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Why should I be kind in a cruel world?
betaboy
Veteran
My friend asked me this question, "Why should I be kind in a cruel world?"
I told him, "You should be kind because it's a cruel world."
How would you have answered him? Do you believe that people lack the 'incentive' to be nice in a nasty world?
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Being kind makes you happy.
When you’re being kind you make other people happy and when other people are happy it makes you happy.
When you are happy your body will be healthier and you may get older.
Cruel people live miserable lives and die young.
The science behind this - as far as I know – can be found for instance in the way mirror neurons work:
http://www.brainfacts.org/brain-basics/neuroanatomy/articles/2008/mirror-neurons/
Also there is a strong case for the success of “nice” strategies in life in prisoner’s dilemma computer programs:
http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/prisoner-dilemma/
Speaking from my own experience, I didn't realize that being kind would make me feel better about life in general. I was as selfish as I wanted to be, tried only to spend money on myself, and look for..."thoughtful" (i.e. cheaper) gifts (when the occasion required it) for other people.
I prided myself on my creativity and my knack for being "frugal" - but it didn't make me happy.
I was always wondering how best to spend as little money on everyone else, didn't (and for the most part - still don't but for different reasons) "splurge" on myself while out: "What? 99cents for a hamburger? that dollar could be used for _______"
I would always give my mom a little grief every time I saw her give a tip at her favorite little coffee hut - always $5, wouldn't matter how much her order was, always $5. I used to always say to her "Ya know, if you hadn't been tipping this entire time, you could've saved up $200 by now!
Sigh*
Its far easier to be kind because, again speaking from experience, its a lot less work. I'm not counting every penny, I'm not constantly judging other people based on what they are, or are not doing. I give money now - only a little, but before it was 0.
This actually happened earlier this month - My credit union called to let me know there were "unusual expenditures" on my account. Wanna know what it was?
Me giving money to charity. Not in "large" amounts either - like $3. (On some ebay orders, you check a "click here to donate a dollar to _____" box...and I finally did.)
When I got that phone call from the Credit Union and once they told me why they called - I felt I had been a very terrible human being. Not in the "God I suck" sense, but in the "oh man...what did I drink last night? Ugh. My head keeps throbbing...I can't do this anymore" kind of way.
Well - maybe a little of both.
People are unkind, or lack the "incentive" because they fear being kind - somehow their "efforts" would be wasted so why bother? I've been there.
It never made me happy. I could never say "I gave money to a charity." I could never say that I'd helped anyone with no thought of reward - because, bluntly, that always motivated everything I would do: "How does this benefit me in the short or long run?" I thought I knew how the world worked by always trying to work the angles; to "take advantage of every opportunity."
Being kind...I look forward to a day's events now - facing the world doesn't seem like such a chore anymore. Its something I can be a part of as opposed to something I have to put up with.
There are both big steps and little steps regarding kindness - encourage your friend (don't MAKE him, just encourage him - persuade him) to be a little kind.
Kindness is its own reward. I never understood that until I did it.
Do you think that "I" and "world" are separate things?
Because otherwise the bathroom mirror is too unforgiving.
Because the world is what you make it.
Being "nice" isn't something we have to try to be, or work for. It's what we already are. The other stuff is much more work, really. Keeping up the facade, always comparing us to them, this to that. That's a lot of work. Eliminate the work and you find your niceness. Kind of like the saying about smiling. It takes much less work to smile than it does to frown.
Don't you want Christmas presents?
I was trying to think of a way to say how I felt about the OP...you hit it on the head...literally.
That would be the work of the bathroom mirror-neurons.
I am kind to others as a way of being kind to myself. Interestingly, this is true whether or not I view a difference between myself and the world or not.
It is actually amazing how easy Buddhist teachings are too try and even more amazing how the outcome is gratifying. Simple, simple. your friend could experiment with this or any other teaching. be kind and see if the world seems more kind and life seems more manageable. Try it for 2 days or even 2 hours. Proud of you Beta Boy for sticking up for kindness!
who am i to add strokes to already beautiful graffiti ?
your reply was lovely. stay fresh
The world's cruelty provides all the incentive to be kind, as you pointed out. You and your friend should be islands of kindness and compassion in a sea of cruelty, beacons of hope to those struggling with samsara. BE the change you want to see in the world! YOUR corner of the world can be a kind, loving refuge to those who need it. And as you must have noticed, plenty of people do need it! :om:
Besides, if you give in and give up, joining the world in its cruelty, you'll be part of the problem, instead of part of the solution. Which would you rather be? If your friend and people like him, give up and go with the cruel flow, he'll then be partly to blame for the world's cruelty and suffering. It will be on his conscience. Would he be able to carry that burden through his whole life?
The world is what you make it. If you want a kind world, create one in your corner of it. Join together with other like-minded people to expand your corner into a field of kindness to which others are drawn. Take your mind-field out into the world and do random acts of kindness.
xxx My kind of kindness guys. We all want to be treated kindly, with love and compassion. Decently, fairly, well.
Astonishingly or maybe not so, people ask how to be kinder, or wiser, or [insert quality] as if it is something we take. In reality, the giving, becomes the very action that enables its reception in us . . .
People sometimes lack the opportunity to receive kindness. We however can provide ourselves with opportune kindness
http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/
All that said above . . . there is some weird kind of 'logic' to your friend's question, and it's common enough that I've heard it a LOT.
I was emptying a garbage pail in a patient's room, and a coworker said "why are you doing that, no one does it for US." She went on to bolster her point for a while, utterly convinced of the 'logic'.
I'm a nurse on evening shift. Day shift doesn't empty patient's garbage pails for US, so why should WE empty garbage pails for Night shift? Day shift doesn't adequately prepare the shift change report for US, so why should we go out of our way to prepare it nicely for Night shift?
This happened a long time ago and stuck in my head. I can't say I understand the 'why' of her logic, but she showed every sign of being convinced of it :buck:
The world doesn't pander to MY needs, so why should I pander to someone else's? MY needs go unmet, so why should I meet the needs of others?
Maybe the 'logic' is in the circularity of it. Hmm.
I asked the coworker "Don't you wish we all helped each other more?" She narrowed her eyes at me and said "I don't care about that; I'm just not going to go out of my way for them (night shift) when no one goes out of their way for us."
Well, then
That's that, ain't it.
Because it's better to swim on the surface, then to be drowning on the sea floor.
Because we do kind things without expecting something in return. I wonder if she applies her logic to everything "why should I donate food to people who don't have enough? No one gives me food. Why should I donate to the pet shelter? No one pays for my pets." What a miserable way to live.
You should apply that too
Metta to you too, @dhammachick.
I wouldn't be judgmental, though. This world has a peculiar way of bringing out the worst in people. Even otherwise nice people may do or think bad things as a result.
There may or may not be an incentive to be nice, it depends on the group. Nice guys all finish in mutual benefit, in a group of nice guys. In a group of cruels a nice guy does indeed finish last.
"Cruel world" is actually an over-generalization. Humanity does strive to maintain itself.
Because if you don't, then people like you are the reason why it's a cruel world to begin with!
Well said!
I will be judgmental, based upon my personal experience. I was once confused and miserable to a degree that simply does not happen anymore. That attitude results in depression and despair. I will judge that attitude as 'wrong' for two reasons; first, it results in unnecessary misery and pain, and second, it is simply not true. It is a lie through and through that's only 'benefit' is making yourSELF feel uniquely persecuted, which is a shitty exchange for the real thing.
What is really nice is that we can notice when we are thinking bad thoughts or going to do something cruel and intervene, before that cruel deed is done! Now that's something to think about isn't it. Turn what was going to be cruel into something nice! That means a bad action can be turned to a good one, and the world becomes a slightly better place to live in.
Eventually @betaboy will be posting things like: why should I be compassionate in a loving world, and leave an empty thread.
Mettha
Virtue brings happiness.
It's that simple.
If we are selfish. Then we need to be smart about our selfishness.
Caring for others and thinking about the welfare of others makes us happy.
So be good to everyone around you and you'll be happy.
and since you're naturally conditioned to move towards happiness and run away from suffering it would be wise for people to be smart about their happiness rather than follow the patterns that clearly do not work.
I think the question has been answered sufficiently. If the OP feels he needs more input, I will be happy to re-open, should there be very good reason to do so.
Many thanks to all who contributed.