Best Of

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing. However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race. To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: ”Priest’s Ass Shows.” Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: ”Priest’s Ass Out Front.” The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: ”Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass.” This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: ”Nun Has Best Ass in Town.” The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars. The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: ”Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.”

Sisters Agnes, Theresa and Margaret go out for a walk from the convent. They enter the local liquor store and order a bottle of bourbon whiskey.
”Sisters,” says the owner, looking concerned, ”you should not be drinking hard liquor.”
”It is not for us,” explains Sister Agnes, ”This is for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
He sells them the whiskey and the nuns leave. Later as he closes the store and walks down the street, the owner finds the nuns sitting under a tree, gulping in turns from the bottle.
”Sisters, I’m shocked,” he says. ”You told me that booze was for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
”It is,” says Sister Theresa. ”When she hears about this she will shit herself.”

Smore, the dog, keeps waiting for her "Friend" the squirrel, to show up. Said squirrel is not coming out as soap and towels have not been provided.

Do you know what borders on insanity ?

Canada and Mexico

During army camouflage, private Paddy Murphy, disguised as a tree trunk, makes a sudden move and is spotted by the general.
”You idiot!” yells the officer. ”You are supposed to be a tree. Jumping and screaming like that, you could endanger the lives of the whole platoon.”
”Yes, sir,” replies Paddy. ”But sir, I must tell you, I stood quite still when some pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved when three dogs thought I was a latrine. But I could not bear it when two squirrels ran up the leg of my pants and I heard one of them say, ‘Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter.’

(W)Eoofer (Willing Eaters of Organic Fruit)