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Can Buddhism be reconciled with family life?
Can Buddhism be reconciled with family life? Looking into this question on wikipedia I found the following statement regarding the householder:
Householders & future lives
[See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Householder_%28Buddhism%29#Householders_.26_future_lives ]
Householders & future lives
In the Pali canon, the pursuit of Nibbana (Skt: Nirvana) within this lifetime usually starts with giving up the householder life. This is due to the householder life's intrinsic attachments to a home, a spouse, children and the associated wealth necessary for maintaining the household.<sup id="cite_ref-16" class="reference">[17]</sup> Thus, instead of advising householders to relinquish these and all attachments as a prerequisite for the complete liberation from samsara in this lifetime, the Buddha instructed householders on how to achieve "well-being and happiness" (hita-sukha) in this and future lives in a spiritually meaningful way.
In Buddhism, a householder's spiritual path is often conceived of in terms of making merit (Pali: puñña). The primary bases for meritorious action in Buddhism are generosity (dāna), ethical conduct (sīla) and mental development (bhāvanā). Traditional Buddhist practices associated with such behaviors are summarized in the table below.
This is not entirely clear, but seems to me to generally reflect my original concern, which is that there is an inherent conflict between the quest for nirvana and the attachments of family life. I don't want to give up my attachments to my nearest and dearest. Does this mean Buddhism is not for me?In Buddhism, a householder's spiritual path is often conceived of in terms of making merit (Pali: puñña). The primary bases for meritorious action in Buddhism are generosity (dāna), ethical conduct (sīla) and mental development (bhāvanā). Traditional Buddhist practices associated with such behaviors are summarized in the table below.
[See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Householder_%28Buddhism%29#Householders_.26_future_lives ]
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Comments
I think you'll find the number of laypeople practising Buddhism far outweigh those practising Buddhism who are also ordained.
There are different objectives, but ultimately, all anyone is doing is learning about, and understanding Suffering, and the cessation of suffering.
We're all walking towards the mountain top. Some will take longer than others, but the point is the intention, not the method.....
That's my view, anyway.
By the way (how very rude of me!)
Welcome to our home.
Error number 1.
Giving up material things without giving up the cravings for said things within the mind is useless. Work on your mind, and the rest follows. Personally, I'm interested in living in the real world, in peace and happiness, not escaping it. I don't need to run away from everything to work on my mind.
Some material things are necessary. It's craving/clinging to things that is the real issue.
What Buddhism teaches us to give up is the denial of impermenance in all things, and the attachment to things as self/I/mine. When you cling to things in such away, and they inevitable change and decay, this causes dukkha to the self-view you've created. But if we fully understand that all things are impermanent and not-self, then we can love unconditionally and selflessly, and be truly happy.
I extent a warm welcome.
I think Buddhism is for everyone... no one is excluded.
In the beginning of my practice, nirvana (enlightenment) was my goal. As the months of practice went by, I have completely dropped this yearning for nirvana. As a lay practitioner, I am content with the peace that accompanies my practice. I don't even think much about a fortunate rebirth any more. I guess it takes quite a while for one to "settle' down in the practice, especially if one does not have a teacher.
I wish you well in your spiritual quest.
With kind regards.
But a marriage is supposed to be permanent. Am I supposed to accept that it will decay? Similarly, what about the consistency that children need? And in the unconditionally loving state you describe, what is the difference between love for one's nearest and dearest and love for anybody else?
Thank you for a heartfelt reply. But if you take Nirvana out of Buddhism, what is left?
At the least .... peace in the here and now.
What about it?
The consistency you can give children is not permanent.
It's consistent.
There's a difference.
Consistency means being there for them to educate them and bring them up honourably, honestly and to be independent, free-thinking, balanced wholesome individuals.
They'll carry your consistency on when you die.
As, of course, you must.
It's the difference between a pillow and a cushion.
The point of |Buddhism, is to understand suffering, to understand the cause of suffering, to understand the cure for this cause, and to work your way along this cure.
Nirvana is an end.
But it's not the end.
brian
Yes, there's no conflict between practicing the noble eightfold path and having a family. It's true that some people are inspired to renounce the worldly life in order to devote their full time to practicing, but it's not a prerequisite.
Palzang
My experience is that Buddhism clashes with family life. At least the family life that my wife and I built. My wife found Buddhism, and within a year she has become a completely different person. She has become cold, robotic, and emotionless. She calls this being "present". She says being present is the best thing she can do for me and our 3 children. None of us feel the bond we once had with her. What she calls "being present" feels ice cold to us.
She has alienated herself from her parents, her children and myself. After experiencing this, I did some research and found that there is a history of this in Buddhism. Buddha himself left his wife and young child to find enlightenment.
Perhaps its a clash of value systems. I value family. I see a large gap between the concept of a family bond and the non-attachment of Buddhism. I feel there is a unique bond between parents and children, and husband and wife. I know many people feel this too. I have heard almost no talk of family or parenting while at the Buddhist centers we have attended.
I have spent a great deal of time at a particular Buddhist center and I have found the following:
-It seems everyone there practices the same form of "presence" as my wife. While everyone is kind and polite and even funny, it feels like everyone remains distant and are trying to stifle emotions. Many have shown flashes of emotion but it is definitely something that is suppressed.
-All residents of the Buddhist center (both temporary and permanent) either have no children, or their children are all grown up. There is a "family day" where the parents go off to meditate while some volunteers take the kids all day. There is very limited interaction between the monks and children (though in their brief time together it is clear that the monks are quite fond of kids).
-Meal time is usually silent. On "family day" the kids create chaos during the meal (as all kids do). It feels like the kids are to be seen, and not heard. Many in the Sangha are horrified if the kids do something outside of rules.
-Those who do have children are infrequent visitors.
We have thus far raised our children with a form of parenting called "Attachment Parenting" and I dont see how to reconcile this with the non-attachment of Buddhism. My family is in jeopardy. I don't blame Buddhism completely, but it has not been a blessing in my household. It feels cold and distant where there was once warmth and closeness. We have 2 young children, and an older daughter. Our older daughter who is 20 that feels that the bond that she once shared with her mother is now gone. Sadly, I am starting to agree. Please comment.
Anicca, will you feel the same way next week,
year, decade?
I used to think I will die if I lost my girlfriend.
I lost her and I didnt die.
I don't practice in a Sangha, I'm just reading books and meditating on my own (my favorite teachers are Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron). So I'm not sure why your family experience with Buddhism has ended up so differently, but in my experience Buddhist practice has brought a greater warmth and connection between me, my husband and children.
For me, being present for my family doesn't feel like a cold experience at all. It's slowing down and really paying attention to what they are saying and also what they're not telling me. For instance, before I started practicing, if one of my children asked for help with homework while I was in the middle of preparing dinner, I might have just told her I would help her later. Now I might delay dinner, if I sense that something is bothering her beyond needing a little math help.
It's also just being present in a sense of joyfulness. Sometimes, while we're all around the table eating dinner or playing Scrabble, I find myself just looking into my children's eyes and smiling. They smile back and it is such a simple thing but so wonderful. I'm not saying our family life is perfect or that we don't have the occasional squabble, but we do seem to get along better than many families I know. There's nothing cold or disconnected about it.
As far as "Attachment Parenting" and the "non-attachment" spoken of in Buddhism, I believe the words may be getting in the way. I like to think of the first as "Connected Parenting" or replace "non-attachment" with "non-clinging". My aim is to love my children but without spoiling, over-protecting or over-controlling. To nurture them but also help them learn and grow with the goal of eventually letting go. Of course I hope we will always remain close but I know that our relationships will change and that's as it should be.
I am sorry to hear it has not been working that way for you and hope you can find a way through.
Elena
Take Buddhism akin to being able to swim.
If you dont know how to swim, you stay away from the water. It is a fatal hazard without skill. When you are a baby you inherently know how to swim. You can also take swimming lessons. Similarly, the state of Bhuddist existance was familiar to you from the first. You can also study and practice Buddhism.
Once you know how to swim, it is up to you what you do with that skill - you could go for a weekly swim at your local pool or you could swim out to sea or become an olympic athelete - each has its own characteristic and risks / rewards / path. It is a personal choice born from subjective experience.
It is the same with Buddhism - just as it is a fallacy to blame the 'skill of swimming' if someone drowns (whatever the circumstances) - thus it is also a distraction to seek to blame Buddhism for an outcome.
Buddhism is not in conflict with family life - consider that the 'high profile' Buddhists that you would automatically associate with the practice (such as the Dalai Lama or other prominent monks or venerated historical figures) are just that - beacons and ambassadors - the fact that they practice and live in one way does not mean that the ultimate way is that way!
You should consider working with your wife together in order to heal your relationship. You and your wife must first undertake this journey so you can then guide your family - afterall, your children will look to you for guidance and love. In this way, you will all be united in the purpose of healing and conflict resolution rather than in seeking to locate the source of blame.
Most people who find Buddhism do so as they were intellectually seeking - it may be that your wife was struggling with issues and this suffering led her to seek relief from suffering - Buddhism is just that - a way of relief from suffering - consider that your previous relationship with your wife could have coexisted with suffering and the negative effects of suffering and as such, given your wife is exploring ways to eliminate that, your relationship may feel like it has changed.
Do not fear the change - embrace it as your wife is suffering less which is good for you and your family - couples' therapy is a good forum as a trained professional will guide you both so you can better express your love and better understand eachother - this combined with some reading on the subject (there are lots of self help books) and communication can be quite effective...
As a Householder/Lay practioner, several points were made that I agree with.
Alot of my trips to the temple for guidance have been futile. Here in America. Having a family life during practice... Suburbs, 3 kids, full time job, meditation, study, and my new craving......NewBuddhist.
WWBD? Buddha would want you to do what works. Pick the surmons that boost you up. The ones that make you love Buddha.
Gratitude for stating the obvious.
Everyone, please read a piece in..Forbes Magazine Jan, 16. Current Events.
"A Plea to Clergy". Describes changing in religion. Diverse Religious references, and still hits home the practice of having a Refuge.
@Elenagreene.....Loved your explanations!
To the OP.....just the fact that you have such precise verse numbers would suggest to me that you participate in these Buddhist activities. What are these surroundings doing for your practice? You focused alot on your spouse. Buddhism usualy suggests focusing on yourself.
Zero, regarding your example of swimming. I appreciate the example and I see your point. However, I think its too broad. I think that Buddhism is only 1 way to swim (like the back stroke for example). Other ways are Judaism, Islam and my own skeptic/atheism.
Also, not all water is created equal. Swimming in a river is quite different from a lake or the ocean. Not all forms of swimming will fit different types of water.
It feels like my wife has begun using the breast stroke to swim up river. As I said, I dont blame Buddhism completely, but I maintain that its not always a blessing and can be a problem under certain circumstances. Specifically with a family and young children.
Its probably only part of the problem in my home, but it has not been a good thing. It has distanced my family from our wife/mother. To be honest, if she decided to do this once the children were old enough to be on their own, I would support it. She could become a nun (she has brought this up many times). I would miss what we had, but I understand things change. But right now our 2 youngest are both under 10.
This non-attachment between a mother and her children feels unnatural and wrong. There has to be some form of attachment with family. I get that attachment brings pain, but remember:
You can rarely eliminate the bad without sacrificing the good.
You cant have success without failure.
You cant happiness without sadness.
You cant have pleasure without pain.
Thanks again everyone! Further comments appreciated.
If you address this problem with your wife some knowledge of the loving kindness (metta) and compassion practices of Buddhism would maybe help persuade her onto a slightly different track without having to abandon her new path entirely.
My personal opinion is that once you've committed to a family you need to see that responsibility through. There are many teachings, particularly by modern western teachers, that use daily/family life to enhance ones dharma practice.
Try this webpage on attachment. In particular notice the 'near enemy' of attachment being real appreciation, love and compassion. Near enemy is a quality that is similar but not the same as one another. Meaning non-attachment isn't the absence of real appreciation, love and compassion. So your wife may be slightly off course in her practice. Buddhism isn't an easy path and there are many opportunities to get off track some. My personal opinion is to stick with her and help her understand that non-attachment doesn't mean emotional distance it really means impartiality. So instead of removing affection towards her family it should help her extend that love to others.
I think, according to this article, it probably can...
http://www.thebuddhadharma.com/web-archive/2003/3/1/mother-of-light-the-inspiring-story-of-dipa-ma.html
-Thich Nhat Hanh
You are me and I am you.
It is obvious that we are inter-are.
You cultivate the flower in
yourself so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself so
that you do not have to suffer.
I support you you support me.
I am here to bring you peace
you are here to bring me joy.
I think "attachment" as an English word is problematic; sometimes it is also called "clinging," which for me gets more to the point. The point isn't to detach yourself from compassion - the point is to reduce clinging to "mine and only mine," whether that "mine" is objects, or activities, people, etc.
I think we all know (or have been!) clinging children; we wouldn't confuse "clinging" with "love," necessarily, and we'd probably acknowledge that the clinging child is less happy than the confident, non-clingy child. Some might be tempted to say the clingy child is exhibiting more love for the parent - but in reality, he/she is probably exhibiting fear and lack of balance or self-confidence.
When, as English-speakers, we say "reduce attachment" I really feel that comes off as "love less," when in fact the heart of all Buddhist instructions is to "love more." But if you say "reduce attachment" with the clingy-child in mind, you can see how reducing attachment could be healthy. You're not talking about getting the child to love you less; rather, to love/trust himself and others more.
Sometimes I like to think of it as developing more attachment, not less - so much more, in fact, that you strive to become equally attached to all beings! A lot of the teachings talk about "widening your circle" of compassion; really examine the feelings you have for your own family, for example--all that love--and imagine yourself extending that just a little bit further. And after that, further yet, until finally you can at least imagine yourself feeling compassion even for someone you dislike(d).
I feel that when one gets caught up in the excitement of Buddhist study, it is really hard to feel you don't have enough time to devour it all. I could easily see someone feeling that the family is getting in the way, or rather, that the teachings are so important that everything else must be set aside. But since the whole point of the teachings is to grow compassion, not shrink it, if you hurt people in order to make time for practice, you're sort of sabotaging the whole point of practice.
If your partner is conducive to suggestion, the author Pema Chodron (a Canadian nun) is just fantastic on this topic and deals with it over and over. She's an incredibly inspiring, positive, non-dogmatic writer. I recommend "Start Where You Are," but they're all great. Maybe others here have suggestions, too.
Wishing you and your family peace and resolution to this painful problem!
Openness meditation can help her bridge to her life. She can do it sitting or walking. In openness mediation instead of focusing only on the breath you open outwards to your environment and take in your senses and then let go into space on the outbreath. In breath you are free to do as you wish. Eyes open and ears open you welcome all that this world has to offer. In my meditation (some days) the dog can be barking up and down the house, the mom can be huffing and puffing in the kitchen. But I have like a calm private smile and these 'distractions' are just calls of birds.
A young man will not give up his lover.
An old man will not give up his life.
Your dearest will die one by one,
that I know for sure.
So, you will have to give them up whether
you like it or not.
A marriage is supposed to be permanent.
Yes, but can you really predict what will happen in
a marriage?
Buddhism begins with acknowledging
that we are faced with illness, old age and death.
Impermanence.
Buddha said the end of suffering comes with nirvana.
Non-self, we dont really exist...
Anyway, back to your question.
Buddhism is extremely reconcilliable with family life.
I know many Buddhist who live 'normal' lives.
There are much happier people now that they practise
buddhism.
They get along better with their family too.
Who says marriage is destined to decay? That's dukkha speaking, leading you to believe anything different from your mind's ideal lover or relationship is bad and grasping tighter to your desire for the world to be what you want it to be. Everything changes. I'm not the same man I was twenty years ago, and my wife has also changed. Why should our relationship not change? It's not better or worse, just a different relationship. That's what is meant by impermanent.
Change isn't good or bad, it's just change. Children grow up, things you once cherished are lost or discarded or just not important anymore. Even the big problems that consumed your energy in the past are forgotten as new problems arise. It's life.