resentment and how buddhism deals with it realistically.
Laghima
New
I am aware that buddhism has these 'poisons' (ignorance, hatred etc) but I have a problem with some feelings I wish to let go of that relate to one of them, sadly these feelings have come to a point where they consumed me at one point and I found my life so hard to cope with. I want to find any way possible to aliviate them and move on.
Recently, I ended a very close relationship in my life that was proving toxic: My partner I had known as a close friend for many years was talking about us getting married and then that week ran off with someone else after seeing them behind my back for a little while. I tried to take a high ground and forgive them and be friends, but I was angry that my trust had been abused like that and eventually, my efforts to maintain a friendship with a straight face turned very sour. My new perspective of our relationship brought with it new habits on her part: insults, degrading comments to make me feel bad about myself, asking me to meet up and never showing, being rude to me in public and in front of friends and not respecting boundaries (like expecting intimate knowledge she never got of me from our relationship). Eventually my attempts to be compassionate about the situation failed and after one particularly bad incident on her part, I verbally retaliated in an outburst of anger at what I felt disrespectful and unfair. Her response was threats of self harm and saying I was abusive to her and that her depression means she has no responsibility for her actions, which I find hard to believe. I told her we couldn't have anything to do with each other anymore and that she needs to go.
Now it's been some months, but I find my experience has changed my perspective on my relationships for the future, but I still feel, even though we don't talk (but we live in the same city, so I see her and her friends about sometimes, which makes me feel uneasy) I still have this feeling inside of: 'wish she'd go away' and 'how dare they' and such.
I've recognized that what I am struggling with is feelings of resentment more-so than the actual events, but that resentment lowers my mood and makes me feel negative about her and myself. I'd rather be indifferent and unphased (though I appreciate that may sound ridiculous). I just cant seem to find a means to view this in a way where it doesn't hold some meaning for me, which then brings hurt. The relationship before, during and after had a very strong meaning to me that I can't detach from on my own.
I was wondering if Buddhism had any perspectives on these sorts of feelings? I find time is helping to a point, but I wonder if there is something I am missing in my view. I realize had I just told her I couldn't be around her afterwards I could have saved myself some grief (but that would have been very tough since we shared a house via tennancy, which was quite trapping in some ways).
Does buddhism have anything on this kind of topic? I want to live a life free of this, and be at my best not only for myself, but for the people I may meet in the future and how I might bring negativity upon them from what I feel shackled to.
Comments
You need to let the past go. That is my humble suggestion.
You are facing your feelings. That is good, and brave. Love hurts sometimes. Quite often actually. What would you do different next time? Try to remember, and then do it next time. And yes, there will be a next time. This too shall pass.
@Laghima
Human beings are all just innately messy beings. You, me, everyone! Relationships are just how we share that messiness with others.
Buddhism shows us what that is, what causes it and how to move beyond it's suffering.
The practice of any Buddhism, should answer your posted questions.
It's natural and healthy to experience a range of painful emotions at the end of a relationship, or any big life change for that matter. Bottling up these emotions to "take the high ground" is not fair on yourself or realistic. Let yourself feel what you feel, don't judge the feelings or feel bad about having them. Just let them be and don't resist the process.
As for resentment, remember that everything that happens to you is teaching you something about yourself, so no experience, however painful or humiliating it may seem at the time, is worthless. When the feelings of resentment arise, turn your attention on them instead of getting swept up in being upset. In time you will see that the feelings are not you and have no power over you. But be patient, it can be a long process.
There's nothing to 'do' about resentment, it's not like you can reach inside your head and turn off a Resentment Faucet (would be helpful tho). Resentment is a natural consequence of 'self-ing'. In insisting upon yourSELF, you will naturally resent others who do not relate to you or regard you with the same respect and attention you give to maintaining your self-ing.
If there is no particular 'self-ing' going on, no agenda or clinging to what you think you are, people can take a crap on your front stoop and not taking it personally would be a no-brainer. You'd see the pathetic darkness of the person who'd perform such an act, but not get all hung up on them pooping on YOUR (gasp!!) front porch.
People shit on other people's front porches constantly. We are not careful or mindful with each other. While we are so indignant about how we are treated we are in the same ways offending and irritating other people, but would deny it if confronted. "That's not what I MEANT!!" you might say, it was not your intention to offend at all!
Since when did that matter to a self determined to survive all the evidence to the contrary?