Buddhist take on dealing with failure
JohnMac
Veteran
So, as Alan Watts would put it, "one day you wake up at about 40 and realise that it's all been a hoax, a cruel hoax. They made you miss everything by expectation." How does one, through the lens of Buddhism, deal with waking up at 40 and realising that ones career(s) have been, by and large, a failure. Certainly something I am experiencing now as I look back through my careers in science and photography. It's the particular internal emptiness at looking back and realising that so much was missed. I understand, entirely, that looking to the past doesn't provide answers, but a feeling of having not made enough of ones youth and opportunities therein haunts me sometimes. I often think that everyday we begin again, if we can, and perhaps that's enough.
Comments
This grips my shit.
Why do we measure a person's life by the professional successes, failures, levels of achievement, promotions, financial bonuses, rewards, salary increases, companies they work for, positions and employment records?
Why do we not measure a person's life by the smiles they spread, the kindnesses they did, the warmth, love, compassion and affection they generated?
Why do you feel your life has been a failure?
Try mine, at 58, in terms of financial benefits and career moves, I have achieved far less than you.
Does it bother me? hell, no.
Did it once? Oh boy, sure it did - but only because I felt evaluated and judged by others.
Well sod that, as far as I'm concerned, even though my entire life has culminated in my working two days a week as a retail sales assistant, I refuse to kow-tow to Societal norm of success/failure, any more.
Start now.
There is no better time than now, for looking at yourself and improving, growing, nourishing and flourishing.
How many wasted lives are there - have there been - because people felt - or were made to feel - a 'failure'?
How many people have jumped off bridges, in front of trains, taken pills or blown their brains out, because of perceived lack of personal social success?
Too, too many.
Think of what people might say if you tell them - "I've started my own company, am employing several people with good skills and aim to make a million in my first year!"
Think of what they might say if you tell them - "I'm determined to keep my own company, develop my own spiritual skills and be penniless and humble for at least a year!"
They'd applaud the first, and deride the second - but isn't that what the Buddha did?
Shift your perspective.
As the saying goes, "Nobody ever died wishing they'd spent more time in the office."
I want people at my funeral to say, honestly and with glad and open hearts - "well, she sucked at making anything of herself financially, academically or professionally - but our world is a poorer one for never seeing her smile again."
Make a difference, by all means.
But to someone's heart.
Not their prejudices.
Relax.
Whats done in past is done and nothing can be done about it now.
What will come in future is just a thought.
The only time when something can be done is now.
Moreover, ultimately there is no body to do something to reach any where any how - so relax and drop the burden you have built-up in your mind, which really does not exist - moreover you do not have to even drop it, because you have not even acquired it at the first place.
Try to be mindful, kind and generous in the present moment and live skillfully in whatever situation arises in the present moment - easier said than done, but start with small steps in these directions to begin with in the present moment, with whatever best you can do about it in the present moment.
metta to you and all sentient beings.
"Think of what they might say if you tell them "I'm determined to keep my own company, develop my own spiritual skills and be penniless and humble for at least a year!"
That's kind of what I'm doing now since emigrating last year. I think it's a natural thing to look back when ones life has fallen apart and wonder. Certainly, I'm not referring to my sadness at not achieving corporate success etc none of that was ever on the cards, it's more that sometimes one experiences a pervading sense of regret at opportunities missed. That's what I'm wondering how to handle.
@JohnMac -- My sense is that there is no denying feelings of regret when they come calling. There's no talking my way out of it with some bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed nostrum or approach. Ouch-ouch-ouch!
And then there is the question of what to do about it. As far as I can figure, if I can't get out of it, the best thing to do is go in. Wallow and weep, if that's what it takes. Wallow, weep and... WATCH.
Thomas Edison was once asked what it was like to fail 2,000 times to make an incandescent light bulb. He replied that he had not "failed." Instead he had discovered 2,000 ways how not to make an incandescent light bulb.
One of the good things about a meditation practice (you know, the watch-y stuff) is that little by little the reliance on the critiques of others -- finding solace in social praise and blame -- is not so necessary. A little at a time, waking up in the morning and wishing one thing or wanting another ... well, it's popular, of course, but is it necessary?
Naturally, "a little at a time," is not quite as quick as anyone might like, but it's the only game in town. Will Buddhism kiss it all better? Maybe. Maybe not. But since I can't see a more likely tool for addressing the barbed wire of regret, I guess I'll give it a shot.
Ok, so go back and change them.
Oh, hang on.... not possible, right?
So, what would have happened if you could?
How would your life be different?
Detail everything that might have been, then know this: It's all hypothesis.
Truth is, if you changed anything from 'then', would you be where you are 'now'?
Whatever happened then, has brought you to this present moment.
Look at those 'regrets' and mark them down as 'experiences'. They were signposts along the path, and while th choices you made, and the experiences you had, may now seem negative in some lights, in truth, they are the little blessings that caused ripples in the pond....
Don't regret what you cannot change. Rejoice in the instant you now have, that you came through and can still love.
There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. - Dalai Lama
Most of us buddhists try to live in the present moment. Hope this helps.
I've had these kind of regrets myself and I think they're quite common. Perhaps best to accept that they are there and try to move on.
"But since I can't see a more likely tool for addressing the barbed wire of regret, I guess I'll give it a shot."
I think this is where I am, exactly. The barbed wire of regret. I dont think there is a person alive who hasn't had to deal with at least some barbed wire. Maybe the best way forward is to observe the feelings as transient phenomena and leave them as that. It's the doing it that I find the hardest.
@JohnMac said: I think this is where I am, exactly. The barbed wire of regret. I dont think there is a person alive who hasn't had to deal with at least some barbed wire. Maybe the best way forward is to observe the feelings as transient phenomena and leave them as that. It's the doing it that I find the hardest.
Ooh yah. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Walk the talk.
It's all true, but hellishly tough, isn't it?
I bet there are people who's lives you've influenced for the better. Have you ever watched "Its a Wonderful Life"?
Sometimes I look back and perhaps wish I could go back knowing what I now know. But wait... I'd have to make it so I come across this person and that person.
Because if I never meet them I will regret it.
What do you get out of hanging onto those thoughts/regrets/feelings and continuing to consider them? One of my very favorite quotes is "comparison is the thief of joy" and you are robbing yourself of joy today by thinking about years ago. It's not like your life is ending. You quite possibly have a whole lot of years to live yet. So instead of focusing on the regret, maybe it would be better to think about how you can make the best of right now...now. That is what you did then. I'm sure you thought at the time you were doing the right things. We all do the best we can with what we have in that moment. That is why looking back and wishing we had done differently is so useless...because the information you are using today to evaluate your past choices wasn't available to you when you were making those choices.
It is something everyone goes through at some point or another. I wish I hadn't met a man who I wasted almost 15 years with and caused an immense amount of trouble and pain in my life. But had I not, I would be lacking 2 amazing children as a result. What things do you have in your life now that your past choices gave you? Stability? A retirement that'll be valuable? Health care? Money? Experiences others didn't get to have? Connections others didn't get to make?
If nothing else, the experiences of my life eventually brought me to Buddhism. Somewhere, they also brought you. I was seeking answers and comfort of some sort, and this (Buddhism in general not this page specifically) is where I found it. If there is NOTHING else, then there is that. I am a Buddhist because of what I went through in my life, and that has been one of the biggest gifts I've given myself, ever. If my life had been too comfortable, perhaps I would not be where I am today. My life isn't perfect, it isn't always happy. But my life is drastically improved and I enjoy so much more of it today than I did 10 or even 5 years ago. Many people seek the kind of peace I (usually) feel in my life. I'm very grateful to have found it at a reasonably young age (I am 39). Whether I have 5 minutes left or 50 years, there are a lot of moments for me left to enjoy.
What brings you joy? And how can you do more if it in the life you have right now?
"The barbed wire of regret"
Aversion is one of the Three Poisons, along with Ignorance and Attachment. These three make up the root causes of all suffering in Buddhist doctrine. I'm very accomplished in aversion, and left up to my own devices, I'm very aversive to regret and that idea of regret being like barbed wire just underscores what you end up doing to yourself when you struggle to avoid it.
There is nothing to do, with regret, but bear it until it dissipates and ceases. It doesn't get much more Buddhist than that
I'm hangin' with you, the last few years have been remarkable for the presence of regret.
Great answers, thanks all. A lot of sense being spoken. I wonder if I should have titled this thread, " dealing with a lack of contentment' maybe that's closer to the mark.
(Now he tells me....! ~rolleyes~
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Past moments goes and never comes back...It does not make any sense to cling it..What one lacks is experience of career.. If one can start any work right now which would make lot of money or helpful for others then it would be great..
Most richest people say that do work that can help or fulfill needs of others then money and success will come it's own. One have this moment in hand. May be one is not successful because of having same habits for long and need to change.
More than enough. In fact enough already.
Spiritual failure is one of my highest attainments. Every day a beginner (even my meditation cushion laughs at me).
And in this prosess a friend gave me the hint about a book called ' feeding your demons' by Tsultrim Allione. The book brings the practise of Chod to a more Western way. The demons are exactly our fears regrets and so on. With feeding them instead of fighting them it looks like we are able to relax more and the results I saw with my friend are very encouraging. So I'm just about to figure out if this practice is working for me to.
@Migyur, unless you tell me different, I'm convinced you're actually Midge Ure from Ultravox/BandAid, which is ok by me.
Once, when a student in the 1980s, I listened to Midge Ure singing Vienna, I was heartily stoned on best Moroccan brown. I'm sure that same afternoon my cushions laughed at me for the first time....
Yes we did. I was the third cushion on the right, with the frayed tassel and the faulty zipper. You never did repair me. I was crushed....
(And this is how threads very often go off-topic. because the resident nut-case aka Moderator, has a warped sense of humour.)
Ah yes, it was you, who when gripped by the munchies emptied my fridge of my weeks supply of beans and ate all my pot noodles. The joys of university life in 1987......
I only eat Bombay Bad Boy pot noodles. with cheese strings. And that, sadly is actually a fact.
I don't think that particular flavour was alive then... the chicken curry one was though, so if you had THAT one lying around, I plead guilty but with extenuating circumstances.
Which are that I was hungry and wanted to eat something.
Pondering upon things like coulda woulda shoulda ones thoughts just wallow in self pity. ...when they should be more focused upon self compassion
'Coulda woulda shoulda' reminds me of Iyanla Vanzant, a woman I first saw on the Oprah Winfrey show, and whose books I read. Quite a lady, quite a history, quite a character.
And Migyur Sherap is the name I've got from Choki Nyingma Rinpoche some years ago and it means unchangeable wisdom. Hmm maybe something I lakk and need to develop ho knows
What do you feed them?
Mine love fear, lust, regret (yay on topic), pride, empty sardine cans, hate - I actually luvs demons, they hates that ...
I also like to beat them on the head with a laughing cushion.
Look forward to any tips for my next picnic in the hell realms ...
are part of Buddhist practice. And as you say the mind that produces the demons knows also what they need how to Pacify them and how to turn them to allays.
@JohnMac. I think it important to be cautious when using the word failure. Most of us miss the boat from time to time. I don't see it as more than that. Be accurate when looking at yourself. But neither too soft or too hard.
Buddhism should help you to get in and out of failure in one piece. With a wiser and hopefully non-reactive when it happen again.
Thanks for all the answers, very useful indeed. Failure,I suppose is a relative construct, what I regard as failure others may not. I suppose, to determine failure, one has to evaluate the actions of the past through the lens of hindsight. Ultimately, I'm beginning to think that failure isn't a thing but a feeling, an emotion. Which means that it should be transitory, if observed as just that, a feeling...
If you cant accept you made a mistake, huge or small, its also difficult to fix it.
Its therfore a big hindrance to have big expectiations, its a heavy stone and easy to fall hard, and break a bone or two.
But if you can drop it, and accept reality for what it really is, then life can be more easy.
Do the best of every situation right NOW, ask what is the best I can do NOW, which means follow the eight folded path.
Thinking of the past dosent help, its gone, and the future is uncertain.
One top word in buddhism is compassion, it is in us to cultivate and share. We can only give what we have. Be compassionate to you self first, investigate the cause of your suffering manifesting through "not being to let go" Be kind to yourself as well.
A student once asked the Venerable Ajahn Chac - why he is suffering, and the great master said to him - "what is your attachment" and the student learned the root of his suffering.
Love it.
May any spiritual energy thus generated
Be dedicated to dispelling the misery
Of living beings without exception.
As long as diseases afflict living beings
May I be the doctor, the medicine
And also the nurse
Who restores them to health.
May I fall as rain to increase
The harvests that must feed living beings
And in ages of dire famine
May I myself serve as food and drink.
**
**May I be an unending treasury
For those desperate and forlorn.
May I manifest as what they require
And wish to have near them.
My body, every possession
And all goodness, past, present and future
Without remorse I dedicate
To the well-being of the world
Suffering is transcended by total surrender
And the mind attains freedom.
As one day all must be given up,
Why not dedicate it now to universal happiness?
"Failure," "guilt," "regret," are words that do not belong in my dictionary.
"Alternative," "possibility," "here," "now," figure on top of my list.
There are skillful and unskillful actions with their logical consequences.
And self-compassion ties the knot.
Great comments, again. I have revised my own view of failure and now consider it all as 'experience' and transitory ones at at that.
If all else fails, just tattoo the word "ooops" on your forehead and go from there.
One of my support groups has a saying:
Guess the same is true of contentment, serenity, whatever. I'm not always at peace with myself - when I've spoken when I should have bitten my tongue, when I've let someone down through not having the health to give them the time I would have liked to have given them - but these times are far fewer when I see that it is the way it is and make what amends I can, no beating myself up, knowing that others simply do not know enough to judge.
Then all I have to do is smell the roses/enjoy the sunset/listen to the birds/appreciate whatever beauty is smiling at me at that particular moment and, wow, true contentment. I am blessed
The OP here is obviously quite sincere. It is always useful to recognise what one is feeling. However, it also useful to see the grasping that is involved in looking back at what might have been (perhaps, what 'should have' been). The source of all suffering is a refusal or failure to accommodate oneself to ones present predicament, to surrender to the shape of the place where you have been placed at this time. This does not connote a flabby passiveness, it is just a recognition of where one is at. You must occupy your present location completely if you want to traverse forward to your proposed destination.