Pretending to be normal?

betaboy

I recall having a conversation with a friend of mine a few years ago. We were talking about the economy, human condition, etc. etc. I don't know why, but suddenly my friend bluntly said that he hated humanity and that he was merely pretending to fit in. I was shocked because he always seemed like a guy made for this world - great smile, jovial, everybody loved and trusted him, good job, hot wife, etc. He seemed to be worldly in every possible way.

However, he denied it and said he hated people in general, never liked or trusted anyone. But since he had to live in this world, he thought he could make the most of it by fitting in. How to fit in? Act. That was his philosophy. Act like a nice person, act like you love your job, act like you love people, etc. etc. That way, you fit in even though you know you're not made for this world.

Now the question is, is this guy a sociopath or is he merely conflicted? Is he wrong to suppress his contempt for people and in fact pretend to do the opposite, that is, to love them? Or is this okay because, as he says, it is for practicality's sake, and not with any harmful intent?

Jeffrey

Well it's good not to be angry at everybody and create bad karma. So that part is good. But he needs mind training to let go of his delusions about how to live life. He must have layer and layer of delusion. Recommend the lojong teachings. Pema Chodron wrote a heartful book called Start Where You Are

how

@betaboy
What some call a friend, others might call a mirror.

misecmisc1

well, if currently your friend is behaving kindly to others, then it is good - but the problem is if this condition of suppressing the actual condition of inside feeling negativity with a good looking artificial outfit, can be harmful for your friend, as there may be an instance in future, in which your friend may have a huge burst of negativity from inside him, like a lava outbursting from a volcano. so talk to your friend, try to make his view right and ask him to gradually work on reducing his negativity and finally eliminating his negativity. ask him to be patient while he shall be working on reducing his negativity, as it may take sufficiently long time, than your friend might think initially.

metta to you and all sentient beings.

wangchuey

You friend is hiding his fears by acting. Acting is not a skillful action. He needs to meditate and face his fears. All that exists is subject to change and dukkha. We have no control over some things. Fearing it would be pointless.

robot

People say a lot of things.

betaboy

Thanks, everyone. I understand but my question is: is this (acting) better than expressing hateful feelings and hurting a lot of people on that basis? Plus, isn't this also like metta meditation or lojong - you keep on acting until it becomes real enough - kind of like fake it till you make it?

robot

If we all expressed our hateful or angry or sarcastic or horney or practically any feelings all the time, we would be in a fine mess. Chaos.

jae

'That's another fine mess you've gotten me into Stanley' (ruffles tie)... Laurel and Hardy Quote....@betaboy, is his name Stanley?

Dakini

betaboy said:

Thanks, everyone. I understand but my question is: is this (acting) better than expressing hateful feelings and hurting a lot of people on that basis? Plus, isn't this also like metta meditation or lojong - you keep on acting until it becomes real enough - kind of like fake it till you make it?

In his case, acting is better than being genuine. But what's better still would be for him to get into therapy ASAP before he blows like the powderkeg he says he is. Acting is only a temporary solution to a situation like that.

how

If a method actor never comes out of his role, is he really an actor? Is it an act?

If I always act as a worldly man, but claim to a friend that I am secretly the Buddha, does that make me spiritual?

If ones intent is always friendliness, one manifests friendliness and it is received as friendliness, then is the claimed fraud the friendliness or the hostile nature.

AAAARRRRGGGGGGG.
Betaboy wins again!

genkaku

Everyone's in the same boat, I imagine -- pretending right up until the moment when they stop pretending.

Hamsaka

Your 'friend' sounds terrified of other people, and the disdain and hostility is just a cover up. It's very sad, and I can say I've felt the same way. We are more dangerous to each other than any virus or act of God. What helped me was to finally understand (and more importantly, FEEL) that we all want the same thing, down beneath the hot wife and great career and gads of money in the bank. We want happiness, we want belonging, we want to feel safe in this cosmos, and we want to love and be loved. We are not 'different' separate entities beneath all the trappings, we all share the same earnest yearnings toward wholeness no matter the appearance or how we go about getting it.

Your 'friend' feels vulnerable and thinks it's other people's fault that he does. We are vulnerable, every single one of us. Once your 'friend' sees through this facade the fear will begin to dissolve and the pretense of decency and politeness will pour out genuinely.

DairyLama

"Hell is other people"

Jean Paul Sartre, from "In Camera"

poptart

We all like to think we are true to ourselves, but society does demand that we "play the game". This is the price we pay for communal living. Society would fall apart unless people played these roles. Imagine the chaos if everyone did what they wanted, followed every mood or whim. I may feel cranky but if I am rude to my boss I know I will lose my job. So to a certain extent we are all pretending at least some of the time.

But if the pretending is at the extreme opposite to what you are feeling most of the time then I think you have a serious problem. You need to deal with these underlying feelings of aversion. It isn't healthy to live a lie and eventually something will snap.