Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Thank you @Jeroen. Yes, I think you are very correct with the time needed for a sleep regime to settle down. I'm on day two, so far so very good (falling asleep fast and early), but need to stick to it, which is not always my strength.
Today I find myself very stressed so will skip my usual longer post.
Yesterday I finished reading the book I'm reading.
Today I already completed a difficult work related task which is excellent.
I also plan to send the 120 work-related promotional e-mails I need to send and exercise.
Today I am trying an experiment: just to be productive all day. Even "active rest" counts (not mindless scrolling). Kind of a "hurry slowly" attitude and see what happens.
@marcitko said:
Today I am trying an experiment: just to be productive all day. Even "active rest" counts (not mindless scrolling). Kind of a "hurry slowly" attitude and see what happens.
How does it work in practice? What's active rest like for you?
I'm enjoying your positive attitude of not striving for perfection and identifying some healthy differences between what you desire to accomplish and what you are able to accomplish on the day. That's something I could certainly practice more.
@marcitko said:
Today I am trying an experiment: just to be productive all day. Even "active rest" counts (not mindless scrolling). Kind of a "hurry slowly" attitude and see what happens.
How does it work in practice? What's active rest like for you?
"Active rest". I'm not quite sure what I mean either but I'd say it's doing something relaxing that's deliberate and wholesome? I can watch a movie that I actually want to watch or I can just watch any movie just to make some noise and "run away". I can open Facebook and contact someone I'd enjoy talking to or I can mindlessly scroll my feed. I can go to Youtube and deliberately look for videos on topics I am trying to learn or that interest me or I can watch the first video that grabs my attention just to pass the time. I can go for a walk without a destination, just for fun, I can read a good book (as I did today), I can watch the clouds go by, I can make a good meal, I can call someone just to talk without a reason..."Active rest" - I'm still exploring - but it makes sense today.
I'm still here, still struggling. Some wins, some losses. Far from perfect.
Today I'm thinking about effort in a positive direction vs perfectionism. On one hand, it's good to have high aspirations, good "perfect" role-models. On the other, observing my failings and inadequacies, it can lead to defeatism and even inaction. The best way, as it seems to me now, is to continue in the positive direction with as much effort as I can muster, day-in-and-day-out, but forgive my failings and forgive that I'm not "there yet" and have much still to do. Just do, just continue.
Phycological aids to address suffering's causes can be likened to teaching a non-swimmer how to tread water when they find themselves in water over their head.
It can be an undeniable lifesaver compared to drowning in that moment of danger.
Spiritual aids to addressing suffering's causes can be likened to teaching a non-swimmer how to swim. Here, an effective rescue of either oneself or others becomes an instinctive reflex whenever the possibility of drowning arises.
May each present moment of choice, partake of one or the other.
Thank you very much for your comments @how, @bunks, @jeroen. I don't know why I had a gap - I think I felt a bit foolish writing a kind of diary online. But it is good practice and it helps and with your encouragement I will continue.
Yesterday I was at a friend's birthday party (the kind with kids and little drinking). I drank 2 beers and now, naturally, I am slightly hungover. I have not been drinking except on very rare occasions for 5+ years, also because I do not tolerate it well any more (get hangovers and destroy the next day easily). Similarly to the coffee, this is another example of doing what I know will impact me negatively.
After watching a very good Youtube channel on anxiety, I have a new approach to it. I just try to allow everything - the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the sometimes a bit quirky behaviour. Often, this immediately alleviates it. If this does not help, then I label it: "this is just anxiety", "these are just intrusive thoughts"... "it's OK". Together, these two practices seem to help greatly and I am happy to have found them. Would such "allowing" be the same as "surrendering" as explained in spiritual circles? Seems so to me. I just want to note that this is very different to suppressing.
Today is a holiday and I will be going to a friend's barbecue. With my anxiety higher due to being slightly hungover and there being lots of people there which again increases it, I expect higher than normal levels of anxiety. My only job today is to go (not chicken out) and to keep allowing and labelling if I feel uncomfortable. Kind of "exposure therapy". And to not drink.
Before I leave, I plan to: take a cold shower, exercise at home (it's raining outside), and meditate. This should help get me in the best possible state of mind.
@FleaMarket said:
Take a comforting breath with you
Also if you have some B-vitamins they help a lot with hang overs.
Thank you very much @FleaMarket. Along with other vitamins, I take vitamin B daily, since I also read that it helps with anxiety.
Yesterday's barbecue was a great success since I felt very normal and ordinary and did not experience much anxiety. I came with the attitude to allow everything and was quite OK with being a mess - and that seems to help the mess not happening. On occasion I had some negative or anxious thoughts but just told myself to allow them and not make a big deal out of them. That too helped them pass quickly.
However, I notice that these days I am quite the introvert. When I was younger I was much more of an extrovert. I read a nice explanation for this dichotomy in that extroverts start the day with zero "coins" and with each social interaction they gain a "coin". Introverts start the day with five "coins" and with each interaction lose a "coin" until they lose all the coins and must regenerate on their own. After the barbecue I felt tired and depleted and needed to regenerate. I wish I was more of an extrovert as I used to be
Today and for the next two days I am participating virtually in a job-related conference. My only job for these three days is to participate in the events where I'm only listening, try to get the maximum from the experience, and not chicken out from the more social events in which I need to - OMG - actually talk to strangers. I am currently a bit overwhelmed by the technical side of it, the platform seems quite confusing and complex, but will tinker with it until I figure it out and feel comfortable. I notice that when I am feeling overwhelmed my brain seems to function less well. Wish me luck!
A spiritual teacher once told me that a nice way to see yourself as you are (and in this way combat the negative ideas you have about yourself) is to film yourself. I did that previously and always thought that I come across much better than I perceive myself. I just watched the video presentation we recorded for the conference and had the same reaction. For instance, the anxiety that I feel, does not appear to be visible in the video - yet I always think that everyone can spot it immediately.
After watching a very good Youtube channel on anxiety, I have a new approach to it. I just try to allow everything - the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the sometimes a bit quirky behaviour. Often, this immediately alleviates it. If this does not help, then I label it: "this is just anxiety", "these are just intrusive thoughts"... "it's OK". Together, these two practices seem to help greatly and I am happy to have found them. Would such "allowing" be the same as "surrendering" as explained in spiritual circles? Seems so to me. I just want to note that this is very different to suppressing.
That's what I used to do. "It's not real, it's just brain chemistry. You can ignore it."
It's just brain chemistry, because it means my brain is not producing or not processing chemicals like serotonin and dopamine correctly. You are still left with the physical sensations that anxiety brings with it, but you don't have to worry about it. Just let it be what it is.
@zorro said:
That's what I used to do. "It's not real, it's just brain chemistry. You can ignore it."
It's just brain chemistry, because it means my brain is not producing or not processing chemicals like serotonin and dopamine correctly. You are still left with the physical sensations that anxiety brings with it, but you don't have to worry about it. Just let it be what it is.
This is interesting.. I bet anxiety attacks make good meditation objects.
I'm applying to a market to work in their gardens center this summer. I haven't worked for 17 years due to health reasons aka staying at home made more sense. It can be stressful to interview (I have interviewed over the years) and I am borrowing:
After watching a very good Youtube channel on anxiety, I have a new approach to it. I just try to allow everything - the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the sometimes a bit quirky behaviour. Often, this immediately alleviates it. If this does not help, then I label it: "this is just anxiety", "these are just intrusive thoughts"... "it's OK". Together, these two practices seem to help greatly and I am happy to have found them. Would such "allowing" be the same as "surrendering" as explained in spiritual circles? Seems so to me. I just want to note that this is very different to suppressing
These ideas going into writing out my application handing to the hiring manager and possibly interviewing. I'm going to do what I control, try to observe to learn, and know that things happen as they do and when they do.
Yesterday's conference was mostly a great success. The two highlights were:
not chickening out (I nearly did) from the "speed networking" session. It consisted of three 10 minute sessions with 3 other random people. I felt a bit awkward but noticed that everyone did. In the end, I enjoyed it very much and wished it had gone on for longer.
The following event falls within the category of events I call "meteors in the night" - totally unexpected beautiful events that leave me in awe and gratitude: through the Fellowship I received, we were each appointed a more experienced mentor. My mentor just became the President of the whole association and held his first speech. His talk was superb and I immediately decided to congratulate him via e-mail. But then it got better: in his short 5 minute talk, he spent maybe a minute and a half talking about... mental health! How everyone is valued and has a place in the industry. I could not believe that this was actually happening and nearly cried. I sent him the congratulatory e-mail and told him that I struggle with mental-health. This is something I wanted to do even previously, since I believe that if he is to really help and mentor me, he should have the whole picture. Now, naturally, I am anxious about how he will take it
The only negative aspect was that I did not understand some sessions since they were about things with which I do not have much experience.
Today is the final day of the conference and as before my only job is to participate in everything. Including in the "round-table" which, again, I would rather avoid.
To combat social anxiety, inspired by the success of the "speed networking", in the next few days I will try out https://www.omegle.com/ This is a platform for talking to strangers via video. It might be good practice to have one such chat daily until it becomes easy.
That's what I used to do. "It's not real, it's just brain chemistry. You can ignore it."
It's just brain chemistry, because it means my brain is not producing or not processing chemicals like serotonin and dopamine correctly. You are still left with the physical sensations that anxiety brings with it, but you don't have to worry about it. Just let it be what it is.
Yes! This way we do not go into second and third and fourth etc. levels of anxiety. Anxiety about anxiety about anxiety. We can "go back to living" as the YT channel says, even if there is some residual discomfort.
@Jeffrey said:
I'm applying to a market to work in their gardens center this summer. I haven't worked for 17 years due to health reasons aka staying at home made more sense. It can be stressful to interview (I have interviewed over the years)
I found it helpful when I realized that I am not required to tell them everything. They are not telling me everything, so why should I. I do not lie, but find it's OK to give deflective half-answers that are still true. For instance, you might say that you had a gap in working "for personal reasons", "for health reasons", "I was a home-maker"... most probably they will not ask anything further since it would be rude and prying. I reserve "the truth and nothing but the truth" for family, friends, and spiritual friends.
With the barbecues, the conference, the weird sleep schedule etc., I have not been very disciplined with my eating for the past week. So I was afraid I had put on weight - and even felt fatter. But to my amazement this morning the scale showed that I have LOST an additional 1kgs. Very happy about that! 6kgs down, 14kgs more to go My method is very simple - eat clean ("don't eat stupid shit") and exercise. I try to exercise daily but in practice that comes out to around 3/5ths of days. I am interpreting the fact that I feel fatter as a psychological readiness for losing more weight.
Today I am going to a) take a cold shower and meditate b) have lunch with my mother c) cycle to a shop that works on Sundays to buy a birthday present - which will be my sport for the day and d) go to a friend's son's birthday party.
My job is to allow and accept uncomfortable feelings (primarily anxiety) and be OK with not being OK at times. If that does now work - just label and accept - it's no big deal.
I listened to a podcast yesterday with an American CEO whom I did not particularly like but he did say one thing worth emulating: "I am consistently consistent - that's my secret". I am not consistent but would very much like to be. I did have a phase of about 2 years about 4 years ago when I was - and this was my best phase in the last decade. It's like consistency is a muscle, like everything else, you do do do do, and it becomes easier and second nature. And your overall functioning and wellbeing improves dramatically.
I put down on paper yesterday the things which I would need to let go of in order to lead a clean life. Leading a clean life is something which I would very much like to do. If nothing else, it leads to a clean conscience, but I know it has much wider positive consequences. My reaction was that the things I need to let go of are not that big or difficult - at least in theory
1
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
How has it been going the last few days @marcitko ? Are you feeling well?
Hi @Jeroen - the past few days have been OK overall and excellent in the sense that I think I've found a way to fight against the anxiety via the methods as explained by the excellent YT channel I follow. There is hope and already some progress.
As I write, I am practising a new morning routine, in that I will a) cold shower b) journal c) meditate for 10 minutes and d) exercise (mostly run for at least 30 minutes). I would like my morning routine to be free from coffee and cigarettes but to start I've allowed myself half a coffee and two cigarettes (since those habits in the morning are so strong).
Today I woke up bright and early, I am a bit tired, but have a good plan for the day and hope to be productive.
I am trying to apply the method as explained on the overcoming-anxiety YT channel.
The acronym is ALARM which stands for:
A - Acknowledge - Note and observe the symptom, do not deny or suppress
L - Label- Give it a name, either a general "anxiety" or something more specific
A - Accept/Allow - Just let it be there, say "OK" to it, do not try to fix it or go down mental rabbit holes.
R - Refocus - Refocus on something other than the symptom
M - Move on - Move on with your activities/day.
I find the first three steps very good, beneficial and easy. The allowing is very good, it results in a relaxing, which, according to the YT channel, leads to the gradual desensitizing of the nervous system. It makes sense, we relax in the face of something that the anxiety keeps telling us is a great big problem. An overly sensitized nervous system is the cause of anxiety, according to the channel, and went out of whack in the past when the body reached its "stress overload level". After that, it got stuck in "danger mode". We recalibrate the nervous system by relaxing in the face of the faulty signals that it is sending and doing what we want/need to do anyway, not giving in to the "run away" signal. This all makes sense to me.
However, I have trouble with the refocusing and moving on, since I've developed a habit of often being passive due to "not feeling good enough". The instructions are to refocus on something else and move on (do something else) even if you feel lousy. "Whatchya mean I have to do this thing when I'm feeling so lousy?!". But I do believe this must be the correct way. I cannot be running away and hiding all of my life - this is actually anxiety being in control - not me.
Yesterday, using this method, I was doing well and being productive until about half the day when I just could not make myself do a hard job-related task. And since then I've not recovered my energies. Hopefully, I will soon.
The good development from watching the YT channel is that for the first time I have hope that anxiety can be cured. I've tried many different things previously, but never got the message that it can actually be cured. That's an excellent development.
Today I've done my morning routine in part, am going to lunch with a friend, have a Zoom call with a professional mentor, and will be working after that.
I slept poorly today and am feeling more anxious than usual. I have a lot of work-related stuff to finish, which I postponed previously (bad habit to remedy), so must do that today even if I do not feel very well. I will report in the evening if I was successful or not - since that's my most important goal for the day.
For the past few days I have been trying to implement a new morning routine with the general idea of having one wholesome hour in the morning. Cold shower + journal + meditate 10 minutes + run 30 minutes. No smoking or coffee during this time. I've been successful with doing the things, but am slowly tapering off the coffee and cigarettes. The latter has been more difficult than I imagined since I've been doing those for so long.
The idea is that once the first hour is good and a habit, then I can add another wholesome hour. Say, work for an hour on the most important task of the day without postponing. In this way, in theory at least, I could create a whole wholesome and positive and intentional day.
Sometimes we can find ourselves, in the ardor of a practice, acting as if we are a millipede with a washcloth on every appendage reaching out to clean up everything, everywhere, when all that is really called for is to pay attention to whatever mess is immediately presenting in front of us, in this passing nanosecond and is within our scope to actually address.
In Zen parlance, it is the difference between approaching a room that needs to be cleaned with endless plans on how to do it....instead of simply picking up a broom and doing it.
Here, the endless pontifications over our mentality or emotionality that has been a major dominance in our life experience, gets countered by a simple activity, that when done wholeheartedly, offers some new balance into our equation.
I am not really saying much that you have not already realized except to re-emphasize that each moment is a new start, with a new practice, with a new you, in a new universe.
Here, the markers of past hours and days, can't hold a candle to whatever moment you are currently facing.
In Gassho H.
Since I last posted, I have been fighting in my own way. But I need to step up the game. I know for sure - and feel it - that deep positive transformation is possible. I just need to "win over myself" (over my negative habitual tendencies) again and again and again in order for the changes to stick. "Do what is good, don't do what is bad, that is Buddhism" - some teacher once said. That is my philosophy. But I could be a better student! Or maybe I'm an OK student but just need to give it more time.
Tomorrow I am travelling to London for a week so will not be posting. I will be there with my mother. She has bad knees and cannot walk a lot so I will probably have a lot of time to myself. I LOVE London for several reasons (and think of the UK as my second home) and am very much looking forward to going.
My practice while in London will be to:
be patient and kind to my mother (who can often piss me off)
be positive and active - use the days productively
forget about my problems as much as possible. I told my two bosses that I will be away so that will help to not feel work-anxiety.
come home early each day (and do not drink) in order to plan the next day and go to sleep early in order to get up early and have productive days
sometimes if I am sightseeing alone I will feel a bit bored and sorry for myself. Flip that attitude to being grateful for the wonderful opportunity that I have.
I will bring my running-shoes but am not sure how realistic running in London with my limited time will be.
If anyone has tips for interesting lesser-known things to do in London (Buddhist or otherwise) in London, feel free to share here or privately.
3
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
edited June 2023
Ow, have a lot of fun out there @marcitko I used to live close to London and would often visit the Tate Modern, the National Portrait Gallery on Trafalgar Square, and the Victoria and Albert Museum (with a side stop at the Science Museum which is pretty much next door to the V&A). Then there’s the Forbidden Planet which is the world’s best science fiction bookshop, and Foyle’s on Tottenham Court Road. Nearby in Soho there is a great whiskey shop too… good times! This was all before my Buddhist period, but perhaps @lobster might be able to fill in the Buddhist blanks.
The London trip was a great success in all aspects and I am happy that I went. I was on good terms with my mother and had a good mix of activities with her and alone. I also had a good mix of touristy stuff and things like lectures (LSE), theatre, roaming around with no specific plan, meetings with my mother's friends, and Buddhist stuff.
As for Buddhism, I visited the British Museum and the first three halls I stumbled upon were Southeast Asia, Korea, and Japan. Felt that was quite serendipitous. I also participated in an excellent Tibetan Meditation at the London Buddhist Society.
The only complaint I have is that London is VERY big and there was so much walking that I was often very tired. I'm not 18 any more (37 now) and have too much weight. As you all already know, I have been working on my physical health and stamina, but need to continue and work on it more. There is no reason that I cannot be in excellent shape even at 37.
Today I have a long list of post-travel chores to do and will report tomorrow on how it went.
Tomorrow I want to try a new work + sports regime by going to the library and working for five hours and then going to the gym which is close by. I work from home and this change of scenery might be very good for focus. The library has an excellent working space with computers and not many people there.
5
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
I know what you mean @marcitko I also have too much weight, and I still harbour dreams of losing that even though I am now over 50. Wishing you the best of luck!
At 68 my success at sustaining a gym regimen (somewhere between tedium and injury) only arrived when I started going frequently but for a short duration. I'm in and out within 30 min. Motivating oneself to do this is relatively easy with such a short time commitment, and I no longer injure myself in the process. A fast walk or biking to the gym and back also offers me a preparatory warming up and cooling down for the weight training.
Wow, I've figured out how to make multiple-quote responses!
@Jeroen said:
I know what you mean @marcitko I also have too much weight, and I still harbour dreams of losing that even though I am now over 50. Wishing you the best of luck!
I've found losing weight is quite straightforward and doable, but it takes time and discipline. All that is needed is a caloric deficit which occurs if we eat clean and/or eat less and/or exercise. If we want a bit more muscle, then also lift heavy things, but this is not necessary. I try to get everyone to exercise and lose weight - since when I systematically did both a few years ago I experienced the biggest improvement to my quality of life in a decade and felt great. Don't dream, do it!
@how said:
At 68 my success at sustaining a gym regimen (somewhere between tedium and injury) only arrived when I started going frequently but for a short duration. I'm in and out within 30 min. Motivating oneself to do this is relatively easy with such a short time commitment, and I no longer injure myself in the process. A fast walk or biking to the gym and back also offers me a preparatory warming up and cooling down for the weight training.
I find that for me the actual time in the gym is not a problem and is even enjoyable (even though I prefer outdoors sports). What I find tedious is going there and back, repeatedly changing clothes, preparing and putting away stuff, washing myself and my hair afterwards, and the fact that the whole process takes a lot of time and seems to take away time from other activities.
I did know that there is a "story" around the London Buddhist Society but felt that for one visit there was no harm in going without knowing much about it.
Yesterday I was active and productive with the post-travel chores but again did not manage the whole list (also because I did some things outside the list). For this reason, going forward I will rank and prioritise the activities for my daily task-lists. This way at least I will do the most important stuff and can move some less important items to the next day.
Today I will go to the library and work. I will not set a fixed time-limit, since it's my first day, and I think enough of a goal is to just show up. Afterwards I will go the gym and the shop. These are my priorities for today.
I made a half-of-year analysis of my exercise and weight:
Exercise (days I exercised):
January-June: 41.1%
January - March: 28.9%
April-June: 53.3%
The overall percentage is OKish, but my target is for it to be higher. However, the trend is increasing so I'm happy and will continue pushing for it to increase further.
Let's say that in exercising 41.1% of days I've accomplished my C goal - to have a consistent exercise regimen. The B goal would be to exercise in the 70-80% range - which is "every day except for some exceptions". The A goal would be to finally become someone who can "walk a straight line" which would mean exercising pretty much every day regardless of how I feel, what I'm doing, the weather, etc.
Since November 2022, which is 8 months, I lost 5.1kgs. This too could be better, but it's definitely a sizeable move in the right direction. I can and should look more into how I eat - which is the most important part of weight-loss. The problem is that I order lunch. I could cook more and/or look into eating less when I eat. I am not too keen on skipping meals, since it seems to impact my state of mind negatively. The other problem (which I cannot change currently, so it's not really a problem, just part of the scenery) is that I take some medication which increases appetite.
Both exercise and weight-loss could have been better, but I'm happy with the results so far and will continue pushing. I do believe it's a training and a process, so for starters this is good enough.
I also analyze my substance-intake:
With alcohol, I have continued doing what I've done for the past few (5? 7?) years - which is to mostly never drink except 1-2 beers on very rare occasions. During this time, I probably drank twice while at home and twice while travelling in London, so four times in 6 months. Since it does not really help me in any way any more, except for a VERY brief time period, and comes with a great cost even for 1-2 beers (being hungover), I don't know why I continue drinking even this small amount. I think I get tricked by the mind/old habits which says "do it, you will be happy". But it does not really work that way.
With the anti-anxiety medication, I've tapered down to 1/4 successfully and to 1/8th yesterday. I hope to ditch it for good at the weekend. This would be a motivating win, some measurable thing I've accomplished.
With smoking, I remain at 1 packet/day. Stopping smoking is my most important goal but I've not been able to move on this yet successfully. Even tapering down to a smaller amount would be a significant move in the right direction.
With coffee, I drink my morning coffee and sometimes another one in the day. The second coffee impacts me negatively so I'm often fighting the urge. Drinking the second coffee is an example of directly hurting myself - since it has no positive effect (alcohol at least has a bit of a positive effect for a while). Currently, I am not drinking the second coffee. I would like to quit coffee altogether - in order to have a clean and natural mind.
@how said:
The herd gathering of such reunions tends to re-link us to attitudes that we largely held and shared during those formative years of early socialized behavioral conditionings.
One of my best friends since high-school moved abroad three years ago. He was my drinking-buddy, but also spiritual friend, especially once we both mostly quit drinking. Yesterday he and his family came back home for the first time for holidays. When he said "I'll call you, let's go for a beer!", I experienced a surge of un-equanimity: desire (to have a few beers like in the "good old days", anxiety (that I will drink), pressure (to behave like we used to do)... Ay carumba, as our dearest @lobster would say!
Luckily, we did not meet yesterday, and will maybe go for a coffee today. That sounds much better
I'll still have one or two beers with him while he is in the country, but just once, and hope to be much calmer about it.
Well, that was a lousy idea. I've fallen, made a mistake. Had three beers with my friend - more than I had in ages. Of course, I felt and feel lousy as a result. I feel ashamed, fearful/anxious - but also committed to a new path.
The new path is that I just don't drink, at all. I did this for several years too and it was not at all a problem, in fact it was very pleasurable, simple, and easy. Easy because the decisions were easy - I just don't drink - simple. Discipline = freedom, as they say.
I drank because I felt anxious. My thinking is that I've got two better options, the first is not to go (then I often get ridiculed, but who cares), and the second is to go and just be anxious (again, who cares, if being anxious is "what is", then that's what is).
Sage advice and positive energy welcome
PS. Drinking is more damaging to me than others - firstly because of my anxiety/high-sensitivity and secondly because of the medication I take - so I'm not looking for advice that would condone drinking.
3
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
At the reunion I was at, I also drank significantly more than I had in years… I had four beers and a glass of wine that evening, while I usually drink no more than one beer every couple of months. I didn’t get drunk or anything, but I didn’t like the feeling, it was a good reminder why I usually don’t drink.
For me, not drinking comes down to having a good look at what is beneficial about drinking and what is unbeneficial. I dropped it because it affects my perceptions, it distorts my inner feeling of presence, it makes me sleep worse.
On the day before yesterday, I had the worst day in a long while. Something happened that triggered a bout of heavy anxiety, control, fear, and even anger, all mixed up in a big ball of suffering. I used the day to try to find methods to calm myself, with only some success. Once I arose in the morning yesterday, I was back to normal. This experience taught me that I need to find "ways&means" of controlling/easing negative emotions once they arise. However, prevention is even more important. (I've got some guilt around writing "controlling/easing", as if intentional/directed effort is "bad").
Yesterday I tried to do a meditative/spiritual day, with lots of reading, meditating, spiritual content, but succeeded only partly. It was a very good day, however, with some nice moments and insights.
I continue with the exercise, being my best medicine, for body, mind, and mood. My intention is for July and August to be "super-sporty" months. Hence, I challenge myself to double the weight-loss during these months. It's normally around 1kg/month, so let's go for 2kg/month. The exercise is good currently, so the major thing I could improve is diet.
I've realized that exercise and a good diet need to be a lifelong thing, a consistent way of life, not something we do only when we need to lose weight and/or improve fitness. That made me realize that the same holds for spiritual practice: we do it forever, not only until some big event that resolves our problems. We find happiness (and all other "spiritual goodies") within the practice, not only as a result of it. This might be (in part) what Dogen meant by "practice is enlightenment".
I continue taking 1/8th of the anti-anxiety medication and have some difficulty going beyond that. That made me realize that this is not a physical thing any more - the dose is way too small - but mental/psychological. There's an attachment present that I need to go beyond in order to let go of the anti-anxiety medication. Tapering is good to lessen any physical withdrawal symptoms, but what is needed now is a psychological letting go of the attachment. Thoughts I have about this (to transcend/let go of): "I need the medication to feel well", "I need the medication in times of crisis", "Without the medication I might spiral into unwanted directions". These are all false, since I felt the same as I do now before taking this medication (around 7 months ago). The docs call this "tolerance" - you feel the same, just now you are taking the medication.
I've started smoking "only" 20 cigarettes per day. This I call "stabilization", not to exceed the average amount, in order to prepare a taper after I (hopefully) let go of the anti-anxiety medication.
However you are doing it. I spent a lot of time with the kagyu lineage of so called Tibetan Buddhism, is it Chinese now or because I do it, is it English Buddhism?
As I was rambling … The Kagyu is a practice lineage. We practice with practices and patients/patience.
Now that I have my own heretical Buddhism, so exclusive, even I am not a member … i can advise like so:
What did I do yesterday to increase the suffering of myself and/or others?
I drank a coffee at 7.30pm (and could not fall asleep until 2am)
I was lazy and stressed about the later part of the day so I did not go to the gym
I was not mindful and determined and had a small chocolate bar while in hospital because I thought it would lower my stress levels (see below)
I was lazy during big chunks of the day
During talking to my father, I went down a negative blaming thought-stream but soon remedied it
What did I do yesterday to decrease the suffering of myself and/or others?
Even though I was highly stressed about it, and found it difficult (wanted to avoid at times), I went to my urologist friend to check up a small lump I detected. All clear, and my friend was highly professional and put me at ease. We chatted for half an hour after it.
Even though I was feeling shitty, I was going to go through with a work-related mentorship call. The mentor rescheduled, to my great relief
I had good interactions with my doctor friend, my parents, family, and friends (there were more than usual due to the doc appointment).
In the morning, I did a session of Wim Hoff breathing exercises that seem to put me into a better mental space. I also did my usual cold shower.
I did about 45 minutes of housework (and immediately felt better).
What did I do yesterday that seems neutral or has both positives and negatives relating to the suffering of myself and/or others?
I continued to read up on amateur astronomy. This was a big part of my life a decade+ ago and a great source of joy. I say it's neutral because on one hand it again brings me joy but the negative part is that I seem to have a forcing attitude towards it now - trying to rekindle that passion/joy forcefully instead of naturally, gently. It's a hobby, it's supposed to be relaxed, why then did I bring this hard mindset to it?
@marcitko you may find this short story about black and white pebbles of interest
"Long ago, there was a brahmin called Ravi who examined his mind at all times. Whenever a bad thought arose, he would put aside a black pebble, and whenever a good thought arose he would put aside a white pebble. At first, all the pebbles he put aside were black. Then, as he persevered in developing antidotes and in adopting positive actions and rejecting negative ones, a time came when his piles of black and white pebbles were equal. In the end he had only white ones. This is how you should develop positive actions as an antidote with mindfulness and vigilance, and not contaminate yourself with even the smallest harmful actions." -Patrul Rinpoche
I have to say your journaling is really inspiring. In fact, I realised I do need to raise awareness on certain issues that keep creeping back: my "love" for cannabis, my "I'm too busy to attend you, sorry" egoistic replies, and my lack of exercise...
The "new angle" you used on your last post; I find it incredibly good and useful. I will be using it for my own journaling from now on!
Thanks and let's strive in becoming the best human possible
One step forward...two steps back!
0
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
@Kotishka said:
One step forward...two steps back!
I believe you’ll find what you wanted to say was “Two steps forward, one step back”
@Shoshin1 said: @marcitko you may find this short story about black and white pebbles of interest
"Long ago, there was a brahmin called Ravi who examined his mind at all times. Whenever a bad thought arose, he would put aside a black pebble, and whenever a good thought arose he would put aside a white pebble. At first, all the pebbles he put aside were black. Then, as he persevered in developing antidotes and in adopting positive actions and rejecting negative ones, a time came when his piles of black and white pebbles were equal. In the end he had only white ones. This is how you should develop positive actions as an antidote with mindfulness and vigilance, and not contaminate yourself with even the smallest harmful actions." -Patrul Rinpoche
Thank you very much @Shoshin1! I might look into finding a way to order this quote as a poster to put on my wall for reminding/inspiration.
This quote/story is an elegant, poetic and succinct way of expressing my whole life philosophy currently. I know it works because I've seen/experienced it work - and I know it can have massive positive effects, not just small cosmetic improvements or only imaginary progress. I've been struggling consciously to implement this way/attitude/practice for at least 8 months now (after falling off the wagon for about 2 years and after about 2 years of excellent and fruitful effort before that). For me, it's not theoretical, it's a daily (no zeros) and moment-to-moment practice. Do I want to do the easy/habitual thing or the right/positive/wholesome thing? I fail often, but sometimes I succeed, and every time I succeed it makes it easier to succeed more in the future. It's a relatively slow process, but it works.
But it's very difficult, especially at times. The "enemy" are my/our negative habits/beliefs/tendencies. Not so easy to cure - but definitely possible - and it gets easier with time, until the positive becomes a new habit, now not in need of changing. Hurray! I don't see anything more worthwhile to do in this life, nor can imagine anything more worthwhile - both for myself and others. I know you know this - I just wrote this paragraph more to explain things consciously to myself
I have to say your journaling is really inspiring. In fact, I realised I do need to raise awareness on certain issues that keep creeping back: my "love" for cannabis, my "I'm too busy to attend you, sorry" egoistic replies, and my lack of exercise...
The "new angle" you used on your last post; I find it incredibly good and useful. I will be using it for my own journaling from now on!
Thanks and let's strive in becoming the best human possible
One step forward...two steps back!
@Kotishka Thank you very much for your kind words. It is humbling (in a good way, maybe humbling is not a good word, but I don't know of a better/more precise one) and heart-warming that you find value in my posts.
Thank you very much for trusting me/us in sharing your three negative tendencies/habits. I will reply in kind and share (I wanted to do so previously but it was easier to avoid for now - but was looking for a good time) that my main source of livelihood for the past two years has been online poker. Definitely not right livelihood and definitely not something that makes me grow in a direction I want to grow / that is good to grow. I will write more about this in the days to come in a separate post.
Re exercise, it's the closest to a "golden bullet" that I've found. I've seen it recommended in every single mental health video I've ever seen. Try it, you might be surprised how everything in your life improves, simply because the body and mind work better. It's also a natural source of serotonin - the happy hormone.
Re cannabis, I don't want to push you, and do not know your situation, but you also might be surprised how things improve if you kick the habit (it's just a habit) - even if you might need to readjust a few other negative habits along the way.
One step forward...two steps back!
As @Jeroen I also hope this was a joke or typo! However, at times it does feel like this.
Well, yesterday was a lousy day... I tried to quit smoking cold-turkey and soon found myself in very strong "brain-fog", kind of non-functional. I googled for how long it might last, 2-4 weeks, or longer. The other symptoms were OK. So I restarted smoking because I could not imagine being in that state for that long. As a result I entered "panic mode" and did a lot of foolishness. Back to the drawing board, will try tapering next. But today I find myself back to normal.
What did I do yesterday to increase the suffering of myself and/or others?
(maybe) tried a too optimistic method of quitting smoking, one that does not take into account my added difficulties compared to ordinary smokers. I tried this because a) it worked once before and b) cold-turkey has the highest success-rate. I wonder under which heading I should put this since quitting smoking is a good thing.
while in withdrawal I was a bit toxic towards my mother (later I was OK).
I did a bit of "problem-dumping" on my friend
Since I was in panic mode, I bought and ate a whole packet of cookies and a whole medium-sized bag of crisps. I did not buy or eat any junk food all of this year, except for a small chocolate bar on occasion. As a result, I gained 0.8kgs.
While in nicotine withdrawal I had TWO extra coffees, something I also never do.
I watched **rn, again something I've nearly totally eliminated.
What did I do yesterday to decrease the suffering of myself and/or others?
I made a small loan on Kiva and donated a small amount to Kiva (the micro-lending site).
I did not play poker (since I was in a lousy state of mind)
I had in mind that "this too shall pass"
I went to the shop to buy food even though I felt super-lousy and it was difficult
What did I do yesterday that seems neutral or has both positives and negatives relating to the suffering of myself and/or others?
???
Plan for today:
Morning routine: - make bed and cold shower first thing (done), journal (done), fruit smoothie, WH breathing, 10mins meditation
Go to the gym and do an inspiring session (1h cardio, 30 mins weights).
Clean and tidy up my apartment for at least 1h
Play poker well for 3 hours (if in a good mental-state, 6-9pm)
So, I haven't been up to date on this,but I just wanted to comment on how it's good you're trying to improve yourself. As with all things, it's a process and your desire to improve/change is competing with a host of other causes and conditions and habits, so it'll take time and effort, and will include successes and setbacks. I don't know know you personally, @marcitko, but I'm proud of you for the effort you're putting in and sharing it with us. Even if and when you fail, that effort is making you and the world better. Being self-reflective and forgiving is super important on this journey, which we're all on in some way, shape, and form, so try not to stop either, even when it seems difficult and pointless. Because it's definitely the former but certainly not the latter.
Thank you very much @Jason, that is a very encouraging thought.
I briefly reread my old journals yesterday. Some observations are:
Memory can be faulty
As I correctly remember, I can be both in excellent and poor mental shape, and in between. The excellent phases were a result of previous/current positive effort, they did not magically appear. That said, it (appears) that the poor phases did come out of the blue, as a result of inadequate handling of shocks.
Most importantly: even with the upswings and downswings, and my subjective view that my state is not improving, it in fact is improving, by a substantial amount. I am in a much better place now than, say, a decade ago, even if I'm not happy with my state and could improve in many ways.
Even in the phases of "massive effort" - I was still not 100% successful or consistent, even far from it - which is actually an encouraging thought: perfection is not necessary for big progress, it just takes more good than bad, which creates an upward trend.
The massive upswing that I experienced several years back did NOT start with quitting smoking as I remembered it. I quit drinking and exercised a lot - while still smoking - and quit smoking only later. That too is an encouraging thought since quitting smoking is my struggle at the moment.
The massive upswing did not start as I remember it (by taking the stairs instead of the elevator) but rather by having the control not to look at the clock during meditation. But same-same, these are both examples of exercising self-control and doing something difficult.
I will go back to journaling 2 A4 pages each evening (since that's what worked previously). I still want to keep this thread alive (writing in the mornings) and will think a bit about what I want to include here.
Yesterday I did a very long bike ride, cleaned my flat for a bit over 30 minutes, and did not play poker. But something important came up so I was engaged with that. Hence, I think it was a good and productive day.
Today I am continuing with that engagement, it being the main task for the day. Except for tasks around that, my job for today is to be as relaxed and positive as possible, since then everything goes better and is easier and the people I am working with (family and friends) will feel better too.
PS. Sorry for the cryptic task description, but I somehow felt it would be bad karma to write out the details just yet
Comments
Thank you @Jeroen. Yes, I think you are very correct with the time needed for a sleep regime to settle down. I'm on day two, so far so very good (falling asleep fast and early), but need to stick to it, which is not always my strength.
Today I find myself very stressed so will skip my usual longer post.
Yesterday I finished reading the book I'm reading.
Today I already completed a difficult work related task which is excellent.
I also plan to send the 120 work-related promotional e-mails I need to send and exercise.
That should be enough for today.
Today I am trying an experiment: just to be productive all day. Even "active rest" counts (not mindless scrolling). Kind of a "hurry slowly" attitude and see what happens.
How does it work in practice? What's active rest like for you?
I'm enjoying your positive attitude of not striving for perfection and identifying some healthy differences between what you desire to accomplish and what you are able to accomplish on the day. That's something I could certainly practice more.
"Active rest". I'm not quite sure what I mean either but I'd say it's doing something relaxing that's deliberate and wholesome? I can watch a movie that I actually want to watch or I can just watch any movie just to make some noise and "run away". I can open Facebook and contact someone I'd enjoy talking to or I can mindlessly scroll my feed. I can go to Youtube and deliberately look for videos on topics I am trying to learn or that interest me or I can watch the first video that grabs my attention just to pass the time. I can go for a walk without a destination, just for fun, I can read a good book (as I did today), I can watch the clouds go by, I can make a good meal, I can call someone just to talk without a reason..."Active rest" - I'm still exploring - but it makes sense today.
I'm still here, still struggling. Some wins, some losses. Far from perfect.
Today I'm thinking about effort in a positive direction vs perfectionism. On one hand, it's good to have high aspirations, good "perfect" role-models. On the other, observing my failings and inadequacies, it can lead to defeatism and even inaction. The best way, as it seems to me now, is to continue in the positive direction with as much effort as I can muster, day-in-and-day-out, but forgive my failings and forgive that I'm not "there yet" and have much still to do. Just do, just continue.
Phycological aids to address suffering's causes can be likened to teaching a non-swimmer how to tread water when they find themselves in water over their head.
It can be an undeniable lifesaver compared to drowning in that moment of danger.
Spiritual aids to addressing suffering's causes can be likened to teaching a non-swimmer how to swim. Here, an effective rescue of either oneself or others becomes an instinctive reflex whenever the possibility of drowning arises.
May each present moment of choice, partake of one or the other.
How are things going @marcitko ?
Are we going to see a return to the longer post format? I thought they were very good, organised and worth applauding…
Thank you very much for your comments @how, @bunks, @jeroen. I don't know why I had a gap - I think I felt a bit foolish writing a kind of diary online. But it is good practice and it helps and with your encouragement I will continue.
Yesterday I was at a friend's birthday party (the kind with kids and little drinking). I drank 2 beers and now, naturally, I am slightly hungover. I have not been drinking except on very rare occasions for 5+ years, also because I do not tolerate it well any more (get hangovers and destroy the next day easily). Similarly to the coffee, this is another example of doing what I know will impact me negatively.
After watching a very good Youtube channel on anxiety, I have a new approach to it. I just try to allow everything - the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the sometimes a bit quirky behaviour. Often, this immediately alleviates it. If this does not help, then I label it: "this is just anxiety", "these are just intrusive thoughts"... "it's OK". Together, these two practices seem to help greatly and I am happy to have found them. Would such "allowing" be the same as "surrendering" as explained in spiritual circles? Seems so to me. I just want to note that this is very different to suppressing.
Today is a holiday and I will be going to a friend's barbecue. With my anxiety higher due to being slightly hungover and there being lots of people there which again increases it, I expect higher than normal levels of anxiety. My only job today is to go (not chicken out) and to keep allowing and labelling if I feel uncomfortable. Kind of "exposure therapy". And to not drink.
Before I leave, I plan to: take a cold shower, exercise at home (it's raining outside), and meditate. This should help get me in the best possible state of mind.
Take a comforting breath with you
Also if you have some B-vitamins they help a lot with hang overs.
Thank you very much @FleaMarket. Along with other vitamins, I take vitamin B daily, since I also read that it helps with anxiety.
Yesterday's barbecue was a great success since I felt very normal and ordinary and did not experience much anxiety. I came with the attitude to allow everything and was quite OK with being a mess - and that seems to help the mess not happening. On occasion I had some negative or anxious thoughts but just told myself to allow them and not make a big deal out of them. That too helped them pass quickly.
However, I notice that these days I am quite the introvert. When I was younger I was much more of an extrovert. I read a nice explanation for this dichotomy in that extroverts start the day with zero "coins" and with each social interaction they gain a "coin". Introverts start the day with five "coins" and with each interaction lose a "coin" until they lose all the coins and must regenerate on their own. After the barbecue I felt tired and depleted and needed to regenerate. I wish I was more of an extrovert as I used to be
Today and for the next two days I am participating virtually in a job-related conference. My only job for these three days is to participate in the events where I'm only listening, try to get the maximum from the experience, and not chicken out from the more social events in which I need to - OMG
- actually talk to strangers. I am currently a bit overwhelmed by the technical side of it, the platform seems quite confusing and complex, but will tinker with it until I figure it out and feel comfortable. I notice that when I am feeling overwhelmed my brain seems to function less well. Wish me luck!
A spiritual teacher once told me that a nice way to see yourself as you are (and in this way combat the negative ideas you have about yourself) is to film yourself. I did that previously and always thought that I come across much better than I perceive myself. I just watched the video presentation we recorded for the conference and had the same reaction. For instance, the anxiety that I feel, does not appear to be visible in the video - yet I always think that everyone can spot it immediately.
That's what I used to do. "It's not real, it's just brain chemistry. You can ignore it."
It's just brain chemistry, because it means my brain is not producing or not processing chemicals like serotonin and dopamine correctly. You are still left with the physical sensations that anxiety brings with it, but you don't have to worry about it. Just let it be what it is.
This is interesting.. I bet anxiety attacks make good meditation objects.
I'm applying to a market to work in their gardens center this summer. I haven't worked for 17 years due to health reasons aka staying at home made more sense. It can be stressful to interview (I have interviewed over the years) and I am borrowing:
These ideas going into writing out my application handing to the hiring manager and possibly interviewing. I'm going to do what I control, try to observe to learn, and know that things happen as they do and when they do.
Everything does, where appropriate … For example:
If realising one has fear or anxiety as an impediment, practice confidence boosting efforts. Some of which are mentioned in posts.
If realising one is introverting, expand ones social engagement …
When we are confident, we can take ourself into the anxiety to take us down a little, if confidence is too unrealistic/impeding …
In this way we identify, label, find the 'medicine', apply …
Before we know it we will be bodhisattvas …
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberation_psychology
Yesterday's conference was mostly a great success. The two highlights were:
The only negative aspect was that I did not understand some sessions since they were about things with which I do not have much experience.
Today is the final day of the conference and as before my only job is to participate in everything. Including in the "round-table" which, again, I would rather avoid.
To combat social anxiety, inspired by the success of the "speed networking", in the next few days I will try out https://www.omegle.com/ This is a platform for talking to strangers via video. It might be good practice to have one such chat daily until it becomes easy.
Yes! This way we do not go into second and third and fourth etc. levels of anxiety. Anxiety about anxiety about anxiety. We can "go back to living" as the YT channel says, even if there is some residual discomfort.
I found it helpful when I realized that I am not required to tell them everything. They are not telling me everything, so why should I. I do not lie, but find it's OK to give deflective half-answers that are still true. For instance, you might say that you had a gap in working "for personal reasons", "for health reasons", "I was a home-maker"... most probably they will not ask anything further since it would be rude and prying. I reserve "the truth and nothing but the truth" for family, friends, and spiritual friends.
With the barbecues, the conference, the weird sleep schedule etc., I have not been very disciplined with my eating for the past week. So I was afraid I had put on weight - and even felt fatter. But to my amazement this morning the scale showed that I have LOST an additional 1kgs. Very happy about that! 6kgs down, 14kgs more to go
My method is very simple - eat clean ("don't eat stupid shit") and exercise. I try to exercise daily but in practice that comes out to around 3/5ths of days. I am interpreting the fact that I feel fatter as a psychological readiness for losing more weight.
Today I am going to a) take a cold shower and meditate b) have lunch with my mother c) cycle to a shop that works on Sundays to buy a birthday present - which will be my sport for the day and d) go to a friend's son's birthday party.
My job is to allow and accept uncomfortable feelings (primarily anxiety) and be OK with not being OK at times. If that does now work - just label and accept - it's no big deal.
I listened to a podcast yesterday with an American CEO whom I did not particularly like but he did say one thing worth emulating: "I am consistently consistent - that's my secret". I am not consistent but would very much like to be. I did have a phase of about 2 years about 4 years ago when I was - and this was my best phase in the last decade. It's like consistency is a muscle, like everything else, you do do do do, and it becomes easier and second nature. And your overall functioning and wellbeing improves dramatically.
I put down on paper yesterday the things which I would need to let go of in order to lead a clean life. Leading a clean life is something which I would very much like to do. If nothing else, it leads to a clean conscience, but I know it has much wider positive consequences. My reaction was that the things I need to let go of are not that big or difficult - at least in theory
How has it been going the last few days @marcitko ? Are you feeling well?
Hi @Jeroen - the past few days have been OK overall and excellent in the sense that I think I've found a way to fight against the anxiety via the methods as explained by the excellent YT channel I follow. There is hope and already some progress.
As I write, I am practising a new morning routine, in that I will a) cold shower b) journal c) meditate for 10 minutes and d) exercise (mostly run for at least 30 minutes). I would like my morning routine to be free from coffee and cigarettes but to start I've allowed myself half a coffee and two cigarettes (since those habits in the morning are so strong).
Today I woke up bright and early, I am a bit tired, but have a good plan for the day and hope to be productive.
I am trying to apply the method as explained on the overcoming-anxiety YT channel.
The acronym is ALARM which stands for:
A - Acknowledge - Note and observe the symptom, do not deny or suppress
L - Label- Give it a name, either a general "anxiety" or something more specific
A - Accept/Allow - Just let it be there, say "OK" to it, do not try to fix it or go down mental rabbit holes.
R - Refocus - Refocus on something other than the symptom
M - Move on - Move on with your activities/day.
I find the first three steps very good, beneficial and easy. The allowing is very good, it results in a relaxing, which, according to the YT channel, leads to the gradual desensitizing of the nervous system. It makes sense, we relax in the face of something that the anxiety keeps telling us is a great big problem. An overly sensitized nervous system is the cause of anxiety, according to the channel, and went out of whack in the past when the body reached its "stress overload level". After that, it got stuck in "danger mode". We recalibrate the nervous system by relaxing in the face of the faulty signals that it is sending and doing what we want/need to do anyway, not giving in to the "run away" signal. This all makes sense to me.
However, I have trouble with the refocusing and moving on, since I've developed a habit of often being passive due to "not feeling good enough". The instructions are to refocus on something else and move on (do something else) even if you feel lousy. "Whatchya mean I have to do this thing when I'm feeling so lousy?!". But I do believe this must be the correct way. I cannot be running away and hiding all of my life - this is actually anxiety being in control - not me.
Yesterday, using this method, I was doing well and being productive until about half the day when I just could not make myself do a hard job-related task. And since then I've not recovered my energies. Hopefully, I will soon.
The good development from watching the YT channel is that for the first time I have hope that anxiety can be cured. I've tried many different things previously, but never got the message that it can actually be cured. That's an excellent development.
Today I've done my morning routine in part, am going to lunch with a friend, have a Zoom call with a professional mentor, and will be working after that.
I slept poorly today and am feeling more anxious than usual. I have a lot of work-related stuff to finish, which I postponed previously (bad habit to remedy), so must do that today even if I do not feel very well. I will report in the evening if I was successful or not - since that's my most important goal for the day.
For the past few days I have been trying to implement a new morning routine with the general idea of having one wholesome hour in the morning. Cold shower + journal + meditate 10 minutes + run 30 minutes. No smoking or coffee during this time. I've been successful with doing the things, but am slowly tapering off the coffee and cigarettes. The latter has been more difficult than I imagined since I've been doing those for so long.
The idea is that once the first hour is good and a habit, then I can add another wholesome hour. Say, work for an hour on the most important task of the day without postponing. In this way, in theory at least, I could create a whole wholesome and positive and intentional day.
Sometimes we can find ourselves, in the ardor of a practice, acting as if we are a millipede with a washcloth on every appendage reaching out to clean up everything, everywhere, when all that is really called for is to pay attention to whatever mess is immediately presenting in front of us, in this passing nanosecond and is within our scope to actually address.
In Zen parlance, it is the difference between approaching a room that needs to be cleaned with endless plans on how to do it....instead of simply picking up a broom and doing it.
Here, the endless pontifications over our mentality or emotionality that has been a major dominance in our life experience, gets countered by a simple activity, that when done wholeheartedly, offers some new balance into our equation.
I am not really saying much that you have not already realized except to re-emphasize that each moment is a new start, with a new practice, with a new you, in a new universe.
Here, the markers of past hours and days, can't hold a candle to whatever moment you are currently facing.
In Gassho H.
Here is Taoist meditation that might be helpful . Similar to Buddhist dzogchen/mahamudra/shikantanza with elements of metta …
It uses the term forgetting in the same way Sufism talks about remembrance and we may talk about the currently fashionable “mindfullness”.
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.
Since I last posted, I have been fighting in my own way. But I need to step up the game. I know for sure - and feel it - that deep positive transformation is possible. I just need to "win over myself" (over my negative habitual tendencies) again and again and again in order for the changes to stick. "Do what is good, don't do what is bad, that is Buddhism" - some teacher once said. That is my philosophy. But I could be a better student! Or maybe I'm an OK student but just need to give it more time.
Tomorrow I am travelling to London for a week so will not be posting. I will be there with my mother. She has bad knees and cannot walk a lot so I will probably have a lot of time to myself. I LOVE London for several reasons (and think of the UK as my second home) and am very much looking forward to going.
My practice while in London will be to:
If anyone has tips for interesting lesser-known things to do in London (Buddhist or otherwise) in London, feel free to share here or privately.
Ow, have a lot of fun out there @marcitko I used to live close to London and would often visit the Tate Modern, the National Portrait Gallery on Trafalgar Square, and the Victoria and Albert Museum (with a side stop at the Science Museum which is pretty much next door to the V&A). Then there’s the Forbidden Planet which is the world’s best science fiction bookshop, and Foyle’s on Tottenham Court Road. Nearby in Soho there is a great whiskey shop too… good times! This was all before my Buddhist period, but perhaps @lobster might be able to fill in the Buddhist blanks.
British Museum is free … and room 33 and 33a have Buddhist history and artefacts
https://www.britishmuseum.org/collection/galleries/india-amaravati
best temple, monks and if lunch time you may eat with them, consult a monk etc:
https://www.facebook.com/buddhapadipa/
https://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/leisure-and-culture/places-of-worship/all-places-of-worship-in-the-borough/the-buddhapadipa-temple/
The London trip was a great success in all aspects and I am happy that I went. I was on good terms with my mother and had a good mix of activities with her and alone. I also had a good mix of touristy stuff and things like lectures (LSE), theatre, roaming around with no specific plan, meetings with my mother's friends, and Buddhist stuff.
As for Buddhism, I visited the British Museum and the first three halls I stumbled upon were Southeast Asia, Korea, and Japan. Felt that was quite serendipitous. I also participated in an excellent Tibetan Meditation at the London Buddhist Society.
The only complaint I have is that London is VERY big and there was so much walking that I was often very tired. I'm not 18 any more
(37 now) and have too much weight. As you all already know, I have been working on my physical health and stamina, but need to continue and work on it more. There is no reason that I cannot be in excellent shape even at 37.
Today I have a long list of post-travel chores to do and will report tomorrow on how it went.
Tomorrow I want to try a new work + sports regime by going to the library and working for five hours and then going to the gym which is close by. I work from home and this change of scenery might be very good for focus. The library has an excellent working space with computers and not many people there.
I know what you mean @marcitko I also have too much weight, and I still harbour dreams of losing that even though I am now over 50. Wishing you the best of luck!
At 68 my success at sustaining a gym regimen (somewhere between tedium and injury) only arrived when I started going frequently but for a short duration. I'm in and out within 30 min. Motivating oneself to do this is relatively easy with such a short time commitment, and I no longer injure myself in the process. A fast walk or biking to the gym and back also offers me a preparatory warming up and cooling down for the weight training.
@marcitko ah yes London Buddhist Society, an off shoot of the Theosophical Society, set up by Judge Judy … eh Christmas Humphries, his excellent library was split with his home and Amravati in Hertfordshire. Been to both prefer the Amravati library.
https://amaravati.org/retreat-centre/online-retreats-general-information/
Wow, I've figured out how to make multiple-quote responses!
I've found losing weight is quite straightforward and doable, but it takes time and discipline. All that is needed is a caloric deficit which occurs if we eat clean and/or eat less and/or exercise. If we want a bit more muscle, then also lift heavy things, but this is not necessary. I try to get everyone to exercise and lose weight - since when I systematically did both a few years ago I experienced the biggest improvement to my quality of life in a decade and felt great. Don't dream, do it!
I find that for me the actual time in the gym is not a problem and is even enjoyable (even though I prefer outdoors sports). What I find tedious is going there and back, repeatedly changing clothes, preparing and putting away stuff, washing myself and my hair afterwards, and the fact that the whole process takes a lot of time and seems to take away time from other activities.
I did know that there is a "story" around the London Buddhist Society but felt that for one visit there was no harm in going without knowing much about it.
Yesterday I was active and productive with the post-travel chores but again did not manage the whole list (also because I did some things outside the list). For this reason, going forward I will rank and prioritise the activities for my daily task-lists. This way at least I will do the most important stuff and can move some less important items to the next day.
Today I will go to the library and work. I will not set a fixed time-limit, since it's my first day, and I think enough of a goal is to just show up. Afterwards I will go the gym and the shop. These are my priorities for today.
I made a half-of-year analysis of my exercise and weight:
Exercise (days I exercised):
January-June: 41.1%
January - March: 28.9%
April-June: 53.3%
The overall percentage is OKish, but my target is for it to be higher. However, the trend is increasing so I'm happy and will continue pushing for it to increase further.
Let's say that in exercising 41.1% of days I've accomplished my C goal - to have a consistent exercise regimen. The B goal would be to exercise in the 70-80% range - which is "every day except for some exceptions". The A goal would be to finally become someone who can "walk a straight line" which would mean exercising pretty much every day regardless of how I feel, what I'm doing, the weather, etc.
Since November 2022, which is 8 months, I lost 5.1kgs. This too could be better, but it's definitely a sizeable move in the right direction. I can and should look more into how I eat - which is the most important part of weight-loss. The problem is that I order lunch. I could cook more and/or look into eating less when I eat. I am not too keen on skipping meals, since it seems to impact my state of mind negatively. The other problem (which I cannot change currently, so it's not really a problem, just part of the scenery) is that I take some medication which increases appetite.
Both exercise and weight-loss could have been better, but I'm happy with the results so far and will continue pushing. I do believe it's a training and a process, so for starters this is good enough.
I also analyze my substance-intake:
With alcohol, I have continued doing what I've done for the past few (5? 7?) years - which is to mostly never drink except 1-2 beers on very rare occasions. During this time, I probably drank twice while at home and twice while travelling in London, so four times in 6 months. Since it does not really help me in any way any more, except for a VERY brief time period, and comes with a great cost even for 1-2 beers (being hungover), I don't know why I continue drinking even this small amount. I think I get tricked by the mind/old habits which says "do it, you will be happy". But it does not really work that way.
With the anti-anxiety medication, I've tapered down to 1/4 successfully and to 1/8th yesterday. I hope to ditch it for good at the weekend. This would be a motivating win, some measurable thing I've accomplished.
With smoking, I remain at 1 packet/day. Stopping smoking is my most important goal but I've not been able to move on this yet successfully. Even tapering down to a smaller amount would be a significant move in the right direction.
With coffee, I drink my morning coffee and sometimes another one in the day. The second coffee impacts me negatively so I'm often fighting the urge. Drinking the second coffee is an example of directly hurting myself - since it has no positive effect (alcohol at least has a bit of a positive effect for a while). Currently, I am not drinking the second coffee. I would like to quit coffee altogether - in order to have a clean and natural mind.
From another thread...
Well, that was a lousy idea. I've fallen, made a mistake. Had three beers with my friend - more than I had in ages. Of course, I felt and feel lousy as a result. I feel ashamed, fearful/anxious - but also committed to a new path.
The new path is that I just don't drink, at all. I did this for several years too and it was not at all a problem, in fact it was very pleasurable, simple, and easy. Easy because the decisions were easy - I just don't drink - simple. Discipline = freedom, as they say.
I drank because I felt anxious. My thinking is that I've got two better options, the first is not to go (then I often get ridiculed, but who cares), and the second is to go and just be anxious (again, who cares, if being anxious is "what is", then that's what is).
Sage advice and positive energy welcome
PS. Drinking is more damaging to me than others - firstly because of my anxiety/high-sensitivity and secondly because of the medication I take - so I'm not looking for advice that would condone drinking.
At the reunion I was at, I also drank significantly more than I had in years… I had four beers and a glass of wine that evening, while I usually drink no more than one beer every couple of months. I didn’t get drunk or anything, but I didn’t like the feeling, it was a good reminder why I usually don’t drink.
For me, not drinking comes down to having a good look at what is beneficial about drinking and what is unbeneficial. I dropped it because it affects my perceptions, it distorts my inner feeling of presence, it makes me sleep worse.
@Jeroen out of curiosity, why do you think you drank more than usual at the reunion?
Just because everyone else was drinking, it was what people did… the drinks were provided free by the school.
On the day before yesterday, I had the worst day in a long while. Something happened that triggered a bout of heavy anxiety, control, fear, and even anger, all mixed up in a big ball of suffering. I used the day to try to find methods to calm myself, with only some success. Once I arose in the morning yesterday, I was back to normal. This experience taught me that I need to find "ways&means" of controlling/easing negative emotions once they arise. However, prevention is even more important. (I've got some guilt around writing "controlling/easing", as if intentional/directed effort is "bad").
Yesterday I tried to do a meditative/spiritual day, with lots of reading, meditating, spiritual content, but succeeded only partly. It was a very good day, however, with some nice moments and insights.
I continue with the exercise, being my best medicine, for body, mind, and mood. My intention is for July and August to be "super-sporty" months. Hence, I challenge myself to double the weight-loss during these months. It's normally around 1kg/month, so let's go for 2kg/month. The exercise is good currently, so the major thing I could improve is diet.
I've realized that exercise and a good diet need to be a lifelong thing, a consistent way of life, not something we do only when we need to lose weight and/or improve fitness. That made me realize that the same holds for spiritual practice: we do it forever, not only until some big event that resolves our problems. We find happiness (and all other "spiritual goodies") within the practice, not only as a result of it. This might be (in part) what Dogen meant by "practice is enlightenment".
I continue taking 1/8th of the anti-anxiety medication and have some difficulty going beyond that. That made me realize that this is not a physical thing any more - the dose is way too small - but mental/psychological. There's an attachment present that I need to go beyond in order to let go of the anti-anxiety medication. Tapering is good to lessen any physical withdrawal symptoms, but what is needed now is a psychological letting go of the attachment. Thoughts I have about this (to transcend/let go of): "I need the medication to feel well", "I need the medication in times of crisis", "Without the medication I might spiral into unwanted directions". These are all false, since I felt the same as I do now before taking this medication (around 7 months ago). The docs call this "tolerance" - you feel the same, just now you are taking the medication.
I've started smoking "only" 20 cigarettes per day. This I call "stabilization", not to exceed the average amount, in order to prepare a taper after I (hopefully) let go of the anti-anxiety medication.
what you are doing is @marcitko at times, hard
However you are doing it. I spent a lot of time with the kagyu lineage of so called Tibetan Buddhism, is it Chinese now or because I do it, is it English Buddhism?
As I was rambling … The Kagyu is a practice lineage. We practice with practices and patients/patience.
Now that I have my own heretical Buddhism, so exclusive, even I am not a member
… i can advise like so:
https://yinyana.tumblr.com/
I thought I would try a new angle today.
What did I do yesterday to increase the suffering of myself and/or others?
What did I do yesterday to decrease the suffering of myself and/or others?
What did I do yesterday that seems neutral or has both positives and negatives relating to the suffering of myself and/or others?
@marcitko you may find this short story about black and white pebbles of interest
Marcitko,
I have to say your journaling is really inspiring. In fact, I realised I do need to raise awareness on certain issues that keep creeping back: my "love" for cannabis, my "I'm too busy to attend you, sorry" egoistic replies, and my lack of exercise...
The "new angle" you used on your last post; I find it incredibly good and useful. I will be using it for my own journaling from now on!
Thanks and let's strive in becoming the best human possible
One step forward...two steps back!
I believe you’ll find what you wanted to say was “Two steps forward, one step back”
Thank you very much @Shoshin1! I might look into finding a way to order this quote as a poster to put on my wall for reminding/inspiration.
This quote/story is an elegant, poetic and succinct way of expressing my whole life philosophy currently. I know it works because I've seen/experienced it work - and I know it can have massive positive effects, not just small cosmetic improvements or only imaginary progress. I've been struggling consciously to implement this way/attitude/practice for at least 8 months now (after falling off the wagon for about 2 years and after about 2 years of excellent and fruitful effort before that). For me, it's not theoretical, it's a daily (no zeros) and moment-to-moment practice. Do I want to do the easy/habitual thing or the right/positive/wholesome thing? I fail often, but sometimes I succeed, and every time I succeed it makes it easier to succeed more in the future. It's a relatively slow process, but it works.
But it's very difficult, especially at times. The "enemy" are my/our negative habits/beliefs/tendencies. Not so easy to cure - but definitely possible - and it gets easier with time, until the positive becomes a new habit, now not in need of changing. Hurray! I don't see anything more worthwhile to do in this life, nor can imagine anything more worthwhile - both for myself and others. I know you know this - I just wrote this paragraph more to explain things consciously to myself
@Kotishka Thank you very much for your kind words. It is humbling (in a good way, maybe humbling is not a good word, but I don't know of a better/more precise one) and heart-warming that you find value in my posts.
Thank you very much for trusting me/us in sharing your three negative tendencies/habits. I will reply in kind and share (I wanted to do so previously but it was easier to avoid for now - but was looking for a good time) that my main source of livelihood for the past two years has been online poker. Definitely not right livelihood and definitely not something that makes me grow in a direction I want to grow / that is good to grow. I will write more about this in the days to come in a separate post.
Re exercise, it's the closest to a "golden bullet" that I've found. I've seen it recommended in every single mental health video I've ever seen. Try it, you might be surprised how everything in your life improves, simply because the body and mind work better. It's also a natural source of serotonin - the happy hormone.
Re cannabis, I don't want to push you, and do not know your situation, but you also might be surprised how things improve if you kick the habit (it's just a habit) - even if you might need to readjust a few other negative habits along the way.
As @Jeroen I also hope this was a joke or typo!
However, at times it does feel like this.
Well, yesterday was a lousy day... I tried to quit smoking cold-turkey and soon found myself in very strong "brain-fog", kind of non-functional. I googled for how long it might last, 2-4 weeks, or longer. The other symptoms were OK. So I restarted smoking because I could not imagine being in that state for that long. As a result I entered "panic mode" and did a lot of foolishness. Back to the drawing board, will try tapering next. But today I find myself back to normal.
What did I do yesterday to increase the suffering of myself and/or others?
What did I do yesterday to decrease the suffering of myself and/or others?
What did I do yesterday that seems neutral or has both positives and negatives relating to the suffering of myself and/or others?
Plan for today:
So, I haven't been up to date on this,but I just wanted to comment on how it's good you're trying to improve yourself. As with all things, it's a process and your desire to improve/change is competing with a host of other causes and conditions and habits, so it'll take time and effort, and will include successes and setbacks. I don't know know you personally, @marcitko, but I'm proud of you for the effort you're putting in and sharing it with us. Even if and when you fail, that effort is making you and the world better. Being self-reflective and forgiving is super important on this journey, which we're all on in some way, shape, and form, so try not to stop either, even when it seems difficult and pointless. Because it's definitely the former but certainly not the latter.
Thank you very much @Jason, that is a very encouraging thought.
I briefly reread my old journals yesterday. Some observations are:
I will go back to journaling 2 A4 pages each evening (since that's what worked previously). I still want to keep this thread alive (writing in the mornings) and will think a bit about what I want to include here.
Yesterday I did a very long bike ride, cleaned my flat for a bit over 30 minutes, and did not play poker. But something important came up so I was engaged with that. Hence, I think it was a good and productive day.
Today I am continuing with that engagement, it being the main task for the day. Except for tasks around that, my job for today is to be as relaxed and positive as possible, since then everything goes better and is easier and the people I am working with (family and friends) will feel better too.
PS. Sorry for the cryptic task description, but I somehow felt it would be bad karma to write out the details just yet