Regret
Bunks
Australia Veteran
My daughter wet the bed in the middle of the night last night.
I went in to change the sheets and sort it out but she wouldn't let me. She refused to budge off the bed. She just sat on the bed and cried and screamed! I tried to remain patient and kind but I didn't want her to wake her mum and brother.
She then wouldn't let me put a towel down over the spot. Once again, I tried to remain patient and kind.
I offered to take her into the spare bed in the back room and again she refused. She just cried and screamed again. That's when I cracked and saw red!! I grabbed her and threw her onto the bottom bunk. I then chucked a pillow onto her and started to strip the bed. Of course she screamed even more and woke my wife and son.
I regret it now and feel bad. I apologised to her afterwards. I was just tired and frustrated but even as I was doing it I knew I would regret it!
Thank for letting me unload....I feel a little better already.
Comments
So what should you have done instead? Do you feel...?
Several things come to mind. One is would she have been okay if you had just left her alone, or was she screaming in the first place to get attention? Another is are you sure she was actually awake and not sleepwalking (while still in bed), which people react badly to when others try to redirect them?
Good question - she was kinda half asleep still. Seemed pretty out of it.
I suppose I should have still moved her but without so much anger in my heart.
@Bunks All in all I think you handled it well. Not the situation, but reflecting on the situation. That's how we learn and change, making sure we are more attentive the next time and don't make the same mistakes. That's my opinion anyway!
It was kind of our fault in the first place. My wife and I neglected to put a proper nappy on her before she went to bed. It might have been all avoided.
I can't recall how old your daughter is, @Bunks, 4-5ish? My son is 5, and sometimes when he's overreacting, or just overstimulated and worn out, I need to just let him be for a few minutes. I try to think of something that we can use in compromise, like "It's not ok to sleep on cold, wet sheets. What if I get we have a glass or warm milk together and then I'll change the sheets? A lot of it at that age has to do with them wanting control over something in their lives. It's hard a night, half the time they don't know why they are crying, and they don't remember it the next day to even talk about it. When my son had overnight accidents, I used to let him pick the new sheets and blankets to put on his bed, and that seemed to help. Try to give her choices, or something to choose that'll help give her some control in the situation, and maybe the next day, if she remembers, you can ask why she was so upset. Often my son won't talk to me about it until hours later, probably because he needs time to even figure out why he was so upset.
Hugs to you. It's ok. We all do things like that! It's a big deal to recognize so quickly that you don't like the choice you made, and to seek to do better. Just because you want to, next time, you will do better. Maybe not perfect, but better. And it doesn't mean you won't lose it again. You will. But apologizing when it happens and giving them a hug helps immensely. You're a good dad.
I still remember a handful of 'those times' where my patience was exhausted and I saw red, and my kids are 27 and 30
Ugh. Kids have that special capacity to push you over your own edges. The only reason the human species has survived to proliferate the way we have is BECAUSE OUR KIDS ARE SO CUTE. If they were ugly little things, what with the way they test us . . .
I like the suggestion about 'prevention', and you already answered that one, don't forget the nappy.
I too wonder about just allowing her to continue sleeping in a wet bed? Unless her room gets very cold (you are heading into winter down there) and she could get chilled, you aren't a Bad Dad for allowing her to sleep wet. Heck, kids do it all the time if they don't wake up. You discover the accident in the morning, hours old.
Power struggles with kids are so awful, it's another damn good reason they are so cute. Some power struggles with 'weaker beings' are good to avoid because you'll always lose. The consequences are between crappy and shitty. Crappy is daughter sleeping in a wet bed, shitty is seeing red and handling her roughly.
My daughter was the stubborn one, and I really am a patient person. She was shouting at me, refusing to follow some directions or others, I think she was nine or ten. I tried to ignore her 'tantrum' by giving her no attention until she could speak sensibly. After escalating her screaming, I continued to ignore her, she got in front of me within inches of my face and SCREAMED in my face. I slapped her full handed. We both stared at each other in pure shock. That's one I'll never forget, the little bugger. It happened with zero thought, almost self defense . . . but it was a child I struck, hard, and from lack of self control. Argh
All that done and said, she's 30 and apologized so many times for being the true shit she was. I tell her stories of what a shit she was and we laugh and laugh at family get togethers. How could something like that end up being remotely funny?
In the right context, of course. My mother, telling stories about me, me telling stories about my daughter. In the great scheme of things . . . love her, learn, do better/different next time, and move forward. Good dads lose it sometimes, too.
I got the impression the daughter woke up crying already because she and the bed were wet, otherwise how would he have known the bed was wet to begin with? I could totally be wrong, that's just what I envisioned, lol.
The only issue with leaving them is older kids pee a lot more and their urine tends to be more concentrated because they hold it longer, and sleeping for hours in wet clothes and sheets can cause rashes.
A few weeks ago I yelled at my 5 year old because we were running late for school and I'd told him about 275 times to put his shoes on. He cried for like a half hour because my loud voice scared him. So, in my attempt to rush him out the door to avoid being 2 minutes late, his real start to school was a half hour late and then he had a rotten day.
It is funny the things we laugh at later on. We do the same thing, tell stories and laugh about them though at the time they seemed incredibly serious. To me, it always seems like a sign that we take so many things much more seriously than we should. Pretty much everything, really.
A rash would be a consequence of sleeping in pee that a kid could understand. Not sure I could actually allow it to happen lol. @Bunks, is this the daughter who has Asperger's? "Consequences" might not be appropriate for her, it's so hard to tell what they do understand because of the language difficulties.
I wonder if she felt ashamed of her accident and didn't want you to see it, and cleaning up her bed made you (in her eyes) really SEE it?
With three kids of my own, I could share some similar stories and similar regrets, but I can't resist the temptation to link to this banned commercial.
I believe it is the daughter who was recently diagnosed. They have 2 children, the other is maybe 18 months. But I don't know that a kid that age has a good enough concept of cause and effect, and especially time, to realize that the rash in the morning was caused by her not allowing dad to change the sheets in the middle of the night..which is probably not something she remembers well to begin with.
My 5 year old still struggles to understand that connection between today's actions and tomorrow's consequences. Immediate ones, for sure. But over a period of many hours, especially when sleep is involved, that connection isn't there yet, at least for him.
@Bunks, something I just thought of, if she is easily over stimulated like a lot of Aspie kids are, it's possible simply the sudden changes set her off. If you turned on the lights and tried to reason with her by talking (in her mind, probably talking too much) she easily could have just had enough of the stimulation and lost it. That used to happen with my Aspie kid with some circumstances. Even now (he's 17) he cannot wake up to the lights on. When I know he's getting out of bed, I gotta shut most of the lights off and let him gradually adjust, or it wreaks havoc on his sense. If that's the case you'll figure out as time goes on what sets her off and what soothes her, and she'll figure it out, too. When you figure out what soothes her, don't worry about trying to understand it. Just trust her that it works and let her have it/do it if at all possible.
Even though we believe the only way to avoid mistakes is to punish ourselves endlessly, it is not true at all. Even when we make mistakes, we deserve forgiveness. It is easy for you to continue being critical of yourself, but the real lesson, and one you want your daughter to learn, is to be able to forgive yourself, get up off the floor and try again, being a better parent.
Harshness and judgement paved the way to your mistake. To apply the same to yourself only compounds the mistake. Love and kindness is the remedy, even towards yourself.
Thank you everyone. In particular @karasti and @Hamsaka.
She definitely did not want to sleep on the wet bed so I had to do something. I reckon in situations like that she just wants her mum. In normal circumstances she'll happily let me give her a hug and talk to her but she wouldn't let me near her. When her mum came in she was happy to go off with her.
Sometimes mum is the only answer!
That seems to be how it goes sometimes. I always feel so bad for my husband when that happens to him, when he tries to console our youngest and he just yells that he wants mom instead. It does even out as they get older, just keep at it! She knows somewhere that you are just as good as mom is! I give you a lot of credit for going into the situation and letting your wife sleep. A lot of men wouldn't hesitate to elbow their wife awake and let them deal with it all. It's good, and very important, for your daughter to realize she can rely on both of you, even if she thinks it's not what she wants. Keep up all the great work you do, and don't be too hard on yourself on the days that don't go so well.
Thanks for your kind words! Outside of work I pretty much have dedicated my life to my family (we have no family close by to help out so it's just the two of us pretty much all the time).
My wife grew up with a father who was only involved in a very minor way with the raising of her and her brother (not entirely his fault) so I know she always appreciates the fact that I am so involved with the kids!
It's not easy but as we all know the things in life worth doing never are!!!
As long as you don't force her to endure a Collingwood game as punishment :P
Wonder why she acted the way she did.