Practising Compassion Towards Someone I Dislike...
Tosh
Veteran
Names changed due to anonymity...
I've been sponsoring a guy in A.A. (an ex army Major called Huw - he's very intelligent - and should know better) for a few years. He - despite encouraging him to work the 12 Steps - firmly remained selfish and self centred. I always encourage guys I 'work with' to help others. In that vein, back in August this year, I phoned and asked him to give a newcomer lady, called Aileen, a ride to a meeting because I had a car full and didn't have the room. She lost her licence due to drunk driving; drunk crashing in fact! She also lost her son; about a year ago her 12 year old son went to live with his father (in Australia) for a few months - no doubt tired of eating cornflakes for dinner and seeing his mum stagger about like something out of the Walking Dead - while his mum, Aileen, got her act together, and she never has.
Huw took her to this meeting and very quickly cultivated a sexual relationship with this lady, which is a huge 'no no'. A.A. isn't a dating agency and we call this kind of behaviour '13th Stepping' and it's predatory sexual behaviour. For some very good reasons, we leave newcomers alone to recover; we don't have sex with them.
After seeking advice from my own sponsor, I spoke with Huw and let him know that his behaviour was totally unacceptable, morally wrong, and that he should leave her alone. He refused. She had a fiance at the time too, which I assumed she 'dumped'; he actually phoned me - he must've 'stole' my number from her phone when she was drunk. He was after information about his fiance and I pleaded ignorance.
Anyway, both Huw and Aileen were going to meetings together for a few weeks, then both disappeared. Aileen has a property in London and spends her time between here and there; so she often would disappear anyway.
Cutting a long story short, last week, I had multiple texts from Aileen telling me that Huw was sober, but in a bad way with depression, and would I contact him. I guessed she was drinking from the manner of the texts. I refused saying "Huw is a big boy and knows what to do!" Then the next day I had a call from her fiance (the one I assumed she'd dumped), asking my advice what to do about Aileen. He told me she had gotten so drunk she'd split her head open, and was currently rip-roaring drunk too.
I advised what little I could. But with regards Huw, I almost felt some pleasure at the karma he reaped; his depression. My first thought is that A.A. doesn't need sexual predators like him; stuff him; he can simmer in his own misery; and that I'm not going to bother with the guy.
But this morning, during meditation, it came to mind that I actually should be showing Huw some compassion; I've obviously softened a little. I'm guessing he won't be coming to meetings because he'll want to avoid me (he's like that), so I could just speak to the guy to make him feel more at ease at meetings, should he wish to continue to go to A.A.. I still don't like the guy though, but I don't have to like someone to be compassionate towards them. I guess compassion is an action, not a feeling.
I think that's the answer. Just typing out this post helps me order it in my mind.
Thanks for giving me a space to do it in. 
Any thoughts or constructive criticism would be welcome though.
Comments
Compassion is a practice, but it can also be a feeling. There are meditation exercises for cultivating compassionate feelings. That's a good observation; you don't have to like someone in order to feel compassion towards them.
Wow. So Aileen has a fiance? She'd be very lucky if he chooses to stick around and help her out. And I think it would be a very positive gesture to tell Huw that he's welcome back at AA. Then if he does show up, you should remind him that he's required to follow the rules. (This also is compassion, as in: tough love. He needs to know there are boundaries.)
What happens to members who break a major rule?
Huw is just trying to make himself happy like the rest of us.
I too (like you I'm sure) have done some pretty bloody horrible and selfish things to get a bit of nookie in the past!
Anyway, glad you're able to find some compassion for him.
It sounds like the depression may have something to do with Huw's feelings of shame because of his destructive behavior towards Eileen. He probably hates himself and is so ashamed, he is afraid to face you. What a wonderful act to show compassion. Perfect timing.
Aileen is a wealthy woman, late 30s, attractive and intelligent. She has a few different properties she rents and lives in. Her finance is 20 years her senior, lives in London (3 hours away from here) and I found him a little strange to be honest (from our two brief chats on the telephone).
When Aileen lost her driving license she used a local taxi driver to ferry her about from place to place and she quickly developed a sexual relationship with him. She even took him to an A.A. meeting and he seemed an okay kind of guy.
About a few weeks into their relationship, her fiance - unknown to her - travelled from London to her place here and caught them both in bed. He forgave her for that one.
So she has a history of seeking relief in men. It's that 'grasping mind'. We're deeply unhappy, we can't drink, so our minds go looking for something - anything - to relieve us of the way we feel. Aileen seems to use men. Early on she tried to get me to be her sponsor; I refused (for both our safety; I don't 'work with' women) and due to a lack of active A.A. ladies in my area, I 'palmed' her off on a gay guy I sponsor (he's safe, I've heard his Step 5). But that didn't work out.
And we only have one rule in A.A. (Rule 62). Nothing happens to anyone for any reason; we have no punishments or disciplinary process. 'John Barleycorn' is the only 'disciplinarian'; it's like "behave - live by some spiritual principles - or end up drinking!".
So there's no rules in A.A.. None at all. I think trying to get alcoholics to follow rules would be like trying to herd cats.
I know in Buddhism they teach that things don't inherently exist on their own side, but Huw is inherently dislikeable. A few years ago, when his wife kicked him out, a few months before Christmas, he had nowhere to go for Christmas day. Absolutely nowhere; no friends, no family wanted him.
So I invited him to our house for Christmas, I felt like I didn't have an option. Mrs Tosh saw things differently and we had a fight about it; she doesn't like him either. Huw wouldn't even touch our dog with his hands (dogs are unclean); he'd 'elbow' the dog off him. Our dog is like our child!![:\](https://newbuddhist.com/plugins/emojiextender/emoji/little/confused.png ":\")
I also spent hours listening to him. I learnt from him that listening isn't all it's cracked up to be, if it's purely self-centred whining; it just kind of reifies his belief that he's a victim of life (even though he's not - he's had opportunities not many others have).
And the only person he's tried to help in A.A., he bedded. Ooooh, I'd like to thump him!
I've sent him a friendly text asking how he is and he's replied "Good ta you?"
I've a feeling this is going to be hard work...
Would it be correct to say Huw is a stupid coward and not even a real man?
I say this because from what little I understand many cowards are smart guys. Many soldiers and ladies men are really running from the battle few face.
Themselves.
Being a tough guy, macho bastard is so easy for those running into booze, sex, battle, action etc.
Is there such a thing as A.A. special forces? Where you kidnap the alcoholic and cold turkey them on a regular three month cycle . . .
. . . oh wait a minute you were talking about compassion . . .
"Ten years ago, a crack compassion unit was sent to samsara by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-A-Team."
Bravo Tosh
@Tosh. It seems to me as though you are already showing a high degree of compassion in action. There are a few people in my circle who are hard for me to expand loving kindness towards. So I do what I can at the moment. Usually that seems sufficient.
At any rate you are quite an inspiration to me as you struggle to take the high road.
Cheers, guys, it's all been a bit of an anti-climax in the end. Huw says he's fine, so I said it would be great to see him at a meeting and that he has my number if he ever wants a chat, and that's that.
I think he's sticking up a wall of ego, he probably knows I know that Aileen is in a mess (we live in a small town), so is being defensive.
But I've done my bit.
Thanks; it's helpful to get it down on 'paper' and check there's no blind spots from you guys.
Good news.
Must admit I was looking forward to his incarceration in a maximum security detox unit where he was compassionately subjected to jibes by the A.A. elite unit. He sounds like a my-little-pony-tale type of alcoholic.
When I went to A.A. meetings with a friend, too many of the alcho's seemed to delight in tales of how bad they got when booze was out, drinking silver polish, perfume, etc. It really was an insightful event for me. I went about three or four times. I feel it is a useful exercise for those trying to understand what their friends may be going through. However I really know so little . . .
Poor little pony.
Bravo Tosh, Bravo.
You're a real spiritual addict, Lobster. Is there a 12 Step program for that?
Ouch.
Have recently been part of a thread about "12 Step Haters" - those who can't deal with the concept of a Higher Power, who can't handle the word God however much it's pointed out that this is no more than shorthand for whatever an individual wished to understand, who just think it's brain washing (well, my brain needed a bit of washing ...
). who break confidentiality/anonymity rules, who 13th step. These words particularly resonated with me:
Guess it's the 12thTradition that gets me past all of this: principles not personalities.
I do feel compassion for those who are prevented from finding their inner peace because they cling to an illusion that their inner void can be filled by something non-spiritual, be it addiciton, relationships, material wealth, whatever. But only they can follow their journey. I can't do it for them.
Metta and thank you for sharing
Yes, and thank you for the reminder. It's so easy to not see the wood for the trees sometimes. I know the 'trees' are my baggage, my thoughts and feelings around my history with 'Huw'.
I quite liked the reminder from @Bunks too; I've not always been decent with regards my sexual behaviour in the past either.
Tosh, here's what you said/implied about there being a rule in AA. I was just wondering if there were any penalties for someone who transgresses in a serious way like this, but apparently not. I take it they get a talking-to, and that's it. Aileen sounds like a person who opens herself up to people like Huw, anyway. So, what can ya do?
I guess at this point, in a way he's being a teacher to you. You're learning a lot about compassion, human dynamics, and boundary-setting. That's one way to look at people we dislike. There's actually a constructive side to it, even though the process isn't pleasant.
Keep up the good work!
@Tosh
This might be very offtopic, but everytime I see the picture of -I am going to assume it's your cat- the cuteness hits like a truck and I start feeling compassion for all the world. Maybe having a cat buddha statue in every household world wide would create some peace.
The advice I can give though is that next time you have a full car you let him pick up the guys and you take all the gals with you, it's a win win situation for you wink, wink. Just joking, about that last part, but really if I knew a man in the street would assault me everytime I walk in that street with a bottle of milk, I either take the other street or don't take a bottle of milk with me, so he is harmles. Just like that man is harmless as long as you probably keep him away from ladies etc. Just my 2 cents.
I had a somewhat similar experience yesterday after work.
There's a homeless guy who roams the streets between where I work and the train station hassling people for money. He asks me probably once a fortnight or so.
About a year ago I gave him $5 and he said it wasn't enough and maybe I could give him $10. I said no and left.
Last night he confronted me and asked if I had any change to which I replied no. He says "C'mon buddy, it's Christmas!!"
I just kept on walking but in my head I turned and said to him "F**k you mate! I gave you $5 a while ago and you complained it wasn't enough! That's karma! You reap what you sow!"
I stewed on it for a few minutes but then realised he's suffering enough. He doesn't need me abusing him too.
At an A.A. meeting we had a 'bag lady' come in and sit at the back. I don't know if she was an alcoholic, maybe she was just in to keep out of the cold, so while people were sharing, I went over to her and asked if she'd like a cup of tea. She said 'yes' and asked me to leave the tea bag in the cup.
So I made her a cup of tea and absent mindedly threw the tea bag away (as is the normal practise) and gave her, her tea.
She then - in a very loud voice - said, "I asked you to leave the tea bag in! I thought you people were meant to be sober?" (implying I was drunk).
She made me smile though.
I admire you Tosh.......Keeping yourself together is a full time job....so to be/offer such
support to others has to be a hard.....and rewarding way to give. Good on you!
Some of your advice from the meetings can go a long way on different topics......