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How do you deal with rude people?
Dandelion
London Veteran
Hello forum members.
As is the case for all from time to time, we encounter rude people, and yes, they are viewed as our teachers, from a buddhist perspective. But, how to deal with those situations is something I really struggle with. My main encounters with rude and aggresive people are at work. I have two jobs, one in the morning where I work in a bakery and serve customers, and then when I go home, as an artist. The artists life earns me very little, hence the need to supplement my income with my morning job. On the whole, as a little part time job, it's ok, I don't mind being there. Modern life is stressful for everyone, and living and working in a busy city I see a lot of anger, aggression, and gereally rude behaviour. Bad manners. I struggle to deal with customers like this, and at the end of every week on my day off i'm left feeling like a zombie that just needs to sleep. I don't really know what it is I need to change about myself in order to deal with this effectively, but obviously something needs to change. I try really hard to have compassion. In my local post office, there is a sigh saying 'rude and aggresive people will not be tolerated', I wish the bakers had one of those too. It seems to me, that knowing how to deal with rude people in a way that doesn't cause offence to them, but at the same time makes it clear you're not at work to be abused, is a skill worth learning, and a skill I would like to learn. And preferably by 6:30 am on Monday morning lol!
As is the case for all from time to time, we encounter rude people, and yes, they are viewed as our teachers, from a buddhist perspective. But, how to deal with those situations is something I really struggle with. My main encounters with rude and aggresive people are at work. I have two jobs, one in the morning where I work in a bakery and serve customers, and then when I go home, as an artist. The artists life earns me very little, hence the need to supplement my income with my morning job. On the whole, as a little part time job, it's ok, I don't mind being there. Modern life is stressful for everyone, and living and working in a busy city I see a lot of anger, aggression, and gereally rude behaviour. Bad manners. I struggle to deal with customers like this, and at the end of every week on my day off i'm left feeling like a zombie that just needs to sleep. I don't really know what it is I need to change about myself in order to deal with this effectively, but obviously something needs to change. I try really hard to have compassion. In my local post office, there is a sigh saying 'rude and aggresive people will not be tolerated', I wish the bakers had one of those too. It seems to me, that knowing how to deal with rude people in a way that doesn't cause offence to them, but at the same time makes it clear you're not at work to be abused, is a skill worth learning, and a skill I would like to learn. And preferably by 6:30 am on Monday morning lol!
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"SMILE! ~ You're in a BAKERY... what could be better than that?!"
And then project what you wish to see projected back- a smile, a warm greeting and a thank you, all with a cheery disposition.
I've worked at some really downer jobs in my day, but eventually I always became the one to keep things upbeat and positive, even when dealing with rude aholes. If they did get to me (and believe me, plenty of times they did) I'd NEVER let it show until they were gone.... this made it much easier for others to do the same, and we'd laugh it off together. Positive attitudes spread, but so do negative ones.
Spread the Love, @Dandelion!
I really have nothing to add, but to say @MaryAnne has got it! I work in a hospital (and who wants to go to a hospital?) and I've met many many many unhappy patients and visitors-- especially in the ER. But truly, your disposition can turn things around amazingly. And sometimes the effect has to accumulate over time (some of the "harder cases" haha) but it works. I actually feel more energized by doing it too, whereas getting caught up in the negativity and reacting (even if only mentally) can drain me. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and the better you get at it.
"Take a sad song and make it better!"
you look pissed, or having a rough time...in the tone of a question. And then just be quiet and observant, with flat affect. Its like throwing a pebble in to the water...many times the person is not even aware of how they are acting or appear...and most will immediately change....However if they know they are, then I am short and curt yet continue with the flat affect. Most folks want to react to your affect, but if its flat they don't know how to respond or they know that you will not play their game and take it elsewhere.
Angry people are like an overstuffed balloon, unskillfully bursting with energy when their view becomes painful. It is enough pain in the world that it happens for them, there is no need to take it in or try to defend. Just look! Their anger has nothing to do with us or the external situation, they are stuck in a place of dual thinking where "things make them angry." It is rude to say "anger makes those things" because that only adds to the pressure (unless we are skillful/heartrooted enough to reach them with such an idea)
Better to do no harm, and acknowledge the truth of what is in front of us. Then as our confidence and metta grows for our brothers and sisters experiencing such painful compression, we can help them by offering metta-crumbs along their path with the hope that they find peace.
"You sound angry, which must be painful for you. I'm here for you, my friend, how can I help?"
We don't seem to want to help angry people, we call them names and invent conceptions to protect us from their energy. That armor is what chokes our metta, and gives us the illusion that we need thicker and thicker armor to stay loving in the face of such rude, inconsiderate, judgmental, angry people. Really, those conceptions create our own compression with which we suffer.
If we see people compressing and decompressing ideas and emotions with varying levels of skillfulness, we are naturally attuned to the three marks and our compression dissipates. And we become more skillful, feel less dual, remain happy, help them more authentically, etc etc.
Dealing with the angry boss is really only a matter of dealing with the false view of self that you are applying to their behaviors. When children cry, don't you wish to hug them? Do you wish to protect your ears?
With warmth,
Matt
Perhaps for a peaceful heart and mind, you could imagine your "daily absorbtions" during meditation as puffballs on the end of a dandelion. Then, with self love blow on the tip and let the moments fly into the wind so they can go back where they arose, and you can be at peace knowing they are not held tight inside you... they are simply ghosts of moments past going home.
With warmth,
Matt
I went from caring inside to showing my caring outside a lot, too much for some and others took advantage of it. I learned, with some swings back and forth, to BALANCE the two. I had to show I cared some, but not too much, and care inside some more than I sometimes showed forth (this hurt some).
Ah, monkey mind tricks.... Well, I am not dismissing your problem with that, but I had to learn to protect my over-caring nature some by not giving it all to each, so I had some caring left for the next person. Buddhism does teach that compassion for all is a goal.
I am a layperson barely scratching the surface of Buddhism now in my practice, so do not think I am trying to be the be-all or end-all here or anything like that here-- Buddhism teaches there is no being suited to serve as be-all or end-all also.
(WARNING: NSFW due to foul language and racist commentary and a bunch of other horrible things...
And I'm not saying that you should "suck it up" and take it, no. These employees, I don't think, did that. I really think these employees recognized that there may be something wrong with the customer and were sympathetic in a sense. As a matter of fact, I read somewhere in one of the news reports that the main male employee is studying to be a doctor. So you can see that he possesses a very compassionate and understanding heart. It was more than just trying to pacify the customer in this instance... it was seeing that the customer was not functioning on a normal emotional level and he felt bad for her. I think that's the key. Just realizing that the kinder you are to these difficult customers, the more you can practice your compassion and help them to see that there's no need to get angry, really.
P.S. After watching this video, even though I have been nice to customer service professionals in the past, I make sure to be *extra* nice now.
P.S. After watching this video, even though I have been nice to customer service professionals in the past, I make sure to be *extra* nice now.
Me too! When i'm not at work, i'm a customer every time I step into a retail outlet, etc. Never in a million yrs would I dream of behaving so badly.
Also, kudos to you for putting up with what you have to put up with. When I was in undergrad I did a couple customer service type jobs and luckily most of the customers were just stuck up and impatient. Some were rude, but nowhere near as scary as what you've described or in that video. My hat's off to you. Maybe the simple solution is to just find a different position in a different town/establishment? Maybe that bakery just attracts some angry people for some reason. :eek:
The customer made a comment about how her video was going to get a million hits, it makes me wonder if she's just out to get her 15 minutes of fame at any cost. The staff being collateral. ?. It's very sad indeed. Too many drugs perhaps? Who knows. It can't be much fun being the customer if that's how she really felt she needed to behave, she must be deeply unhappy. Content, relaxed, kind people don't behave like that, I do feel bad for her as well because it must be horrid to be her, in that state. Maybe someone cose to her will have the sense to try and get her help.
Anyway, my therapist likes to point out to me how there's just this common theme of people hurting me and how uncanny it is I keep ending up in the same situations with the same type of people over and over again and I'm honestly not trying to do it-- it's not like I apply for a job and go, "Hey, I wonder if there's anyone at this job who is going to destroy my life?" But the universe has a funny way of forcing us to face the issues we need to face and learn what we need to learn. So maybe you keep encountering more than your fair share of nasty, angry, abusive customers because you need to start learning to love yourself more and stand up for yourself in a healthy way? I don't mean to speak for you and tell you what to do, but I wanted to point out the possibility because it reminds me a lot of what I'm going through right now. What is the saying?... first it's a pebble... then it's a stone... then it's a rock... then it's a boulder... then it's a whole avalanche of mountain that falls on you until you learn the lesson, right?
But I'm glad your husband is going for help. Make sure you find someone you can talk to, too, if you haven't already. My ex-husband was really abusive as well. When people meet him, they love him. You'd never think he'd choked me to the point of passing out or threw me into a wall so hard that I put a hole in it. (And this is before I turned into a jaded bitch where you probably would have had every right to do so due to all of my bitterness and anger.
I deal with customers to an extent in my line of work, I tend to act like the guy in the video and pretend they're acting rationally even when they're not, that way the situation doesn't escalate and, more often than not, they calm down to the point that they realise they're being foolish and apologise.
I also like how she thought they were doing to do something nasty to her food, but that was ok because she was going to give it to her boyfriend. Lol.
So just tell them straight up and make an example out of them..
Thats what even buddha would do...
One day, when the Buddha was speaking the Dharma for the assembly, a young drunkard staggered into the room. He tripped over some monks who were sitting on the floor and started cursing loudly. His breath reeked of alcohol and filled the air with a sickening stench. Mumbling to himself, he reeled out the door.
Everyone was astonished at his rude behavior, but the Buddha remained calm. "Great assembly!" he spoke, "Take a look at this man! He will certainly lose his wealth and good name. His body will grow weak and sickly. Day and night, he will quarrel with his family and friends until they abandon him. The worst thing is that he will lose his wisdom and become stupid."
So buddha (infront of everyone) name and shamed him.. this man may have felt foolish and embarrassed but buddha did not care, he took the opportunity to name and shame him! (Buddha looked good, the guy looked bad)
We can be in control of words...
Words can lie if we want them to!
Emotions and feeling is something we cannot really control! They dont lie!
Emotiom and feeling is where 'truth' is...
So take notice of peoples emotions which surround their words.. Not their words that surround their emotions!
The wind blew in, the wind blew out. The type we just saw blows southeast, so be steadfast or we blow northwest.
With warmth,
Matt
I try to remind myself that I don't know why they are crabby or angry, and that it would be hard to live that way all the time. Sometimes just an understanding smile goes a long way, depending why they are having a rough day. Most of the people who stop into the bakery are probably on their way to, or from, jobs that they don't like, dealing with people and situations they don't like, just like you.
The way that someone interacts with you is like the tip of the iceberg - if someone is inconsiderate to your feelings then it is more than likely that they are equally inconsiderate of themselves.
If you can see a reason to be courteous then all the better for you.
The principle may be expounded even without reciprocity.
Courtesy without limit.
Now if you are attached to it....ask yourself why....why is this resonating with me? And if you want to do "therapy," imho, need to ask yourself and the person if they are willing to engage in the relationship...and you must be courageous and prepared to accept the whole thing...ya can't be repulsed, attached, or judgmental while maintaining a clear mindfulness and a state of grace, ....when this occurs healing moments happen. I visualize this as "eating or feasting on the dead and transforming it into lightness"
The energy is already in us (the resonance from the view we have, the "thorn") and by intending clear seeing (simplified into our brothers and sisters with compression/timbers) and metta (we are we after all clouds clear), when we reach out we build our ability to see our own momentum as well as build the physiological strength to accept the moment and move on. Said differently, we flow/dance with as much love as we can in each moment and the energy clears the clouds.
It even seems to work if we "do no harm", wait until the moment passes, but bring it in while its still fresh. "What was there, what was sensed, what was thought and how could I have given metta/grace." Not just "i could have given metta" but "So and so, I realize you were in pain, what could have been going on?" Not in rumination, but long enough to find genuine acceptance and take refuge again in the three jewels.
Mirroring is fine if there is too much going on, and we are choosing our battles. Or, if we're clear seeing enough to address the ignorance directly. I've had some teachers mirror in a way that blew my mind!
With warmth,
Matt
kyou to everyone for your help
It seems to me there are two alternatives in this context - either the behaviour displayed towards you will result in you remaining courteous or it will change your mental state to not.
You live with the effects of that.
If the person who has brought this to your door is already in a state where discourtesy is the order of the day then what is served by you joining him there?
It seems only to reinforce the conditions for discourtesy, both for you and the person.
Which leads back to the reason for being courteous in the first place...
But every now and then a rude person is just straight up wrong and needs to be called out on their bullshit. That's called standing up for yourself. And I do believe it should be practiced regardless if it's the Buddhist way or not.
:scratch: