Weird feeling
ajhayes
Pema Jinpa Dorje Northern Michigan Veteran
I'm going to ramble a bit, please bear with me.
I have not felt like I've had a home since 2003, when I left Dongducheon, South Korea. Being there profoundly changed me. It was my first exposure to Buddhism. The culture, people, and food just felt right. Everything resonated with me. Since coming back to the United States, I have felt very unsettled. I don't much care for the American lifestyle, especially with this culture of hate that we are nurturing.
If I was a single guy with no kids, this would be an easy decision. I would simply move to Dongducheon. However, I am married with 3 young kids and I don't want to disrupt their lives. Especially since my wife really likes where we live.
I'm feeling stuck in a place that is not my home and I really don't like it. I'm a federal employee, which I am really resenting (given my previous experience as government property in the US Army).
Apparently this post has gone from ramble to complaining. I apologize for the complaining, I try to not do that. I just really needed to get this out of my system. Thanks for following along.
Gassho, with gratitude
Comments
It is really hard to feel unsettled. I try to trust that I am where I need to be right now. It's not always easy, but I figure there must be a point to it since this is where I am right now! I have been unsettled in different ways for the past 18 months or so. It is a lot a sort of a "dark night of the soul" kind of place, but the answer I keep getting repeatedly is to calm the mind. Create peace of mind. Nourish gratitude. Stay the course. So I keep doing what I'm doing and try to trust that inner process.
For myself, I've often found when I get a desire to do something drastically different-even though I'd never leave my family I've had moments where I follow that thought train down the "what if..." hole for example - It is the same old desire for things to be other than they are. A refusal to accept the present and for me often a wish to run away from all that is uncomfortable and unpleasant. Pretty normal, I think. But once I let those sensations and feelings come up, then I can recognize them and allow them. And then the tension eases. Best wishes to you!
I despise Texas, but most of my family lives here. When I travel to other states, I hate Texas even more. Once, deplaning through a jetway after returning from the cool, crisp air of the Rockies, I ran into a thick, fn WALL of humidity. It was just suffocating on multiple levels. But truthfully, in the winter, I'd rather be in Texas than Colorado and with family than mountains.
In another thread on a different topic, you advised, "There is a pink fluffy cloud stage early on, don't let your brain fool you though." Elsewhere, @federica quoted, "Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you...."
I think @karasti’s advice is spot on. Liking and disliking is what the mind does, the essential quality of samsara. Creating peace of mind is easier said than done, but it’s what a lot of the study of Buddhism is about. Keep to the Middle way, see it through for the benefit of everyone who your life touches.
Supplement normal life with meditation and the occasional retreat, and communicate with others about what you need to get things done. Underlying frustration can do damage to family and relations as well, it’s important to try and get them on board and create a wholesome, respectful environment all-around if you can.
@ajhayes
If/when thoughts like this arise it pays to explore Tanha "craving"...
The grass is always greener on the other side (or so one thinks )
I have no words of wisdom to offer I'm afraid
I know exactly what you are saying though because I've felt it too. However, I was a coward and ran away.
But, to give an Aussie twist on @Shoshin 's comment (and hopefully bring a smile to your face):
Because it's usually fertilised with bullshit
You are a refugee @ajhayes and South Korea is your dharma homeland. Understood.
In Sufism we try to break our heart by feeling separation from The Beloved. It becomes our focus and motivation to return to the idealisation. However we stay in the state of being stateless and homeless ... and make it our home.
Welcome to samsara, the slopes of the hell realms ...
Let's picnic ...
I appreciate everyone's insight. I'm feeling a lot better getting that off of my chest. In particular, the comment that @lobster made opened up a door on an interesting series of thoughts.
Thank you again for you time and patience.
I come late to the party, but I am reminded of the quotation, that asks,
"If you cannot find Peace/Serenity/contentment where you are right now - then where else do you expect to find it?"
I daresay in your case, the question is NOT rhetorical; that is to say, you would respond "Why, in Dongducheon, of course!"
Sadly, as you point out, that option is not currently open to you. So another quotation then comes to the fore:
"If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain."
Peace cannot 'come' to you; it therefore follows (as a cart the ox
) that you must 'go' to Peace.