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How do I be more kind and loving
banned_crab
Veteran
I always try to use metta meditation to people who seem to be suffering. I really enjoy metta meditation, I dont even like sitting for it because it is something I do through out the day. It seems that you dont even have to participate in a conversation when you are sending metta towards the person who is speaking to you. But I would like to know what other tips you can give me to developing my metta meditation. One of My problems is that when I metta I usually identify with my ego after a bit. I start to believe that the ego is the one who is experiencing the loving kindness, so I start to think highly of myself in the wrong way.
2
Comments
Godhood here we come.
Bravo.
Tips . . . less metta internal, more external . . .
For example smile until it is a habit. Help until it becomes second nature.
Sounds good to me
How much metta do you send to yourself? And I don't mean in a narcissistic way. I mean genuine care and compassion for yourself. It then will radiate out from you to others and you won't even be able to help it.
easier said than done :-)
You want to be kind and loving?
That's easy. Observe what people do on this forum ........ and do the exact opposite.
Cut the variable of self and other. Instead see suffering. Suffering is suffering regardless of whose it is. Be it mine or theirs. Respond to that suffering.
Your response is neutral or pushing away.
Or you can expand outward. Hold the suffering in nonjudgmental attention. Feel it. Let it rip you apart and tenderize your body. Allow the pain of suffering to touch you deeply.
The question is then. How do you allow suffering to penetrate deeply? And why would I do that?
You don't really allow anything. You just meet it without wanting to get rid of it or make it into something else or use it to do something. You let it rip you apart. And then in that long painful process you'll know exactly how to respond.
And its not mechanical. Each situation offers a new problem and new solution. And sometimes its nothing at all. Sometimes its just being ripped apart.
Check out:
http://www.dharmaocean.org/episode-16-vajrayana-tonglen/
oh and why you would do that. Well pretty much nothing else works. This is the gateway to a happiness. There is no other way.
Its rather simple if you start to pay attention. To yourself, to others.
We can be kind only when that is realized to be the only solution to this mess.
Usually we act out of indifference or anger towards others and ourselves.
That doesn't work. It never will work. It only causes more turmoil and suffering for all parties involved. Examine that clearly. Let that examination and experimentation touch the depths of you. Don't look away. Don't look away. Don't run.
If you actually look then you'll start to see how much stuff we do that is basically disconnected from ourselves and our world. It's really heart breaking.
then you see how others as well are disconnected. they really cannot help themselves as they are just meat robots reacting to their klesha projections onto the world.
and in that seeing there arises tremendous kindness and compassion. a willingness to practice for others arises because well thats the only game in town that actually works.
really everything else is a prop for us to awaken to this fact.
so stop avoiding the suffering. stop making it into another a project. just actually examine your life. the life of those around you. see how essentially everyone is suffering. and see how you play into this process both in your life and how you respond to people.
if you see this. then basically any response of negativity cannot occur. it just doesn't make sense.
so more awareness or mindfulness of your situation and the situation of others allows your heart to break. or at best you see how you're shut down and you can't feel anything at all, which is a good thing because then you're actually feeling something.
and start to see. you are in this situation. but so is everyone else.
and kindness is the only response that makes sense.
What makes you feel like you must be more kind and loving than you are? Is anyone complaining or telling you that you are cold or insensitive? Or are you just feeling the need to expand and improve what's already there?
I struggle a lot with aversion in the presence of some people, it's a real internal job for me sometimes.
You iz human? Tsk, tsk.
Only joshing. The qualities in others that we are averse to, usually mean we have issues around these qualities. In some way they reflect on aspects of our hindrances. This is why it is sometimes important not to 'love thy enemy' in isolation . . . an advanced teaching by Bodhisattva JC.
Tonglen is a good practice, it too is an advanced practice. Suitable for beginners? Most
definitely. Even metta bhavna starts with loving what agrees with you.
Does the thought of doing Tonglen for bankers (shudder) repulse even the converted hell realm Boodhisattvas?
Everybody has their 'button pressing people'. Come to think of it bankers are just ignorant, bless their greedy little cotton socks . . .
I believe it starts with how you feel about yourself. If you are at peace with your self, sometimes others will sense that in you regardless. Of course we can share happiness and peace at all times as long as we always think of others. Sometimes it takes a while for us to find peace. Practice, practice, practice.
thanks very much @taiyaki for the above insightful link.
Will do.
Who is a grumpy puddy cat then?
Action often follows feelings...But its also true the other way round.
Perform some kindly act...whatever you are feeling..and surprisingly often the result is a change in feelings.
Metta Bhavana is not just a mental excercise.
So actually what happens, is you begin thinking along the lines of:
"I'm so kind, I feel so good towards these people, I'm really such a good guy, and they don't even know it. I'm such a cool dude to be thinking these things towards them...!"
In that case - prove it.
DO something.
Practice Random Acts of Kindness.
Do it with no expectation of thanks or anything, in return.
do it, because it is a blessing to be able to help others, even if they neither know it nor acknowledge it.
You've heard it said, "Actions speak louder than Words."
So 'put your money where your mouth is'
Because without demonstrating your loving kindness, all the Metta meditation in the world will not change the fact that while you 'think' a lot, you 'do' very little.
Stop 'thinking' start 'doing'.
One thing that I find helps a great deal, when dealing with people, is to focus your attention on the suffering that you know they will experience. For example, some person is being rude to you and you are becoming irritated. You begin to feel not so much metta for this person. Then you become aware of this and because of your mindfulness, you know that thinking this way about someone is unskillful and has bad consequences.
To change this line of thinking, you imagine this person sitting near their mother, who has just died. Imagine how this person is going to feel when they are sitting next to their dead mother's body, or their husband, or son or daughter. They are going to be very sad. They are going to suffer. If you are able to connect with that suffering, metta is sure to arise. Just one example of how to conjure the metta. It could be any situation that the person will encounter where they will suffer. It could be the person themselves becoming sick and being put on their own deathbed, which will happen. What are they going to experience when they are laying there in their own deathbed. They are going to suffer.
It's a matter of skillfully directing your attention to what is appropriate to direct it to IMO. This is why a daily meditation practice is so valuable. It teaches you how to direct your attention to what is appropriate and skillful.
Indeed.
As we might have noticed people are different. It is hardly surprising that different gates or ways into spirituality exist. Happy and content people rarely enter the path, perhaps this is the best time to engage . . . Most of us enter the dharma for reasons of discontent, unsatisfactory conditions aka Dukkha. Strange? Not really . . .
As Westerners we tend to be more in need of intellectual comprehension before moving into emotional commitment. We move in from the head rather than the heart. That is our way, our cultural peculiarity. We also enter the Buddhist path with unreal expectations. For example a calm mind comes quicker and easier, from massage, exercise and herbal tranquillisers. If that is all we want then remember this is a side effect of practice, it is not an aim but a staging post. A mind in turmoil can not even know focus, direction or discipline. It needs a bit of calming.
You knew that right? OK as you were. Back to the action.
Just a little tip I use for me.... About 2 weeks ago, I woke up feeling terrible. Not health wise, but attitude wise. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Maybe my hormones....maybe not enough sleep...stress...I wasn't sure. Anyway, after a couple of hours of getting the house, kids and me ready for the day....I still couldn't shake this 'negative' feeling. On the way out the door....I excused myself, and went to sit for a min. I thought...what is the antidote? I decided that I had to do something nice for someone else.
Instead of waiting until teacher appreciation week....I stopped by the store and got a small vase of flowers and a balloon for each child to take to their teacher. We had a discussion in the car about gratitude and what fun it will be to surprise them. On the commute to work....I felt joy slowly walking up me. I tried to keep the story from running off....but that was part of what lightened my mood and approach to the day. I enjoyed the thoughts of anticipating the happy feeling I gave to someone else. My daughter later told me...." Ms Brown was so surprised, she cried and said 'you know how long it's been since I got flowers?...even my husband doesn't do it anymore', hahahaha....It's not a complex explanation, I know.....but I wanted to piggy back on what @Citta was saying...This is where random acts of kindness can really water our metta seeds. ..
...
All great ideas!
I would add that it requires recognizing your current ill thought processes, and stopping them and then making an actual decision to think and act differently. Doing random acts of kindness help water those seeds, for sure, and it's great for others! It'll help to retrain your mind. But you have to retrain how you think, too. It starts with realizing when you already made a mistake, and thinking about how you might have done otherwise. As time goes on, eventually you start to recognize it before you act, and you have the opportunity to catch yourself and say "wait, why am I feeling ill will towards this person?" and it allows you to act differently, and then later contemplate where those ill feelings came from. You start to understand possibilities about why they might act the way they do.
I have to do this a lot with my grandmother. I love her a lot. I don't exactly like her personality. She is very harsh and abrasive, and judgmental. She lives right next door to us (less than 50 feet away) so there is no "getting away" in any sense. So practicing loving kindness for her is an ongoing process for me.
For me, it seems that when we have a connection of any sort (even a random shared interest) with someone, we are kinder and gentler with them. So seeking to find connections with people helps to build kindness. Sometimes, the only obvious connection is that we are all human beings and as a result we all suffer anxiety and so on.
Have you ever read or listened to the graduation speech given by David Foster Wallace? it addresses some of this and was very well done, I think. About half way down this page, you can watch a video that has still pictures with the audio from his speech. The second link as a transcript to what he says. That which applies to this topic starts around page 6, but it's worth reading all the way through (it is about 10 pages, 22 minutes worth of speaking). It is about how to work on getting away from the natural default setting of only thinking about things from our point of view. For example, being mad that a cashier is slowing up our lives at the grocery store rather than focusing on the others in line who probably have more important things going on than we do and the life the cashier might lead, and so on. It does work, to choose to see people in a different light.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/16/david-foster-wallace-keny_n_5148773.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf
"Sometimes, the only obvious connection is that we are all human beings and as a result we all suffer anxiety and so on."
Quote of the week.
We may already be(ing) as kind and loving as we possibly can. What more can we expect without hurting ourselves in the process. Being with the present moment and not stirring up greed, hate, or delusions, in itself, is being very loving. Don't you think?