Meanness
misecmisc1
I am a HinduIndia Veteran
hi all,
in addition to the many other defilements in me like getting angry, lust etc, i am finding that i am very mean also. i do not like to say this thing, but honestly speaking i am a very mean kind of person. at my work-place, there are few colleagues who i feel i have some competition with - the competition is healthy, as we each try to showcase our strong hold on our programming-related skills. so when they ask something from me, i tell them but not the complete thing - so that i have some competitive edge over them. from today, we have got a change in sitting arrangement at work-place and those colleagues are sitting next to me from today (earlier there was some distance between our seats). today i was feeling slightly uncomfortable sitting next to them, may be because of my meanness, like when today my boss was speaking with me on some work-related topic, those other colleagues also jumped in the conversation to showcase their intelligence, as i and my colleagues have the same boss. the reason seems to be my fear of me losing my job if i don't show my competitive edge over my colleagues and show them that i am needed, as i have some information which others may not have. i know it is not good to not tell everything, when some colleague asks for my help, as it not being totally generous, but still when some colleague asks for my help, i still hide some information from them, so that i am in demand later also by not telling them the complete thing.
i am selfish and mean-hearted. so how to overcome my mean-heartedness and be open and totally helping to others? please suggest. thanks in advance.
Comments
Just by noticing, you have made a good start.
Don't forget to continue.
Have you ever considered giving your meanness away? For example to a Boddhisattva statue as an offering ...
Some Boddhisattvas go on special bonus pilgrimages to the hell realms. Meanness is considered a generous delicacy ...
Bring something else to the table/work environment. Just because it is standard to behave this way in your work place doesn't mean you can't upset the apple cart with some compassion. Who knows what ideas are not being thought up because people are unwilling to be open and share fully.
I do not think that you are doing anything wrong by telling incomplete information to your co workers because they do not pay you. There is no guarantee that they share all things they know. Now a days there is horrible lack of jobs so do your work and update knowledge for your own career.
But if i was your colleague i would have feel very uneasy to find that i am getting half info but it's not your problem.
Hi @misecmisc1 -- you are not their trainer -- you don't owe them anything except a little cordiality and basic manners. You're doing them a favor - let them figure some things out for themselves is better than handing your superior knowledge to them on a silver platter.
yesterday i also noticed strong aversion arising many times in my mind to change my seat, to sit at some other seat which would be at distance from my seat. there are some seats vacant at some distance from my seat, so if i want, then i can change my seat. the reason was still the meanness of my heart. the justification which was coming from inside me was if i would sit here at my current seat, then when my boss would come to speak to me, then these other colleagues would overhear our conversation and may jump in the conversation uninvited and show off to my boss (who is also their boss) that they are more smart and intelligent. moreover, our manager has changed in this month - our old manager got promoted and a senior colleague, who was a team-member to our earlier boss in our team, now has become our new manager, so obviously as he was a team-member till last year like all of us in the same team, so he may have more affinity towards my those colleagues with whom he had worked earlier - though on becoming our new manager, he has said that he would be acting without any bias towards anybody, so may be he would act without any bias and its my fear of job insecurity that is causing all this drama in my mind.
but today i again sat on the same seat and today i have not changed my seat. but the thoughts of changing my seat are still coming in my mind.
so how to remove meanness from my heart? please suggest. thanks in advance.
By your co-workers asking you questions that already shows that they have some respect for you as someone who knows more then they do. I think you are over-worried about them and you really shouldn't because we have no control over the actions of others. I believe you should do your job the best that you can. Have trust in karma. If you treat others well, they will have treat you the same as well or they will have bad karma in their mind. I was taught that there are four good qualities of a leader, 1) Caring 2) humor 3) honesty/fair/reasonableness 4) Humility. If one does not care about others, that person will not make it as a leader or be successful, or their success will not last long.
Metta to you
I have found that when I offer ten percent, people want the ninety percent I'm not giving them. When I offer ninety percent, people want the ten percent I'm not giving them. But when I offer everything to them freely, holding nothing back, people want to give one hundred percent to me. Really.
It's like the story of the thief who broke into a monastery and stole an expensive silver flatware set that had been donated. The abbot ran after the thief and caught up after some soldiers had seen the man running with a sack and stopped him. The soldiers assumed the man was a thief, held him and waited for the abbot to catch up. "Is this your silver?" the soldiers asked the abbot. "No, no," said the abbot, "the silver belongs to this man, but he dropped these two pieces and I was trying to catch up and return them." The thief followed the abbot back to the monastery, returned the silver and took vows.
I may have remembered the story poorly; perhaps someone has a better rendition.
Everybody's worried about their jobs these days, so it just adds more frustrations to your life and it's hard to tell our own motivations why this and why that and I agree with @namarupa that you worry too much about your co-workers and that there's only so much you can do to guarantee a positive outcome in the future for yourself, except you can only do your best, whatever you think that is.
No need to worry about how co workers deal with boss. They are doing there work to impress boss. Might steal your ideas to tell boss as those were there own.
In this case you can keep your knowledge to yourself to be in favour of boss.
But you also need to avoid envy from team members to be comfortable in office.
@misecmisc1
Got a couple of "not so easy" questions for ya.
Meanness is just a fear defending an attachment that feels threatened.
While there are all kinds of ways to psychologically apply make up over that meanness,
only by transcending the underlying threatened attachment can one remove its corresponding meanness from your heart. (Which is what you asked about)
So.....
Do you know what the attachment is that is being threatened, that is triggering your "Meanness" ?
&
How do you think a Buddhist would normally try to address that particular attachment?
You've had a lifetime to develop these bad mental habits, so have a little patience in breaking yourself from them. On top of that, many habits like attention-getting behavior and petty meanness were began as a child, a way of behaving you learned at home or with other children.
Start small and keep working at it. Don't beat yourself up but don't make excuses, either. The Dharma is telling you what the problem is and what you need to do to fix it. In the end, you'll be a happier person and the people around you will also be happier. You do realize your behavior also affects them, right?
damn, those questions are really hard. thank you for asking.
let me try to analyze it - the fear is of losing the job - well, i think losing the job is a fear, but it is not the only fear - the underlying attachment is that i will not get praise at the work-place - if i lose my job, then getting another job might be difficult, because i have seen the job postings for my experience level usually arise very less - this was my observation when 2 years ago i changed my job, as getting the next job opportunity was rare as the requirement itself was not arising at my number of years of experience level, rather the job requirements were for very less years of experience.
i think since i am too attached to my work - sitting all day with internet access - enjoying the challenges in work - so when i will have no job, then what will i do? how will i take care of my family?
but there is something else also - the fame and praise which i get from my boss for a job done, that fame and praise might be lost, as if i tell everything to others, then others will boast of that idea in front of boss in other situations and they would become favourites of boss, so the next assignment would be given to them - moreover, if company decides to lay off some persons, then since what i know that others will be knowing and because of those other persons getting new and exciting oppotunities, then i would be left behind doing routine assignments with not much challenge, so i will become an easy candidate for lay off. But i am attached to praise - as i like when my boss appreciates me for a job done well - and without job, in society meaning my family, my relatives, my wife's mother's relatives what will they think about me that why i was thrown out of job and being jobless i would loose respect in society.
it all comes down to building the sense of I in me - the bottomline attachment seems to be me getting disrespected, getting blame of being jobless, no praise, no fame because of me losing my job - as i already told in another post that i am not that kind of emotionally attached to my family and my parents - but i think i am still attached to my family as when i drop my daughter at school in morning and then go to office, i make sure that my little daughter stays in the nursery class-room till her teacher comes to class, but sometimes i have to go early to office, then i just drop my daughter at her class-room and say to her to not go outside the class-room and after that i leave for office, but inside my mind many thoughts of fear arise that what if my daughter goes out of the classroom and nobody notices it and she gets lost, then where will i find her and then i may loose her forever.
i am not a Buddhist - so i am saved from this another complex question
- but i think a Zen Buddhist by religion would be following the Hsin Hsin Ming which says - the Great Way is not difficult, just avoid picking and choosing. let go of longing and aversion and it reveals itself. but how to practically live it? please explain. thanks in advance.
@misecmisc1
Each moment offers us the choice of either
hunkering down or opening up,
of maintaining a wall between self and others or of actively disassembling that wall,
of taking up a protective adversarial stance or of being more inclusive of others.
A practice can just be the means of seeing that those choices exist, as often as possible.
What would be the best means for you to be reminded of those choices.
how should i remind myself of the above choices at my work-place? any suggestions please. thanks in advance.
From my experience, if you are open, honest and friendly at work people will want to work with you so you'll always have a job.
Even if you're not the best at what you do, managers and co-workers would rather work with someone they like, who is helpful and doesn't give them grief than someone who isn't like that even if they may be better at what they do.
Having said that, I am lucky enough to work in an industry where work is relatively plentiful. I am not sure if that's the case for you.
@misecmisc1
How should i remind myself of the above choices at my work-place? any suggestions please. thanks in advance.
Trying to address the conditioned behaviors that obscure our choices at work is not much different than trying to address them anywhere.
We have allowed our minds to co opt most of our input data towards supporting the dream of our ego's dominion to the point that data handling & manipulation is just a conditioned reflex.
A concentration exercise upon a sense gate other than the mind simply challenges our minds monopoly on it's own supremacy.
Here, the other choices become less obscured from view.
I'd suggest using the Goldy locks principle as a concentration exercise that should be just strong enough to remind you of your practice aims
but not so strong as to over power or obstruct any of your daily job duties.
Keeping some focus on some physical sensation aspect of your breathing would be one of the more common concentration exercises that can remove the minds tendency to obscure your other choices.