching this guy's struggle with alcohol, stopping drinking, progressing through the Steps, and watching him change.
He does service and helps other alcoholics. I wonder if any of you guys have experienced the pleasure you can get by watching a guy who you've helped get sober then start helping others get sober? It's lump in the throat time. I love the guy; I'm really looking forward to his sobriety birthday on 24th December.
For myself, waking up thinking about Michael was a far happier affair than waking up thinking only about myself.
The thing about Buddhist teachings is that we can test them and judge the results for ourselves. Has the practise of compassion made me happier? Definitely.
My name is Tosh and I'm an oxytocin addict.
I was gonna write about the effects of giving up coffee . . .
Give my best to Michael. Outstanding inspiration. Sounds like the kind of inspiring Buddha potential we need . . . :clap:
My name is Crusty and I am a circus freak and meditation addict. :wave:
He's also telling me that members of his family are coming to him with their problems now; either looking for advice or someone to talk to. If you knew Michael when he was drinking, that's amazing stuff.
I've other stories, but I'll not bore on.
The thing about Buddhist teachings is that we can test them and judge the results for ourselves. Has the practise of compassion made me happier? Definitely.
My name is Tosh and I'm an oxytocin addict.
Testing them and judging the results would be reasearch. A Buddhist psychologist by the name of Kristin Neff is a researcher who has spent over 10 years of research studying the benefit of self-compassion. She feels people heal without having to wear a hair shirt, simply by loving themselves. She has also healed many people.
Another researcher, by the name of Brene Brown, a social worker spent 18 years researching in this area of shame, and she calls the shame we bring upon ourselves an epidemic. She too, is well known for her ability to help people get better.
And the Dalai Lama himself suggests that we in the West are too hard on ourselves. I am sure he has tested his beliefs as well. He too has helped a few people.
With all of this shame around, it is little wonder the drug companies are able to be so prolific in our society. They don't seem to have the same success in countries like Thailand where the population is 95% Buddhist, and the people are said to be much happier than we in the west. And isn't it interesting in a country like Japan where shame is practically a national pasttime, the suicide rates are so high.
Alcoholism or addiction are highly correlated with shame. The belief that something that got someone into an addiction, is the only way out, is curious. If a person truly loved themselves, and cared about what happened to them, would they even get addicted?
And what about eating disorders? They have an extremely high shame component to them. Do you suggest that anorexics need to shame themselves in order to overcome it? The research would suggest that is the last thing they need.
And I'm not sure what your point is about why people get addicted; it's not a choice - it's just something that happens. Trying to work out why I'm an alcoholic is basically an imponderable (it reminds me of Buddhism's stance towards the existential questions); we basically admit we've a problem and work on the solution. We don't need to understand why we're alcoholics, we only need to know how to recover from our alcoholism; just like in the Arrow sutra, we don't need to understand why we're here, only how to find release from suffering.
Anyway, I'm not even sure what it means to want to 'love yourself'. I just want to be happy and avoid pain and suffering; isn't that the same thing? My experience is that practising compassion for others helps with that.
What's your experience?
To love yourself under those circumstances, can be as simple as comforting yourself. So me with my pot belly, I will focus on something I appreciate about myself. Or I may say something like "hey man, that belly is doing me a favor. If I didn't have that belly, I would probably really eat badly and end up dead at a too young age. Thanks to belly fat, I am more cautious."
I work with people who have a lot of mental health issues all over the map, and getting them to let go of shame and appreciate themselves, is a real boon to mental health. It is surprising how many people feel they need to feel shame to improve. That is the way we have been raised in the west. People do better, and are more motivated when they feel good about themselves/
I should also add, the problem with comparing ourselves to others, sets us up to feel superior or inferior. Either of those extremes can also be issues for mental health.