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We fear being alone
betaboy
Veteran
Not aloneness in the physical sense but being mentally alone in the sense that you're not occupied with anything. In short, we are afraid of doing nothing, simply being.
The question is, Why?
My theory is that for millions of years, our ancestors have lived together to protect one another from predators - so being with someone/something has become part of who we are. It must have been unthinkable to be alone, physically. Later on the physical 'spilled over' to the psychological - and it has now become unthinkable to be alone, mentally also.
That's why we can't just sit down and do nothing, although zen continues to harp on that. We become uneasy and restless because subconsciously we feel we're going to be attacked if alone, that we will be unprotected if alone (even though the modern world may provide relative safety and hence little probability of any actual danger).
So my point is, even when it comes to psychological aloneness the cause could be physical/historical.
The question is, Why?
My theory is that for millions of years, our ancestors have lived together to protect one another from predators - so being with someone/something has become part of who we are. It must have been unthinkable to be alone, physically. Later on the physical 'spilled over' to the psychological - and it has now become unthinkable to be alone, mentally also.
That's why we can't just sit down and do nothing, although zen continues to harp on that. We become uneasy and restless because subconsciously we feel we're going to be attacked if alone, that we will be unprotected if alone (even though the modern world may provide relative safety and hence little probability of any actual danger).
So my point is, even when it comes to psychological aloneness the cause could be physical/historical.
2
Comments
Perhaps my sensitivity on the matter comes from my inability to relate to the 'we' that seems to include myself as well.
Perhaps my sensitivity on the matter comes from my inability to relate to the 'we' that seems to include myself as well.
We means most of humanity, if not all of them entirely.
My amateur psychology says it must be because the process of communicating is essential for shaping and maintaining our ego; the ideas and attitudes we cherish and identify with.
But I think all our certainties rely on getting confirmation from our social environment. When our minds are left in isolation they go berserk.
I think that’s a good reason for not doing long meditations on our own. A week (and longer) of meditation is potentially harmful for our mental wellbeing. We rock the boat. We need to be in a protected environment with someone around that we can talk to when we do that. At least that’s true for the first couple of times.
Also I think the integrity of the teacher matters a lot when we put ourselves in such a psychologically vulnerable position.
The first time that happened to me was a shock. But the teacher assured me that most people have such a “crisis” after two or three days; that It will pass. And it does sort of.
It is weird that in a group of motivated people, who are doing the same thing, after some days many of them lose touch with their motivation. It must be due to the lack of communication.
You can’t imagine how important one friendly wink or a minimal pat on the shoulder for encouragement can be when you’re there.
I'm sorry, @Betaboy, but I have to publicly take myself out of your presumptuous "Royal We" stuff.
I wish you'd limit your 'deep-thinking' spiritual examinations of human flaws to the ones you have,
and stop assuming you and I (or all of us) are exactly alike.
I don't fear being alone, I am not depressed, I don't find the world full of woe and disappointment, I don't question my Path, I don't feel I'm unlovable or lacking compassion, trapped by desires, or worry constantly about doing things 'right' or any of the other Debbie Downer issues you've been 'asking' about ....
Why not talk about you, honestly and openly, and drop this collective "we" nonsense.
It's starting to get a little irritating.
@Betaboy
Are you sure this would include most of humanity? Unthinkable is quite a grandiose term. Maybe you did not mean it literally. I would think an average person can think about being alone both mentally and physically without much anguish. I know being physically alone is a cakewalk for me, and has been from a pretty young age. I'm not so much "uneasy" or "restless" as I am lethargic when alone in body & mind. Too much peace, not enough awareness perhaps? I would think most buddhists have moderate success at this from time to time, especially if they have been practicing for years. When I've felt restless it was due to impatience, and with it never came a sense of uneasiness. I'm not sure I understand your theory behind those feelings though, you are saying that anyone who has tried to 'just sit' meditation subconsciously feels as if they are going to be attacked when they feel uneasy/restless?
I want to clarify that I did not read your first comment in the thread, nor any others, before I responded to the OP. Sometimes I do that... just read the OP and then reply. (Sometimes it would be better to read everything first, sometimes it doesn't matter much).
It turns out we made similar comments
Who will listen to me if I just tell my story or express my opinion without craving someone else's assent or support? "I" don't have as much clout as "we" or "one." "I" too would like to be important, to be noticed, to be accepted and perhaps loved ... but I am afraid no one will hear or care if I just say "I." "I" may be the fact, but "I" prefer the fancies.
I definitely feel restless if I am unoccupied for too long. Not for want of company.
If it's some kind of evolutionary conditioning, it's more likely anxiety about not getting enough done. We have always had to work hard to survive.
A cave man was afraid to be alone in case his wife found him slacking off.
Thanks for all the replies. My objective was to understand the present in terms of the past - evolutionary psychology. That was what I was getting at. And of course, the word 'we' is relevant because we have all evolved along similar lines over a long period of time. Many things are common to all of us.
I don't think it is necessarily evolutionary, though and even if it were, knowing that wouldn't really help anybody. The question why is better answered with the Buddhist answer: attachment. The reason we do so much (mentally) is that we are attached to doing. The fear is that we stop doing we will not matter or we will not exist. In a way it is a fear of death. In a way this doing is what creates our suffering. (Yes, I'm using 'we')
That's why we can't just sit down and do nothing, although zen continues to harp on that. We become uneasy and restless because subconsciously we feel we're going to be attacked if alone, that we will be unprotected if alone (even though the modern world may provide relative safety and hence little probability of any actual danger).
Who knows..but...
You could just as easily say that when we (historically) had nothing to do, it meant that we were safe enough from having to be wary of predators, filled with enough sustenance to not need to look for food and sheltered enough from the elements to not to need to work. In otherwords, having nothing to do could just as easily represent positive things.
I do not see any contradiction with Buddhist practice here either. It is beneficial to take breaks and investigate the minds, but we do not do that type of formal practice all the time. Such investigation only makes sense if we take it's fruit "out there" and express what we learned to benefit the life around us.
And he's right. Any good psychologist will tell you we are social animals driven to finding and bonding to tribal groups and any mental health official will tell you being alone...having nobody who cares if you live or die...does bad things to people. And one can feel desperately alone while surrounded by crowds. Being alone means having no human connection. A beggar sitting on a curb is alone even though multitudes walk past him.
In my work years ago for a suicide prevention hotline we were taught and I observed that the one common factor the callers would have would be a complaint about being alone and having nobody care.
As for meditation, for those who have never tried it, there is no lonelier place than a zazen hall. You're not there to be part of a group or encourage each other. The other meditators become invisible and it's just you and the cushion and your own mind, in a solitary struggle to get through the hours. In a recent thread about a woman who completed twelve years of "solitary" meditation, I noticed in the interview when asked if she was lonely, she said the daily appearance of food and occasional letters made her feel like she was part of a team. Her mind settled on that to provide the need not to be alone. She wasn't alone even though she never saw the people providing care. She had an entire sangha who cared about her, and she knew it.
I wouldn't say we fear being alone. We're motivated by the conflicting desires for privacy and to not be alone at the same time. It's why our desires can never be quenched. Many of them conflict so getting one means not getting the other.
So the question is not doing away with occupation - just choosing the right occupation so that we can avoid extremes.
Isn't that so?
In "choosing" something to occupy us, the object we choose is, in itself, an extreme. If we are choosing we are being presented with two "choices". We have one thing or another. One is right and the other wrong. This is classic dualism. When we no longer choose, when there is no right or wrong to choose from, then we have "right occupation".
Both the category of the thread, and the context of @Jayantha 's post...
BANTER:
transitive verb
1: to speak to or address in a witty and teasing manner
2: archaic : delude
3: to speak or act playfully or wittily
These days if im in the middle of the woods alone at night and fear of aliens, bigfoot, or mountain lions comes into my mind, i recognize fear for what it is and give metta to them all, abiding in peace.
Metta is the answer, what is the question?
Also there is a craving or thirst for stimulus. This is one of the purposes of meditation to show you that tanha, thirst.