I sit here clearing my mind like trying to scoop water out of a sandy hole too close to the lake's edge. It keeps filling and with thoughts that cause suffering.
I sit here busying myself with reading and videos and experiences but I feel the shade of my self-oriented lens making everything seem darker.
I sit here providing myself allowance for how I feel and radiating acceptance and compassion but the calm that arises feels like an unwanted touch of a repulsive kind.
I am finding myself doing these things halfheartedly because in this moment there is part of me drawn to the suffering.
Part of me wants to hurt.
Why? I have to meditate further on this.
In this moment my method is not robust and I am split between being OK and not OK with it. A sort of paralysis in the midst of suffering.
I want to honor myself but also return to the path quickly.
I want to honor myself but remain here in the suffering for a little longer.
What are your methods when found in this type of space?
Back to the breath...back to the suffering...back to the breath...back to the suffering...back to the...