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Compassion and the opposite sex

NamadaNamada Veteran
edited March 30 in General Banter

I just want to raise a small matter.
When you practice Buddhism, you attract ladies. I have one problem here because a lady at work has fallen in love with me, and I don't flirt, just talk to her naturally, laugh, etc. But she is married and has two children. I said I do not want to cross any lines here, we are only friends. She obviously agreed. But it's not just her, but others as well. All this is just harmless, but maybe there are others here who is experiencing the same thing?

Comments

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Did she expressly tell you she is in love with you? Have the 'others' you mention also expressed that emotion?

  • NamadaNamada Veteran
    edited March 31

    Only she has said so. She had thought about it for months that she had to tell it sometime. I hadn't thought it was so serious. Because neither I nor she can stay together or want it.

    Others whether it's boys or girls, tend to stick to me, I'm just fine, don't try to be anything special. Just smile, hear how they are, and be open-minded without judging them.
    Compassion is maybe a double edged sword...

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Honestly? Let it go and ignore it. As long as you make your position clear and don't alter your behaviour or attitude in any misleading way, any further complications are down to the person in question to address. Don't look at people as Male Female. Look upon them as human beings with whom you share friendship..
    If this woman's friendship becomes more inten6, and you detect the underlying suggestion of something closer, then I personally feel it ma sadly be politic for you to state that NY further embroilment is out of the question, and you will need to distance yourself from the friendship....

    lobster
  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    Practice involves harder forms of compassion too
    https://buddhaweekly.com/tantric-wrathful-deities-the-psychology-and-extraordinary-power-of-enlightened-beings-in-their-fearsome-form/

    Solutions are easy enough ... but you are probably quite attached to the attractive presentation ...

    federica
  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    When you practice Buddhism, you attract ladies.

    You attract what you smile into being. Cats, good luck, ripening karma, butterflies and birds. The trick is not to take it personally or ideally, at all ...

    federica
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    I have to say, my practising Buddhism has never had the result of attracting the fellas...
    Either you're seeing things where things ain't, or you're doing it wrong (too overt and blatantly obvious).
    One of the points of practice, is that you can't see the join... where Life and Practice meet.
    If you honestly believe that practising Buddhism is some kind of a babe magnet then perhaps the onus is on you, to change your MO.

    lobster
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    I like that. A lot. "Kick-ass Compassion " my kinda guys...! ;)

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @federica said:
    practising Buddhism is some kind of a babe magnet

    I have to say, i’ve had various reactions to saying in conversation that I’m into Buddhism. It seems to depend on the setting, in professional places it’s usually a ‘meh’ but in yoga classes it got huge smiles from some ladies. I don’t think it is a ‘babe magnet’ :grin: as such, but you’re revealing a lot about yourself which may help you connect to people.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited March 31

    It awakens a realisation in women that not ALL men are total fucktards. There are some good guys around, and if they're not married, they're in the running and fair game.
    It's rather like eligible bachelors borrowing a baby or a puppy and taking them for a walk in the park.
    Babe magnet.
    Unless the guy is gay.
    For some women, that's a bonus.

    None of the above is a joke. Seen it happen more times than you could shake a stick at.
    It could be a mitigating factor in why some ordained men unfrock.

    paulysoVastmind
  • KundoKundo Sydney, Australia Veteran

    We need more reaction buttons here....

  • paulysopaulyso usa Veteran

    @Namada said:
    I just want to raise a small matter.
    When you practice Buddhism, you attract ladies. I have one problem here because a lady at work has fallen in love with me, and I don't flirt, just talk to her naturally, laugh, etc. But she is married and has two children. I said I do not want to cross any lines here, we are only friends. She obviously agreed. But it's not just her, but others as well. All this is just harmless, but maybe there are others here who is experiencing the same thing?

    sorry cant say im babe magnet,nor a fucktard,federica's phraise.but just be-ing.but still a hoot, woman i don't know laugh or smile. and they say terms of endearement like sweety or my dear does feel good.

  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited April 3

    OP, I don't understand why you're associating your social success with Buddhism. Could you elaborate further on that? Was there a sudden change, after you became a Buddhist? There are plenty of jerks in Buddhism, too, as the various abuse scandals currently being exposed and investigated document. I'm curious, now, to see if our other male posters here noticed a sudden increased interest from the ladies, after beginning their study and practice of Buddhism.

    I'm really more inclined to think, that you were an interesting, or pleasant, and attentive, person to hang out with all along.

    KundoVastmind
  • adamcrossleyadamcrossley Veteran
    edited April 3

    I can’t say I noticed any change, but then I was with my girlfriend before I became a Buddhist.

    But let’s entertain your premise for a moment, @Namada, which is basically that Buddhism can make you more compassionate, and that compassion is an attractive quality. Why would it be a “double-edged sword”, as you say?

    For a start, I wouldn’t assume it was your compassion that has destabilised this woman’s relationship; it must have had its problems beforehand. I meet lovely, compassionate people all the time and don’t fall in love with them.

    If you’re being open and warm with people and listening to them, that sounds great. Maybe you’re joining a couple of dots that are only a part of a larger picture, which is you becoming more compassionate and experiencing greater harmony with those around you.

    Kundo
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited April 3

    @Dakini said: OP, I don't understand why you're associating your social success with Buddhism.

    I'm sure to be wrong, and if definitely thus proven, I apologise; but (from hindsight experience) I would surmise and suspect there may be a little bit of Male ego at play here.
    I'm not suggesting it's either conscious or deliberate. But, in the words of Molly Parkin, ('Uptight')

    "well, no guy ever told a woman to shut up while she was telling him how great he was"... ;)

    (Portrait of the Author)

    VastmindKeromeDakini
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran

    I’ve actually found I have more female friends since I discovered the Dharma. Women generally have more of an interest (in the West anyway). But I can’t say it has increased the attention from a relationship point of view for me!

    Kundo
  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    Compassion is maybe a double edged sword...

    Not when Manjushri teaches all the best dharma cuts ... ?‍♂️?‍♂️

    For example I am irresistible but only to Buddhas, Tara, Manjushri and Mahākāla (who I resemble most closely in my wer-lobster form) ?

    Maybe you are related to the Buddhas half sister
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nanda_(Buddhist_nun)

    Alex
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited April 5

    @adamcrossley said:
    I can’t say I noticed any change, but then I was with my girlfriend before I became a Buddhist.

    But let’s entertain your premise for a moment, @Namada, which is basically that Buddhism can make you more compassionate, and that compassion is an attractive quality. Why would it be a “double-edged sword”, as you say?

    For a start, I wouldn’t assume it was your compassion that has destabilised this woman’s relationship; it must have had its problems beforehand. I meet lovely, compassionate people all the time and don’t fall in love with them.

    If you’re being open and warm with people and listening to them, that sounds great. Maybe you’re joining a couple of dots that are only a part of a larger picture, which is you becoming more compassionate and experiencing greater harmony with those around you.

    But that isn't the OP's premise. He hasn't said anything about Buddhism making him more compassionate, and this compassion making him more attractive to women. That's why I asked him for his reasoning, for attributing the attention he's getting to his Dharma practice.

    I think we should let the OP respond, rather than projecting our own theories onto him. I'm curious how his behavior, or "vibe" or whatever has changed, if it in fact has, since his setting out on the Path.

  • @Dakini, I take your point. We must have read his posts differently. We’ll see how it develops I guess.

  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited April 5

    @adamcrossley said:
    @Dakini, I take your point. We must have read his posts differently. We’ll see how it develops I guess.

    I see where you're coming from, now. You inferred from his thread title, that he views compassion as the key element in his experience. (Very astute of you, haha, I missed it! :blush: ) But I'd still like to see the OP flesh out his topic, and describe whatever transformation he feels he's undergone, that may be making a difference in how he relates to others. I think it could be very interesting, and would enrich the discussion.

    adamcrossley
  • ZeroZero Veteran

    @Dakini said:
    ...that isn't the OP's premise. He hasn't said anything about Buddhism making him more compassionate, and this compassion making him more attractive to women.

    I'm curious, now, to see if our other male posters here noticed a sudden increased interest from the ladies, after beginning their study and practice of Buddhism.

    I read the compassion angle as being compassion for the opposite sex in misconstruing the relationship and falling in love; not that practice leads to compassion which leads to interest from the opposite sex.

    It's interesting when one attributes an effect to one particular cause.
    For example, I pour a glass of water, take it to the table and knock it over.
    Is the effect (wet floor) caused by my loss of coordination or lack of attention? or is it caused by the half bottle of vodka I consumed? or is it because I used a tall glass that's easier to knock over? Or because I paid my water bill and there was water in the first place? Or that I need to drink water at all...
    Causation is based on remoteness which is based on statistical significance which is an expedience in negotiating chaos.

    There are many reasons why people are attracted to each other - I'm not sure to what extent practice may play a part... I'm sure it may assist in many ways but equally it could also be a hindrance in many ways... it's tough categorising the 'opposite sex' as a group that behaves homogenously in every eventuality.

  • DakiniDakini Veteran

    @Zero said:

    I read the compassion angle as being compassion for the opposite sex in misconstruing the relationship and falling in love; not that practice leads to compassion which leads to interest from the opposite sex.

    Interesting. We definitely need clarification from the OP. :)

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