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Am I screwing up myself by myself? Please suggest.
misecmisc1
I am a HinduIndia Veteran
Hi All,
Seems like i am screwing up myself by myself - the reason goes as below:
Till now, for the last few months i have been reading Buddha's teachings - theoretically i think i understand it a little bit - so was mentally developing this idea of no I and trying to think that i am not trying to get attach to anything.
Yesterday something happened which shattered me to pieces.
Yesterday, some misunderstanding occurred between me and my wife - then my wife said to me that she do not want to live with me anymore - the moment i heard this, i got terrified with the idea that my world is getting lost - if my wife and my daughter of 11 months leave me, my whole world will fell apart and i felt as if my life from within me is leaving me. This lead me to realize how deep attachment i have towards my wife and my small daughter. I said sorry to my wife to end the conflict and then removed the misunderstanding. After that my wife said she will not leave me. So things got back to normal.
But this incident lead me to think that - even though theoretically i am understanding there is no I and everything is a phenomena arising and passing away and every phenomena is unworthy of attachment, BUT when it came to practical reality yesterday the moment the thought of my wife and my daughter leaving me came to my mind, i found myself totally helpless of my own - i felt i could not live happily without my wife and my daughter, so such strong attachment is there - SO will i ever be able to free myself of these attachments practically?
SO, if i will not be able to free myself of these attachments, so by trying to avoid desires in this external world to avoid craving and trying to move in spiritual world - will it do any good to me? Means neither i am leading a monk life to move only in spiritual world, nor i am leading a layman's life filled with ignorance trying to take pleasure in this world by partying, going to restaurants, clubs, drinking etc. This is not to say that i am not enjoying myself with anything - i still watch TV, hear songs, watch movies etc - but i am trying to minimize it. i am trying to do meditation daily, even though that is more like just sitting having no concentration in it. So am i screwing myself by myself - neither attaining anything in spiritual world because of the above strong attachments, nor living this life by fulfilling sensual desires in this external world?
Please suggest. Thanks in advance.
Seems like i am screwing up myself by myself - the reason goes as below:
Till now, for the last few months i have been reading Buddha's teachings - theoretically i think i understand it a little bit - so was mentally developing this idea of no I and trying to think that i am not trying to get attach to anything.
Yesterday something happened which shattered me to pieces.
Yesterday, some misunderstanding occurred between me and my wife - then my wife said to me that she do not want to live with me anymore - the moment i heard this, i got terrified with the idea that my world is getting lost - if my wife and my daughter of 11 months leave me, my whole world will fell apart and i felt as if my life from within me is leaving me. This lead me to realize how deep attachment i have towards my wife and my small daughter. I said sorry to my wife to end the conflict and then removed the misunderstanding. After that my wife said she will not leave me. So things got back to normal.
But this incident lead me to think that - even though theoretically i am understanding there is no I and everything is a phenomena arising and passing away and every phenomena is unworthy of attachment, BUT when it came to practical reality yesterday the moment the thought of my wife and my daughter leaving me came to my mind, i found myself totally helpless of my own - i felt i could not live happily without my wife and my daughter, so such strong attachment is there - SO will i ever be able to free myself of these attachments practically?
SO, if i will not be able to free myself of these attachments, so by trying to avoid desires in this external world to avoid craving and trying to move in spiritual world - will it do any good to me? Means neither i am leading a monk life to move only in spiritual world, nor i am leading a layman's life filled with ignorance trying to take pleasure in this world by partying, going to restaurants, clubs, drinking etc. This is not to say that i am not enjoying myself with anything - i still watch TV, hear songs, watch movies etc - but i am trying to minimize it. i am trying to do meditation daily, even though that is more like just sitting having no concentration in it. So am i screwing myself by myself - neither attaining anything in spiritual world because of the above strong attachments, nor living this life by fulfilling sensual desires in this external world?
Please suggest. Thanks in advance.
0
Comments
you need to relax, this isn't an ordeal.
Buddhism should be a joyful calling to follow and others should see joy in your practice.
Walking the talk - that is, not just saying, but actually doing - means self-discipline, dedication and constant awareness.
but not to the point that you strangle yourself with your own learning and understanding.
ease up on yourself.
Fall down 7 times, get up 8.
Do not separate yourself from others in your family, by choosing either/or.....
enjoy TV, enjoy songs, enjoy movies.... join in with family functions and celebrations.
You have chosen a family life - embrace it!
Work with your wife to create the environment you want, don't fight against it!
This is your path - so walk it gladly!
It is appropriate. With that attachment comes suffering, that is part of the deal, suck it up!
There is nothing un "spiritual" about it, it just hurts. that's life, you make your choices.
Love your family, and precisely live the joy, and sadness, and fun, and loss, of your responsibilities.
Seriously, don't sacrifice others to some misguided version of "non-attachment".
....and finally . seek out a teacher.... really get to know a good teacher. A good one will teach about embracing responsibility as practice..
well said.
But to go a bit further when you have some time to reflect upon those events,
the way i would have seen this if it happened to me (and it did on more than one occasion
these attachments to me just means my body and mind think that i have things (them) to lose or gain.
The fear of losing such object or holding on to them get in the way of appreciating them fully for what they are, beautiful beings free to live fully out of my control and do whatever they want but that I have been lucky enough to have in my life.
So perhaps what i would do is reflect on how lucky i was to have them in my life for whatever amount of time they were up until now.
when love is unclouded by fear or greed, love can shine fully and beautifully like the sun in the blue sky
1. An ethical life.
2. Practising compassion.
3. Meditation (to increase wisdom).
The ethical life is to give us some semblance of peace. If we're ripping people off, for example, we will be worried someone will seek revenge on us.
The practise of compassion and wisdom go hand in hand. For a family man (such as myself), the practise of compassion will mean that I love my family. 'Love' in the Buddhist sense merely means to want THE OTHER PERSON TO BE HAPPY, rather than in the modern attached sense where we want the other person to make us happy.
So, in your day-to-day activities, you should be trying to make your family happy, and not physically withdrawing from the world.
I also agree with @Tosh's break down of the three part to practice. Ethics, mindfulness, metta, and meditation all inform each other, but when one is starting out they can't all be worked on at once. Give yourself time to continue learning and become comfortable in your practice and how it will begin to change your life.
Loss is severe - if you were training everyday to lift weights say and one day a car dropped on you - could you say that all your training was a waste as you couldnt push the car even one rep? or would that justify never going to a gym again and instead eating pies a plenty?
Non-attachment is not switching off - it is understanding the source of misunderstanding and dealing with reality moment to moment - use your love for your family to increase the love in your family - practice dissolving the triggers that cause disharmony moment by moment rather than dissolving the relationships or your groundings to them - this way perhaps will allow your spiritual world to be the fulfillment of the external world.
You should read jack kornfields new book bringing home the dharma.
The true dharma applies directly in all circumstances in life. So everything is fuel for practice.
The duality between laylife and a monks life is just a thought. With right effort then what true difference is there?
Let karma run its course. Nothing you can so but skillfully respond to life.
Nirvana is found in life, not apart.
Wish you the best.
Let me first say, we all have our attachments. That's only natural. Relax about it. We don't have to become a super-yogi in two months or something..
Apart from that -which was the main thing I wanted to say-, it's not an effective way to drop attachments by trying. It might get you all stressed up for it creates a sort of barrier between where you want to be and where you are. But the funny thing is, only if we accept where we are now, we progress.
Also, wanting to get rid of attachments by trying will not work because the mind won't be peaceful enough to let them go. For the same reasons having an image of "no I" without any insight to support it, is not going to work out very well. You can have this "no I" image, and be very content with it, but just wait until you bump your toe, someone calls you a swine.. or as in your case: your wife threatens to leave you. The world won't be big enough for you and your "no I"...
It's meditation that will make the mind peaceful and allows you to let attachments go. You'll be able to let go little by little; not by trying to throw things away, but by letting them be. It will take time, so give it that time. If your meditation is not peaceful, find out why.. that's your attachments right there. Those are the one you have to work with. Not so much the attachment to your wife and kid.
In short: Buddhism is a practical way of life, not a theory; don't over analyze it.
Lastly, you don't have to be ordained to practice. A bold head doesn't get you any closer to enlightenment.
Wish you much happiness,
Reflection
Play in the middle of the road.
Second, Buddhist practice isn't going to transform you into a Spock-like detached alien immune to emotional bonds, not if done right. What you do is begin to recognize emotions for what they are, understand they don't really have power over you, and then own the emotions. You will still feel fear, anger, and grief, but you don't let those emotions control your life or overwhelm your judgement. Because, love, compassion, and tenderness are still waiting right around the corner. To feel one you must be able to feel them all.
Once you can see emotions for what they are, then you can look at the situation with a clear mind. People say things in the heat of anger they don't mean. People's pride gets in the way of admitting they were wrong. Maybe there is an underlying problem that one or both of you are trying to ignore. Or, maybe the two of you caught each other at the wrong time. Only with a clear mind can you look at it.
Hope this helps.
It has nothing to do with best effort, and everything with being smart and taking it only as far as as you can SKILLFULLY handle. Compare your striving with any other quest of learning something new: you begin with easy exercises, small increments of learning, so as to avoid the pitfalls of not building the basic structure on which the rest is built on.
Look at how your little girl is learning to communicate and maneuver. Baby steps!
By being overzealous, you are damaging your marriage and in effect hurting the 2 people you love the most. That is very unskillful and not at all mindful. Whatever your actions, ask yourself if what you are doing is skillful or mindful. Does it advance your peace of mind or create doubts? Don't charge ahead if you have doubts - take the time to reconsider and research your options if necessary.
Buddhist teachings are difficult to understand and even harder to integrate into your daily life. It will take time and practice and you will make mistakes. Following the teachings will allow you to reduce the mistakes we all make, and will set a framework for you to examine your thoughts, feelings and actions -- over time. It is a slow process, slower even if your day is filled with duties such as a job and caring for your family. However, doing all of this right and with utmost care, is exactly what the Buddhist teachings require of you. Nothing to study or sit in meditation for. It is just plain common sense.
So, please do not get overrun by thoughts that you have this huge task ahead of you, needing to comprehend all of Buddha's teachings and be a master of meditation -- just do what is right for yourself and your family without being in violation of Buddha's teachings and common decency.
Do not try to to follow teachings that you do not fully understand. Your understanding of "attachment" and "non-self" is still incorrect. You NEED to set these ideas aside until you understand their role in Buddhism. Just apply what is easy to understand while you work on the rest.
Attachment. The way I see it, Buddhism warns against attaching to IDEAS, because the ideas are a fabrication of the mind, a thought construction, a certain view that is not neutral or even factual. Thoughts often wear misleading labels of good and bad - depending on a point of view, which in turn is influenced by circumstances. All that is very fluid, subject to change.
Therefor, if you attach yourself to a certain view, and the circumstances change, you will be disappointed if you are stuck on perceiving something as a given while it is really just part of a process. Or you perceive something as belonging to you for ever, while it is subject to deterioration. Or you get hooked on a certain dream for yourself or your family but the circumstances are not right. All these scenarios will cause pain and hardship when you get attached to a false idea or misleading interpretation.
Being a good father and husband means you will love your family and feel responsible for your own and their well-being. It would be tragic, if a wrong understanding of Buddhism were to cause you and your family unnecessary pain. If some ideas seem odd and impractical, DO NOT apply them until you have received reassurance from several people about their validity or advice on how to correct them.
Best wishes to you and your family
Start with the 4 Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, mindfulness, and the precepts. Those are the core teachings. Mastering just that is an accomplishment.
You're not a monk, you're a householder, so it's right to bond with your family members. It's normal to panic at the thought of losing them. It's normal to grieve if they were to leave or die. We are human. It's ok to be human. The Dalai Lama has said that it's appropriate to cry over loss. What's counter-productive is if you cling to grief. You allow the experience, let it pass through you, then move on. It's not uncommon for practitioners to think that emotions are bad. It's not about suppressing or even rising above emotions. It's about giving them their space, then letting them go.
Buddhism isn't about beating yourself up for not being perfect, or denying yourself love and the expression of love. Love, in fact, can be a vehicle to the Divine. Buddhism even encourages meditation on love.
Congratulations on handling the situation skillfully, and clearing up the misunderstanding. Show others compassion, but have compassion for yourself as well.
So my understanding of Buddha's teachings is - 'I' is just a label put to the totality of 5 aggregates. everything is a phenomena or process, which has its origination due to a cause and cessation of its cause leads to its cessation. So 'I' also is just a process changing from moment to moment. No entity is present anywhere, so no entity changes, but it is the process of change itself which continues on and on - like the analogy i read somewhere no cork in sea moves up and down, it is only sea. Since everything is just a process, so everything is empty of any inherent existence. Clinging to anything is attachment, and Buddha said all phenomena are unworthy of attachment as the attachment is the only cause of suffering because the object of attachment is impermanent and empty of any inherent existence.
Please correct me wherever my understanding of non-attachment and no 'I' is going wrong. Thanks in advance.
All the Buddha taught was the origin of stress and the cessation of stress.
you - are stressed.
You are clinging to the Dhamma so closely it's impeding your movement.
think of it a bit like this:
You walk into a room, and opposite you, covering nearly the whole wall, is the most beautiful tapestry.
but instead of standing back, and admiring how beautiful the whole picture is, you rush right up and start looking at every single individual stitch, in order to better appreciate the picture.
But all you get is a headache, and your eyes begin to hurt, and your neck gets stiff....
and all you appreciate is what each stitch looks like, but you lose its connection to every other stitch, and you fail to see the mastery of the whole scene....
stand back.
Breathe.
Relax.
Enjoy the scene.
sim-pli-fy.
Calm down.
forget 'I', cessation, and clinging.
forget attachment, origination and existence.
See the lesson of impermanence when you eat a biscuit.
that's a good start.
There is the wisdom (emptiness) element and there is the love and compassion element. Both elements are described as wings of a bird (dove?); you need both to learn how to fly. If we were to focus on just the wisdom (emptiness) aspect, we may form a nihilistic view, which would be a wrong view. And if we were to focus just on the love and compassion element we would suffer terribly at the suffering of all other beings.
Both need to be developed together, but I do believe it's a common experience for one-or-the-other to get out of sync.
Yes, the Buddha said attachment creates suffering. But the point is not to enter into extreme asceticism and give up all things that may even remotely cause clinging - the Buddha himself realized this was not the way to Enlightenment. It's not following the "Middle Path" at all. Even though the Buddha left his own family, he taught and maintained his own sangha which one could argue is a form of mild attachment.
So... what is attachment? It's the idea that one can only find happiness from external sources, and thus one chases after it.
Non-attachment is realizing that happiness is not necessarily found external to oneself (in sense pleasures, relationships, etc), but resides in oneself. It means not relying on the external world for happiness, but it DOESN'T mean one cannot be happy with things in the external world. Make sense?
You can theoretically know how a car engine works, but if it is broken, you will still not know how to repair it. It takes an engineer who has hands on experience of repairing engines to do that. Same with the mind. You can have an idea about this-and-that, but if it is not supported by insight through your own practice, as soon as some challenge comes along, you will fall - as you have noticed. And at that moment you will not know how to repair your mind. However, a skilled meditator will quickly see what it was doing and steer it in the right direction.
So please; do not approach the dhamma too much via the theoretical way. Sure, reading the Buddha's words may be useful, but use theory as a support, not as a base. The base should be your meditation. Me and others have said this and things pointing in the same direction quite a few times before. Please take our advice into serious consideration so your dhamma-practice won't be a waste of time. You can read 1000 sutras 100 times and not get any bit closer to peace.
And the practice is very easy. @federica already said it: Let it go. Let go and you will be peaceful. Your ideas and your views can also be attachments, let them all go too.
With metta,
Sabre
It's quality - not quantity.
Agree with @Sabre here - and we have all said, numerous times - try to not be so intense.... remember the sutta of the lute strings....
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an06/an06.055.than.html
you need to sit more, and think less.....
agreed that i have screwed up myself by myself..........
what most of you has suggested is to take things to meditation, so that life becomes practice itself.........so just to be clear, i think what is meant here is via the insight obtained from meditation, get these things analyzed - or - you mean to say that i sit in meditation and then think about these things? i think you mean insight obtained from meditation, because the second approach is just thinking - but just wanted to be clear about it, so please suggest.
if it is about analyzing the things through the insight obtained from meditation, then it becomes a sort of deadlock situation - for insight, jhanas are needed - for jhanas, concentration is needed - for concentration, the mind needs to be single pointed - so till the mind becomes concentrated at a single point, living in this sensual world more desires will crop up, which will disturb the mind even further.
So it seems like my destiny was to get screwed up
does life want me to know theoretically there is no 'I' and still practically I have to live with the notions of my family, my wife, my daughter, my responsibilities etc , even though there is no 'I' to begin with , so how could there be anything of 'my'?
does life want me to know theoretically that attachment and aversion are the two major stumbling blocks in the path of Nirvana, yet practically I will have to live my life with the attachments for my family, my responsibilities for their future etc ?
i understand that i cannot just throw away everything, but it has to go in stages - but somehow it is appearing to me that it is something like creating problems for me at the first place and then trying to solve it later - which seems like moving in a loop having no exit in the loop.
You are right in your questions.
Life is like a big jigzaw puzzle of parts making up a sum. We are all dependent on one another like it or not. We will never really be independent from life as a whole.
It is seeing people or things as completely independent i.e. as if they were seperate objects from life itself which is the issue. It is the issue because we think we can own them or loose them etc. Really everything 'belongs' to life.
So this sense of "my" versus "yours" is the type of "attachment or aversion" which buddhism warns us can lead to suffering. We are inclined to think everyting has independent existence and we have to work hard to keep what we have got. What the buddhist saw is that objects and people are all a part of life and there is no need to cling. We are never really alone in the grand vision of life itself, everything has dependent origination, and recognising this is what relives us from a stressful life. When we live without stress then all our relationships become easier; life flows naturally.
don't try to think about anything in particular... none of the above...just let your mind calm, watch the thoughts and let them go. Don't focus, don't insight, don't think, don't approach... just be still, be calm and relax.
STOP THINKING YOU HAVE TO SOLVE EVERYTHING AT ONE SITTING!
your life is meant to be pleasant, and you're still clinging to a result, an outcome, a resolution, a solution a conclusion. what do you mean, 'was'...? while you don't get 'letting go' you're still messing up... we keep telling you - stop winding yourself up so tight, you're a mass of knots! do you see'wife'/ Do you see 'child'?
then if you see them, they are YOUR family. they are real, tangible, human, feeling, loving, loveable, and part of your existence.
Detachment means knowing they are interconnected with you, completely, undeniably and irrevocably - but that at one point, all things must separate and be detached.
Ok, that's fine.
while you have them put everything you have, into being completely with them, part of them and loving them.
start with this - then, understand that the reality of your wife leaving - WILL happen one day. you will lose her, one day....
Whether she leaves you by separating from you in divorce, or by leaving you tthrough death. 'Life' doesn't want you to know anything. Theoretically or otherwise....
Life is just life.
HOW you live, is up to you.
you still don't get that many attachments are actually productive and good, do you?
Attachment to your family - is GOOD.
This means you face your responsibilities, you are a good, diligent, wise and loving father and husband.
you are conscientious in your care and attention.
your function is to be supportive, protective and embracing.
the moment of detachment comes when you realise - TRULY realise - that everything you are familiar with - is merely transitory, will pass, die, decay and disappear.
so for now, sit and clear your mind, find peace, enjoy the stillness of no effort, and play with your little girl...
you have the wrong idea about what a buddhist layman's life is so this wrong idea is something that can be let go of
for buddhist idea of a layman, consider reading the following links:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.055.than.html
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.062.than.html
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.2.04.piya.html
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html
http://www.budsir.org/Conlive.html
metta
Why wouldn't you be able to live with and love your family without being attached to them? That's perfectly possible. Don't confuse love with attachment.
what matters most of all is to develop right view in respect to relationship with our spouses and children
buddha taught spouse, children & family are "fires" to be tended with care because they provide our life with warmth. but if the fire is mishandled, it burns
metta
You seem to be taking huge leaps instead of taking things slowly with regards of the dharma. Buddhism can become a problem itself if you cling to it. Like a few people have said you are trying too hard. Sometimes we can learn a lot by simply slowing down and abiding with what is. Try not to over analyze everything and s l o w d o w n lol. Good luck
The introduction mentions: "The contents of this book are gleaned from the Pali Tipitaka and Commentaries, the texts of Theravada Buddhism..." by P.A. Payuto
http://www.budsir.org/Contents.html
http://www.budsir.org/Part2_3.htm
13. THE PARTNER (A good spouse)
14. THE KEEPER OF THE LINEAGE (A good head of family)
It matters everything because you can't base the Buddhist path on just one factor - for example right view. All 8 factors need to be cultivated. If you've got an idea of right view, you need other factors of the path to sustain it and make it grow. Often, it is meditation that is lacking.
In this case, because reading sutta's and thinking obviously is not working for @misecmisc1, this approach is not sufficient. Also, even though we discuss it via an internet board, I think it is quite clear there could be more calm in his mind. This is exactly what meditation can do.
Also, meditation is the basis for insight. Those are some reasons why this meditation practice is important, not only for monks but also for us lay people.
First of all thanks to all of you for helping me.
@sabre: How do you came to this idea - lol
Many of you have asked me to analyze what was the problem on that day, leading my wife to say that thing in anger to me.
Well , let me tell you all some more details - my wife (as i think is normal with any laywoman) has many desires - she wants me to take her to shopping, to beauty parlour, buy this food stuff, that cloth etc the list goes on. Now the problem is i do not want to waste my time in all these activities and instead try to use my time studying about Buddha's teachings. So here comes the problem - so i try to delay her activities (which are not important for our survival - like taking her to a beauty parlour) , which annoys her. Moreover, since i get angry too soon, so if she says something to me, i reply back to her in anger and the argument continues.
Now the point is - you all are asking me to slow down and enjoy the life as it goes - but the problem is if i will die tomorrow or say after 1 hour or say 5 min, then are these activities of shopping, taking my wife to beauty parlour etc going to be of any value to me - i know i am getting selfish here thinking about what i want.
So the problem comes down to - my wife wants to spend most of the time enjoying the sense pleasures of the world and is not the least interested in spirituality, but i want to move in spiritual direction. But since i have the responsibilities of my family, so i will have to live in this sensual world to take care of my wife and my daughter.
Seems like i will have to live my life by getting screwed every moment
in order to apply buddhism effectively, one must remember to always consider 3 things. their existing conditions, the action they are currently performing, and the desired outcome of those actions. you need to apply the basic teachings to your everyday life. As a buddhist, I dont think your goal should be to study to this extent that you have, instead - use your existing knowledge to make your loved ones happy. I think that is your path my friend. Good luck
Big.
HUGE!
Never, ever EVER try to interfere with a lady when she wants to go shopping!
All joking aside, and i'm serious now - this is wrong view, wrong intention, Wrong speech and Wrong action.
why?
In brief - you cannot, and have no right to - impose the Dhamma upon someone else.
you should demonstrate the Dhamma through your actions, you should explain gently why you believe such pastimes are frivolous - but you cannot compel, or force someone to think from your point of view, if this is not the way they wish to think.
the Path is one you have CHOSEN for yourself.
But to make someone else walk it against their will - is simply, frankly, unacceptable.
If she wishes to go shopping, let her.
If she wishes to go to a beauty parlour - let her.
These things are important for a woman, because they make her feel good, look good, and give her confidence and a happy time.
Now, I know al this is fleeting pleasure, it's a desire to simply perpetuate beauty and everything is temporary.
I get where you are coming from.
I see your point.
We all see your point.
the problem is - your wife doesn't.
and the Dhamma is about recognising the origin of stress, and the cessation of stress.
You permitted what someone else does, to cause you stress, but you then retaliated and caused her stress.
It's not your business to forcefully persuade her to not do what she would like to do.
Delaying tactics are unkind, and manipulative. Well that didn't go too well, did it? Yes - you are.
Not everything you think say and do is about you.
And it's not about you, first.
the Dhamma is not about what you can get out of it, it's about living life mindfully and wisely.
Which is why making others happy, now, and being happy, serene, contented, now - is so important. Well guess what?
Many of us are in the same boat.
the secret is for you to let go of the desire to change someone else to your way of thinking - forcefully.
the secret is to Live and let live.
not every single person in our lives will follow the Dhamma. and that's just tough.
but you cannot force, compel, impose, oblige or make anyone do something, simply because you believe it's a better thing to do than they're doing.
That is manipulative, aggressive and decidedly unskillful.
this is not living the buddha, dhamma, sangha.
not the way it was intended, at all.
No.
Relax the desire to want to be right.
Rejoice in your wife's existence, and strive to see her smile and be happy.
Let her be.
Just follow the path, and lead by example.
If you are meditating, and your wife says "I want to go shopping" say - ok dear, i will be right there."
Take a moment to breathe, relax, and understand that your wife may well be attached to frivolous things - but that's how you married her, and you want her to be happy.
Release the aversion, the reluctance and the resistance to what she is doing.
Empty mind of conflicts, and smile.
Make your wife content to be your wife.
Force never gained a friend.
Why do you think you're screwed every moment? We all live and as long as you're alive there will be obligations. As lay people, we have to work, but it is even true for monks. Some monks have to walk for hours until they reach the nearest village to collect their food. They don't complain, they simply make this their practice. Other monks have to lead many retreats and also travel everywhere. This also brings responsibilities, but again, it becomes their practice.
The point is not to remove our obligations but to work with them. Where there is dislike, there is often ill-will; it's a good opportunity to practice kindness.
Also, for your wife it will otherwise feel like she is not important to you, which from your first post she obviously isn't.
Of course you both have to find a healty balance, but maybe don't run away.
Metta,
Reflection
What this means is that despite your desire to follow the Dharma, you are doing it in a way which actually harms others/yourself and may actually not be in line with the Dharma.
Another example of "unskillfulness" would be trying to explain Buddhism to someone by telling them how other religions are stupid compared to Buddhism.
If you find some aspects of the Dharma hard to follow/understand right now, at the very least try to keep in mind that Buddhism is "The Middle Way." Do you think refusing to partake in ANY of your family's "sense pleasure" activities is the Middle Way? Probably not.
You some of the most romantic things are very simply and, such as a picnic in a park, watching a sunset, fun afternoon at the beach, casual bike rides on scenic trails. Enjoying more time in nature period is both good for the family, love life, kids, and yourself. Who knows maybe your wife will come to love those things more than buying things.
IMO, people that need lots of stuff are trying to fill some void (typical without realizing it) and getting more things is a distraction from that missing part of them feeling. In my experience, to flat out telling someone an opinion such as this, is often flat out disastrous (very few people can handle the truth), so it best not to do that, but if they start to experience what they are needing to fill that void then they will want to feel that satisfaction more.
Hope this can be helpful.
The advice so far does not resolve that problem.
So, I would encourage you, @misecmisc1 , to discuss this with your wife and arrange for certain times off during which you can dedicate yourself to your spiritual practice like meditating or reading up on the dharma - while you also agree to be more forthcoming to taking her on shopping and other trips. Since your little girl will be coming along as well, make it special daddy-daughter time, or use it to practice mindfulness as suggested earlier.
Limiting your understanding of Buddhist PRACTICE has led you and your family to unnecessary conflicts. I hope you will be able to understand and use the ideas mentioned in the other posts - and make practice more fun for the whole family :-)
Best to all.
(1) a wife's ideal is domination
(2) a husband is to serve his wife and, upon being served, a wife returns her love
(3) a husband is to give his wife authority in the home
(4) a husband is to regularly buy his wife gifts & adornments
thus, if you do not wish to take your women folk shopping, you are not practising Buddhism. in Hinduism, the submission of man to woman is called 'tantra'. many Buddhist schools adopted this 'tantra' from Hinduism absolutely, as Buddha taught. this is your karmic duty. what are you going to do? leave your daughter fatherless, attentionless & affectionless? definitely not. Buddha taught Dhamma is duty & duty is Dhamma. your family responsibilites are your Dhamma practise
with metta
regardless, buddha taught right view & morality are the foundations of the path. right view is the "forerunner" (MN 117) or "dawn of all understanding" (SN 46.11). the first results of right view are right speech, right action & right livelihood. this morality is the foundation for concentration. how can a husband concentrate in meditation if he does not do his moral duties towards his women folk? if a husband does not do his moral duties towards his women folk, his mind will be full of worries & anguish
thus, right view comes1st, morality comes 2nd & concentration meditation comes 3rd
Buddha taught like this
This path is a practice that is taken one step at a time. It's okay to take a miss step, just keep walking and learning.
Never give up and never give in...
The Buddha always adjusted his words to who was listening. To some he may not have taught meditation, but that doesn't mean it is a general and universal rule lay people shouldn't cultivate it. It's all dependent on what we want to gain from the practice. In this particular case, it is clear that there is a lack of peace in the mind of the questioner. Meditation can achieve this, from this right view can develop further.
It's a one sided view to think right view starts everything. Right view also develops. This is why the Buddha said there were multiple kinds of right view; mundane right view and noble right view. The first one sets one on the path, the second one is a result of the path, a factor of the path. It needs to be developed with support of meditation (mindfulness, effort and samadhi).
@misecmisc1 clearly wants to develop this right view, he wants to remove his attachments and understand non-self. So that's another reason why I said meditation is important, the theoretical ideas he's having are not right view and can even be counterproductive. Also, I agree it's hard to be calm (meditative) when you are not moral, but the other way around is just as true. All factors of the path support eachother.
With metta,
Sabre
the 1st & 2nd kind of right view do have a small but important relationship Possibly. But the calm will always be broken when the morals (social responsibilities) are broken. The morals are broken due to a lack of right view. Right view comes first, as Buddha taught. As was said: "my whole world will fell apart and i felt as if my life from within me is leaving me." Thus, the results of bad karma & wrong view have been reaped here.
Moral/karmic matters are generally fixed on the moral/karmic level
i read your theory of the five aggregates on another thread, which was similar to the sound theory explained above. but theory can never be a substitute for realisation
i can live without attachment. still, where i live, there are many single mothers, such as a new resident with three children. i talked to her last weekend, when i walked meditatively passed her house and she said "hello", and she asked me: "what did you do today?" and i replied: "I made a curry, would you like some?" so i brought her some of my curry and, because it was delicious, she was very happy. women like receiving gifts & kindnesses
Buddha taught a gradual path as explained in Mahayana Buddhism, which starts with giving, generosity & sacrifice. this is called "parami". it is difficult for the mind underdeveloped in generosity & sacrifice to develop non-attachment. in Mahayana Buddhism, the path is developed for the sake of all sentient beings
metta
I just think you are approaching his question more related to his issues with his family and I'm referring more to his wish to cultivate insight into non-self and detachment.
I hope misecmisc1 can get the thoughts he wants out of both our approaches.
With metta,
Sabre
how do you think this has affected your point of view and appreciation of 'Practice'?
can you understand our views with regard to your attitude towards your wife and child?
how do you think this is now reflected in your practice?
Have you implemented any of the points we have suggested to you?