Putting your worst foot forward.
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
The internet gives us a lot of control over how we wish to present ourselves and I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that I suspect a lot of us have a penchant for putting our best foot forward. That is, to talk about our accomplishments instead of our failures and a tendency of describing ourselves in a favorable light. But what I've found is that the first step to growing as a person is to admit our faults. You have to be aware of misguided notions/actions and own up to them before you can really have an effect on them.
So having said all that, what are your current failures that you wish to turn into a learning lesson?
Me? One on a long list... I just realized that a coworker that annoys me beyond end is actually only a 17 year old who is still in high school and perhaps could use a little more friendly guidance instead of dismissal. I'm going to try and show him a little more compassion and a little less eye-rolls. Honestly a little disappointed in myself that it took hearing his age to make me realize this.
Comments
My current failure? ........ marriage.
Still learning a lot of the lessons from it ......
@Vastmind I wouldn't presume to know anything about your relationship and therefore couldn't possibly advise you about that... But just wanted to say, as the child of divorced parents, I know very well that the failure of a marriage isn't always a negative thing like society would have us believe. I hope this might be true for you in time as well.
Thanks for the love...
... It does feel positive from the inside. Just letting go of all the expectations and accepting what is is hard. Not negative...but hard. Putting our worst foot out there sure can be liberating!..... I'm going to put on my She-Ra shirt, now. .. 
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Giving in to the suffering and being too attached to the desire for a positive outcome, and one in my favour. Failing to relax and engage with the moment. I want to be a 'good Buddhist' but right now I'm failing dismally....
I want to be a 'good Buddhist' but right now I'm failing dismally....
I can relate to this, heh. I often have to remind myself of the poem of the daruma doll:
@zombiegirl
@Vastmind
Yesterday after some unkind words were shared at home, I was trying to figure out where to move. I told myself that it would be good for me to not be within an abusive relationship.
Two hours later, after my partner said she was not sure why she said what she did, I was back in love again.
I'm 59 years of age with all the developed emotional maturity of an average 17 year old.
Failures...where to begin!
I have problems maintaining patience with my kids. I feel like I play referee sometimes hours a day and no amount of trying to set an example, trying to teach them better ways, and so on, has helped. They are all very, very different people and them having to live together in a fairly small shared environment is a huge challenge. Everyone wants what they want every second and getting compromise from any of them has proven almost impossible. I go to bed almost daily with a long sigh and wondering what I can do to make things less tense for everyone. They are good kids, they aren't misbehaved really, just constantly at each other about something, always competing over who is smarter, who know which facts, who eats fastest, who eats most. It drives me crazy, and it shows.
My ongoing resentment at my grandma's needs is another huge one, but I've already addressed that in a separate thread not long ago, and am working on it.
Lastly, and noticed immediately today, when I fall out of meditation (as I have in the past week thanks to deciding "hmm, I'll go back to bed instead") my judgement of people comes back right away. Today at the beach, I felt better at being there in my swim suit, because the other mom who was there was heavier than me. Shameful. Also, I then criticized her (in my mind) for not wearing sunblock, she was beat red by the time we got there at noon. And here I sit tonight with my own sunburn.
My nemesis is that I can't work like a lot of people. In the past it was because I really was not able. I also had a phobia of talking to managers because of an experience working with a job coach who didn't understand I had schizoaffective and had me pushed too far making cold calls to people who were not hiring. Eventually I was up all night for maybe 3 nights thinking about suicide. Then after that whenever trying to tell my dad or mentally out loud say about what my strategy for being hired was. And from there I would go in circles with more and more worries and stress molecules in my body. Also I am timid and kind of enjoy not working a bit of laziness, but now that is getting better with less meds so it might be chemical rather than my personality.
I am socially timid and a loner. Not the smartest chip off the old block either-- my dad was a genius, my uncle also. I am smart but not a true genius in the top 5% world-wide.
I am also somewhat lazy. Working on that.
I am going to join this thread but not play this game. I am good at putting forward my worst and I suspect so is the OP and many here.
Suffice to say we are human. Failure and fault is our first Noble Truth. Now revel and reveal or find our own and others best foot or would that be the worst in this thread?
Well, best foot is easy. I am very good with computers.
I think it takes courage to reveal what we think are our weak points, though in this case it is within the Sangha I think.
I think is a great thread.
I drink copious amounts of alcohol on the weekends, by myself most of the time. I realised this is probably unhealthy in a mental sense. I have done so for so long I can't even remember.
Not sure what's stopped me doing it everyday. I don't like anything having a control over me. Last weekend I didn't drink anything. Buddhism is helping me through so many of my short comings
@Straight_Man being a loner is not a bad thing
don't label yourself, be an island unto yourself and you will never be alone.
I think about all that I want to accomplish then don't.
Being inpatient with my children.
Unskillful speech.
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I used this saying once, in an unrelated non-Buddhist forum, and about 20 people came back and pointed out that this is impossible, unless you start off by lying down in the first place.
And that's another trait which makes me put my worst foot forward: pedantry. Grammatical precision.
I definitely, without question have an OCD in those respects....
I feel like I have too many faults not to share a few more...
I'm pretty OCD too. More germophobe than anything though (although I do have my grammar Nazi moments). If I'm not careful, I'll actually wash my hands to the point of chapping.
I am far too concerned with my appearance and find it hard to feel confident when I'm not looking good. Years of working in objectifying environments actually used to make me feel like if I didn't get hit on on any given day, that there was something wrong with me. I've since let go of that, but the feeling still crops up at times.
And for a big one... I didn't call my father on Father's Day because I found out that he chose to spend the day drunk. I don't know if I will call him again as I feel that I have already said my piece. It's a hard decision, but I think I'd rather spend my time on people that care to keep their promises. For better or for worse, I am only forgiving up to a point.
It's a challenging way to address the ongoing relationship with unfolding reality.
I think to look at something as a failure or a success is to assign a metaphorical position within a myriad of possibilities - it's as crystallising a particular set of connections at the expense of other connections and I'm not sure what purpose is thus served.
For example, [breath in & breath out] or [(Succeed in breath in fail in breath out) and (fail in breath in and succeed in breath out)].
By analogy, it seems there's just more in the same process that can be condensed down further perhaps therefore negating success and failure as signposts.
@Earthninja: you made an interesting point here. I once read that Madonna never did drugs nor alcohol because she wanted to be fully in charge of her career and, obviously, her life. She had witnessed how many talented artists had ruined both over a lack of control on their addictions. Either you or your addictions are in charge. Whose command will bring about more skillful choices? I let you guess...
As to the subject of the thread, I believe our comments are self-revelatory. Even with people who don't provide much information about themselves, our virtues and our failures jump off the screen to the keen observer.
As @lobster said, we're all human. We learn, we change every day.
We tend to forget that our life is a film and wallowing on our failures is like infering a context out of an old Polaroid. Especially if we use failures either to berate ourselves or to condemn others.
My expectations from someone close, who is also unfaithful. On this forum, someone posted about the idea of breaking the chain to the person who did wrong things to us. It is a beautiful suggestion, which is still hard for me to do. Eventually I will. It just not gonna happen quickly.
In one of the talks, Ajahn Brahm mentioned about cultivating the compassion and wisdom, since they support each other. I am still working on it. Hopefully, my wrong foot will become less and less significant as meditation and dhamma practices gets a foothold in my daily life. Sorry to be sounding a bit negative, I think you all are amazingly wise and understanding.
Bad news and good news.
After decades of meditation my worst foot sometimes goes first. Sometimes it ends up in my mouth.
The good news is ....it happens a bit less.
No one said it would be easy. We are battling the results of at least one lifetime's conditioning.
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"one day, when you're feeling Important,
One day, when your Ego's in bloom;
One day when you have the impression
that you're 'Number One' in the room...
Take yourself a big bucket of water:
Plunge your hand in, right up to your wrist.
Take it out - and the hole that is left there
Is the measure of how much you'll be missed.
Brings me down to earth in the most wonderful bumpy way...!
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Or as Michael Grade said when he headed the BBC ' The hole closes up as soon as you leave the car park '.
By analogy, it seems there's just more in the same process that can be condensed down further perhaps therefore negating success and failure as signposts.
A lot of what people have discussed here (and myself included) would more likely fall under "unskillful behavior" than "failure." Perhaps I should have used that term instead, as "failure" could be a little bit too broad and harder to define. A lot of what has been brought up as "failures" I think would tend to be the more difficult issues where we aren't sure what went wrong quite where. But as far as "unskillful behaviors" (for example: mental judgement of others), just recognizing this tendency is an important step to affecting it.
But I think my real point in creating this thread was just as a sort of platform where we can discuss our imperfections instead of always putting on a front. Nothing too deep... just thought if anyone was interested in sharing, it could be beneficial to provide a little 3 dimensionality to our online personas.
I can be very lazy...I am not talking about being chilled and relaxed...I am talking scorched trousers because I can't be bothered to move away from the fire lazy.
I am talking watching rubbish TV because the remote is slightly out of reach lazy.
^^ My ex-H once got up from the couch, walked over to the TV, picked up the remote placed on top of it, then returned to his seat - and turned the volume up.
There's a "WTF" in there somewhere....!
My thoughts exactly. WhyTF didn't he just get you to pass it to him?
I can be opposite of lazy. I go-go-go and expect others to be that way too. Hence fighting with the hubby. "If I can get A, B, C AND D done before even leaving for work in the morning then how come you cant even get G done"? I've heard it said nothing pisses off a woman more than watching a man do nothing., hahaha. This is why being married is hard for me. I'm a total extrovert and haven't learned yet, even after 20 years, how to be coupled with someone who seems content with being alone most of the time. I take it very personal. That's why it can feel like a 'failure' at times....
My go-go can be very unskilful for me. My health and stress levels go up and I don't take the time I need to show myself metta and care. Yes, I get tons of stuff done, but I pay a price for it. I'm getting better though...slowly.
I hate to say it but either it's a case of most women being like you (I could be a President of that club!) or a vast majority of men are like your H. For my part, my Husband shares your H's distinct lack of urgency all round..
But I won't expand. This thread is about our OWN worst foot forward, not theirs!
@Vastmind
It must be hard for your husband also, and it might explain why he likes to be alone. Even if he is satisfied with being less active or productive himself, the constant comparison to your higher energy could be discouraging, even more so if there is any nagging involved.
Many of the women in my family are high energy, productive types. Most wound up single because their men couldn't keep up. Or live up to their expectations.
I live alone now, having failed at long term relationship. If I want to lie on the couch watching movies over and over again, it's my business. I busted my ass for 25 yrs to raise kids. Now it's my time.
I strongly object to the term 'nagging'.
It is derogatory, insulting and pejorative.
I have yet to meet the man who while complaining of nagging, is not guilty of indolence and of being uncooperative. Men call it nagging sometimes even when they've only been asked once. They call it nagging when they're merely being asked to do something that might just inconvenience them a little.
If I'm a nag, how do you fancy being a gelding?
I thought this was a thread about counter balancing our best foot forward with a presentation of the seldom seen second foot.
Perhaps..the Dear Abbey responses while being oh so tempting, will only dampen the OP's intent.
If I know @zombiegirl, I very much doubt it! LOL!
(Dear Abby is lost on me, I'm afraid...)
See? No need for me to explain why I failed at marraige, and would expect to fail if I tried it again.
Saying the wrong thing is my thing.
(Wrong-footedness again) I invariably say the right thing but all-too-often to the wrong people...
I am a ridiculous man and usually and clumsily put my worst aspect on show probably in the subconscious hope that I will get my act together enough for the next big show. However, that doesn't always materialise in the way I desire.
So heres my right foot. It's called honesty.
And my left foot is called sinister objective.
Theres a silly pun for fun there btw, but I am sure I really did not have to point it out, see I'm just as ridiculous as you...
... \ .oOo. / ...
So now you know why your belly is bigger than @vinlyn's ..
..
I find myself obsessively judging people I don't like. I could always use a little more loving kindness
I don't have a right foot.
Whoa, ETA: I do not have two left feet.
Some of the most egregiously selfish stupid things I've done have resulted in tremendous future gain. Within reason, what "wrong" I do, much less what "right" I do might at some point flip flop.
As to the OP, I tend to berate myself for doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, thinking wrongly about something. I also tend to believe other people don't notice it and sometimes am shocked when they do. Even worse, a lot of what I do wrong is ONLY noticed by others who are too polite to send the memo.
Yup...
@federica True, I'm not much of a stickler for off topic tangents lol... So let me join in! (Oh, and just PS, "Dear Abby" was an advice column in the 50s/60s in America. Women would write to her with all sorts of problems, but often domestic issues because of the times. I'm hoping there isn't some sort of pejorative domestic dig hinted at in that comment, as is common for "women's work," but seeing as we're talking about making and breaking marriages over domestic issues, I feel like the importance should be self evident.)
@Vastmind in your scenario, I am afraid I am more like your husband, but in my case, my gf does little but expects a lot. I love her, but want to strangle her sometimes lol. Since she became the breadwinner with a very demanding job, I don't mind, although it is still apparent that I am satisfied with a lot more mess than she is. I just have trouble getting off my ass without some kind of itinerary. I think it might have something to do with the way we were raised. My mother is on her way to being a hoarder, so clutter just doesn't stress me out like it does her. So many times I have contemplated making a list of all that I do around the house just to prove to her that I DO quite a lot, but it's hard to tell what's been done... Way easier to see what hasn't.
So, for me, being "lazy" or "comfortable in the mess" has never really stopped, however, I long ago realized that my fiancee is legitimately stressed by mess. It's like it weighs on her consciousness and makes it hard for her to relax, and so, although I rarely feel like cleaning for my own sake, I do it for hers because I would like her to be able to relax when home. On the other side of the fence, I wish she could realize that what seems "obvious" to her, is not "obvious" to me. Our worst fights over this matter come when she makes assumptions and says things like "I shouldn't have to tell you what needs to be done." But in some cases... Yes, yes she does... So, perhaps in relation to your situation, could you be making assumptions and then harboring resentment when the assumptions are not fulfilled?
I think you need to allow each other the room to be the people you are; but finding a compromise is important. Maybe you can agree that the communal areas are to be kept clean and tidy (like the rooms you'd entertain in) but that your own private area you can keep any way you want....
Communication is all-important here, @zombiegirl... 'compromise means sacrificing a bit of yourself to make the other person feel more accommodated - but it MUST work both ways.
Have a look at this 'the Speaker/Listener' technique. And see how using it could definitely improve the way you both engage and interact....
@federica a lot of our issues are because since the move, we did a literal position shift, so I went from being the breadwinner to... Basically, a house wife who only works limited hours for something to do. Domestic issues are pretty much my responsibility now. My fiancee's job has her away from home for sometimes 3-4 days at a time and on call most of the rest. It's a crazy situation, but she really doesn't have time to do these things, but i do. So, it's all pretty new for us, but I think we're adjusting okay. I just had to have a few metaphorical slaps up the side of the head to realize I need to get my butt in gear
I really do spend a lot of time reading/playing video games and the like... I mean, I like a clean house, but it's just not always my priority, like it should be.
Indeed.
However personal growth has no interest. That is just decorating or widening the cage . . .
Being objective means being able to fault find in others as easily as in ourselves but looking for the potential good as a more skilful choice.
Oh look I found a third foot . . .
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@zombiegirl said:
Ah another 'kindred spirit' when it comes to tolerance for what's generally understood to be 'a mess'.
Over the course of my life I've lived with or partnered with persons who were put on edge when everything was not in some linear predictable place all of the time. I was pretty selfish back then and emphasized (to myself) " Hmph! Well, I am NOT a pig, I just don't get bent out of shape when my house is . . . free form." Filthiness is not OK with me, but shit is all over the place in my house. I live alone with a parrot who makes almost as big a mess as I can make with no effort.
I do find there is a limit to messiness that I get beyond, out of habit of selfishness and 'rebelliousness' (what literally drove many friends/housemates and a couple of partners nuts). It is a true revelation to me to have a certain place to put certain things. It NEVER occurred to me to do this on my own. That little brain nugget is not present, I've had to grow it manually, kind of like autistic folks manually learn social stuff.
It is out of self respect that I do keep my place a helluva lot more tidy than in the past. I do feel better when the floor is nicely swept.
Living with someone with an alternative orientation to how objects are, erm, arranged, is hard. I would also not want to be singularly burdened with making allowances for HER, without having a similar acceptance coming my way. Except in partnerships, the relationship takes priority over just about everything, including how long I tend to wait to take out the kitchen trash (when the bits I put in bounce out on the floor).
I totally get being 'neat' to ease the way for a partner, I hope your partner has some awareness of that. There is such a post Victorian messophobia, so that if you ARE a messy person you are also 'wrong' or 'bad' in a moral way. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, right? My mother is a messophobe, and the message I got while young was that I was lazy and disgusting. My mother is a nice person, but not particularly broad minded.
To messophobes, the only reason for messiness is laziness, perhaps. To us messy heads, the only reason for the fuss over order is obsessive compulsive disorder
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Middle way.
Basically, it's a psychological "If you won't do this for me/let me be like this, you can't love me as much as you say you do."
You have to find a common ground within which you are both content. It's important to find a position where maybe both of you are certainly cutting the other 'some slack', but also where you are both pretty much satisfied hat your emotional needs are being recognised and acknowledged.
I'm constantly trying to learn from my fear/anxiety. It manifests in surprising ways sometimes, even in the context of buddhist practice… which feels a bit ironic. But anyhow, I've been more able to look at and sit with my anxiety than before, even though it still gets the better of me a lot of the time.
Re: my "wrong foot," see my new thread on "Truth Claims." It's pretty honest, and honestly embarrassing. P.S.: I very much like the tone of the discussion here.