It is my understanding that that the only thing standing between me and realizing my true nature is my attachment to the illusion of a separate self. I share that not to convince anyone that my illusory way of framing is preferable to yours – it’s all crap, but to frame a question. I’ve found that belief rather frustrating because for pretty much my whole life, enlightenment was the dream… oooh, I could make some pithy comment now referencing ‘the dream’…
Anyway, last night I had an experience. Then afterwards, I do what I always do and use it for a jumping off point for thoughts. Not helpful, I know, but in the interest of honesty… During that experience, I felt like I was given an engraved invitation; but rather than walking through, I realized I wasn’t ready. I really didn’t want it more than I wanted anything like I’ve told myself my entire life. Cool. I’m learning how to be honest with myself; that can’t be a bad thing.
So here I am (avoiding another pithy comment – lol), willing to be willing…but not willing. I want to suffer just one more time – then I’ll be ready. Feel free to experience nausea and laughter so you can share in this with me. Truth be told, it’s not surprising I suppose. Had I truly been ready, it would have happened – so the writing was on the wall I’ve been sitting in front of.
Any tips on moving from ‘willing to be willing’ to ‘willing’?