How to handle narcissist relative
rohit
Maharrashtra Veteran
What is good way to handle people who seems to be depressed but don't have any way to rescue from it. When we try to solve problems they keep repeating negative thoughts. When we advice they get hurt by our words which we are are not aware of , and they become our enemy because we have said something while advising and telling truth.
And when we avoid them they become our enemy and wish worst curse for us.
It's easy to avoid stranger but how to handle such people who are relative or working in same office. Major problem is they become our enemy and facing them becomes bone inside throat which can not be swallow or throw out.
Once a interviewer asked Trump " How do you deal with employees who do not listen you", Trump said "I do not deal with them anymore and now they are working for others". How we can go away and not hurt them at same time.
Is is better to keep quite. Or any other suggestion? please help. I would be very thankful.
Comments
You do the best you can, but there may come a point where you can't give any more. Sometimes people just aren't ready to hear the truth. Does this relative need professional help, and is there anyone else in the family who can help?
Be compassionate.
If you can't handle that person at the moment, don't force yourself to.
People here think that taking help of psycho therapists is serious problem therefore no use of it. Moreover person would becomes very angry if advised to take such treatment. Then even more curse need to face for this advice.
Everyone ended up as it is, after tried to help. Problem is feeling of revenge attitude in person for others for own mistakes. Just hanged up in life and don't want others to move in their respective lives.
That does happens sometimes when people are unhappy, frustrated and angry, they take it out on the people close to them.
@rohit
My sister is much as you mention in your first post. It is not easy or even possible to help. I am not a clinician but she seems to have had a complete psychotic breakdown. Suffers with depression and anxiety, has come out of therapy and off medication. Suffers with paranoid delusions. Completely negates any effort to help.
She is starting to accept that she had a breakdown, rather than being the victim of a conspiracy. I on the whole only engage with her when other family members are around and do not engage in the self referential negativity. Just leave it with her. This may seem unkind but the onus is now on her and progress is occuring because she has nowhere else to go. She must find a solution as she will not allow us to.
The possibilities of your situation may mean recognising that your well being is your primary responsibility and ultimately will ensure you can help when this is required or possible.
Good luck
@rohit - Approach the situation with compassion in your heart and listen deeply. Divert their attention, maybe with humour and/or light discussion. Offer your time, support and make them aware that you are here for them if they would like to talk.
Leave the ball in their court with no pressure on either of you.
@rohit -- By this time, the idea may have sunk in for you: These are not YOUR problems and solving someone else's problems is not possible. Yes, it may sound good and compassionate and all the rest, but there is a point at which your 'helpfulness' simply enables more of the same negative feedback. Just because this person sets him- or herself up for failure does not mean you have to do the same.
I think you can state your point of view -- eg. get professional help; I dislike indulging your negative approach, etc. -- quietly but firmly. Further, I think you can examine your own appreciation of what your 'help' actually accomplishes. Sometimes what passes for help is just adding more self-involved hindrance.
Take care of yourself.
Also, please do not 'diagnose' people and state they are narcissistic, or depressed.
There are eminent, professional expert psychologists and psychiatrists paid to do that.
The best way to approach someone who is moody, self-centred, irritable and obstinate, is to perceive that they are moody, self-centred, irritable and obstinate.
And think of them in compassionate terms.
When they go contrary to every good thing we try to say to them or do for them, and they still persist in their behaviour, say to yourself "This poor being is truly suffering and cannot see past their own pain. I accept their response and reflect Kindness and Compassion...."
Embrace their anxiety, contrariness and anger, and walk away from it unscathed.
Everything they think, say and do is hurting them 100 times more than it's hurting you.
Remember that.
It really is tricky business to try and cope with people in that shape. They can be like flypaper; you try to touch their lives in a helpful and meaningful way, but it can seem dangerous to your own well-being to interact like that. My mil was described as incompetent, when I described her to a good therapist. They are messed up for sure, so it would be best to stay as far away from them as possible ... they would term 'meddling' in their messed-up state of being. If I were you, I would be as pleasant as I can, but know they are in an unreachable sort of attitude - for now. You can always hope for them, and send out good vibes as it were, but accept your own limitations.
Gratitude Aunt Fede. I needed to hear that. Just in that way.
@federica
If we are in a garden, what do we see? Red flowers, yellow flowers, many shades of green. Some flowers may have thorns, some plants may grow in uncommon shapes. However, we don't think that any of these must be fixed, or handled. We just appreciate their beauty.
I think it's the same with people. Nobody needs fixing. What we can do is to decide if we are going to be with someone or not. If we decide to be with someone, we must do it wholeheartedly.
That's not always easy when we are talking about family members or work colleagues.
I've heard that 'nobody needs fixin'' before -- some really believe that -- I'm not so sure.
-- and comparing posies to peeps/poseurs is left wanting. (although my mother did call me her hot house posie' 
Thanks very much all for valuable help. It's very wise advice for me.
The best way I have found not to create animosity around me with people who present the character traits which have been described above is never to volunteer my opinion without it being requested, and being extremely cautious if I actually choose to offer my take on the situation.
I never assume I am above the person who asks for advice.
I never assume I am privy to the only possible good answer to a dilemma.
I never bother to rescue a person who has not asked to be rescued.
A person might be depressed even if you try to fix it for them. Usually just listen and let them be as they are.
And then other categories as @lobster mentions paranoi/delusion. I am schizophrenic and stable on meds. Maybe I can help more?