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@kotishka said:
day-to-day routine

I think the reliance on a routine is a dangerous thing. One can ossify, slowly turning into a machine. Chaos is not a bad thing, in that it challenges you to find peace among the turmoil. That said, a routine can help one find quiet and space to meditate. The middle way between these extremes is most helpful.

continue our abiding

From what you’ve said, this person continues to not only cause suffering but disrupts your ability to practice. To me this sounds like a toxic influence that I’d keep at arms length, perhaps confined to a WhatsApp chat but not actively engaged with in person, so that you can take them in small doses and when it suits you.

keep my social sphere clean

You can tell a lot about a person from the company he keeps.

“I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was living among the Sakyans. Now there is a Sakyan town named Sakkara. There Ven. Ananda went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to the Blessed One, sat to one side. As he was sitting there, Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."

"Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.””

— The Upaddha Sutta

I think this ultimately comes down to the wisdom of skillful means, a definitive line that applies to everyone in all situations isn't going to work.

That said, I think there is some line between being able to maintain your own composure and peace of mind and extending and sacrificing that to be of benefit to others. If you're destroying yourself in the hopes of helping on the one end or sequestering yourself so you don't get a drop of disturbance to your peace of mind on the other, I feel like the balance lies somewhere between there for different people depending on the situation and their capacity or aims.

I have a regular client I work for who is a ball of stress and catastrophizing. She is wealthy and almost solely looks to manage her stress by manipulating the outside world. She builds a very nice home and life around her and regularly manages things that disrupt that bubble through anger and force. I feel like my working for her has shown her other ways of coping with the world, I've seen her adopt strategies that I use. But I'm ready to be done with working for her as it always bumps up my own stress and anxiety. She knows she's difficult to work with and as such pays well to compensate and she has other positive qualities. Its just like at some point when I start dreading a project starting there and am happy to be moving on when its done, do I really want to continue?

There are people in our lives who — even though they are or have been important to us — exhibit behavior that inevitably causes not only suffering but also becomes a potential disruptor, affecting our day-to-day routine. Like thorns or shrapnel beneath dead leaves, they latch onto us.

Some say they are the ones suffering; that we should remain calm and continue our abiding — being there for them, inviting them to meals, trying to be active with them, etc.

But at what point can one simply allow themselves a break from their presence? I mean, I hold no grudges nor ill will, but continuing to help or assist someone who is clearly manipulating you for their instrumental benefit — all while persisting in the very patterns they’ve been confronted about — feels like folly.

I know that our perception of injustice can be dangerous, as it can create a thirst for revenge or so-called “justice.”

I simply want to live and be surrounded by others who at least show some willingness to enjoy life and not harm or hate others. I know life is full of challenging times and difficult people, but until those arise, I’d rather keep my social sphere and home clean.

When can someone give up and let go? When do we draw the line between maintaining an equanimous mind and fostering a masochistic one?

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