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We Are All People Who need People
Vastmind
Memphis, TN Veteran
"....We crave inclusion so much that admitting we want a connection with another person—not even a lover, a fellow human—is as frightening as a death threat. Grown-up pride can’t hide the need to belong."
I found this article from Tina Buddha to be light, funny, but with a serious point....The writer is comparing herself to Barbara Streisand and her stage fright/vulnerability to the audience......
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Comments
@Vastmind
I guess the question to ask oneself is whether our habituated need for inclusion, which emanates right from our skandhas and represents the fundamental purpose of why our karmic mix coalesced into the expression of our birth, is better addressed through indulgence, rejection or the meditative equanimity that stops feeding either.
@how
I'm going to give this a try on my own end this time.....
So, if I translate those lovely vocab words right...what you're saying is....
The question we should ask ourselves is whether our habit of needing inclusion, which comes from skandas and the whys/hows of our karmic mix conditioned by our birth, could be addressed in 3 ways .....
1. Indulging/giving in to it
2. rejecting inclusion/wanting, being alone all the time
3. meditate so we have the even keel of neither.
That's a bumper sticker for all cravings, isn't it? hahahaha
So I'll just cut the chase and say from now on....sit.
Problem is......When I'm finished sitting......I still crave people.
I guess I'll just keep sitting until that crave stops.........
I'm a pretty outgoing/people person....so...don't wait on me in this lifetime...hahaha
When your car battery doesn't start or when your oar falls over or when you want to cuddle or a shoulder to cry on....you might change your tune...
Just sayin' ......
Hey Vastmind
Not claiming to practice 24 - 7 what I preach. It is just a work in process.
We all have different mixes of karma but they all seem to share the inertia of an innate belief of being separate from the rest of existence. From my perspective, we are really little more than temporary vehicles for the inertia of that karmic delusion. My practice is simply how to bring resolution to the momentum of that karma.
My question about your posting though is...
if your formal meditation is simply the practice of not molesting the birth, life & death of phenomena (a description of masklessness) then when & what actually changes in that practice as you introduce body locomotion.
I dont know.
I might be missing your point Vastmind. I read most of the article, too. And now I have 'people who need people' as an earworm. Could be worse . . .
I resonate with that 'craving' connection with others. I'm quite independent and have had to humbly admit I need and like interpersonal warm fuzzies like the next person. Our natural human being bodies and brains are wired for community living, so it's a given, whether or not there is some greater meaning (we are all one, ohmmmm) or not.
But you are saying craving 'inclusion' to the point we are devastated at the slightest rejection, real or imagined? Is this a question about whether it's a skillful thing to seek and enjoy connection, or is your question about tolerating the vulnerability and risk of rejection? Sorry if I'm mangling your OP :P
@Hamsaka no need for sorry....None of the OP is original to me....it's the article.
"....But you are saying craving 'inclusion' to the point we are devastated at the slightest rejection, real or imagined? Is this a question about whether it's a skillful thing to seek and enjoy connection, or is your question about tolerating the vulnerability and risk of rejection?"
I think different people might have different questions and investigations about their own craving for inclusion....I thought the article would maybe bring those questions up for some of us....which I think was the writers intent.
This is a big one for me. I struggle mightily with the desire for love, acceptance, and intimacy. Mostly, this is related to finding a lover. Expressing this desire usually leads to being criticized or rejected. An intense loneliness pervades. I have been working with this loneliness for over 10 years now, without any success of finding a lover. I have made a lot of personal growth in that time, but the loneliness continues to eat away at me.
@ thegoldeneternity
Do you think that you're better off with another person? Cliche as it may seem, you work upon youself beforehand. Do you really need another person? I have heard it is best to be happy where you are, when you are, you will attract your mate. or not. You want what is different, anything but?
@ownerof1000oddsocks
Cliche is right. I have heard the "You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you" phrase (and its variants) more times than I care to remember. I believe it is often overstated, and very much oversimplified. It also generally is only said by people who are already in an intimate relationship.
I do work upon myself. My self-work has been intensive over the last decade. I offer myself love and support; self-compassion. These days, I am confident in my kindness and in my generosity; in my talents and in my appearance.
That does not change the fact that I feel a deep longing for intimacy. Not with just anyone, but with the right person. This may be partially why I have been alone so long. I am not looking to settle for just anyone who will have me.
I don't believe that the "work on yourself" piece is mutually exclusive from being in a loving relationship. I think that a loving relationship could be a therapeutic setting in which to continue to work on myself.
Regardless of whether or not I ever find a partner, I will continue on living, and on doing the self-work, until I die. I find the question of whether or not I "need" a partner to be nonsensical. Need them for what? I know that a relationship won't solve all of life's problems. I know that a relationship brings with it its own difficulties and responsibilities. I know that, like all else, a relationship is impermanent.
But I still want one.
I feel a deep longing for an intimate relationship. I do not want to deny or suppress this longing. If I could simply will myself to be content without a partner, I suppose that I would. But things don't tend to work that way.
If I could take a crack at the question you posed to @How, I would say there is a 4th option in dealing with it.
Seeing how there is really only one group and it would be impossible to not belong.
We all have something to offer that we can all benefit from... Even if it is just another view of the world. They say two heads are better than one so we've hit the jackpot.
@Vastmind
I am not really clear on what you are saying that makes it a 4th option?.
If one divides up the manner in which we address our craving for inclusion into
Indulgence. rejection or meditative equanimity,
perhaps you could elucidate where your 4th option steps outside of the confines of the original three.
I think you may have meant to address me there as I mentioned a 4th option. The first 3 are indulgence (seeking to belong), rejection (living in solitude) and meditative equanimity (not worrying about it).
The 4th is much like the 3rd except for as well as not worrying about it, one sees there is actually nothing to worry about because there is belonging either way.
If one doesn't belong, they are deluded because they can be no where else.
For me personally I don't need people, but I do like to be with other people sometimes, its the need that I don't have.
@ourself
Our definitions of meditative equanimity differ.
Not worrying about things in meditative equanimity has nothing to do with passivity. Not worrying about things within meditative equanimity is from not being bound by the habituated conditioning which would otherwise harry the mind or obscure the transcendent reality that you mentioned.
Which is why your 4 looks like a 3 to me.
If there is a need for any kind of ideological totalitarianism to keep people on a good path through life, I would rather look towards love than to bow down the knees of my mind to any rigid principles. Through love and caring for others we do our best spiritual work. I put not my trust in any one religion or practice.
Love is repaying the debt owed to those we love. Hence, without people to love we are not complete, i.e., in need. We do need others, since lacking others we could not truly love. Furthermore, I think, loving and needing others can only be characterized as akin to useless wandering by people who aren't really thinking clearly when they do so.
Though it would be ideal to forget about all our particular affections during meditation, I'd still rather not take a cookie-cut salvation-by-technique approach to any and all sentiments that happened to appear on a board simply due to the board's label.
Real people have sentiments that they sometimes express. Even Jesus wept.
I think that we are all real people, whether we believe it or not. I also concur with the sentiment that we are all people who need people, whether we admit it or not.
Message for @Nirvana from Mr Cushion . . .