Building self love
Mingle
Veteran
How do you actually do it? Heaven's I can't. I am an extremely insecure person and I always have been. I want to change but it ain't easy. I am almost 30 years of age and I still have the confidence of a school boy. Something has got to change. For the best part of this decade I have been obsessed with testosterone, my hair and my look's. If someone suggests I am inadequate in any of these things it bums me out for days.
I can't keep on like this, I'm scared now that it is coming out in unhealthy ways. Any female that gives me the slightest bit of attention I just latch on to them, fall head over hills and it makes me feel worse. I don't even know if I'll make 40 if I can't change my outlook on life.
I have tried counseling CBT, the gym and I have been a Buddhist for over 3 years now. I have given up any social media through belief it involves self hatred but I can't shake it.
Yes I can have spouts of confidence but it always based on shallow superficial things. I have never attained that inner confidence though that is just happy with itself no matter what is on the outside. Just seems what ever I do I'm doomed to walk this earth feeling like a beta.
Comments
I think you don't need counselling, I think you need therapy. However, as things currently appear, you may well develop therapist-attachment and latch onto this person as a life-saver.
How long did you continue counselling/CBT for?
The big problem is - you think you're alone and unique.
Let me tell you - you're not.
I'd be willing to bet a pound to a ton of suttas, that every single person on this forum - myself included, is, or at some point has had, some level of insecurity and lack of self-worth.
Degrees differ, but one thing is for sure: We are all human, and as such, we are all painfully aware of where we fall down in our own estimation.
Your situation has taken years to develop, so don't expect overnight success, because it's not going to happen. Nothing personal ever does.
Rachmaninov couldn't play a note, once. He didn't just sit down one day, and play this....
But once he began learning, he never stopped practising, even though he is one of the most famous, renowned and celebrated pianist composers to have lived.
He continued practising scales right throughout his life, so nobody ever crossed their arms and looked in the mirror thinking "My work here is done."
EVERYONE is 'work in progress'.
This may take you years to climb on top of.
But as with everything patience, practice and perseverance does the trick.
Or as my wonderful dad was wont to say 'Patience and perseverance will fuck a flea.'
Find a good therapist. Put your trust in them, but do the work.
They won't cure you. They have their own hang-ups too.
Everyone does, no matter who. Tall short, famous unknown - everyone has an 'issue' or two.
No-one is perfect, or perfectly satisfied with their imperfections.
Be the best you can.
Get help, but row away from the rocks.
Having and maintaining confidence (the real thing?) is a bit of a roller-coaster ride for most. That's what I believe, anyway. As @federica said, you're not alone - far from it.
A good woman/person will forgive you for being human.
Sitting cross legged on a meditation cushion doing metta meditation.
Often it's difficult to be kind to yourself. Think of the ways in which you suffer, and recognise that you too deserve the kindness that you have for other people. We often judge ourselves more harshly than we would judge a friend, but we do ourselves an injustice by not extending the loving kindness and generous spirit we have for others to ourselves as well.
Recognizing the ways you suffer around these things is an important first step that a lot of people are never able to take. But actually changing things does take time and persistence. Those of us who have been around Buddhism for a while have seen it in ourselves and others though that change is not only possible but inevitable for those who do the work.
Confidence comes in having success in all our various ventures. Seek out small things and recognize when you succeed at them, and build from there. What those are will vary greatly by person. For some, a week of daily showers and putting on clean clothes is a success. For others it is getting out for a short walk every day because they recognize that fresh air is vital to their well-being. Find something, anything, that makes you feel good because you know you made a good choice, and do it regularly.
To add to the above, this is a little bit long and is mostly aimed at fitness but can be applied at anything. The guy is a classmate of mine and has always been a super-motivated individual. I wish I was that way, lol. But I found this to be a good way to focus in on some things that are important and make you feel good about your life. It's so easy to not have a focus because our lives are so jam-packed with stuff. Find a few things that are important to you because you know, on your best days, that they make you feel your best. Those are the things that then carry you through the bad days, but they don't work if you can't be consistent.
https://tomnikkola.com/non-negotiable-willpower/
For me, meditation is one of my non-negotiables. No matter what my day brings, meditation comes first. I do it before I look at work emails, before I turn on the tv, before I even make my son's lunch for school. Because I know it carries me through my day, including my attitude about making lunch and getting them ready in the morning. I do dishes every evening, no matter how badly I don't feel like it. Because I know waking up to a clean kitchen is important to me. Because dealing with a messy kitchen while I make breakfast and school lunch is so aggravating it ruins my whole morning because my mood goes to crap. I get fresh air every single day, even if it's pouring or -40F.
Look at the smaller things that you can change immediately because you know the positive effect they have on you. And stop making excuses about why you don't have time to do them. If they are that important, then they have to come first. And they influence your entire day. Taking care of ourselves is one of the main ways we love ourselves.
@Mingle "One suffers because one clings"
A simple enough statement... but the deeper one delves into it, one could begin to loose one self in it....
In the beginning the Path is hard to follow, because throughout life we have been conditioned with "What's in it for ME" and the thought of having to let go of the "ME"/self (and all the selves who sail in her) can be terrifying, hard for "ME" (the self) to handle....
Plus in the beginning impatience is also a big obstacle ...."I want it NOW"
Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche has some sound advice when it comes to Dharma practice
To build self-love one has to know the self...
"To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things. When actualized by myriad things, your body and mind as well as the bodies and minds of others drop away. No trace of enlightenment remains, and this no-trace continues endlessly."
~Dogen~
@Mingle the intellect is just the springboard into the void and in this void all things are possible ...
Use the intellect to 'study' the Dharma and meditation to 'study' the Mind...
@Mingle, as for Buddhist solutions, lovingkindness and contemplation of feelings seem the go-tos, but I’ve found contemplation of the unattractiveness of the body most -- unexpectedly -- effective for balancing out insecurities like these. It’s counterintuitive, but I think it works like a public speaker advised to alleviate stage fright by undressing the audience, only with unattractiveness you don’t stop at the clothes. I guess it has a way of putting things into a different perspective that acts as a counterweight.
It can take men takes ages to mature, or so I have heard.
But seriously, have you tried metta bhavana practice? https://www.wildmind.org/metta/one
That's good advice, that unattractiveness of the body can address insecurities especially between men and women as well... for men there is a temptation to put women on a pedestal, but when you get right down to it we are both skinfuls of bones, blood, excrement and gal. Both equally unattractive
Several days ago I ran across this quote from Florence and the Machine's video Delilah. It's been rattling around my brain since then, and seems appropriate, though I'm not sure how well it fits into Buddhist thought with the references to faith and soul.