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Book on raising child
Keyouse
Explorer
Hello there! I have recently found out that my lady is pregnant. I am wondering if anyone knows of any modern Buddhist literature that pertains to raising a child. Not only support for me as a father, but mostly about moral dilemmas and such.
Thank ya all!
1
Comments
Congratulations and welcome to a lifetime of worry!
You can't learn how to be a parent from a book, even if its written by a buddhist. I remember looking at various books and parenting guides that were available (mostly aimed at woman who wanted their kids to be perfectly behaved and go to sleep without crying), and realising that these books were written by people who had the time to write such things down and didn't actually have kids themselves, and were professional nannies or child psychologists.
Just use your life experience, treat the child the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child, and don't treat them in the way that you were treated that made you fell unhappy, and try to be the best friend and guide you can be to your child.
Also give them lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, avoid sugary drinks as much as possible, give them access to fresh water and provide them with lots of exercise. You might benefit from this as well!
Metta
The Parent's Tao Te Ching ........ William Martin
When my daughter had not yet been born but was on the way, I encountered a series of worries, most of them common as cobwebs, I imagine. When I retailed some of my worries to my younger sister who had two kids of her own, she looked me straight in the eye and said, "Adam, you can either read every book that was ever written about raising kids or you can read none at all. Either way, you won't know shit."
With three kids of my own (now mostly grown), her advice strikes me as right on the money.
There are some great books to use for ideas and guidance, but @anatman is right, don't try to learn how to be a parent from a book. They are only tools.
The 7 Spiritual Laws for Parents-Deepak Chopra (I have mixed feelings about some of his stuff but I enjoy this book).
"Kindness A treasure of Buddhist Wisdom for Children and Parent" by Sarah Conover
Otherwise, really, the best thing you can do when raising children is to walk the walk. They pick up really early on if you talk the talk but don't walk. Then you can't expect them to walk if all you do is talk
Live by example.
Lastly, be prepared for everything you think will be true about your child and your parenting to go out the window. Kids have a way of forcing us out of our comfort zones.
and congratulations
Parenting is a journey of epic proportions!
I'm not a parent so I don't have the experience, but this notion that reading some books about parenting offer no benefit seems strange, unless parenting is totally different than navigating any other of life's challenges. Certainly there is no substitute for actually getting your hands dirty and a book can't tell you what the experience is like but I'd think that some prior knowledge would provide one with some tools to handle certain situations.
I learned sooooo many techniques from parenting classes I took. Things I never would have known to try....or to avoid. I highly recommend parenting classes. You can find free courses offered by social services or other organizations. My children also attended sibling classes at 2 local hospitals. It provided them needed tools and info about their new place in the family as we added children.
Congratulations, Keyouse!
Being a parent is the most beautiful experience that you'll ever live. Well, you'll probably feel that way once the sleepless nights are over. The first year can be hard, so try to get as much help as you can get. Be humble and ask for advice. Don't be one of those smug parents who thinks nobody knows their children better than they do. Children are all basically the same. Let the others help, though in the end, of course, follow your instinct.
When I was a first-time mother I thought I had so much experience to bequeath to my son, so many things to teach him... Truth is, things are the other way around. THEY are the real teachers and YOU have so much to learn...
Like karasti said, the most important thing is to live by example. Children don't really listen to what you say but observe what you do.
I don't like Deepak Chopra's laws because they mention the word "God" too much and I don't know about you, but that's not part of my convictions, at least.
One book I found very useful was Sarah Napthali's "Buddhism for Mothers." It might be very useful for your lady. I felt it perfectly described my experience. I think it can be helpful for fathers too.
Congratulations again and savour every second of the experience!
I personally don't find non-Christian references to God troubling for my understanding and practice. God can be defined and explained in numerous different ways, and I didn't have a trouble with the mentions made by Deepak Chopra about it, in the few books of his I have found useful. He is not Christian and isn't speaking of God in that sense. Like anything I read, some things I take and use, and I let the rest go. I certainly don't toss aside wisdom of any sort just because of a word present. It's more about the overall pictures for me. I mostly prefer his stuff from the 90s and before. Long before he got super famous. I tend to not like his stuff as much now and find his commercialized meditations to be way overpriced. But anyhow, I found value in his stuff, at least at the time I read it. He also has a very good pregnancy and childbirth book called "Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives" that I very much enjoyed when I was pregnant last 6 years ago. It has a lot of Ayurveda in it, which I found helpful for my morning sickness.
@ Keymouse
Books although not useless, will only portray small still shots of the completely fluidic experience called parenting..
If you can see that there isn't much of a difference between nurturing a child and your own Buddha nature, it will work out as best as it can.?
Both will require your fostering of tenderness, compassion, sympathy, benevolence, love, empathy, wisdom and in the end both will become your teacher.
Awesome. Thank you all very much for your words of wisdom and advise!
Karasti: I was not offended by Deepak Chopra's "non-Christian references to God."
I have trouble with the "God" concept in general and consider it too simplistic to refer to a God in self-help books.
I run by the Buddha's idea of not needing a "God" in the equation of happiness and don't care to refer to an entity whose existence we'll never be sure of.
It's the kind of idea I want to transmit to my son: don't depend on a God, an external influence. Find your strength within yourself.
I don't disagree. Just saying that I found information useful, and that which I didn't, I left alone. The simply ideas behind the "7 spiritual laws" relate quite a lot to Buddhism and (imo) don't rely on a god of any sort. There's nothing in the laws themselves about god, actually. Different things work for different people, so I just offered what has worked for me in the past.
Thank you, how! That is very good wisdom and a great way to look at parenting.
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I always think that they have to learn about the precepts for layman in a practical way. Have not seen a book on that though. Maybe, Aesop tales will do too for the moment.