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How to end the suffering after the lose of parent
carolann
Explorer
Its 11 months since I lost my mum to cancer, I think about her every day, I miss her every day, I cry, I cling to the hope she's with me some how, how do I let her go and end this daily suffering? X
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You don't have to let her go to get over the suffering. It will pass and the memories of her pain can give way to memories of her joy.
11 months is not that long after the death of someone as significant as a parent. I lost a wife to cancer 10 years ago and every once in a rare while I still think about her and my experiences during that time.
everyone grieves differently, don't feel you need to put your recovery on a timeline. You will need to come to terms with the loss of your mother in your own way, on your own terms and in your own time.
There is a strong desire to still want some sort of connection, I remember that well, even though I did not necessarily believe in some kind of connection. To this day I find it interesting when a song that she loved and that I strongly connect to her comes on in the mall or some place, and I almost feel like she is communicating with me, but in all reality its most likely coincidence or my own desire for connection. We want to believe this connection and it is an especially strong desire so early in the grieving process.
According to Buddhism you'd be hard pressed to find a being who was not a relative at one point or another, it is quite conceivable that you have been close in previous lives and will be in future ones, but in the next life maybe YOU will be the mother, who knows?
lastly I just recently watched a wonderful little video that may help you feel a bit better, at least for a little while
@carolann
This might be of help 'Working with disturbing emotions in everyday life' Ven Robina Courtin
Metta
You are perfectly normal - your reactions and feelings, @carolann. And healthy.
There really is no reason to 'let her go' because she will always be in your memory because of your love for each other. Suffering goes on, and the thing about that is, you can learn through Buddhist practices to look at the loss of a loved one in a healthier way. It's hard to explain - until you go through it yourself. (I lost my only son about six-and-a-half years ago.)
You need to engage with her legacy. What advice would she offer? She would want you to be happier? You carry her understanding, her care for you AND her advice for the unhappy child. You can share that advice with us if you like or perhaps write it in a journal/blog.
I will be doing some Buddhist puja/prayer for you shortly. Others will too. Take comfort from that.
We don't ever simply end the suffering we feel after such a loss. It does get better, and when/how differs for everyone. it is something you will work with for the rest of your life at different times, and that is ok. Don't push away your feelings. It is ok to feel the loss and sorrow when it is needed. Just be a little careful of making a conscious choice of choosing to hold onto those feelings so that you are wallowing in them for long periods, doing things, watching things that MAKE you feel sad all the time. Grief counseling can be a wonderful thing as well, sometimes it is helpful to talk with someone who knows how you feel.
Not only is she in your memory, but she literally is always with you because she IS you. She gave you half her DNA. Even if she isn't a biological parent, people we are close to fundamentally change us in such a way that it alters our very DNA. They are always with us.
My 2 older children lost their dad 7 years ago. They were 12 and 6 at the time. They still have difficult times. Every milestone is a reminder that he is not here. But it is not as harsh and raw as it was 5 years ago. Our closeness to people leaves us vulnerable. And that is ok. That is where love and compassion come from. Give yourself a break. It is normal to struggle more when anniversaries, birthdays, holidays etc approach as well. Be gentle with yourself. What if you were instead your best friend? What advice would you give her?
I lost my mother at 12. 30+ years later I still think about her, but now instead of thinking about what I lost I focus on what I remember and I am happy for the time we did have and the memories I hold.
Remember the happy times you did have.
@Carolann. Honor both your grief and your tears. Eventually it all evens out. As others have said grief changes to happy memories. This was true for me. If you need to talk to your mom do so. Though no longer here in one sense she is still with you.
In Italian, mourning is translated as 'cordoglio' (core-doll-ee-o) which comes from the Latin, meaning 'pain of the heart'. And that describes it perfectly.
My father died in 2010. After 57 years of marriage, and having known him for over 60 years, my mother still misses him every single day, and while the passing of time has softened and mellowed her grief allowing her the freedom to breathe, socialise and participate in Life, again, the void she feels due to his absence is still very much in her heart and mind.
There are some things you never get over. And that's ok. It's fine, it's allowed.
The danger is in permitting this grief to dominate and control your life so that effectively, you give it up and spend it in anguish for the remainder of your waking days.
I think bereavement counselling would be an excellent idea, to help you develop a mechanism in which you can begin to clear th fog of your palpable and understandable grief.
"Letting Go" does not mean abandoning your mother's memory, or trivialising it and making light of it.
Letting go means liberating yourself from a burden that prevents you from continuing your life joyfully - as I'm certain she would heartily wish you would.
We wish you well, and want only Joy for you.
My Mom passed in 2009 and Dad in 1980. I've lost others as well.
I promise it does get easier though there will be some days you still miss her years later.
Life is bitter sweet and one thing is for sure. If she was the one that outlived you, it would be worse.
My father passed away ten years ago, and my mother two years ago.
Like others have said above, the initial grief was very hard, but has been replaced with gratitude for the time I did have with them, for the love they showed to each other, and myself and my siblings. There are days when a certain sad melancholy creeps in, but they are few, and far between now. Mostly just fond memories of happy, and even funny moments.
I lost my mother five years ago and my father three years ago. I loved my mom so and he was my best friend, and everyday I still miss them both. But on good days, missing them isn't suffering for their loss...
Thank you all..... I just can't imagine this life with out her here, I don't yet believe she is gone, she was such a big part of the family, she held us all together some how..... X
@carolann have you explored the Buddhist concepts of "Karma & Rebirth"...The deeper one delves into these concepts through meditation practice, the more peace will come to the mind....moment to moment experiential understanding arises....
Metta