reflections on cussing
genkaku
Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
Tooting my own horn a bit, and for a little fun, perhaps, here is a column on cussing that appeared in the local newspaper today:
Adam Fisher: One of mom’s lessons he’ll swear by
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
(Published in print: Wednesday, March 19, 2014)
NORTHAMPTON — On TV the other night, a stand-up comedian was camouflaging his lack of comedic material with liberal doses of cuss words when it occurred to me how far cussing had come in my lifetime.
Certainly usage and acceptance on radio, TV and the Internet had risen from what I will refrain from calling “the good old days” of the late 1940s. But had it really advanced or had the music gone out of it? I didn’t really know, but I remembered ...
• The first time I came home from grade school and used a dirty word in front of my mother, she was ready for me. My second-grade peers had reported their own homegrown results in this realm and those results weren’t pleasant, ranging from a verbal harangue to a spanking to an intimate knowledge of what Ivory soap tasted like.
My mother, however, was a pretty good writer in her time. Language was her garden and there were no weeds in it. Good and bad, naughty and nice weren’t so much the point when it came to language. Language was music and there were no bad notes. But there was the matter of skill and it was in this regard that she greeted my use of what these days is referred to as “the f-bomb.”
She sat me down ... uh-oh!
Something serious was afoot, though I didn’t see any soap in her hand.
And then very quietly and very patiently she went through all of the dirty words and their compounds. There were religious meanings, literal meanings, metaphorical meanings and physiological meanings. My mother didn’t overlook any of them and did not spare my eeeeuuuuuewww embarrassment when it came to the physiology part ... girls and boys did that???!!!
My mother gave me both barrels and then laid down the law:
I could use the words among my friends.
I could use the words in front of her.
But I could not use the words in front of her friends.
These were rules even a second-grader could grasp.
But as with all initial rules and original teachings, there were refinements to learn, both mentally and socially, as the years passed.
• It was at 16 that I got my most refined lesson in cussing. I had a summer job picking up trash. The guy who drove the truck was a young man who had graduated from high school, landed his job and had a new baby he adored. He had a pleasant disposition and I felt comfortable with him.
But like a lot of 16-year-olds I had gotten into the habit of using the f-bomb. It sounded — you know — grown-up. But one day, my companion turned to me and said in the friendliest possible fashion, “You know, if you don’t know how to use that word, I wish you wouldn’t.”
I was gob-smacked. It wasn’t as if he didn’t use the word. He did. With regularity. But he obviously wanted to lend me a hand.
I hardly knew how to respond, so I just began listening to him talk. And as I listened, I realized he was right: There was a music to language and he knew the music where I only knew the notes.
• After I got out of the Army, where cussing was a norm, I came home and conceived an interest in Zen Buddhism, a practice that includes a suggestion about “right speech.” And one day I announced to my mother off-handedly that I had decided to give up cussing.
She looked at me with an honest shock. “Oh please don’t do that,” she said. “I wouldn’t know who you are!” It was nuts from where she sat. And as I thought about it, it was nuts from where I sat. And so, as it turned out, I gave up trying to give up cussing.
• When my sons were both at about the age when I had first received my mother’s counsel, they were as delighted as I had been with cuss words. But one day, driving home with them, I had enough. I stopped the car on a deserted road out behind the fairgrounds here in Northampton. And I offered them a challenge: For one minute — not more and not less — they would scream out every dirty word they could think of. No quitting allowed. One minute. They looked delighted. And as I restarted the drive home, I shouted, “Go!” They let loose with gusto.
But after 15 seconds, they ran out of steam. They faltered. “No!” I shouted in the spirit of the moment, “No quitting! Keep going!” And they tried. They tried hard, but the laughter and naughtiness and enthusiasm were spent. Twice more I encouraged them and twice more they complied with diminishing vigor. They never did cross the one-minute mark.
In later times, I would treat my sons to bits and pieces of what my mother had given me in a single sitting. They too learned some of the skills that go with the music of language. No doubt they too will have experiences that refine their understanding.
All of which is OK with me.
As long as they don’t turn into second-rate comedians.
Adam Fisher lives in Northampton. His column appears on the third Wednesday of the month. He can be reached at genkakukigen@aol.com.
Comments
Warning:
All ensuing cusses will be edited.
LOL. Reminded me of when I was still vice-principal, and my colleague would often tell kids sent to the office for using the f-word that, "Adults never use that kind of language." Oh, really??? I, on the other hand, would tell kids that there's a time and place for all kinds of language, but in school was not the time and place. At least they saw my perspective, while they laughed at hers, many saying they learned the word -- and others -- from adults.
I was a little surprised on this forum where I was chided for criticizing someone else's cussing. Just seemed out of place in a religious forum.
I don't think that can have been me.
I too think 'cussing' has its place.
Hell, I use the odd highly-colourful expletive myself - but I aim to avoid it here, and seek to support others in avoiding it too...
Well heck, darn, shucks and drat!!!!!
I have no issue with someone mindfully cussing. Mindless cussing however usually sounds like an imitative approach to Tourette's.
Sounds like a disreputable Solicitor's/Lawyer's office....
@federica -- Good one!
No, it wasn't you. And I fully agree...there is a time and place.
There's no need to try to give up cussing, but it almost always indicates a hostile state of mind, so it's a useful indicator that something's off course.
We don't swear a lot, but on occasion. We make up funny words to replace what would be more swear words, it takes the anger out of situations and makes them silly. But the older kids especially (11 and 17) know there is a time and place for it. They see kids who run around, cuss words every other word out of their mouths. They understood immediately when I asked them if the kids sounded intelligent, and they knew right away they didn't want to be perceived that way. I'm sure they swear around friends, I don't care. But I don't allow regular swearing in the house because their brother is 5 years old and he takes everything to preschool with him.
I enjoyed the article @genkaku
(This actually happened)
Last night was drying off from a shower when the towel caught on my hair brush and pulled it right off the counter - it landed on my big toe. My first initial impulse was to unleash a storm of swear words. I started with inarticulate gibberish that usually leads up to swearing when I remembered that this particular moment of suffering in my life would pass in just a few moments; I didn't need to meditate on it for years in order to release my "craving" of an uninjured toe!
It was going well - I made sure to feel my toe to make sure it wasn't broken or anything, and the pain receded quickly enough. I dried off and as I was leaving the bathroom I thought to myself "I handled that better than I normally do!"
Then I ruined it by saying "Man, that fricking hurt!"
Alas - so close.
so fricking close!
Luckily I find mantra helps me avoid swearing . . .
OM MAN PEME FUKYA HUM
Curse words can be no more ugly than non curse words.
I can cuss like a sailor, but have never and would never cuss at
someone or cuss them out. I don't reflect on my cussing bec I think about it ahead of time. My intention is always as an emphasis to the point to myself or a situation.
Also, who the person is. You don't do everything with everybody. Just how relationships work.
I don't agree that it's associated with intelligence. I know some refined, smart people that can be nasty as all get out....but people who say MF, can't do math, that would give you the shirt off their back, you know? Like everything else....there's a time and place.....and a how. Intention is the front end.
We all have our ways.....it's about learning to get along.......cussing is not that serious, if the intentions are done skilfully.
Oh...I also disagree that it indicates hostility. Can it? Yes. But so can a lot of things.....
Oh...I enjoyed the story....I always do about your Mother.
I told someone the other day....Dont get too holy by Tuesday...hahaha
Don't we love Mom's?
On the hostility vibe...as a young woman entering the business world, I remember being shocked that male managers (yes, always male) used profanity in public, even when speaking to a group. Looking back, I feel it was a type of male posturing in a competitive environment, and also served to enforce the "boy's club" atmosphere. It was the same era when drinking alcohol at lunch was A-OK....long gone now thank goodness.
For some reason this thread made me think of this scene from the Big Lebowski.
youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=efZQhYu1E5s#t=0
One of the features of right speech is gentleness. But it depends who you are with. If you are with kids or with a friend who is offended then that is harsh speech. But if you do it in front of the other construction workers it is not harsh to them.
I don't. I just don't. I am capable of expressing myself using whatever variety of words occur to me, I don't need to resort to rehashed hostile ones just to fit in.
Some let the circumstances dictate what language is appropriate or not, others have language rules. The intent and the consequences of the language spoken is what is important to me.
Bravo.
You might not need it. In the hell realms it is a form of affection. However you might not need to be affectionate to demons; each to their own song . . .
In the robot realm everyone does it. It's used for all kinds of expression. Positive and negative. Most people don't think anything of it, if it's used in moderation.
'Cussing ' is such an odd expression to my Brit ears.
Not to mine..... :scratch:
it's a variation on 'cursing'........
Just sayin'......