Afterlife and reuniting with my mother
I am deeply attached to my mother because I love her, I miss her, and she is my everything.
She recently passed away due to cancer at the age of 56. I used to and still believe Buddhism offers a lot of wisdom on how to live but I am deeply troubled by the fact Buddhism considered emotional attachment to be undesirable while enlightenment is the ultimate goal.
I do agree I am suffering a great deal due to not being deal with the fact that I wont get to see my mom in this lifetime, but I rather suffer and go through life and death over and over again if that means I can see my mother again.
Death doesn’t scare me, but the idea that I can’t ever see my mother again is worse than being dead.
So my question remains , does Buddhism believe I will see my mother again in another lifetime? I don't care if i am reincarnated as an animal if it means I can see my mom again.
My mom was a good person so I think she will do well. We are not deeply attached to any religions but we usually follow Buddhist philosophy, and we eat meats so I am not sure we will do "really well" in the next life or whatever it is that Buddhism believes. I just want to go where she is going, how do I do that?
I know nobody really knows or maybe some think they do, but I just want to hear your thoughts and opinions on this "ego driven" issue of mine. I admit it, i simply need to see my mom or i might as well kill myself. (not really , I wouldn't )
Comments
Yes, it is possible within Buddhism. But she will most likely not be recognizable as your mother, nor you recognizable as yourself from this lifetime enough to know you were so closely connected in this lifetime. There are probably people all around you in your life who you had karmic ties to in previous lives, but you don't know it now. Someone you dislike greatly in this life could have been someone very close to you in another life.
What exactly do you find troubling about the idea of not being attached to anyone/anything? It doesn't mean you don't love people. It doesn't mean you don't care for them, or have close, wonderful relationships with them. It means you recognize that those relationships, no matter how amazing or how horrible, are impermanent like anything else. It is the idea that we cling so much to things that we not only never want them to end, but cannot comprehend living without them that causes us the pain. To me, it means recognizing that no matter how much I love someone, they don't belong to me. Not even my children. They are on their own path, and for this time being, I am helping to guide them until they can take over the path entirely on their own. But they are not mine and their lives are as impermanent as the life of the houseplant that just died today and the snowflakes that melt today. For me, that helps me appreciate them even more. I can appreciate the little daily moments with all of them that much more understanding how temporary it all is. But I don't find pain in that. Actually, I find a lot of comfort in that. At least if something were to happen to them or to me tonight, I would know I appreciated the moments I had with them on an ongoing basis, even the ones deemed less pleasant.
I'm sorry you lost your mom and that you are hurting so much.
Heart connections are permanent, but the memories are lost.
My lama recommends at death to reflect on heart connections which go beyond birth and death.
Thanks for your response, Karasit. I figure that Buddhism doesn't believe memories can be transferred from one life to the next one. Well that's awful! I wonder if Buddhism believes my mom did something really wrong in her previous life that lead her to die of cancer at such a relatively young age. I think that is a horrible thing to contemplate..But anyways I am glad you are able to find comfort in your own way of thinking.
Will I see my mom when I die? will she at least greet me and welcome me to the next life? Does that mean she is already reborn as a baby somewhere? I heard it takes 49 days? it has been 30 some odd days since mom passed away. ugh. Buddhism is so grime to me , but I also don't believe in Jesus Christ.
sigh
Right now might not be the best time to contemplate such difficult things within religions/belief sets that you are not already set in. You might be better off finding a grief-related support group (there are all sorts, from those where you talk, to those where you express your feelings artistically, and so on) where you can simply talk about your feelings and what you are going through. I'm not sure processing such a difficult thing as death is best done in trying to understand it from the point of view of a belief that you don't already practice. It's very difficult. I have not lost my parents, but I have lost people close to me, including a man I had 2 children with and spent half my life with so I know the pain and challenge in working through it. I know right now, it feels impossible, but it really does get better. It doesn't go away. But it gets less raw.
And no, your mother dying of cancer does not mean she did something horrible in this or other lifetimes. Some things just happen to us.
I wish anyone could easily answer your questions about exactly what happens when we die, but none of us knows. In my beliefs, it is possible your mom has already, or will soon, take birth (but I don't know that post-death time is limited to our concept of time as we live it) elsewhere. She may even come into your life again before you die in this lifetime. But for now, you need to worry about taking care of yourself and your well being. Whatever means it takes for you to do that, is what you need to do. If religious beliefs are not what you need right now, that is ok. There is no reason to try to force it now if it has not been part of your life up until now. But take care of yourself.
@neverstoplovingmom
What do you think your mom would say to you right now about your current suffering?
You'll be gone too when you die so your pain is not permanent. Even in this life the pain of losing your mom will change from how it feels right now. I don't think it is healthy to think that some terrible accident or disease was someone's fault of their karma. I only use that when I, me, mine has a bad thing such as a disease. I say to myself that my mental illness is because of karma. There is a silver lining because if karma caused my disease then my dharma practice can start the path to abstaining from bad karma and creating good. Isn't that better than no karma at all? I am sure your mom created a lot of good karma. The advantage of karma existing is that we can start creating good karma. If there is no karma then everything happens with no rhyme or reason. Hitler could go to heaven and Mother Teresa be reborn as a mosquito!
Hi @neverstoplovingmom. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through right now.
I don't know a huge amount about Tibetan Buddhism however in a book called "Transform Your Life" by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso he talks of meeting his mother again when she was reborn a little girl in the UK.
I guess the only issue for you will be (according to Buddhism) your ability to actually recognise her as she won't have the same physical appearance she had when you knew her.
Take care.
I am very sorry that you are suffering right now. The Buddha said that if you share the same faith, generosity, moral discipline and wisdom as your mother, then you'll be together again in the next life.
Grief is ok in Buddhism. The thing to do is allow it to pass through you, then let it go. This will take time, it's normal.
The fact itself of your attachment to your mom will guarantee that you'll be reborn, and that the rebirth will be in close proximity to your mother, though she probably won't be your mother again, she could be any relative or close friend. You're attached to rebirth, so you won't reach enlightenment until you lose that attachment. It will come when you're ready.
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will she at least greet me and welcome me to the next life?
Does that mean she is already reborn as a baby somewhere? I heard it takes 49 days? it has been 30 some odd days since mom passed away. ugh. Buddhism is so grime to me , but I also don't believe in Jesus Christ.
Do you remember being greeted and welcomed by someone you once knew at the start of this life? Why should it be different if there is a next time?
Give yourself time to grieve. It takes time and support to come to terms with such a big change. Be kind to yourself and do your best. My condolences and best wishes for a speedy recovery.
You're sure to heal when you're ready - I try to keep in mind the many many generations before me that led to me, each with their own life, aims and dreams and here I am, my time is now, another chapter.
Sounds like you had a very close relationship, as at 56 you are finding it so hard to let go.
But I can't help but feel there is something else underlying this attachment to your mom.
I gave up my mum and dad, grandmother and grandfather many years ago, so can't comment. I don't feel the need to meet them again. I met them, and people part, even when closely related.
Perhaps, you might want to clarify why you feel the way you do? If the loss was in the last few days, I can understand your grief, and you have my warmest heartfelt sympathy.
Metta
I think her mom was 56 when she passed away (about a month ago), not that the OP is 56.
Thanks @karasti, after re-reading, that makes more sense now.
You are not alone. Your experience is a shared human experience. Question is - "Is the pain worse now that your mother is gone compared to when she was suffering from the effects of the cancer? Is it possible that your emotional attachment have blinded you to the fact that her pain has ended and instead of feeling relieved that that has happened, there is a feeling of deep loss? Is it possible that though you love your mother, you actually love yourself even more?
This is not a criticism but a reflection of what a "normal" grieving process is all about.
Attachment sometimes results in a pleasant feeling like when you love someone, and in this case , your mother. That's really nice. It is not nice only when you lose that someone whom you love. We may or may not meet again someone whom we love in the next life and if we do, we would not even know. So, don't worry. Just be glad that your path with your mother met in this life. If you treasure her, she will live in your heart and would not cause much anxiety. She wouldn't want that, would she?
I feel relieved that my mother is not suffering anymore. It was equally as hard for me to watch her struggling and suffering in pain.
I do not mind bearing all the pain for my mother. But I know she didn't want to die, and especially when she felt like she was too young to go, that's why I am grieving so much over how her life ended.
@neverstoplovingmom
I am sorry if this sounds insensitive but..
Does seeing someone you love, die with little acceptance or resolution for where they really were, motivate you to find another way to face your own ending?
Pain was the catalyst that drove the Buddha to embark on his spiritual journey. Perhaps this too can be a catalyst for you.
With metta
Indeed.
In some peoples near death experience, they do see their mothers, relatives, trusted and loved ones, who guide them into a peaceful shutdown. Some Buddhists do explore aspects of this NDE and regard them as actual, rather than residual effects.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bardo
It is right to grieve but it is also right to find a way of honouring that persons being as has been mentioned. People here will be thinking of you. Offering puja/prayer and encouraging you to come to one of life's certainties. Death. Sometimes grisly, untimely, unwelcome.
Dukkha (pain such as grief) is very intense. Some of us deal with such intensity in our lives. It makes us empathise and wish to ease that pain . . . we can not, we try.
I will light a candle for your mother by a new shrine I have set up. Look after yourself.
OM YA MA HA HUM
Hi, neverstoplovingmom!
Condolences on your loss. Your mother was so young, I can understand your grief.
Truth is, beyond any theories, religions, metaphysics, and philosophies, nobody will ever come up with a satisfactory answer to the question of death. The Buddha himself dismissed the origin and the destination of our journey as totally useless to help us lead a perfectly happy life here because no matter how much thought you gave to the issue, you'd never really know where you come from, why you're here and where you're going.
It's perfectly normal to feel bereft and grieve your mother. But try to put yourself in your mother's place. As a human being, I don't fear death because I know it's part of the package. But as a mother, I don't want anything to happen to me because seeing my son suffering is the worst torture that I could ever endure. I would not like to leave this world before I see him attaining the most wonderful life he can make for himself.
Wherever your mother is, and if she can see you, which we'll never really know for sure, do you think she would like to see you suffering so much? She'd want you to internalize the experience and move on with your life. She'd want you to be as happy as you can be.
I lost a son year and a half ago, and though the pain is still there, I try to cope and live on as happily and usefully as I can for all my beloved beings and for myself. I'll never understand the whys and wheretofores, but I don't need to either. I have accepted the limitations of my intellect to deal with this huge question.
Don't try to figure out what happens in the beyond or how she or you will reincarnate...
they're all theories that won't help you lead a better life. Just accept that we are not meant to live forever. It's a shame she could not live longer, but she would have died sooner or later. We all will. Live in the comfort of the shared memories and live on. If she were seeing you right now, she'd ask you to do that. There's nothing worse for a mother than to see her child suffering.
Live with the pain, internalize it, ask for help if you need to, but live on. Make a happy life for yourself. It's normal to feel so bereft right now and grope for answers, but trust that time will help you heal. I have been a Buddhist since early childhood and the words of the Buddha have always been a great solace to me. It is the best self-help therapy I know of. Focus on your life from now on. You'll always have your mother in your heart but you have to move on. For her memory, but especially for YOU!!
@neverstoplovingmom -- I am still waiting to see if you will address @how's earlier question of what you think your mother might say about your current confusion and sorrow.
Right this minute ... what would she say? ... would you listen?... I think these are important considerations.
How about cutting some slack ?
Perhaps s/he does not know what her/his mom would say.
Perhaps its too painful to think about. Even if you do think that they are 'important' considerations
Perhaps we can allow people their grief without rushing to 'fix' them.
@citta -- And perhaps we can grant @neverstoplovingmom the slack to speak for him- or herself.
Which he/she is doing. Quite successfully.
we celebrate birth and mourns death.
yet they are 2 sides of a coin.
buddhist believes in reincarnation, at least in Asia, they do.
do you cry when the sun sets or when a flower wilts?
take comfort in the fact that your mom no longer has to suffer the pain of cancer.
my father died from cancer.
i felt relief when he died bcos he was suffering badly with final stage cancer.
he was a decent man, so i take comfort that he will be in a good place.
eating meat is fine in buddhism.
Thank you for thinking of my mom Lobster. The sad thing is my mom doesn't have anyone who is deceased to greet her in the afterlife. All the people she loved are still alive. I am terrified she is lonely now.
Dharmamom, I am sorry for the loss of your son.
Genkaku: My mom loved me more than life itself so she would want me and everyone else to be happy and healthy. Before she died, I told her she did not have to worry about me as that was her biggest concern. I know I need to walk my own path and self destruction is out of the question.
I 've been reading a lot of books on near death experience, I want to and need to believe I will see her again and that she is happy and at peace now. I still cry for my mommy and I know the pain 'll always run deep and I have this extremely empty feeling which is frightenening.
I will go on with my life but I can't help but look forward to death and have the chance to be with mom again. I think life really is suffering, I really do not want a long life of such painful grief.
My mom faced death with much dignity, and I want to and I believe she will help me when I am ready to die and join her.
Thank you for your words for my son! But then, find something or someone to live for, neverstoplovingmom! Create goals to keep you going.
Nothing too ambitious to start with: simple short-term goals, like "I'll go for a 30-minute walk every day," "I'll practise meditation 20 minutes every day." Make a list of books to read, not so much about death or metaphysical, rather some thriller or the latest best-seller, and make it a point to finish one every week.
Move away from your navel, go out a lot, window-gazing, reading at a café or with a friend. You don't mention any friends. Do you have any support group? Or join an internet site with people who are going through bereavement like you.
I can quite see that you were your mom's biggest concern. A mother only thinks of her children's happiness.
Do it for her. Like I told you, maybe she's watching you right now. Don't make her suffer. As a mother myself, it breaks my heart to think my son could suffer so much over my death.
I suspect you are too young to think of death, anyway. You have all eternity to be dead, so LIVE! Focus on the present and live!
I see that this is an old thread, but in case you are still reading, I just wanted to thank you for your post. I just lost my mom a few months ago, and I relate so much with everything you said. I am not suicidal, but I often think about how pointless this life is if my mom is in the next world and I could be with her. When I allow myself to accept that there is an afterlife, death does not scare me nearly as much as it did, especially if I will be with my mom. I see it has been over a year for you now since this post. I would love to know how you are.
I started a blog to talk about my journey and hopefully be for others what you have given me by writing such an honest post - knowledge that I am not alone!
https://www.facebook.com/tolaughinflowers/
Normal policy is to close such threads when they're resuscitated more than a year later, but in this case I am happy to make an exception.
Hope the OP ( @neverstoplovingmom) can come back and comment...
Same situation like me. I lost my mother due to cancer when I was 17year old. Before that i was a confused thiest before that and afterwards i found things don't go as per our wish or god. We have to face reality anyhow. First I believed rebirth kind of stuff from buddhism but recently i am not giving any importance to rebirth kind of concepts. You may be emotionally broke due to panic you have got. Now you just can do one thing to be a wise because there is no support of mother. Having mother is strongest thing in life but everyone has to go through this stage. Even though you may find your mother in next birth,it is not assured in same mother daughter relation. Who knows.... You might be having so many people around you which feels pleasant are may be due to past good relations.