I'm in the midst of a 'divorce', that's workterm, we were never married. 3 kids.
Being alone now in some hostel somewere and still i feel....joy.
I've tested my own cognitive functions and emotional states, next to joy there are other more 'negative' emotions, but they don't stick. Joy has an almost constant upperhand.
Ive made an 20 page inductive and deductive research in a day. Needed it to drive out my fear of going mad. It all comes down to this.
(thank you wikipedia)
Seven Factors of Awakening
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Im fully aware of all my internal processes, and what goes around me ofcourse, i haven't lost track of reality (I manage the practical side of my divorce like a business, I maintain an balanced work-out and meditation regime, see my kids, talk kind-neutral to my ex. Etc, I KNOW what i'm doing and what is happening.
To maintain awareness of reality (dharma). ·
I've crossed checked my mental state across several diagnoses like bi-polar, ADHD, manic, schizofrenia, borderline, brain damage etc. etc. etc. none make it. The joy factor comes closest to ADHD, i'm so enthousiastic sometimes I want to share my worldly view, but people around me (ofcourse) can't seem to see a bigger connected picture. This makes me start to speedtalk, trying to get the image across. Im aware of this and working to internalize my joy's and communication a bit more.
**Investigation of the nature of reality **
Im constantly checking my own natural states, connection states, world states, etc. Im kinda doing this on autopilot, my mind keeps doing it, no effort.
**Energy also determination, effort · **
I sleep 5-7 hours a day and fully function, full-time job, personal life, it all goes like train. I used to feel shitty sometimes even after 8 hrs of sleep. Im also very effectively prioritising life discisions, and everything seems to synchronicitizing.
Joy or rapture (pīti, Skt. prīti) ·
I HAVE to mask it sometimes, otherwise I get the fruitcake label, but when i'm alone i'm singing, whistling, and have a grin of my face. I have loud deep true laughs, by myself and perfectly comfortable with it. The joy never goes into euforic xtc like experiences, it's fire doesnt consume me.
**Relaxation or tranquility of both body and mind · **
Despite my normal feelings and thoughts and the ever changing human experience sorta speak, some part of my mindstate is SOLID like, it doesnt move along, but its on the other hand not blocking or hindering the other processes.
**Concentration, a calm, one-pointed state of mind, or clear awareness · **
I can sit a lot easier, I can multitask several processes for more then two hours (and i'm a dude)
**Equanimity . **
The last month or so , before this list (looked it up and processed it yesterday, i've been telling to reallife people i am pondering a new tattoo that says c'est la vie. Not everything is fixable, life is too big. And that's ok. I've been keeping my circle of influence small automatically, and work from there trying to create situations with a good as it gets outcome for everybody.
This evaluation of seven awakening factors is one of the "Seven Sets" of "Awakening-related states" (bodhipakkhiyadhamma). The Pali word bojjhanga is a compound of bodhi ("awakening," "enlightenment")
I know, after enlightenment I need to keep on chopping wood and carrying water.
But u know, I would like some imput from you guys on this forum.
Last addition: my sense of time is.......completely gone, when I dont actively manage it (without being compulsive).
Last month could have been years or a minute I don't know lol.
Im curieus. Let's hear it. What's next, what should or can I do with this? All is open, all I know is, i need to share this, not with a shrink he will give me pills that spiritually kill me. I'm not a monk I am a lay-practisioner, 37 years old, started when I was 18.