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<!-- google_ad_section_start -->I am a 31 yrs old male, but i still feel very guilty for a teenage peeping incident, back when i was 15 to 16, i stuck a very small hole at my house toilet and peeped at my uncle wife bathing at a few occasion, i did not know why i did that, maybe my pruperty and curosity for ladies, i stop after a few sessions after i felt i should not do that anymore.
Now whenever i see my uncle or her wife, i feel very guilty and very regretful, some more i am not caught, i feel very much like confeesing to her but do not have the courage, what should i do,,,so guilty
I understand from buddhism that if i do not really say sorry and repent to the person i will recieve negative karma and future effects, but i do not have the courage and i fear the reaction from her and my love ones; i am also worried if i will cause any further negative karma if i confess, will she feel annoyed, anxiety due to this so confused, please help<!-- google_ad_section_end -->
Should i confess to her, i start to think whether what i did will cause any negative more karma that i do not know
like someone who took over the house notice the hole which i attempted to mend and used it like what i did, could i have cause another bad karma
So confused and worried
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Comments
When I was 12, my paino teacher was wearing a blouse with one button too much loose, so I kept staring at her breasts.....she found out and said 'do you have a proper view'.....I was so ashemed at the moment hahahaha I thought I would die.
At the age of 16 your brain, body and penis is filled with testosterone, making you a sex machine! Stop blaming yourself dude...
It would be a little bit off if you are still peeking:)
We all make mistakes. That hole was invasive to your aunt's privacy, and was obviously not a good decision on your part. It sounds like you have repented enough. I don't think you need to tell the aunt. If you feel it would make her upset to know the truth, then I feel it is enough that you confess to us... what is important is that you offer the actions to more than yourself for help.
So, how to let go of your past mistakes? I find two steps help a lot. The first is to accept that we make weird decisions as we find out who we are and how to walk a moral and compassionate path. If your son or daughter made the same mistake, you might be angry with them, but you would certainly forgive them... especially if they had genuine remorse. Try finding some forgiveness for the 16 year old kid who did a dumb thing.
Next is to recognize that making that decision is boosting your compassionate understanding now. You have a better knowledge of boundaries, feel more empathy, and have a mindfulness of your actions that is in part alive because of making and reflecting on the mistake. Now that you know your actions are real, and have a real resonance with the people around you, I am sure you are more careful in the decisions you make.
With warmth,
Matt
Don't worry about it. You don't have to confess, you can let it go. You were just a kid. The thing to be aware of is your behaviour now as an adult. Focus on your conduct now.
Just remember "guilty" that the compulsion to do so is your own. and not an objective necessity
I'm not sure, but I think you may have misunderstood what both Matt and I have said. We aren't suggesting he confess to his aunt, if that's what you think. He already confused, Richard, in the OP, and both Matt and I agree that that's enough. Also, neither one of us implied that it's an "objective necessity," but I do happen to think it's helpful to get something that's bothering you off your chest rather than keeping it inside, churning up guilt every time something reminds you of it; and I hope doing so here gives guilty some peace of mind.
I also wanna confess that I lied when myfamily found outabout the hole and ask around who did it, I was asked and put of fear I say I did not, now thinking back , I should have confessed
I read that if you are truely repentent you should apologised to the person or your sincerelty will seem shallow in Buddhism and negative karma will not be stopped is it true?
Thanks again
guilty
You know the sincerety of your guilt, regret, and apology. The "negative kamma will not be stopped" until you accept that you've changed, that you were a kid and made a mistake, that you truly are sorry for what you did, and YOU forgive yourself and let go of it. Kamma is in no one's hands but your own.
The best apology to your aunt, is that you stopped what you were doing because you knew it was wrong. I think, actually apologizing to her, would only be for yourself, and would hurt her. And I think, if you went through with it and saw that, it would only make you feel worse, too.
Seem shallow as in not sincere , as normally people who are sincere in sorry will say sorry.
I also thinking if i should really apologise, may hurt her but in fact she should feel angry with me cause she is the victim and not get hurt right, but i dont have the courage
Okie noted your point will try to forgive myself, thanks
In her reality, nothing ever happened; only in your reality is she a victim. By telling her, you'll be MAKING her a victim. Personally, if someone did that to me, I would not want to know about it so long as they sincerely stopped. I wouldn't even care if they felt bad, so long as they weren't doing it anymore. But if I knew that someone had invaded my privacy in such a way, I would feel humiliated, not so much angry (and frankly, filling someone with anger isn't exactly the noble path, either), and completely paranoid. Maybe that's just me, but... just my womanly opinion.
I see, i am also worried what happen if she know i have been peeping, and she choice to keep quiet, will she feel paranoid, aiyo if like that i have cause her harm also
hai..really cannot do wrong things
I think Valtiel is hitting on the right point here. Revealing your mistake to your aunt would be selfish, because it would bring her into the mistake with you. This isn't just about you and your feelings, but about her and her feelings.
Your sincere repentance is enough... telling your aunt would only be for yourself, and she does not need to know to be happy.
The time when you should confess to the person is when they are carrying a feeling of guilt or shame that belongs to you. For instance if someone thought they acted wrongly, but you were the one that acted wrongly. It is a measure of your sincerity to be willing to offload the responsibility from the other's shoulders. In your case, your aunt is free from anything connected to that hole.
You were only a kid, really... its ok you made a mistake, you can let it go.
With warmth,
Matt
"Got to"? "Must"? To appease his own guilt regardless of how it might affect her?
No, and likewise, if you abuse someone, rape someone, take a big shit on someone.. those things won't happen.
"So I cut a hole in the bathroom wall and watched you wash your lady bits several times years ago, among other things... can we talk about it? Cup of tea?"
I am amazed that some people think no harm would come from telling her. To know that in a family home, where you should be safe, your privacy was completely invaded like that, would be incredibly upsetting and humiliating. And telling the husband of the woman? Yeah, that will go over well, too. If you're looking for punishment but not to hurt her, then that's the route I'd take - HE would be very unlikely to tell her, because it would hurt her, but he'll more than likely be sure to punch you square in the face.
In my culture, i could see my ants and family just laugh it off, have a bit of fun with it...
In some arabic cultures, i could see there could be some major problems arising from discussing this.
If it is going to cause problems, I cannot think of a reason why you would want to do this. You should always do your best not to create suffering in others.
Thanks for all your view, i am getting confused after reading so many opinions, as i gather it is difficult to know what her reaction will be and i may get my uncle in a difficult position and our relationship will be strained, who can accept someone peeping at his wife,
hence i really do not know how to confess, should i say i do not have the courage.
That why i think i am feeling stressed out. Maybe i should tell a close friend or my mother right maybe i will feel better
What do you all think?
So i conclude that confessing i just to feel better, not will make the bad karma less or even disappear
Do you think the mistake you did while you were a kid like 15 to 16 years old is a servere bad karma?
I understand is a breach of the five precepts right?
To confess to her now would not be kind ... it would make her feel bad.
Admit to yourself that you made a mistake. Notice your regret, then resolve not to do it again and let go of the regret. Then don't do it again. Please make your decisions based on what is the kind thing to do, not based on whether or not your karma will "punish" you.
Sometimes we use guilt to punish ourselves, to hate ourselves. This is just as self-preoccupied as being conceited.
My teacher (a Tibetan monk) says that the only value to feeling guilty is if we decide not to make the mistake again. But if we keep on feeling guilty, this is not good.
YOU control your kamma. Notice how you're letting this tormet you 15 years later. THAT is your kamma. You have changed, you regret your action, and apologize for your mistake... and so truly all that's left is to forgive YOURSELF. Change your kamma. It's entirely in your control.
Your transgressions are forgiven.
With gratitude
living with this burden for so many years.
Karma in action
since you don't know how they will react, don't take a chance and don't tell her.
so yes, you've paid your due, more than enough. Time to forgive yourself and let go of this burden that you carry around.
Do you all think i should confess to my mother and ask for her advise or it is her brother wife, than not so wise right?
You recognize you made a mistake, well done!
The next step is that you must forgive yourself. Noone else can do this for you. You must forgive yourself. You must forgive yourself.
Then the final step is to let go, forget it, its history, its dead, done, finito.
It really is that simple. Perhaps not easy, but definitely that simple. Why complicate things and make more of it than you have to?
If you asked your mother for advice what do you think she might say that would be any different to the advice we have given?
Best Wishes,
Guy
now no more whenever my mind want to think of the images I seen last time I will use my mindfulness and resolve to deflect it not easy but I am determined to do it
it does however make me feel a liitle guilt if I think of gals especially those I know now and fantaise
i do not know why but I guess I want to confess to close ones to make me feel better, that not right but I just feel this way
Our sex drive is not rational, it doesnt care. Thats just its nature, no shame. So give yourself a break, be mindful, don't act-out, and move on. Guy said it all.
all the best.
Upsetting another person because you want to feel better does not seem like a wise choice to me. In addition, the consequences of your actions cannot be avoided. It sounds as if you have and are suffering as a result of your behaviour already.
with love and kindness
Yet I should accept that the consequence could Norbert avoided but I do hope it will be small and not cause any more bad karma
Fill up that hole with cement and just accept what you did, without telling anybody. If you confess thatto your aunt, maybe she will take it as a sick joke...so, it's better to keep that for yourself.
Just relax dude, as the others said your guilt is your karma. Let it go, any healthy boy does stuff like that The clever ones don't get caught
another bad karma right if I had admitted at that time I may have felt better
"in case she knows I am peeping"? What do you mean "am"? Are you still doing it?
No i am not doing now, okay let me confess in total what happen
When i am around 15 years old, i struck a hole in the toilet door using a sharp object..i tried to see if can see anything, i peeped and saw my sister one glance..i back out immediately cause i know i should not peep at my sister.. i felt regretfully at that instance
After that i peeped at my auntie around 2 occassions, (i did not feel that i should not peep at my auntie at that time, maybe she is more distance, not related by blood, i only thought of wanting to see, and try not to get caught) i only saw her upper body for 2 short while like aound 1 minute, on one accasion, she seems to know there is a hole and came close to see, i panicked and went off. ( that is why i dont know till now if she knows i am peeping) i also attempted to peeped at others but luckily i did not suceed after a while i felt i should not have done that and i mend up the hole with some soap. I think after that my another auntie found out about the hole patched up and asked who did that but i dare not admit.
So this thing was until now 15 years, i feel guitly on and off for doing that, i feel guilty when i see my sister and auntie,
I feel more guity when i see my uncle and i thought if my wife was peeped at how would i feel if my wife is being peeped at
It is during the recent mediation on vesak day that this guilt was so strong and i felt i need to confess and apologise after reading on how to repent
This is the my life story 15 years ago in total
So sinful right
Not really. It wasn't the right thing to do, but there aren't many teenaged boys who have the chance to look at a naked woman and pass it up. I assure you that we've all done things we regret and most of us have done "worse" things than that. But, I don't know what more you want from us. You quite frankly have very few options: either you forgive yourself and listen to what we've all said, or you tell your aunt/family and more-than-likely hurt her and cause at least some awkwardness in the family, or you live with this feeling of guilt and keep quiet for your aunt's sake. It's your choice though, and no matter how many times you ask or in how many new ways, we're going to keep telling you the same thing... let it go and forgive yourself, you corrected your behaviour and clearly regret your actions...
thanks for your advise I will try to forgive myself
One last question because I patched up with just soap, I moved out of the house around 12year ago and sold it to another person what I did could it cause another person to use the hole to peep again is this indirect bad karma?feel like going back to check but I do not know the new owner
how?
And please, please, please read this article on kamma: http://www.unfetteredmind.org/articles/karma.php
Hindu kamma has no place in Buddhism. If you want a religion that offers punishment and reward, Christianity is that-a-way. You seem completely obsessed with this idea and it's just going to keep eating away...
You are a human being... As human beings we learn from our mistakes... sometimes we need to repeat the lesson over and over and over before we learn from it and ensure we no longer make those same mistakes...
Be thankful that you learned your lesson so early in life... What if you had not done what you did when you were young and did not learn your lesson with someone who would have made you feel a higher level of guilt than say if you had peeped on perfect strangers whom you felt nothing to feel bad for... You could have spent the past 15 years a roving peeping Tom... I hear in the papers these days about men who sneak into women's bedrooms at night and watch them sleep and only leave once the woman has awoken enough to realize someone is there... That behavior can also lead to more heinous ones as well...
You did a juvenile thing, so what... you were a juvenile... The most important thing was that you learned a valuable lesson and no one was harmed by it... Only your mind perceives that they would be harmed had they known... well, if you wish not to harm them then keep it to yourself... walk away from it... you learned a valuable lesson from them... your guilt is a testament to that lesson... But what more is there to learn from this that you have not yet learned... the lesson is over and you have passed...
Move on... There are many more lessons in life to learn, don't let your dwelling in the past overshadow the lessons of today that you might miss because your focus is elsewhere...
If you truly still feel the need to repent then do something constructive and which will not cause harm, join a group or cause that supports or aids women... Donate to centers for battered women, some external action that will elevate your guilt but elevate the suffering of women as well...
Telling your auntie will not reduce suffering and most likely will not make you feel any better.
Your guilt has no place in Buddhism. You really just need to get over yourself
You act like you've done the worst-thinkable crime ever..
Let me tell you something which makes your bad karma seem like water:
When I was 17 I got a job. That job was to clean after pigs who were checked by a vet before they were sent south to grow up and made into food for human consumption.
I also organized the loading and unloading of the pig-trucks, as well as I cared for the pigs who had to wait a day before driving south (fed and watered them, arranged proper conditions for them etc.)
I worked as a joint in the business of slaughtering animals. Buddhists are forbidden to do that.
Furthermore, some of the thousands of pigs would be ill or by some other reason (size) unfit for transportation. It was my job to kill them. Yup, I've killed more than 2500 pigs during those 9 month's of work at the export-stables.
And I live a good life today, I have no bad consciousness. I try to be nice to all animals I meet, and that way make up for it a little. It's hopeless though..
You saw something you weren't supposed to see.. C'mon.. It ain't that bad karma
Bringing it up with people now, over a decade after the fact, on the other hand, could cause embarrassment and confusion. In other words, cause suffering when before there was none.
Young males go literally crazy over sex and that's just nature. As long as they don't harm anyone I think there's no issue with that. It's just a stage.
Have you thought about talking with a counselor or a therapist or a psychiatrist about this? This degree of guilt and anxiety just does not seem proportionate at all. This could be symptomatic of depression or a serious anxiety disorder.
if the new owner of the house used the hole to do the same thing, could I have cause some harm that I do not know. Should I try to visit the house and warn them of the potential problem or see if they are well due to the hole. It is patched up but easily to become hole again
if they discover is patched up could this arouse their evil mind and cause potential harm to another person