I need help. I think my practice sucks.
LoveWins
Explorer
Hello all.......I haven't been on here in awhile..thought I'd reach out. I'm having a problem. I practice Tibetan Buddhism (shambhala) and have taken refuge vows, meditate fairly regularly, and have done 3/5 of the shambhala training levels. I also practice yoga. My problem is that, I have so much going on in my life and I am so extremely frustrated. I see so many people meditating and growing in their practice and I am not. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions while meditating but I still get up from my cushion feeling frustrated and angry at the world. So many people meditate and seem like they are really growing in their practice and it's so exciting to see. I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like why am I even doing this? People seem so zen and peaceful and I'm all over here pissed off and smoking cigarettes......Help.
Comments
What happens in other people in that they are peaceful? Maybe it's like some people have more money than others? I would try to just explore my own experience for example search my heart. It's a long term path.
Sounds like you know the problem. Too much going on and extremely frustrated. Well, we've all been there! You're not alone. What can you do to de-stress your life? What's going on? What helps me, is to use my free time more wisely. I do absolute necessary responsibilities...then as soon as that is done I lay down on the couch read an entertaining book that I can escape with, watch a documentary, or take a nap. I make sure for my health that I do this...Instead of using my free time "running around" such as going out and getting all this furniture because I just moved, or going and helping my family right away, or even having friend time. All of that needs to come secondary to your own personal "me time." Sometimes "me time" is not meditation time or studying Buddhism. It's your own thing that deeply relaxes you and takes the edge off. Once you do that maybe a couple/few hours a day or maybe one/two days out of the week, you are totally refreshed (at least works for me). I sometimes do not know when to "turn off"...even in my free time running around getting excited about doing this or that or pushing myself to help others too much-then at some point I just have to stop otherwise I get tense/anxious/upset, and I lose myself! Lay down for a long period and do nothing! Let your brain unwind. Do something pointless every once in awhile. =]
How do you know that others are "growing in their practice?" Is it just because they are doing higher Shambhala levels?
I find it extremely ironic that Trungpa - who literally wrote the book on how to combat spiritual materialism - founded a Buddhist tradition that is very good at nurturing it by having all these levels.
Anyways @LoveWins, I think you should stop looking at what others are doing. Or what you perceive them to be doing. Spiritual practice is your own. Perhaps you need to identify what is making you stuck. It sounds like your frustration with and desire for "spiritual growth" may in fact be what is keeping you feeling in a rut.
What does "spiritual growth" mean to you anyway? We all have good days and bad days, days where we are "more Zen" than others. I'm certain that even monks have good and bad days.
I don't know. I feel like I'm being resistant. Like I'm not letting the practice work. My heart doesn't feel softened, I feel clingy and negative. I do feel more mindful though. And your right Invincible_summer, I don't know that ppl are actually "growing in their practice". I guess yes, seeing ppl do more of the levels symbolizes to me, at the very least, that they are getting something out of it and want to go deeper and are committed to the path. Spiritual growth to me means that I am so excited about the change that is taking place that I want to lean in and learn/do more. I feel like since I started this path, I have become more anxious, more attatched and more confused about life.
Maybe you need a different path. What do you think you need?
There's your problem right there! The spiritual path is boring.
@LoveWins sez "I do feel more mindful though.'
If practicing mindfulness is easier, then I say accentuate the positive, and do more of that. That's how it is for me - mindfulness is a piece o' cake! Well, I'm exaggerating just a wee bit, but I do enjoy it and feel I'm actually getting some where, even though (I guess) it's frowned upon? (to get somewhere) heheh - Who knows in this wacky religion. (just kidding, folks)
It might be time for a different approach. Have you raised these problems with somebody more senior in Shambhala?
Yes. Are you surprised?
You smoke and do yoga, think the path is about excitement and leading a chaotic life whilst being zenned out? Sounds a little karmic to me.
You are a little more mindful. Cool.
What advice would you offer me if I posted the same question? Be honest. I can take it.
I also at times felt like my practicing wouldn't make any dent in my messy life. At those times I'd drop it altogether for weeks or even months. Then my life would get even messier and I would grudgingly pick practice up again.
So drop it. Try something else. See if that works for you better. Buddhism isn't the only way of dealing with life and not everyone is the same. And if you find some alternatives that help you, do come back and share
One final note. You talk about how everyone else is so calm, wise, Zen, etc. I would really investigate this need to compare self with others and emotions that come from that comparison. I found that for me this measuring against others the root of most misery in life in society. When you can say sincerely "screw everyone else, I am what I am and that's all that I am"...good things may happen.
I also found just as a side note, there is so much release when you don't put expectations on your practice.
Don't measure yourself against others.
You are already perfect as you are.
I read a quote I liked, maybe it will help.
"Meditation is not about trying to be a better person, it's about accepting the beauty of who you already are"
Metta to you.
Oh, so you think one SHOULD meditate then....?
(The comment is rhetorical....)
When the neighbours lawn mower stated I got annoyed!
If someone interrupted my hour I was annoyed!
Then I realised the point wasn't to reach any state by force. It was to accept the lawn mower, accept someone rocking up. Accept that fly on my knee. So much better
@LoveWins metta to you bud, just know you've survived 100% of your worst days ever!
keep it up!
@federica oh hell no meditation is a complete waste of time. It's like trying to herd cats. (Jokes!!!) XD
Cat wrangling is easy. Wait until you try lion riding...just getting the saddle on 'em is dicey.
Back to point:
@LoveWins
As you already know, folks on this site practice different Buddhist disciplines, each with it's own methodology. However, the practice, whatever form you have taken up, in a way is akin to riding a bike. If you ride, you will fall. No blame, no shame. Just get back up, get back on and ride.
Also, don't judge your practice by what you "see" on others. It is said that no two snowflakes are alike yet they are all snowflakes.
If you ultimately feel the Tantric isn't doing it for you, Buddhism is vast. But that is your call and your's alone.
Best to you.
Or, perhaps you have just become more aware of how your mind has always functioned from the beginning? But before it was just being ignored and now it's not. A lot of people who have a lot of attachments don't even know they are attached and then they wonder why they suffer so much. Being able to see how much attachment you really have, I think can easily be called progress.
@LoveWins -- Watching others who make such wonderful "progress" in their practice is like watching TV dramas ... everything works out for the best and there is a tendency to forget it's all fiction.
OK, your practice sucks. But has it occurred to you that it is pretty unusual to have a practice to suck at? Some people aren't that lucky ... not that it matters much.
The Korean Zen teacher, Soen sa Nimh, was once asked: "Sometimes I feel like such a phoney when I practice ... such a schmuck. What should I do?" And Soen sa Nimh replied, "You're either a Buddha or a schmuck. There is no in-between." No in-between means to lay off imagining that anyone else is making such oozy-goozy "progress."
Turn off the TV. Lay off the fictions. Relax. Have a smoke. Let those who praise Buddhism talk it up, hug, and toast themselves with "happily ever after." You're after Buddhism, not bullshit. This is your life, not some spiritual melodrama.
Suck? Yup. Shine? Yup. Do it anyway ... and if you need a breather, there's always screaming into a pillow or George Carlin's "seven dirty words you can't say on television."
When there is suffering- one should ask "what I am attached to" - Try to determine what it is that is pulling you. Good luck.
I was really frustrated with my lack of progress, until a few months ago. I still feel frustrated occasionally, but I realized that setting goals was actually counter-productive. You're setting yourself up for disappointment by doing this, and causing a lot of unnecessary stress for yourself. With meditation, you need to set up an attitude of kindness for oneself, and not criticize yourself when you fail to reach a self-imposed goal. In fact, you shouldn't set a goal at all, except perhaps to sit for 5, or 30, or whatever minutes. Do what feels comfortable and don't force it.
One particular aspect of Buddhism I found compelling was to not compare oneself to others. This either makes you feel inferior, or superior, to others. Neither is a good place to be.
In Zen, the phrase "nothing special" is often used. Dogen even wrote that true practice should be like reaching for the pillow in the middle of the night - it becomes automatic and nothing special.
Spiritual practice isn't about having a nice glowing feeling after meditation all the time, or being "zen" all the time. Buddhist practice especially is about engaging with reality as it is - not adding our own imagined stories or perceptions.
I understand... I just feel like nothing is changing. I don't believe that I should be Zen all the time, just some of the time. Lol. I do have lots of attatchments... I thought that thru meditation that they'd slooooooowly naturally magically melt away overtime.. Maybe they are melting....but how is the meditation supposed to work if I'm still holding on so tightly. How do I let go?
Or, perhaps you have just become more aware of how your mind has always functioned from the beginning? But before it was just being ignored and now it's not.
You are right about that! Painfully aware.
A small personal story repeated:
Once upon a time, a Zen buddy and I used to get together once a week -- either at his place or mine -- sit for an hour or so and then go out to dinner at a Chinese or Thai restaurant. And one evening as we straightened things out after sitting, I asked him, "Did you ever notice that whether it's a good sitting or a shitty sitting, still something good happens?" He seemed to understand me exactly, but all he could say was "yup." And since neither of us could think of anything to add, we went out to dinner.
The Beatle John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." And I think the same is true for meditation practice. Something happens, but no one can capture or assure or hold onto it. All the talk in the world, all the emotion in the world, all the bright wisdoms in the world ... no one can lay a finger on it.
But there's nothing saying you can't enjoy yourself.
It sounds like you're grasping at keeping up with the Joneses in your practice. It's not a competition. Who cares where other people in your sangha are at? Comparing yourself to others is a sure exercise in frustration. Just do what you can. If your current life circumstances require you to pay attention to other things in your life right now, and there's not as much time for Practice, that's ok. That's part of being a Householder, vs. a monk.
It's all ok, OP. Chill. Stop beating yourself over the head with "shoulds"--where you "should" be, what you "should" be doing, and how often you "should" be doing it.
Besides, how do you know they're actually growing in their practice? How would you measure that? How do you know what's going on in their lives? Maybe they're mellow when they come to sangha, but you don't know what they're like at work and at home. So it's pointless to compare yourself to them. You're just poisoning your own mind.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days/weeks/months that will lead to 10 steps forward. Other times, one step. Still other times, 3 steps fwd, 2 steps back. The important thing is that you're still stepping. And you're mindful about it, otherwise you wouldn't be conscious of where you're going.
Consider changing to a sangha that doesn't organize everything into levels. That's unusual; most don't do that. Also, spiritual growth isn't always linear, the way we tend to define "progress". It has eddies, detours, ups and downs. All of that is learning, though. If it's smooth sailing for some, honestly, one would suspect that they're missing something, they're glossing over a lot.
Everyone's process is unique. You're experiencing the uniqueness of your process. Dig it.
I practice anapanasati and I think my practice sucks too, I usually fall asleep lol, i'm not sure about my meditation practice anymore, I find it dreadfully boring, I can't help but feel that i'm missing something, the Buddha said in the first discourse that the middle way gives rise to knowledge and vision, and leads to peace, I realized recently that i'm not following the middle way, my main practice right now is trying to avoid the two extremes that the Buddha said should not be followed, its not easy though, i'm sure i'll find the middle way one day.
You should think about quitting smoking first.
There is an old story in Sufism, in which a Sheikh and his disciple are talking. The disciple tells his teacher of his lack of progress in the path, how he had been doing it for years, been saying the correct mantras, had been doing everything the Sheikh said he had to do, and had received no visions, no manifestations of progress at all. So the disciple was understandably upset, considering whether or not the whole thing was a waste of time and effort.
So the Sheikh, he tells the disciple that there is one more thing that he has to do. He has to take a bag of chestnuts (I think it was chestnuts), go to the middle of the town, and call out to the children, " Oh children, if you smack me once, I will give you a chestnut. If you smack me twice, I will give you two. If you smack me three times, I will give you more."
Well, the disciple gets mad. " I am a respected member of this community, everyone knows me, I cannot just go out there and make a fool of myself in that manner!"
The Sheikh then says to his disciple " It is not the teaching that is defective. You could fulfill the mantras and the instructions and the prayers as I have shown you for 33 more years. But until you can let go of yourself, you will make no progress in this path."
You can do all the outward tasks to which your practice demands, but you have to let yourself go first. Stop worrying about "when I will get what the others have." You have found some mindfulness, and that is good. But let yourself go. The things that have held you back, they are nothing more than those things which you have not allowed yourself to let go. And to be honest, those who surround you, well, they have the same problem, more than likely lol. So dont feel too bad.
From Rigdzin Shikpo's book Never Turn Away on page 28:
Just a Trick of the Mind
At times, there may not be very much going on in your mind. At other times, your mind is in turmoil and you want to be up and away. There might be a very strong emotion behind this that needs to be turned toward and acknowledged. Try not to allow any thoughts and feelings to get behind you and direct the meditation like a puppet master manipulating a puppet. It's very important to acknowledge all thoughts and feelings as just that, and not give them any special status.
In meditation there are generally three things going on. First, there is the object of meditation. Second, there is the person who seems to be meditating. Third, there is the judge commentator, who constantly takes the meditative temperature, determines whether we are winning or losing, when it's time to finish, and what to do next--the person in charge of events. It's like a seemingly reasonable person standing back and watching the meditation show through binoculars, deciding how well we are doing. But that commentator is not external to the stream of thoughts passing through our minds.
So when a particular set of thoughts or emotions gets behind you, realize it is just the trick of the mind. Everything is part of the practice. And any sense of someone directing events or making reasonable decisions is just another thought or feeling.
The whole basis of Buddhist meditation is to see the contents of our mind as they are without judging them. This is the first step, but in some sense, it's the whole thing. By doing that we begin to relate to our state of being, not just to the superficiality of our mind. And we don't allow the judgmental mind to send us scurrying off or convince us we are not suited to meditation. In fact, everybody is suited to this kind of meditation because, basically, all our minds are the same. Meditation is about relating to the mind in the simplest, most direct way possible. And while that might be irritating or seem difficult to do, any irritation and difficulty is equally just another part of the mind's display.
Meditation is part of our sanity as human beings. It is a natural function of the mind and , in some sense, a natural function of the body. There are other methods where you try to invent yourself as a better person, but that won't help you see the contents of your mind as they actually are. This meditation is about relating to the mind as simply and directly as we can. And as we sit quietly, experiencing our thoughts and feelings, we can be confident that this is not only something we need or want to do; it is part and parcel of being human.
I used to smoke, and on one of my first retreats I very nearly lit up a cigarette in the shrine room during a meditation session. Oops!
@LoveWins
Your post is wonderful. Maybe anger is the messenger, telling you "hey, kid, we aren't happy, its time to make a change!"
Which is great. If you weren't angry, you wouldn't have the motivation to get up and do something about it.
But maybe its not exclusively your spiritual practice that requires change. Don't forget to look outward. What is it about your behaviour (habits) or your circumstance (relationships/career/home) do you want to change? What are your underlying feelings about this? Have you been wounded long ago, and is your current suffering a reminder that you haven't yet tended to its care?
Where anger could be the messenger, suffering could be the internal map to discovering the truth of what and why you crave. Are you ready to be honest with yourself, especially if your discovery is life altering? Big steps require big changes, sometimes internally and externally.
Thankfully however, our practice helps us detach and cope. And our anger and sadness can eventually seam like good friends, always keeping us moving towards greater awareness.
And if they are fervently knocking on your door during a meditation, the message is probably important.