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Being nice

FenixFenix Veteran
edited May 2010 in Buddhism Basics
Sometimes its seems impossible to be nice. No matter how I try I come out as a Ahole. I feel theres sometimes nothing to do to be nice to people and all I can do is be sulky and irritable.

O, ye, also when I feel like this I sometimes sound super sentimental and look like an idiot. its like theres no winning.

Either be an idiot or be an d*ck.

Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to write down this

Comments

  • DeshyDeshy Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Fenix wrote: »
    Sometimes its seems impossible to be nice. No matter how I try I come out as a Ahole. I feel theres sometimes nothing to do to be nice to people and all I can do is be sulky and irritable.

    when you are sulky and irritable who is suffering? Who is in dukkha?
  • thickpaperthickpaper Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Fenix wrote: »
    Sometimes its seems impossible to be nice. No matter how I try I come out as a Ahole. I feel theres sometimes nothing to do to be nice to people and all I can do is be sulky and irritable.

    I sometimes suffer from this, but for me the bouts occur when I am being nice, unlike your variant strain.
    Either be an idiot or be an d*ck.

    I don't see why you think this might make you a duck. Nonetheless, welcome to being human. The secret is, don't to attach yourself to just being a twat, dick, asshole, asshat, cock or stupid ****er; just get on with trying to maximise the peace and truth and happiness in all you can.

    Dharma certainly makes you nicer, unlike, say devil worship:)






    Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to write down this[/QUOTE]
  • PietroPumokinPietroPumokin
    edited May 2010
    metta begins with yourself and radiates outwards. first, practice loving yourself. then you will be more clear in being nice to others. in metta, distinctions of self and other should fall away
  • KarikAsumaKarikAsuma
    edited May 2010
    Please be nice for its own sake, Fenix, not for any other reason like enlightenment or for any benefit. When you would be nice, just be nice. Expect no gain, no loss. Just do it for its own sake.

    That's probably the only advice I can give you. Fenix, before I replied to this post of yours, I went through your previous posts and threads to see if I could get any information that might help me help you. I think I did glean a little bit about you, but I can't say I really know you all that well.

    Thanks for reading. :)
  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    edited May 2010
    I feel theres sometimes nothing to do to be nice to people and all I can do is be sulky and irritable.
    There it is right there! If there's nothing to do, then do nothing! You don't have to be nice all the time. Sometimes its best to do nothing. Sometimes its best to just go off by yourself and be alone. Call me a selfish Hinayanist if you like, I call it battery-charging. That way, when your batteries are fully charged, you have the ability to be nice to others whereas before it was just too hard because you didn't have the energy.

    If you are feeling sulky and irritable, that is a big indicator that you are running on empty. Go and refuel! As others have suggested, Metta is a great way to refuel. Even just go and sit in a room by yourself, don't even try to meditate, just be patient and let things settle down. Also you can go spend some time in nature, go for a walk among tall trees, or if you have the time then go camping. Better yet, go on a meditation retreat from time to time. As Guns N Roses say in their song November Rain - "Everybody needs some time on their own" ...then again, GNR said a bunch of unwise things in their music, but that line is a gem.
  • TheswingisyellowTheswingisyellow Trying to be open to existence Samsara Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Great suggestions thus far, especially regarding metta and what GuyC said about giving yourself some time. My work take place in a stressful environment. I do my best to remain present and just totally cut the inner chatter. When I do this I tend to see just what is happening or what is being asked and I don't filter it through my expectations or opinions. It gives me distance to work out a thoughtful reply or action, even when the situation is intense or has been made personal. I know this is just mindfulness, but I really didn't "get it" until I figured out to get rid of the internal dialouge. This inner dialouge can be a source of ego building, anger and resentment. Also if we are too busy listening to ourselves we can't truely understand or appreciate what's going on.
    Yours in the Dharma,
    Todd
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited May 2010
    I get up in the morning and I ask myself:
    "Is there something for me to be happy for?
    Is there something for me to be miserable for?"

    if the answer is 'no', to both...
    Then I feel it is certainly better to be happy for nothing, than miserable for nothing.

    people are always saying to me, "You're so cheerful, you're always smiling, you always seem so happy...."

    One day, I had good reason to be miserable.

    And somebody said - "I thought you were Buddhist...."
    "Yes...."
    "Well, Buddhists are always happy, aren't they?"

    A friend close by, interjected.

    "Fede is one of them most genuinely happy people I know. She's always smiling. If Fede is miserable, you can bet your bottom dollar she's got good reason."

    If you're going to be happy, be happy for nothing. It's simple.
    If you're going to be Miserable, make sure you have good reason.
    Otherwise, your opportunity to be happy for nothing, will have been completely wasted.
  • TheswingisyellowTheswingisyellow Trying to be open to existence Samsara Veteran
    edited May 2010
    federica wrote: »

    If you're going to be happy, be happy for nothing. It's simple.
    If you're going to be Miserable, make sure you have good reason.
    Otherwise, your opportunity to be happy for nothing, will have been completely wasted.

    I like this:thumbsup:Thank you Federica.
    Yours in the Dharma,
    Todd
  • lightwithinlightwithin Veteran
    edited May 2010
    I find that for me, being nice is easy in normal, stable circumstances, but being nice when I'm put to the test, by an irrational person or by adversity in general, that's hard to accomplish. So whenever I manage to be nice where most other ppl wouldn't be, I feel happy and proud of myself.
  • budhabeebudhabee
    edited May 2010
    Yeah. Netflex sent me a movie (documentary) so I asked mom if she wanted to watch it. She is Methodist. The movie was if Jesus went to India or not. Everytime someone spoke in the movie my mom would adlib her beliefs in a heated manner. GRRRRR. About the 4th time this happened I told her "Mom calm down its just a thought and a documentary." So she kinda smiled and she calmed down. So the Dalai Lama was coming on the Today show and I mentioned it. I told her "Hey the Dalai Lama is coming on the Today show, im going to watch that. So when he came on Mom picked up the paper and started to rattling it around and shaking it and I couldnt hear the Dalai Lama for all the snapping and stuff she was doing with that paper. She wasn't even reading it.

    She really seemed to convey how she could care less that the Dalai Lama was on the Today show but in the process of all her not caring I COULDN'T HEAR THE DALAI LAMA! Goll dang that old woman. (heh heh)

    GRRRR
  • lightwithinlightwithin Veteran
    edited May 2010
    budhabee wrote: »
    Everytime someone spoke in the movie my mom would adlib her beliefs in a heated manner. GRRRRR. About the 4th time this happened I told her "Mom calm down its just a thought and a documentary." So she kinda smiled and she calmed down.

    This went very well from my point of view. You didn't snap at her and she got the point and calmed down a bit, so you should feel proud of yourself for being nice when it would have been sooo easy to just yell at her.

    Family members can put you under some real stress, so I know where you're coming from. Keep up the good work.
  • budhabeebudhabee
    edited May 2010
    Ty Lightwithin....course...the Dali Lama is a lil bit hard to understand sometimes. Some of what he said I wasnt sure of what he said. But mostly I understood it. What a sweet man he is. He sure is trying his hardest to bring the world to a peaceful collaberation. Boy...and we all know that's gonna be a rough ride for any immediate results. But like he said we are seeds. We can plant these seeds into ourselves and then try to to become an actual human being. I have heard it said we are the unshakable race of humanity. I think we are headed in the right direction. Because it gives us tools to work with ourselves and to accept our failures and faults as part of the package. I find the more I read about Buddism I could just kick myself for not giving it a try years ago...ya know? I mean I was reading all this other stuff about theology and gnostic and kabbalah so one would naturally progress on into Buddism you would think! But Nooooo.....do you think I would pick up at least one book of Buddism in all those years. Jeezo pete it's kinda like "Well DUH!" (heh heh)
    I have been learning so much. And this is a wonderful forum to learn things.
  • DisneyDisney
    edited May 2010
    Expect no gain, no loss
    This sounds very lovely, but how to achieve?
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited May 2010
    This sounds very lovely, but how to achieve?

    You can practice during meditation by being spacious with the thoughts that arise. Just let everything be as it is. Do nothing but return from lost.
  • budhabeebudhabee
    edited May 2010
    Jeffrey wrote: »
    You can practice during meditation by being spacious with the thoughts that arise. Just let everything be as it is. Do nothing but return from lost.

    Yeah for sure cause people basically are fun. So let them become in their own way in their own time. Plus for sure Im like a kid in a candy store and am trying to work on myself and thats gonna involve some doggone time. But I sure do agree that people are slowly becoming more compassionate but I give it another fifty years for progression. Course I won't BE here. heh heh. Or maybe I will? I am praying and hoping all of the world will see the futility of arguing over religions but.....well....ok 50 years may be off a little but ya never know aye?
  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `   South Carolina, USA Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Aw shucks! All you people are so derned NICE!
    I really liked what GuyC contributed. When people are all exhausted and worn out they just need a rest in order to cope, let alone cope with a smile.

    You all are so nice!
  • Subjectivity9Subjectivity9
    edited May 2010
    Fenix,

    I have a friend who is VERY high strung. If he doesn’t exercise quite frequently the energy builds up until he is ready to POP a gut. : ^ (

    "Run for the hills...every man for himself!"

    After exercising with his weights (Thank God and all of His angels), he is as mellow as a kitten. "Hooray!"

    Irritation, and anger are often simply a sign of excess energy building up, not bad energy nor good energy necessarily, because energy is just energy. It is how we use our energy that makes all of the difference.

    Exercise is certainly a better way to use energy than knocking someone else's head off with our fists or nasty words, or even what is called 'Stuffing it down" into our own body in the form of depression.

    It is a sign of wisdom to be into self-management, rather than simply reacting or doing nothing outside of gritting our teeth and biting our tongue…Ouch!

    Q: "It is in protecting ourselves that we protect others."

    Friendly Regards,
    S9
  • DazzleDazzle
    edited May 2010
    Hi Fenix,

    You might find the information and instructions helpful at this link:


    http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm


    Kind wishes,


    Dazzle







    .
  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    edited May 2010
    budhabee wrote: »
    So when he came on Mom picked up the paper and started to rattling it around and shaking it and I couldnt hear the Dalai Lama for all the snapping and stuff she was doing with that paper. She wasn't even reading it.

    Wow! That is uncanny! It appears as if your mom has studied John Cleese's "How To Irritate People"
  • budhabeebudhabee
    edited May 2010
    GuyC wrote: »
    Wow! That is uncanny! It appears as if your mom has studied John Cleese's "How To Irritate People"

    Ahee hee Ahee....you got THAT right Guyc. Im glad I have at least a little since of humor. he coulda been talking about the beans in China for all I know. (heh heh)
  • TreeLuvr87TreeLuvr87 Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Good point about how metta starts from within. First step is to NOT get frustrated with yourself when you have "mean" thoughts or behaviors. Accept it. Say, "I see you meanness," to acknowledge that it is part of you - and don't judge those feelings and don't judge yourself for having them. It's a natural part of all of us.

    Don't let it become a vicious cycle. You get mean, you get mad at yourself for it, you take that frustration out on someone else by being mean, you get mad at yourself, etc.

    I'm mean sometimes but I still have a ton of very happy, loving friends in my life.
  • shadowleavershadowleaver Veteran
    edited May 2010
    I regularly find myself in situations where I should restrain myself in order not to be mean to others. It is true that for any frustration there are underlying causes and it is best to address them. However, that takes time and while "on the spot" I have found that it really pays to restrain yourself. I like the expression "being like a log" that I read in a book on Buddhism by Pema Chodron: if you're boiling inside, make an effort to not express anything. If I act impusively on my negativity, the problem always gets exascerbated.

    Another thought I have regarding this is that "being nice" isn't really necessary-- what's much more necessary is not being a jerk. Being nice should come out naturally and if it doesn't, that's just fine. In that case just being, without expressing much, is good enough. Perhaps if one is attached to a certain self-image of a "nice person", the tendency to act grumpy is is going to increase because the said self-image doesn't correspond to reality and is basically a delusion, powered by wishful thinking.
  • lightwithinlightwithin Veteran
    edited May 2010
    shadowleaver wrote: »
    Another thought I have regarding this is that "being nice" isn't really necessary-- what's much more necessary is not being a jerk. Being nice should come out naturally and if it doesn't, that's just fine. In that case just being, without expressing much, is good enough.

    I totally agree with this. It's not necessary to bend over backwards for others and to comply to every one of their requests, or just overly focus on niceness. Sometimes it's enough to just listen and be neutral.
  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited May 2010
    Sometimes being nice is not nice at all. I won't justify my own lack of niceness, but there have been times when someone has been very un-nice to me, hurt my feelings (ego) deeply, and in so doing has demonstrated a deeper compassion.
  • FenixFenix Veteran
    Why do some people hate me and say bad things about me when I have never even talked once to them?
  • FenixFenix Veteran
    I can never join a real sangha cause I'm such an unpleasant person?
  • YishaiYishai Veteran
    edited May 2011
    Why do some people hate me and say bad things about me when I have never even talked once to them?
    Some people will judge you just on outward appearance/expressions/mannerisms. This is part of human social psychology. This can't really be fixed. You can, however, accept that some people have nothing better to do than to judge others. I'm not an approachable person; so, I have accepted that. It's not that I am mean/ungrateful/disgusting; I just don't attract open conversation.
    I can never join a real sangha cause I'm such an unpleasant person?
    A sangha should be understanding of you. Also, you'll likely meet many nice people there. Just by being around nice people you will begin to subconciously adopt their speech patterns, do's/don't's, etc. I would strongly suggest finding a sangha. A sangha is important even from just the practice's standpoint.
  • santhisouksanthisouk Veteran
    I think the problem here is that we are trying to be nice to people in order for them to treat us the same way. Well sometimes people will not respond to our "being nice". We have to learn to be open minded and accept everything the way it is. Its better to learn this first before we set out to be a certain way or act a certain way. Learning to live happily with ourselves, and live happily amongst everyone is about all we can do. The only thing we need to change about ourselves is accepting and detaching.
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    Sometimes its seems impossible to be nice. No matter how I try I come out as a Ahole. I feel theres sometimes nothing to do to be nice to people and all I can do is be sulky and irritable.

    O, ye, also when I feel like this I sometimes sound super sentimental and look like an idiot. its like theres no winning.

    Either be an idiot or be an d*ck.

    Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to write down this
    Hi Fenix -- I think trying to be nice is almost always a recipe for disaster -- the time when you just get fed to the teeth with your own imagined virtue.

    Rather than trying to be nice or loving or kind or compassionate or any of the other over-used words, I think it is better to just watch carefully what is going on. Just keep an eye on things. Nice comes and nice goes. Cranky comes and cranky goes. Expecting to be nice all the time, like some plaster saint, is like sticking a nail in your eye. Just watch -- stay alert to what is actually going on and little by little what comes and goes just comes and goes.
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