How to help someone who will not change?

Patient_Wesley

This is a very personal question to me, but I think it is very important. My mother is an alcoholic, and she relapses very often. I have forgiven her and I truly hold no anger for her actions because I understand that she is holding something inside of herself that she cannot let go, but her behavior is causing her a lot of suffering and she will not stop it even though she realizes it is self-destructive. She has tried psychiatrists, counsellors, AA, everything. I do not know how I could help her, and what does hurt me is how she is destroying herself through this behavior. I think she needs to take responsibility for herself first and foremost, and she needs to stop suppressing whatever thing is causing her self-destructive behavior, but she will not allow herself to come out of this hole.

Would anyone know what to do?

compassionate_warrior

It's hard to say without knowing much about her. Does she have any trauma in her history? Unresolved Post Traumatic Stress, maybe? That's easier to address than you'd think, with the right technique, and if whatever the emotional issues resolve, she may no longer need to "self-medicate" as they call it. Though kicking any habit isn't easy.

By the way, how long has this been going on? Alcohol trashes the internal organs, you know. People die from complications caused by alcoholism. Have you been attending Al-Anon? Might not be a bad idea.
Blessings,
C_W

Mountains

As painful as it is, ultimately only *she* can change herself. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do "to" or "for" her if she doesn't truly want to change herself. Destructive behavior is a symptom of underlying dis-ease, and it's impossible for anyone outside her head to know what the source of that dis-ease is. It may be impossible for her to grasp in this lifetime. Sadly, it seems to me there are just some people who are destined to go through life as tortured souls. As Buddhists, perhaps the best we can do is to wish her well and wish for her an auspicious rebirth in the next life. I know none of that probably makes you feel any better, but in my experience, that's the way life is.

Peace

Patient_Wesley

It may be a cause of some trauma in her childhood that even I do not know, but she has been a binge drink for the whole of her life. I know only she can change herself, but it is still hard for me to just let her suffer, of course being Buddhist I do not want suffering upon anyone, and I see her suffering more than most others since I am so close to her.

But indeed I do think that maybe I must just wish her the best and set my mind upon helping others, and help her when she decides she is ready.
Thanks for the comments.

pegembara

The greatest teacher is reality or life itself. The reason why we suffer is that we are struggling against reality. Alcohol is a form of escape from pain. As Buddhists all one can do is to offer whatever support one can and keep an eagle eye for signs of the sufferer opening up and allowing the Dhamma into their hearts.

With Metta

Daozen

My heart goes out to you. Of course you want to help her, that is only natural - she is your mother. The fact that you care so much shows that, despite her problems, she raised you OK. Or maybe you found your own way to the person you are now. In either case, as i think you know already, you cannot lead her life for her, and indeed, you are not and CAN not be reponsible for her. All you can do is find ways to celebrate the goodness in yourself, herself, and your relationship to each other, and hope that by this light she may find a way to heal herself.

Namaste

laurajean

My situation with my alcoholic mother may be very different than yours, and I realize this isn't a very "Buddhist" answer, but I eventually came to the conclusion to end contact with my mother. She was not only self destructing, but I too was self destructing trying to "save her". In order for my own health and well being, I needed to step out of the picture and leave her to her battle. I wish I had better advice for you, everyone's situation is different, and it sounds like you care very much, but remember to take care of yourself in the process. Good luck, and peace.

Simonthepilgrim

@Patient_Wesley : It took me a long time and years of training to learn the hard lesson: I don't know what to do about myself so how could I 'save' my alcoholic mother or, even, my addict son? As I learned from A.A., "Together we can...", and I told my friends. At the heart of all addictive households that I encountered over those years, I found two connected elements: shame and secrecy. I had to learn to "wash my dirty linen in public", just as you are doing here, P_W. The best of my friends and the wisest gave me love; others gave me advice. The love served me better and still does.

I tried support groups and came to admit that I was using them to carry on caring for others as an avoidance mechanism. "Avoiding what, precisely," my internal therapist asks in his Viennese accent and with my father's/Sigmund Freud's glasses. Truly, P_T, I don't know,precisely. But I have some hints.

The best way I have found (so far) to enable those around me to heal is to be the best Simon that I can be, wounded but open to my own healing. I hope that you, too, will find your way through these dark times.

lightlotus

I agree with simonthepilgrim on this one - a person will only change when faced with a rock bottom moment.

Do you know what her fear is? If you can find it out it might be worth playing on that fear to get a reaction to trigger her to stop - for example I use this on my diabetic friend everytime we have lunch together and she is drinking too much I remind her of the last stay she had at a hospital. In most cases a need for change has to come from within.

genkaku

Echoing Simon, but with a little more push: Take...care...of...yourself. My mother was a pill and alcohol addict and naturally, I 'cared.' But what I found was that that 'caring' was too often a mask for my own problems, my own hurt, my own confusions. I should have tried Al-Anon, but I never did.

Just to reiterate -- however hard it is, take care of yourself.

kc39850p

I don't know about the rock bottom moment thing. My brother's an alcoholic, and when he hit rock bottom he became suicidal. It depends on the person. What will work for one person will not work for another. Some people hit rock bottom and say I have to change, others hit rock bottom and give up on everything. Trying to figure out what's best for someone you know by asking people who don't know this person won't work. An alternative might be to become more open. Show your mother yourself and how what she does hurts those around her, but never stop supporting her. It's easier said than done though. I mean, yes it's easy to let someone know you love them, but hard to express exactly how they fit into your persona and life and how what they do affects you.

I wish I could help more, my brother's better, but that's because he fell in love. Even then, he still relapses from time to time. I don't know if it's possible to ever change that. You can change everything about yourself, other people though, you can only do so much. Good luck to you, I hope you can help your mother more than I could help my brother.

Patient_Wesley

Thank you all, it is quite frustrating to talk to her. I have tried many of these things, showing love and forgiveness all the time. Not giving her advice, just being there for her, giving her advice, nothing seems to work. No psychiatrist or therapist has done any better. It seems that maybe it IS best to let her sort it out herself without me...there. It causes too much pain otherwise. Maybe she will see that their is a reason for me letting her be...but I do not know though.

footiam

It would be easy to just watch if you are not the son.

[DeletedUser]

You may try mantra or sutra recitation and transfer the merits of your cultivation of peace-loving kindness over to her, every day.

Jeffrey

I gave up alcohol and looking back this teaching described how it was:

Patient_Wesley

An article on compassion helped me some on this site: http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/compassion.html
It is the answer to the very last question on the page. I have helped others get through their struggles, and I realize that I have not helped her in the same way. Because I got so frustrated, I do not stay patient with her, I must just be there for her, express that I am worried her actions are going to destroy her and I just want to help. If she ever wants to tell someone her feelings or needs help than I am here. It is obvious she has never really fully shared her feelings with me, so maybe I need to keep my advice to myself and allow her to see that I can listen to her problems and help her the best I can because I care.

Thank you for the video as well, it seems like it can help a lot. Thanks for all the comments, in fact. It means a lot .

taiyaki

Just work on yourself and be there for her. If she's willing to hear some wisdom from you, go for it but usually people don't want others to tell them what to do. Just show through your actions your love for her. That is really all we can do in the end. People have to make their own decisions in the end. You cannot force people to change.