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yes, my mother has seen and heard her in action in the past and has said something to that effect. Mostly it has to do with my granddaughter but this weekend she started in making fun of me personally. Up till now I have ignore it.
Ah, I'm glad you cleared that up because I think it's significant.
This is passive aggression and it's difficult to deal with because it doesn't come at you head on. It's insidious aggression, sneaky, cunning and deceitful. It's underhanded and back-stabbing behavior. It's also behavior that encourages the ganging up on a victim. In short, it's the behavior of someone who has never learned how to cope beyond a high school level.
If I were in your place the first thing I would do is type "how to deal with passive aggressive behavior" into Google (without the quotation marks). Learning how to deal with the behavior is key to having a bearable relationship with her because you're right, she's the mother of two of your grandchildren so you have to find a way to get along. I'd also do it as soon as possible because this problem needs to be corrected immediately. There are children watching their grandmother being demeaned and disrespected and this is definitely not what you want them to be learning and modeling their own behavior by.
If you don't have time to research this before you see her again, then my personal advice would be to insist that she sit down with you and your husband where there are no distractions and inform her strongly of your boundaries, of what you will and will NOT tolerate from her. (It doesn't matter why she behaves this way with you. If she has a problem with you and she's too emotionally immature to address it appropriately then that's her problem.) Give her specific examples of things she's said "jokingly" and tell her that they will NOT be tolerated any longer. As the matriarch of the family you will be treated with respect and dignity. Period.
Then she may bring up what's bothering her about you or you can ask her what it is that's caused her to take out her passive aggression on you and then you can deal with it openly and honestly. But, imo, you must stand up for yourself in no uncertain terms and teach her how to treat you. Your silence is being taken as acquiescence and since it's easier to change your behavior than hers you really have to speak up and demand the respect that is your due.
That's my take on the situation. And if all else fails, call me and I'll come up there and beat her with my cane.
Well, I've done some research on passive aggression. She does fit it to a tee.
I'm to stay calm always.....Not let her get me upset where I will react mad or yell etc...
That is what she wants me to do. Which I have not done and which may be making her more aggressive because she can't push my buttons........Well she is, but she does not know that........
She is mad at me about something which is what I thought and I'm pretty sure I know what it is.....But there is nothing I can do about it. Boo and Colleen know the story but to just give you a brief idea........
My son has a daughter with his girlfriend. They started living together as a family along with her 8 year old son. My son started having problems and left her. The night he left she called me. This happened the 1st of May. I asked her about a month or so later why of all ppl did she call me and not her mom or a girlfriend. She said, because I thought you could fix it. I thought you could talk to him and make him come back. I said, He is 27 years old. Not only could I not tell him what to do or try to force him at his age but it was not my place to do so. This seemed to upset her. Looking back..........She has been passive aggressive ever since then.
Ahhh! That makes perfect sense. She's blaming you. She must feel very sad and desperate. But you were soooo right not to interfere in their relationship. It's a pity she can't see that.
Staying balanced and calm in such situations can be quite difficult and some preparation can help. One useful tool, I have found, is to spend some time in visualising your boundaries and the defences you can have there. This is often imagined in terms of a golden shell that we weave around ourselves (some use silver, the Moon colour, others use blue). Evoking the image regularly and attending to the protective weaving strengthens both the imagination and the ability to stay cool inside our borders.
Simon! Wow!! That's really, really good advice and I'm going to start practicing it right away. I wonder why I've never heard anything like it before. It's such a simple thing yet I can already imagine how well it will work. Thank you so much! We're very lucky to have you and your wisdom here. I wish we could sit down for a pot of tea one day and have a long chat because I have so many things I'd like to ask you. I seem to be doing a lot of wishing today. lol! Sorry for the gushing. It's just that I really like this idea.
Wonderful idea Simon, Thank you so much....I will start on this right away.
I have heard of this before. I have a friend who told me about it along time ago. She read about it in the teachings that she follows altho I don't think she practices it and I haven't thought about it in a very long time nor did she explain it as well as you have.
Yes, you're right Boo, how cool would it be to sit down with a good pot of tea and visit, ask questions and learn........Ok, maybe several pots of tea it would take...
Just a short up date on my sons x girlfriend. Now she is angry with me and not speaking to me at all. Not sure what I've done but that's where it stands.
I have recently had some health issues and will be going for a biopsy on Tuesday. I have felt like my practice in the past has been strong. But I have had a terrible time trying to meditate, do any reading on Buddhism etc... I feel I should be meditating on healing light etc... I'm finding it all very hard. Even hard for me to explain I see as I'm typing and at a lose for words. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and I'm doing better with that but I still cannot relax enough to meditate or stay focused while reading.
Any advice or thoughts on this would be helpful because I feel like sitting in meditation etc... is what I should be doing but I can't even find it in me at this point to want to sit. Don't like what is going thro my head if I'm quiet. I keep bring my thoughts back to the present when i sit but I can not keep them from going wild. I'm at the point I would rather sit and play games on the pc to keep my mind busy doing something else than to sit and try and meditate. Because there seems to be no quiet.
Just a short up date on my sons x girlfriend. Now she is angry with me and not speaking to me at all. Not sure what I've done but that's where it stands.
I have recently had some health issues and will be going for a biopsy on Tuesday. I have felt like my practice in the past has been strong. But I have had a terrible time trying to meditate, do any reading on Buddhism etc... I feel I should be meditating on healing light etc... I'm finding it all very hard. Even hard for me to explain I see as I'm typing and at a lose for words. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and I'm doing better with that but I still cannot relax enough to meditate or stay focused while reading.
Any advice or thoughts on this would be helpful because I feel like sitting in meditation etc... is what I should be doing but I can't even find it in me at this point to want to sit. Don't like what is going thro my head if I'm quiet. I keep bring my thoughts back to the present when i sit but I can not keep them from going wild. I'm at the point I would rather sit and play games on the pc to keep my mind busy doing something else than to sit and try and meditate. Because there seems to be no quiet.
Dearest Deb,
Knowing the place you describe, living in it so much of the time, any advice from me would probably be of little use. In my 'spiritual director' role, I have come across it time and again, too. It is particularly hard on those who have found real 'fruit' and calm inspiration from their practice. My experience suggests that this is one of the times where each of us addresses the desert in our own, particular way. The way through it will depend on the resources we have accumulated up to now.
For some people, like monastics or clergy, who have had a very structured practice and a regular timetable, it has often been useful to reduce the time spent in meditation and reading, replacing it with manual work or creative stuff.
Other people, who have a less regular practice, may be helped by adding a few minutes or regularising time and place.
Very often, this period of dryness can be a spur to greater efforts as the drought breaks. Where this is the case, the dry time can be considered to be what Saint Ignatius called a "consolation" in that it moves us towards the goal of greater realisation.
My own remedy is in the garden. Even as the weather worsens and I experience the first symptoms of melancholy, I can still find plenty to do out there. I find nothing better than a spot of rough digging or vigourous pruning to improve to the point where I can sit again for a while.
Have you got a name for this dark place? Have you sat and looked at it, to learn all its nooks and crannies? Like Pandora's box, it may contain hope and, again like the box, hope may need a hand to get out!
My thoughts are with you. This is a hard time and unexplored territory. Go forward knowing that the sky is always blue, above the clouds. [If, that is, you find affirmations useful]
Simon,
Thank you so much!
I guess I have felt like I was letting myself down by not being able to meditate. Maybe feeling guilty for not meditating even tho I know I should not feel this way....I also have the feeling of wasting time......... also.........I have not sat and looked at this dark place...I can not seem to make myself go there.....I think maybe I am scared to see what I might find there. That was my thought as I read your comments on it. Since it was my 1st thought as I read, I'm guessing it is an honest one.
My reactions to everything that is going on now and my problems I have had with meditating also seem to surprise me. These are not the reactions that I thought I would have. I thought I would be more of the type to dive in deeper in my meditation not walk away from it....... I don't know, maybe I did not think about it.....
I will say.....I worked in the yard and garden yesterday and no thoughts crossed my mind at all except the feeling of peaceful altho I didn't put into words at the time. It was hard work and I was tired when I was done but I felt better. Maybe that is where I need to be. In the garden and out in nature.....I always find those places soothing.
Again, thank you Simon.......Your words have helped.
i agree with simon.. i was thinkin along the same lines in reference to pema chodron and sittin in the fire.that honestly helped me girl when i was crazy all summer.. i stopped lookin for answers and stopped tryin to fix it..
however if you are not in the mood/frame of mind/not in the want to do such.. so be it.
for now.............. but when you return from the garden/ or the dishes.. or where ever.. try it on.. ever so slightly..
i doesnt hurt.. honestly.. lol
and just maybe.......... balance is always good.. throw some "fun" inthere somewhere to.
By the time of my posting you will have gone through the biopsy and I'm hoping everything is okay. I've been thinking of you constantly and I want you to know that I'm here as always whenever you need me. I'm sending all my love and all my wishes for peace and joy to you and your whole family. Let us know how you're doing whenever you get the chance.
Deb, I am sorry I missed this post until now. I sure hope your biopsy goes well and that everything turns out ok. Please keep us posted, and know that you are in my thoughts!
My biopsy was yesterday. They were not able to get it so I'm having out patient surgery tomorrow at 12:30 pm central standard time (that's 1:30 pm your time Boo. lol ) so they can get the biopsy that way. Not looking forward to the general anesthesia. I'll just be glad when this is all over.
I would welcome any positive thoughts,prayers and energy sent my way at that time.
I'll be with you through it all in my heart and in my thoughts. Don't start worrying yet. You'll cross that bridge if you come to it. Remember to breathe and drag your mind right back to the present moment, no matter what you're doing or where you are. Deal with the present moment, not the future, because you aren't there yet. And if you worry now and find out later that you actually do have something to worry about, you'll have worried twice! So keep those positive thoughts flowing through your mind. Any relaxing thoughts you can come up with will be fine. Force yourself to pull your mind back to the present and to calm, positive thoughts. It will help you heal more quickly after the surgery and it will help you deal with everything in general. Remember you can deal with things much better with a calm, cool head so practice, practice, practice!!!
You know I'm always with you, Deb. And I'll be doubly so from now until this whole thing is resolved. You can reach me all day and night by email if you need to vent any emotions or thoughts or anything else. I'll stay online as much as possible for the next few days so I can catch any messages from you, K?
Oh, bless your heart, Deb! I hope you're not in too much pain. Please take it really easy and don't be afraid to ask for help. Treat yourself with all the loving kindness you can generate. I would take all your pain away if I could. I'm sending you all my love, darling Deb.
Sorry to hear it's been a little rough for you! Did the anesthesia make you sick? It always make me so sick. Well, I say "always" but I really have only had two surgeries.
I hope you are feeling better soon. I feel your pain, though. My surgery was two months ago, and I am still recovering. Hang in there! I am definitely thinking of you!
The day after my surgery I had a BAD reaction to the antibiotic. Not a good time. Then had several days of pain. But today I'm feeling better and my biopsy results were normal.
A great relief.
YM, what is the deal with my skin? I'm thinking it will never be normal again. It's been a week and it's still not even starting to get back to normal.
I'd like to Thank you, Boo and Colleen again for all your support and kindness.
It really is greatly appreciated!
And Thank you Simon for your great advice. It really did help.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the bad reaction to the antibiotic! But I'm very happy to hear that the biopsy was normal and that you're getting better. What a relief! I hope you're feeling 100% very, very soon and that things will continue to get better and better.
My youngest son moved to a major city 2 hours away last Thursday. He is 21 and was given a great opportunity with the company that he works for with a job transfer to one of the largest stores in the city as a co-manager.
I'm very happy for him and things have been going very well for him. Haven't talked to him much because he is so busy but he seems happy and likes his new job. We are very pround of him.
Ok, doesn't this all sound wonderful? Then why am I so sad.............I have spoken to a few of you about this but thought maybe others have gone thro the empty nest syndrome too. If you have when does this sadness go away? I cry at the drop of a hat....
My head says this is sooooo great but my heart says differently.........:sadc:
My youngest son moved to a major city 2 hours away last Thursday. He is 21 and was given a great opportunity with the company that he works for with a job transfer to one of the largest stores in the city as a co-manager.
I'm very happy for him and things have been going very well for him. Haven't talked to him much because he is so busy but he seems happy and likes his new job. We are very pround of him.
Ok, doesn't this all sound wonderful? Then why am I so sad.............I have spoken to a few of you about this but thought maybe others have gone thro the empty nest syndrome too. If you have when does this sadness go away? I cry at the drop of a hat....
My head says this is sooooo great but my heart says differently.........:sadc:
I haven't had the empty nest syndrome - but I have had a young child hidden from me on numerous occasions during a very ugly divorce.
I had a very difficult time coming to grips with missing my son. But, after a number of years - I can finally handle not seeing him for the majority of his life much better than I used to.
Unfortunately, I think the only thing that is going to cure this ill is... time.
-bf
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited January 2007
My partner and I spent part of Christmas with his 11-year-old son, whom he hasn't seen for nearly two years (bar a brief snatched meal together in 2005) and parting was very difficult for both of them.... but they are in constant touch by 'phone, even though it doesn't make up for being separated. BF is right in a way....'Time' passing helps, but it's actually our own acceptance and adapting that rescues us..... time in itself does nothing but pass.....
Focus on filling the void in your life by trying to find something to do, that your son would find worthwhile.... go swimming and look after yourself. You have that, and perhaps, after years of 'caring and sharing', you owe it to yourself, too.....
At first I would have had to agree with you Fede - but when the pain is so sharp and intense, regarding any kind of loss, it sure is difficult to deal with.
However it works - whether it's slow acceptance - becoming used to change - accepting change - time - it sure does suck.
Deb - remember when you told me that you thought you might take up a new hobby like stripping or pole dancing? I think this is the perfect time to do that. Maybe invite your son and his buddies to come watch some night. Have a nice bonding experience.
Seriously though.. I understand your pain. But, you do have a lot of wonderful memories with your boy...
as you know my two are still at home..yet in a heartbeat they could leave. they are at the age where it will happen soon. i will learn from you then on how to handle the situation.
until that time comes i have almost night mares of that happening.
my son i feel quite strongly will be traveling worldly with the industry he has chosen. and guess who directed him this way..lol
my thoughts are with you... im sure its a constant reminder to.. not buying the groceries he likes, not picking up his stuff..and the noise is less to.
yet im guessing like passing through any stage / or change.. we have no idea how we will feel in the near future. we always seem to surprise ourselves.
im glad you are living in the moment and giving time for tears of sadness.
only you will no when you need to put down the kleenex and pick up the pieces.
perhaps bf and fed are right.. time and your awareness will bring about more smiles.
Even though I was mentally prepared for the idea of my son moving out...when it happened I realized how attached I was to him. My mother told me years ago, that after I moved out (I'm the first born)...she went to bed for three days. It was very much the same for me...I was physically sick from grief and seperation when my oldest moved out and went into the military.
Over time, it lessened...but only in bits and I was mindful of the moments. For example, whenever we order food/takeout...for some reason the specialness of the occasion really highlights 'the empty chair'. I feel 'guilt'...and lose all interest in the food.
Harlan,
you explained it very well........the empty chair is just tooooo sad. I know I'm way to attached to him.....but how can you not be........I'm not that far in my practice yet.
I do know how you and your mom felt. I really just want to stay in bed and cry all day.....Yesterday was really bad....... When we have company like yesterday, I just want ppl to go away so I can wallow in my self pity..... And I know they mean well by coming by and asking about him...........but it just rips my heart out.
Fede & BF,
I think you're right about time. Maybe I've just not given it enough time......
I'm trying to stay busy but BF it is really hard to blow my nose while taking off my clothes and swinging from my new pole. But with time and practice I'm sure to get it down soon.
And I think you are right......I should call my son and his buddies to come watch some night. I'm sure it will be an experience to remember for all.....They can remember it while they are talking to the new therapist that they are all going to need.
This is a normal part of life. This isn't even a bad thing! Your son is out, doing, experiencing, growing - it's just a part of life that has many, many good things.
Yet, even in the midst of all of this - we experience suffering.
I believe it was this statement of suffering that brought us all together, in part, under this "roof" we share.
Your son hasn't changed. He's probably enjoying himself very much. You need to focus on that.
Maybe you two can plan a "date night". Go someplace good to eat - have a great meal - make every minute count - listen to what is going on with him - and let him know exactly how you feel.
My head is sooooo happy for him. He is only 2 hours away, he's making great money, he seems to like his job a lot. By March he will probably be moving some where into his own store as a manager. What's not to think this is great. My head says it is. My mom reminded me .......Deb, this is what you raised him to do. Go out and be his own person and succeed. And he is doing just that. My head is thrilled for him.
My head also tells me that, he is ONLY 2 hours away. He isn't in the military in Iraq like so many sons. I really am just wallowing in self pity. I'm so blessed.....
It's just that my heart takes over and misses him terribly........I am causing myself to suffer more by being so attached. There really is something to attachment causes suffering.........lol
Funny when your kids are here and the music is loud and you think.......if I could just have a few minutes of quiet. And now it is tooooooo quiet......never happy. lol Turn up the music........
When I was going through my divorce - I honestly never knew when I was going to see my son again. I never knew when the stunts were going to start again.
I used to carry a tape recorder with me that we would talk into and tell stories and just ramble on.
I don't know how many times I listened to those tapes all alone or bawled my eyes out.
Attachment is a bitch, isn't it?
I just hope my ex doesn't read these boards. I'm sure she would get some satisfaction out of that confession
It is our task and the price that is asked of us as parents, in exchange for all the joy. It was one of the nicest experiences when I was able to meet my first "nest leaver" as a friend for coffee at a local cafe!
Also, this beautiful piece always comforts me:
On Children Kahlil Gibran Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I am not looking forward to the day that my daughter grows up and leaves the house! I can feel your pain even though I haven't been through this yet. Hang in there!
BF - I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your son. That is truly heartbreaking! I bet you were so happy when that all ended!
Harlan,
you explained it very well........the empty chair is just tooooo sad. I know I'm way to attached to him.....but how can you not be........I'm not that far in my practice yet.
I do know how you and your mom felt. I really just want to stay in bed and cry all day.....Yesterday was really bad....... When we have company like yesterday, I just want ppl to go away so I can wallow in my self pity..... And I know they mean well by coming by and asking about him...........but it just rips my heart out.
Fede & BF,
I think you're right about time. Maybe I've just not given it enough time......
I'm trying to stay busy but BF it is really hard to blow my nose while taking off my clothes and swinging from my new pole. But with time and practice I'm sure to get it down soon.
And I think you are right......I should call my son and his buddies to come watch some night. I'm sure it will be an experience to remember for all.....They can remember it while they are talking to the new therapist that they are all going to need.
Thanks BF, LOL I needed a good laugh........
Thanks Colleen....
Namaste'
Deb
Dear Deb,
Comiserations on your loss-at least he will visit?
hey if it will make you feel better _I can come around with a few guys and watch that pole dancing ......:wow:
Comments
This is passive aggression and it's difficult to deal with because it doesn't come at you head on. It's insidious aggression, sneaky, cunning and deceitful. It's underhanded and back-stabbing behavior. It's also behavior that encourages the ganging up on a victim. In short, it's the behavior of someone who has never learned how to cope beyond a high school level.
If I were in your place the first thing I would do is type "how to deal with passive aggressive behavior" into Google (without the quotation marks). Learning how to deal with the behavior is key to having a bearable relationship with her because you're right, she's the mother of two of your grandchildren so you have to find a way to get along. I'd also do it as soon as possible because this problem needs to be corrected immediately. There are children watching their grandmother being demeaned and disrespected and this is definitely not what you want them to be learning and modeling their own behavior by.
If you don't have time to research this before you see her again, then my personal advice would be to insist that she sit down with you and your husband where there are no distractions and inform her strongly of your boundaries, of what you will and will NOT tolerate from her. (It doesn't matter why she behaves this way with you. If she has a problem with you and she's too emotionally immature to address it appropriately then that's her problem.) Give her specific examples of things she's said "jokingly" and tell her that they will NOT be tolerated any longer. As the matriarch of the family you will be treated with respect and dignity. Period.
Then she may bring up what's bothering her about you or you can ask her what it is that's caused her to take out her passive aggression on you and then you can deal with it openly and honestly. But, imo, you must stand up for yourself in no uncertain terms and teach her how to treat you. Your silence is being taken as acquiescence and since it's easier to change your behavior than hers you really have to speak up and demand the respect that is your due.
That's my take on the situation. And if all else fails, call me and I'll come up there and beat her with my cane.
And like you said, if it doesn't work, Colleen can kick her while you beat her with your cane............heehee
Thanks girls...........
LOL!
I like Brigid's advice as well. Best of luck with this situation and let us know how it all turns out.
I'm to stay calm always.....Not let her get me upset where I will react mad or yell etc...
That is what she wants me to do. Which I have not done and which may be making her more aggressive because she can't push my buttons........Well she is, but she does not know that........
She is mad at me about something which is what I thought and I'm pretty sure I know what it is.....But there is nothing I can do about it. Boo and Colleen know the story but to just give you a brief idea........
My son has a daughter with his girlfriend. They started living together as a family along with her 8 year old son. My son started having problems and left her. The night he left she called me. This happened the 1st of May. I asked her about a month or so later why of all ppl did she call me and not her mom or a girlfriend. She said, because I thought you could fix it. I thought you could talk to him and make him come back. I said, He is 27 years old. Not only could I not tell him what to do or try to force him at his age but it was not my place to do so. This seemed to upset her. Looking back..........She has been passive aggressive ever since then.
Staying balanced and calm in such situations can be quite difficult and some preparation can help. One useful tool, I have found, is to spend some time in visualising your boundaries and the defences you can have there. This is often imagined in terms of a golden shell that we weave around ourselves (some use silver, the Moon colour, others use blue). Evoking the image regularly and attending to the protective weaving strengthens both the imagination and the ability to stay cool inside our borders.
I have heard of this before. I have a friend who told me about it along time ago. She read about it in the teachings that she follows altho I don't think she practices it and I haven't thought about it in a very long time nor did she explain it as well as you have.
Yes, you're right Boo, how cool would it be to sit down with a good pot of tea and visit, ask questions and learn........Ok, maybe several pots of tea it would take...
I have recently had some health issues and will be going for a biopsy on Tuesday. I have felt like my practice in the past has been strong. But I have had a terrible time trying to meditate, do any reading on Buddhism etc... I feel I should be meditating on healing light etc... I'm finding it all very hard. Even hard for me to explain I see as I'm typing and at a lose for words. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive and I'm doing better with that but I still cannot relax enough to meditate or stay focused while reading.
Any advice or thoughts on this would be helpful because I feel like sitting in meditation etc... is what I should be doing but I can't even find it in me at this point to want to sit. Don't like what is going thro my head if I'm quiet. I keep bring my thoughts back to the present when i sit but I can not keep them from going wild. I'm at the point I would rather sit and play games on the pc to keep my mind busy doing something else than to sit and try and meditate. Because there seems to be no quiet.
Dearest Deb,
Knowing the place you describe, living in it so much of the time, any advice from me would probably be of little use. In my 'spiritual director' role, I have come across it time and again, too. It is particularly hard on those who have found real 'fruit' and calm inspiration from their practice. My experience suggests that this is one of the times where each of us addresses the desert in our own, particular way. The way through it will depend on the resources we have accumulated up to now.
For some people, like monastics or clergy, who have had a very structured practice and a regular timetable, it has often been useful to reduce the time spent in meditation and reading, replacing it with manual work or creative stuff.
Other people, who have a less regular practice, may be helped by adding a few minutes or regularising time and place.
Very often, this period of dryness can be a spur to greater efforts as the drought breaks. Where this is the case, the dry time can be considered to be what Saint Ignatius called a "consolation" in that it moves us towards the goal of greater realisation.
My own remedy is in the garden. Even as the weather worsens and I experience the first symptoms of melancholy, I can still find plenty to do out there. I find nothing better than a spot of rough digging or vigourous pruning to improve to the point where I can sit again for a while.
Have you got a name for this dark place? Have you sat and looked at it, to learn all its nooks and crannies? Like Pandora's box, it may contain hope and, again like the box, hope may need a hand to get out!
My thoughts are with you. This is a hard time and unexplored territory. Go forward knowing that the sky is always blue, above the clouds. [If, that is, you find affirmations useful]
Thank you so much!
I guess I have felt like I was letting myself down by not being able to meditate. Maybe feeling guilty for not meditating even tho I know I should not feel this way....I also have the feeling of wasting time......... also.........I have not sat and looked at this dark place...I can not seem to make myself go there.....I think maybe I am scared to see what I might find there. That was my thought as I read your comments on it. Since it was my 1st thought as I read, I'm guessing it is an honest one.
My reactions to everything that is going on now and my problems I have had with meditating also seem to surprise me. These are not the reactions that I thought I would have. I thought I would be more of the type to dive in deeper in my meditation not walk away from it....... I don't know, maybe I did not think about it.....
I will say.....I worked in the yard and garden yesterday and no thoughts crossed my mind at all except the feeling of peaceful altho I didn't put into words at the time. It was hard work and I was tired when I was done but I felt better. Maybe that is where I need to be.
Again, thank you Simon.......Your words have helped.
Namaste'
i agree with simon.. i was thinkin along the same lines in reference to pema chodron and sittin in the fire.that honestly helped me girl when i was crazy all summer.. i stopped lookin for answers and stopped tryin to fix it..
however if you are not in the mood/frame of mind/not in the want to do such.. so be it.
for now.............. but when you return from the garden/ or the dishes.. or where ever.. try it on.. ever so slightly..
i doesnt hurt.. honestly.. lol
and just maybe.......... balance is always good.. throw some "fun" inthere somewhere to.
By the time of my posting you will have gone through the biopsy and I'm hoping everything is okay. I've been thinking of you constantly and I want you to know that I'm here as always whenever you need me. I'm sending all my love and all my wishes for peace and joy to you and your whole family. Let us know how you're doing whenever you get the chance.
Love,
Boo
Hugs - Kim
I would welcome any positive thoughts,prayers and energy sent my way at that time.
Thanks everyone.
Lots of Love,
Kim
It is greatly appreciated!!
Again, Thank you!
Namaste'
I'll be with you through it all in my heart and in my thoughts. Don't start worrying yet. You'll cross that bridge if you come to it. Remember to breathe and drag your mind right back to the present moment, no matter what you're doing or where you are. Deal with the present moment, not the future, because you aren't there yet. And if you worry now and find out later that you actually do have something to worry about, you'll have worried twice! So keep those positive thoughts flowing through your mind. Any relaxing thoughts you can come up with will be fine. Force yourself to pull your mind back to the present and to calm, positive thoughts. It will help you heal more quickly after the surgery and it will help you deal with everything in general. Remember you can deal with things much better with a calm, cool head so practice, practice, practice!!!
You know I'm always with you, Deb. And I'll be doubly so from now until this whole thing is resolved. You can reach me all day and night by email if you need to vent any emotions or thoughts or anything else. I'll stay online as much as possible for the next few days so I can catch any messages from you, K?
All my love,
Boo
Namaste'
All my love,
Boo
Kim
Surgery went fine but the rest of recovery not so great. I'll get my biopsy results on Friday. I'll write more then.........
I hope you are feeling better soon. I feel your pain, though. My surgery was two months ago, and I am still recovering. Hang in there! I am definitely thinking of you!
The day after my surgery I had a BAD reaction to the antibiotic. Not a good time. Then had several days of pain. But today I'm feeling better and my biopsy results were normal.
A great relief.
YM, what is the deal with my skin? I'm thinking it will never be normal again. It's been a week and it's still not even starting to get back to normal.
I'd like to Thank you, Boo and Colleen again for all your support and kindness.
It really is greatly appreciated!
And Thank you Simon for your great advice. It really did help.
Namaste'
All my love,
Boo
I'm very happy for him and things have been going very well for him. Haven't talked to him much because he is so busy but he seems happy and likes his new job. We are very pround of him.
Ok, doesn't this all sound wonderful? Then why am I so sad.............I have spoken to a few of you about this but thought maybe others have gone thro the empty nest syndrome too. If you have when does this sadness go away? I cry at the drop of a hat....
My head says this is sooooo great but my heart says differently.........:sadc:
I haven't had the empty nest syndrome - but I have had a young child hidden from me on numerous occasions during a very ugly divorce.
I had a very difficult time coming to grips with missing my son. But, after a number of years - I can finally handle not seeing him for the majority of his life much better than I used to.
Unfortunately, I think the only thing that is going to cure this ill is... time.
-bf
Focus on filling the void in your life by trying to find something to do, that your son would find worthwhile.... go swimming and look after yourself. You have that, and perhaps, after years of 'caring and sharing', you owe it to yourself, too.....
However it works - whether it's slow acceptance - becoming used to change - accepting change - time - it sure does suck.
Deb - remember when you told me that you thought you might take up a new hobby like stripping or pole dancing? I think this is the perfect time to do that. Maybe invite your son and his buddies to come watch some night. Have a nice bonding experience.
Seriously though.. I understand your pain. But, you do have a lot of wonderful memories with your boy...
-bf
as you know my two are still at home..yet in a heartbeat they could leave. they are at the age where it will happen soon. i will learn from you then on how to handle the situation.
until that time comes i have almost night mares of that happening.
my son i feel quite strongly will be traveling worldly with the industry he has chosen. and guess who directed him this way..lol
my thoughts are with you... im sure its a constant reminder to.. not buying the groceries he likes, not picking up his stuff..and the noise is less to.
yet im guessing like passing through any stage / or change.. we have no idea how we will feel in the near future. we always seem to surprise ourselves.
im glad you are living in the moment and giving time for tears of sadness.
only you will no when you need to put down the kleenex and pick up the pieces.
perhaps bf and fed are right.. time and your awareness will bring about more smiles.
Over time, it lessened...but only in bits and I was mindful of the moments. For example, whenever we order food/takeout...for some reason the specialness of the occasion really highlights 'the empty chair'. I feel 'guilt'...and lose all interest in the food.
Harlan,
you explained it very well........the empty chair is just tooooo sad. I know I'm way to attached to him.....but how can you not be........I'm not that far in my practice yet.
I do know how you and your mom felt. I really just want to stay in bed and cry all day.....Yesterday was really bad.......
Fede & BF,
I think you're right about time. Maybe I've just not given it enough time......
I'm trying to stay busy but BF it is really hard to blow my nose while taking off my clothes and swinging from my new pole. But with time and practice I'm sure to get it down soon.
And I think you are right......I should call my son and his buddies to come watch some night. I'm sure it will be an experience to remember for all.....They can remember it while they are talking to the new therapist that they are all going to need.
Thanks BF, LOL I needed a good laugh........
Thanks Colleen....
Namaste'
Deb
This is a normal part of life. This isn't even a bad thing! Your son is out, doing, experiencing, growing - it's just a part of life that has many, many good things.
Yet, even in the midst of all of this - we experience suffering.
I believe it was this statement of suffering that brought us all together, in part, under this "roof" we share.
Your son hasn't changed. He's probably enjoying himself very much. You need to focus on that.
Maybe you two can plan a "date night". Go someplace good to eat - have a great meal - make every minute count - listen to what is going on with him - and let him know exactly how you feel.
You're in my thoughts.
-bf
My head is sooooo happy for him. He is only 2 hours away, he's making great money, he seems to like his job a lot. By March he will probably be moving some where into his own store as a manager. What's not to think this is great. My head says it is. My mom reminded me .......Deb, this is what you raised him to do. Go out and be his own person and succeed. And he is doing just that. My head is thrilled for him.
My head also tells me that, he is ONLY 2 hours away. He isn't in the military in Iraq like so many sons. I really am just wallowing in self pity. I'm so blessed.....
It's just that my heart takes over and misses him terribly........I am causing myself to suffer more by being so attached. There really is something to attachment causes suffering.........lol
Funny when your kids are here and the music is loud and you think.......if I could just have a few minutes of quiet. And now it is tooooooo quiet......never happy. lol Turn up the music........
I used to carry a tape recorder with me that we would talk into and tell stories and just ramble on.
I don't know how many times I listened to those tapes all alone or bawled my eyes out.
Attachment is a bitch, isn't it?
I just hope my ex doesn't read these boards. I'm sure she would get some satisfaction out of that confession
-bf
It is our task and the price that is asked of us as parents, in exchange for all the joy. It was one of the nicest experiences when I was able to meet my first "nest leaver" as a friend for coffee at a local cafe!
Also, this beautiful piece always comforts me:
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Thank you Simon.......
I am not looking forward to the day that my daughter grows up and leaves the house!
BF - I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your son. That is truly heartbreaking! I bet you were so happy when that all ended!
Last incident was the weekend before Christmas.
As long as I'm breathing, this will continue...
-bf
Dear Deb,
Comiserations on your loss-at least he will visit?
hey if it will make you feel better _I can come around with a few guys and watch that pole dancing ......:wow:
Just for YOUR sake of course..:eek2:
cheers!
Xray
Thanks Xray
I really appreciate you being so generous as to offer to help me out just for my sake.
now when's showtime?