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John went for his second round of Cemo Monday and has had a terrible time since. Throwing up repeatedly off and on all day....Can't keep anything down. Went to the hospital for I.V. nausea meds and fluids today. It didn't help. He will go back again tomorrow. He has lost another 4 plus pounds so that is 9 pounds in 2 weeks.
It is soooooooo hard to watch someone go through all this pain and suffering and know that there really isn't anything you can do to help or make it better. It is heart breaking.
My heart goes out to you. So many weeks of horrible memories! Chemotherapy is just so painful. It also sets up conditioned responses - my GP told me that one of his patients would vomit at the sight of him in the street. And Chris (a nurse) had the same reaction at the sight of hypodermics for 6 months after the end of here series of chemos.
Our oncologist ,even though he insisted that "we're not having this conversation", said that cannabis, used in a vaporiser, was the best remedy for the nausea and vomiting. But, of course, I would never recommend unlawful activity.
Oh, Deb, it must be absolutely horrible. My heart breaks for you both, as well as the rest of your family. Helplessness is a truly terrible feeling, having no control and no way to change the circumstances must be so difficult. You're such a brave person and I know your courage and determination will see you both through this trying time. I wish with all my heart that I could alleviate the suffering you're both going through.
I know these are dark days for you so I want to remind you that they won't last forever. They're passing just as quickly as any other time, even though it probably doesn't feel that way. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel, so just hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll get there. You and John won't be feeling like this forever and pretty soon you'll be looking back on this from a much brighter time in the near future. So hold on and know that I'm with you in mind and heart, sending my love wrapped in big, gentle hugs. Remember how strong and brave you really are, and most of all, remember to practice. It's the only real refuge we have and it's there for you night and day, and so am I if ever you need a friend.
Yesterday was a rough day. For John physically and both of us mentally.
After a good cry while John was at the hospital for fluids I can honestly say I feel much better. Just need to relieve some of the tension from time to time.
Thanks for the advice.......You two are not the 1st to have suggested this even tho Missouri is not one of the 11 states that have legalized it for medical reasons. But I will say none of the docs have and that kind of surprised me. Thought they would say something like your doc did Simon.......Guess I'm naive.........
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and wishes.
After John's second round of cemo that kicked his butt......he went for a feeding tube......He had gotten down to 159 pounds. Only held down about 2000 calories in 7 days time.
The watching someone suffer that I spoke of in one of my last posts ............little did I know that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Heart breaking does not even come close............OMG
But
John has finished cemo and radiation. The docs are very optimistic. They can no longer feel either of the tumors. I'm not sure when or what tests will be done to see if the cancer is completely gone. Or how that even works. We see the radiation doc next week and will find out then.
His recovery from the cemo and radiation will be long. A year or more.... only time will tell what damage will be permanent from the cemo and radiation......lost salivary glands, taste buds amoung others. He still has the feeding tube in and still can not eat anything by mouth really......He is suppose to try to eat now to keep down the scare tissue in his throat from building up but a couple of bites of pudding is about all he can stand.....He is depressed, very very weak, talks very little but more so than he was which was not at all for several weeks.......to painful........ but he is doing better....he is moving forward..........
I do wonder tho...........will he come out on the other side........Bitter or softer........I guess that is up to him..........and only time will tell.
I hope that John's depression is also being treated. He does not need to suffer this as well, although it is a normal reaction to the aggressive therapies.
He has meds for the depression but the first day he took it he threw up 3 times. Throwing up is so painful that he won't take any more because he is afraid that is what caused it. The doc offered to write him a script for something else but he turned him down. He says he is fine. He is taking Ativan sp? for nausea, yep, it works for nausea too and that helps make him feel calmer. He had a pretty good day yesterday.......felt a bit better and had a bit of humor It's nice to see that the old John is still in there even if he only comes out but on rare occasions. I hope to see him more and more as he recovers.
Simon you have walked in my shoes and beyond.......I'm hanging in there but if it would come to the beyond.........I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it.........The place I'm at is a very lonely place to be. I have wonderful friends who have helped out and call all the time but I still feel so very alone. Even tho John is right here it feels like he is not and I miss him so much. If I feel so alone I can't even imagine how he must feel.
He has meds for the depression but the first day he took it he threw up 3 times. Throwing up is so painful that he won't take any more because he is afraid that is what caused it. The doc offered to write him a script for something else but he turned him down. He says he is fine. He is taking Ativan sp? for nausea, yep, it works for nausea too and that helps make him feel calmer. He had a pretty good day yesterday.......felt a bit better and had a bit of humor It's nice to see that the old John is still in there even if he only comes out but on rare occasions. I hope to see him more and more as he recovers.
Simon you have walked in my shoes and beyond.......I'm hanging in there but if it would come to the beyond.........I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it.........The place I'm at is a very lonely place to be. I have wonderful friends who have helped out and call all the time but I still feel so very alone. Even tho John is right here it feels like he is not and I miss him so much. If I feel so alone I can't even imagine how he must feel.
If there must be a parting, Deb love, you may surprise yourself: we do survive. This could be a good time for you to find someone to talk to, with whom to share all those feelings that it would be unfair to load onto John. I know that I would have found the process even more searing without a good counsellor.
We were lucky to have a local organisation called Winston's Wish which works with bereaved children. They were ready to support Jack even before Chris died. The hardest part was sharing that we knew that it was a real possibility. Shared denial seemed far safer but acknowledging reality was liberating if painful. For myself, I had the unconditional support of my anam cara: I could rage or weep or, even, laugh without worrying that I was making things harder for Chris. One of the things Jack and I learned from Winston's Wish was the power of shared tears.
Of all the many lessons that I learned from that time, the most significant, for me , is that I realised that nothing, not even death, can end a rerlationship unless we want it to. If anything, loss and distance can make the heart grow fonder. As Edith Sitwell put it: "In the end, All is harvest."
I do talk to my friends but they only want me to talk positive so it is hard to share my fears with them. We were offered couseling thro the hospitals but John turned them down before I could say I would like to talk to someone. I never show my fears to him. I only stay positive when I'm with him.
If I get upset I take it outside and cry and then I take a deep breath put a smile on my face and come back in.........it helps relieve my tension. I show only strength........Only once have I cried in front of him since he started treatment........and it was brief.
I am so sorry to hear about how things are going for you and John. You can use me for the friend that will listen to the non-positive things you need to say! I hope that you both find some relief soon and that you are able to find someone to talk to. Hang in there and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much love,
Kim
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited September 2007
Yo Yogamama!!
Yes, deb, what she says goes double for me too.... Hugs honey - feel free to really,really vent!
Not a chance, darling Deb! You can say all the awful, crazy things you want here and you will be completely safe. If you'd prefer not to post those thoughts on a public board use the PMing and I for one will delete the messages as soon as I've read them if that makes you feel better. But it's very important for you to get these things off your chest. I can't even imagine but I'm guessing some of your thoughts are probably dark, scary, and most likely pretty heavy to carry all by yourself. Expressing these thoughts, no matter how crazy you may think they are, will not make them come true. Letting them out by telling someone will only lighten the load you're carrying. So please let us be the ones you can safely express your thoughts to and there will be no judgment or criticism in any way. Only love, empathy and the genuine desire to understand and help in some small way.
I love you very much!
Love,
Boo
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited September 2007
I hate to sound like Whoopi Goldberg....but - Ditto.
Thanks guys............you are truly wonderful...........The next time I feel the need to vent......or I feel scared............I will take you up on it........probably by PM tho.........since my son may be joining NB. He probably doesn't need to read the stuff his mom has to say.........
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited September 2007
Forgive me, but I don't entirely agree...
There may be a case to argue that sometimes we try to shield the young too much. He sees before him a father who is very sick, and a mother who is seemingly strong and dauntless.... Vunerability may seem a weakness, but in demonstrating the depth of our hearts, our love, our fear, and our grief may open doors for us in ways we never imagined. Your son needs you right now, this is clear, but something of enormous value and closeness may develop if he sees that you may need him too....
Forgive my injection, I say this with love, support and much feeling for you all.
Share your tears, Deb sweetheart, they come from the best of you. Would you deprive your child of such a gift? How will our children handle their own grief if we do not give them an example?
When Chris was first diagnosed and going through the chemo circus, I was given a book called Grace and Grit by Ken Wiber. Whether it was the right time to read it or not, I still don't know. It is a hard read: written by both Ken and Treya as she went through treatment for and , ultimately, death from cancer. Wise friends have said that it was too hard a read so early in the process but it was important to me.
One of our cars was stolen today. I am glad we still have another car. I am glad we both have jobs and can afford TWO car payments (we JUST bought a car to replace one with transmission problems). I am glad we are all safe and no one broke into our home. I hope no one finds any of our personal information in the car, but I know how to deal with it if they do, at least. I have empathy for the person that would steal a car with a car seat in it. Frankly, I have empathy for anyone who would steal a car, period, but I always think you probably need some pretty serious help if you need to steal a car with a car seat in it. Then again, I read a lot into things.
I'm glad I wasn't too attached to the idea of buying a home this year!
No, there sure isn't, Palzang. We're all stumbling along on shaky ground, aren't we? I'm glad we have each other. And the Buddha and Dharma, of course.
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited September 2007
Oh deep Joy... Nick is just starting on his second year at Uni. we have just decided to move into slightly bigger premises (2 bedroom mid-terrace victorian cottage with a TINY, tiny space out the back - about £200 per month more expensive, but this is the way it goes...You want/need more room? It comes at a price....) but at least we'll be able to swing the proverbial cat...
and me?
I'm in line for redundancy.:banghead:
I have a 4-weeks "probationary" period (by law, to re-evaluate the situation see whether there is a way of salvaging the post, but it's frankly doubtful) then the statutory 4 week notice period, and that's it.
Wish me luck, the new job search starts now....!!
I'll keep you all posted, but there's no way we're going 'backwards'!!
Oh deep Joy... Nick is just starting on his second year at Uni. we have just decided to move into slightly bigger premises (2 bedroom mid-terrace victorian cottage with a TINY, tiny space out the back - about £200 per month more expensive, but this is the way it goes...You want/need more room? It comes at a price....) but at least we'll be able to swing the proverbial cat...
and me?
I'm in line for redundancy.:banghead:
I have a 4-weeks "probationary" period (by law, to re-evaluate the situation see whether there is a way of salvaging the post, but it's frankly doubtful) then the statutory 4 week notice period, and that's it.
Wish me luck, the new job search starts now....!!
I'll keep you all posted, but there's no way we're going 'backwards'!!
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited October 2007
OK - here's the thing:
I'm out of here today, and so may not be back in for a while...PC access poor, an' all that.
But I'm not down, and 'Out'? Don't even go there!!
I'll keep you all posted, and I'll be back aqs soon as I can.
Watch the kettle, and don't let the toast burn....
:ukflag: (we really need a WELSH flag smiley) You will be in my prayers, Fede (as soon as I figure out to whom I am praying - oh, the confusion of watching one's entire world-view collapse). At least I think I can figure out the "sending positive energy" thing, and it is certainly easy enough to think kind thoughts about you.
My sympathies to Nick. I've done my time (and then some) at the university, so I can sympathise. Hang in there, Nick. (and if you happen to be majoring in Comp Sci, give me a shout - my Ph.D. is in that field.)
Oh deep Joy... Nick is just starting on his second year at Uni. we have just decided to move into slightly bigger premises (2 bedroom mid-terrace victorian cottage with a TINY, tiny space out the back - about £200 per month more expensive, but this is the way it goes...You want/need more room? It comes at a price....) but at least we'll be able to swing the proverbial cat...
and me?
I'm in line for redundancy.:banghead:
I have a 4-weeks "probationary" period (by law, to re-evaluate the situation see whether there is a way of salvaging the post, but it's frankly doubtful) then the statutory 4 week notice period, and that's it.
Wish me luck, the new job search starts now....!!
I'll keep you all posted, but there's no way we're going 'backwards'!!
I was there for a six-day computer forensics course and found this on the property.
And herein lies my requests.
This shine was such a peaceful place, and I visited it daily while I was at the conference. I needed it. But there were people who would come by and make fun of it, and one "Christian" kept trying to talk to me while I was praying at the shrine trying to tell me that I needed to believe in Jesus.
My first request: the strength not to be angry at people like that. It bothers me when people are incapable of showing respect for the beliefs of others. I may not agree with someone else's religious beliefs, but I will not ridicule them for their beliefs, especially not in public. I did not confront the "Christian", but I harboured some very unkind thoughts toward the chap for several days. I'm sorry. I know that is not how I should have reacted, and that is why I need your guidance and strength.
My second request: strength to continue my life here in South Carolina, or to escape. Those of you who know me know more about my situation, but suffice it to say that my marriage is falling apart for numerous reasons, including (but not limited to) differences of opinion with regard to religion. My friends, I need strength to act as a Buddhist should in this situation, but I also know that I should not simply endure the abuse. I am so confused. I am watching everything that I ever knew collapse around me.
My third (and last, for now) request: direction. I am so confused. I have some very difficult choices ahead of me, and there does not seem to be a "good" answer. It only seems a matter of determining the lesser of the evils before me. I do not want to cause suffering in others, but it seems that in order to end my own suffering I must cause others to suffer. This paradox is, in and of itself, causing me to suffer. Help.
I know this forum can be a place of healing, because there are so many here who care. Thank you.
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited October 2007
Silly me.... got confused by the date of your post and thought - "Tenth June - that's clever....!" We British are so odd....
I am currently reading a very good down-to-earth book titled "City Dharma" by Arthur Jeon. It's an excellent, pithy and very relevant guide on how to practise whilst thriving in a bustling metropolis full of strangers who may or may not be on your wavelength. More often than not, they ain't. I borrowed it from our library, but it's so good, and Nick wants to read it too, that I've grabbed a copy from good ol' Amazon.
It was published in paperback a couple of years ago, so it's not too expensive.
I recommend it.
Querist, I think it may help.
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
.....and one "Christian" kept trying to talk to me while I was praying at the shrine trying to tell me that I needed to believe in Jesus.
...I did not confront the "Christian", but I harboured some very unkind thoughts toward the chap for several days. I'm sorry. I know that is not how I should have reacted, and that is why I need your guidance and strength.
..... I need strength to act as a Buddhist should in this situation, but I also know that I should not simply endure the abuse. I am so confused. I am watching everything that I ever knew collapse around me.
.....I have some very difficult choices ahead of me, and there does not seem to be a "good" answer. It only seems a matter of determining the lesser of the evils before me. I do not want to cause suffering in others, but it seems that in order to end my own suffering I must cause others to suffer. This paradox is, in and of itself, causing me to suffer. Help.
Sorry to have broken your post up a bit, but I'm going to try to offer my simple view and perspective to the above three points. (I emphasise the "my".... please accept these as personal offerings, but by no means definitive or written in stone....)
Your post is full of self-recriminations and "should"s.
First of all, don't go beating yourself up and berate yourself. Remorse is an almost instinctive reaction - it shows you have heart, and conscience. But guilt is an emotion, and can keep you stuck in a moment, tied down and helpless, hindering you from moving on. Acknowledge the way you feel, run with it, accept it and understand that it's perfectly natural.
Both the Christian - and you - were playing out your individual Egos. And that's fine. Just as sincere and heartfelt as he was, in trying to show you a better way to Live (his way, of course, because naturally, he's 'found' while you're obviously still 'lost') you found yourself tense, angry and resistant, because he was daring to infer your way is misguided, and obviously, as far as you are self-concerned, of course, you know best. His attempt to link with you, and share the delight of his life only succeeded in spoiling what you had hoped would be a personal spiritual pause. You have enough crud going on in your life without some jerk trying to shift your view.
Take a step back.
You know nothing about this guy.
What if - and it's just possible, trust me - once upon a time, he'd been a raging, Alcoholic drug-taking wife-beater, but finding Jesus turned his life around? You probably wouldn't have given him the time of day in his darkest years, and you weren't prepared to give him your time now. I agree, his timing was way out. he should have picked another moment, but he meant well. Truly. he never entered into dialogue with you, thinking- "Watch me irritate the crap out of this guy!"
Every link we have with another human being - richer, poorer, male, female, millionaire or homeless tramp - is a chance to let our Buddha-Nature manifest. What you see may not necessarily be what you'll get. Scratch beneath the surface of anyone, and thereby hangs a tale....
And how "should" a Buddhist react? Why 'shouldn't' a Buddhist be angry, sad, happy, wistful, yearning, desirous, hungry, thirsty, tired, frustrated? you can be all of those things, but equally, you have to be able to acknowledge them, go with them, flow with them, sit through them, and then come back to the surface for air. That's fine. It happens. Happen with it, then let go.
Not everything you do will cause others to suffer. The only Truly happy people on this earth are those who do things to cause the happiness for others, but it doesn't mean being a doormat. Just step away from the illusion that it's permanent and that you can take it all with you. Just as you have known wildly happy times, so you are now exoperiencing Sad times. The happy times were enjoyable, but they passed. The sad times are miserable, but - guess what? yep, you got it.
Sit still. Calm yourself and ask, what can I do RIGHT NOW, in this precise moment, to find Peace and Serenity? Then keep doing it.
as you often are, my friend, you are correct. Thank you for giving me a better perspective on this.
I was _so_ irritated by his lack of consideration. I would have been happy to talk to him when I was done. I guess it comes from a "Christian" world view that if it isn't their god then it's not real, so there's no point in respecting it. (I know far too many "Christians" who think that way - I live in the "Bible belt".)
Dear Friends,
Just wanted to come on and say Hi and tell you how things are going. John is doing better. He is starting to eat and getting up and moving around a bit. I have had to do lots of coaxing but he is starting to try. The docs do think they got all of the tumors but we will know more after the CT scan on Nov. 27th.
On one hand I'm really excited about that day. So they can tell us they are all gone. But....
On the other hand I dread the day because what if they don't tell us they are all gone. I can't imagine our reaction to those words if they come.......and then more pain and suffering for John because then his only option left will be a very dangerous surgery. I'm really trying to stay positive but I do have my moments..........of what if's. Kind of scary......
I don't have time to read and see how everyone is doing here so I hope all of you are well and things are going terrific in all your lives..........
Thank you all for all the kind words, support and prayers.......
Sending all my love and support, Deb. Bless your heart!
Why be so dern Modest, Brigid? You're quite capable of sending out all of our love and support, too. I figure you'd do a better job than I could, so I don't try... Like so many others, though, this matter hangs over us like a dark cloud and we're hoping for it to blow away and let some fresh air and sun in the window of our little room where we sit in our own little ways with Deb. WWDD? WWAD? [What Would Deb Do, What Would Anyone Do?]
Inthedharma Deb, wherever you are I reckon it's always gonna be OK. Maybe not every little thing, but nonetheless OK.
This experience that we are living right now. Sucks! but yet......it has opened my eyes and made it possible for me to see so many other ppl in even just my small little world with CANCER. Unbelievable what we have done to this planet and to ourselves to cause so much cancer. So many ppl that have it here, have it because of environmental reasons. It really is shocking to me. And I've spoken to friends who have it in their families who know ppl who have it in their families etc...etc...etc...(John's main factor for having his cancer is due to being a carpenter and breathing in wood dust for the last 30 years.) It really is mind blowing to me.
I don't know what is going to happen and I try not to think about it very much. I try and stay positive and send out lots of positive prayers and energy. Not just for John but for all who must deal with so much pain and suffering.
It really makes me want to move to the country and become self sufficient even more than ever. Be closer to nature. Live in a quiet peace. I grew up in the country on a cattle ranch and I miss that open space. Hard to explain. Will it happen? I doubt it. (John will need to stay close to his docs. and living in the country is a lot of hard work and being self sufficient is even harder work and it all takes lots of money.) And I'm ok with that.......But it would be nice. I'm just a country girl at heart I guess.
Reading back over this post I see that I'm needing things to slow down and quiet. A little peace.... I believe I will have a cup of tea.........go meditate for a bit and later work in my flower beds and spend some time with my dogs........Maybe that will help......
An update:
Earlier this week we went to St. Louis to get the results of John's last CT scan. The news was excellent! No cancer was found on the CT scan. He will have to be monitored very closely (I believe he will have a P.E.T. scan done in 6-8 weeks) to make sure the cancer does not return but the first news was wonderful to hear......
THANK YOU ALL for keeping John in your prayers and thoughts and sending him positive energy....Please continue to do so.........
I would like to ask everyone to please keep John in their thoughts and prayers. He has a spot on the roof of his mouth that we are going to have to watch and possibly will have to have a biopsy done.
It seems as soon as you relax and think things are getting better and going to be ok.........Here comes something else. Cancer keeps you on your toes. It's a scary thing!
Comments
John went for his second round of Cemo Monday and has had a terrible time since. Throwing up repeatedly off and on all day....Can't keep anything down. Went to the hospital for I.V. nausea meds and fluids today. It didn't help. He will go back again tomorrow. He has lost another 4 plus pounds so that is 9 pounds in 2 weeks.
It is soooooooo hard to watch someone go through all this pain and suffering and know that there really isn't anything you can do to help or make it better. It is heart breaking.
My heart goes out to you. So many weeks of horrible memories! Chemotherapy is just so painful. It also sets up conditioned responses - my GP told me that one of his patients would vomit at the sight of him in the street. And Chris (a nurse) had the same reaction at the sight of hypodermics for 6 months after the end of here series of chemos.
Our oncologist ,even though he insisted that "we're not having this conversation", said that cannabis, used in a vaporiser, was the best remedy for the nausea and vomiting. But, of course, I would never recommend unlawful activity.
I continue to pray for you daily, my dears.
I know these are dark days for you so I want to remind you that they won't last forever. They're passing just as quickly as any other time, even though it probably doesn't feel that way. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel, so just hold on, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll get there. You and John won't be feeling like this forever and pretty soon you'll be looking back on this from a much brighter time in the near future. So hold on and know that I'm with you in mind and heart, sending my love wrapped in big, gentle hugs. Remember how strong and brave you really are, and most of all, remember to practice. It's the only real refuge we have and it's there for you night and day, and so am I if ever you need a friend.
All my love,
Boo
Love,
Boo
Yesterday was a rough day. For John physically and both of us mentally.
After a good cry while John was at the hospital for fluids I can honestly say I feel much better. Just need to relieve some of the tension from time to time.
Thanks for the advice.......You two are not the 1st to have suggested this even tho Missouri is not one of the 11 states that have legalized it for medical reasons. But I will say none of the docs have and that kind of surprised me. Thought they would say something like your doc did Simon.......Guess I'm naive.........
Thanks again
Namaste'
After John's second round of cemo that kicked his butt......he went for a feeding tube......He had gotten down to 159 pounds. Only held down about 2000 calories in 7 days time.
The watching someone suffer that I spoke of in one of my last posts ............little did I know that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Heart breaking does not even come close............OMG
But
John has finished cemo and radiation. The docs are very optimistic. They can no longer feel either of the tumors. I'm not sure when or what tests will be done to see if the cancer is completely gone. Or how that even works. We see the radiation doc next week and will find out then.
His recovery from the cemo and radiation will be long. A year or more.... only time will tell what damage will be permanent from the cemo and radiation......lost salivary glands, taste buds amoung others. He still has the feeding tube in and still can not eat anything by mouth really......He is suppose to try to eat now to keep down the scare tissue in his throat from building up but a couple of bites of pudding is about all he can stand.....He is depressed, very very weak, talks very little but more so than he was which was not at all for several weeks.......to painful........ but he is doing better....he is moving forward..........
I do wonder tho...........will he come out on the other side........Bitter or softer........I guess that is up to him..........and only time will tell.
You both remain in my thoughts and prayers.
He has meds for the depression but the first day he took it he threw up 3 times. Throwing up is so painful that he won't take any more because he is afraid that is what caused it. The doc offered to write him a script for something else but he turned him down. He says he is fine. He is taking Ativan sp? for nausea, yep, it works for nausea too and that helps make him feel calmer. He had a pretty good day yesterday.......felt a bit better and had a bit of humor
Simon you have walked in my shoes and beyond.......I'm hanging in there but if it would come to the beyond.........I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it.........The place I'm at is a very lonely place to be. I have wonderful friends who have helped out and call all the time but I still feel so very alone. Even tho John is right here it feels like he is not and I miss him so much. If I feel so alone I can't even imagine how he must feel.
If there must be a parting, Deb love, you may surprise yourself: we do survive. This could be a good time for you to find someone to talk to, with whom to share all those feelings that it would be unfair to load onto John. I know that I would have found the process even more searing without a good counsellor.
We were lucky to have a local organisation called Winston's Wish which works with bereaved children. They were ready to support Jack even before Chris died. The hardest part was sharing that we knew that it was a real possibility. Shared denial seemed far safer but acknowledging reality was liberating if painful. For myself, I had the unconditional support of my anam cara: I could rage or weep or, even, laugh without worrying that I was making things harder for Chris. One of the things Jack and I learned from Winston's Wish was the power of shared tears.
Of all the many lessons that I learned from that time, the most significant, for me , is that I realised that nothing, not even death, can end a rerlationship unless we want it to. If anything, loss and distance can make the heart grow fonder. As Edith Sitwell put it: "In the end, All is harvest."
By the way: do you read poetry?
I do talk to my friends but they only want me to talk positive so it is hard to share my fears with them. We were offered couseling thro the hospitals but John turned them down before I could say I would like to talk to someone. I never show my fears to him. I only stay positive when I'm with him.
If I get upset I take it outside and cry and then I take a deep breath put a smile on my face and come back in.........it helps relieve my tension.
Thank you Simon...........
I am so sorry to hear about how things are going for you and John. You can use me for the friend that will listen to the non-positive things you need to say!
Much love,
Kim
Yes, deb, what she says goes double for me too.... Hugs honey - feel free to really,really vent!
you may regret your offer to let me really really vent....heehee
I love you very much!
Love,
Boo
There may be a case to argue that sometimes we try to shield the young too much. He sees before him a father who is very sick, and a mother who is seemingly strong and dauntless.... Vunerability may seem a weakness, but in demonstrating the depth of our hearts, our love, our fear, and our grief may open doors for us in ways we never imagined. Your son needs you right now, this is clear, but something of enormous value and closeness may develop if he sees that you may need him too....
Forgive my injection, I say this with love, support and much feeling for you all.
When Chris was first diagnosed and going through the chemo circus, I was given a book called Grace and Grit by Ken Wiber. Whether it was the right time to read it or not, I still don't know. It is a hard read: written by both Ken and Treya as she went through treatment for and , ultimately, death from cancer. Wise friends have said that it was too hard a read so early in the process but it was important to me.
Garce and Grit
i'll look for the book.........
I'm glad I wasn't too attached to the idea of buying a home this year!
Palzang
and me?
I'm in line for redundancy.:banghead:
I have a 4-weeks "probationary" period (by law, to re-evaluate the situation see whether there is a way of salvaging the post, but it's frankly doubtful) then the statutory 4 week notice period, and that's it.
Wish me luck, the new job search starts now....!!
I'll keep you all posted, but there's no way we're going 'backwards'!!
And I'm smiling, here....
Luck, dear sister.
I'm out of here today, and so may not be back in for a while...PC access poor, an' all that.
But I'm not down, and 'Out'? Don't even go there!!
I'll keep you all posted, and I'll be back aqs soon as I can.
Watch the kettle, and don't let the toast burn....
:rockon:
:om:
My sympathies to Nick. I've done my time (and then some) at the university, so I can sympathise. Hang in there, Nick. (and if you happen to be majoring in Comp Sci, give me a shout - my Ph.D. is in that field.)
Fortuantely, I remembered where to find real people here on the 'net.
-Q
I was there for a six-day computer forensics course and found this on the property.
And herein lies my requests.
This shine was such a peaceful place, and I visited it daily while I was at the conference. I needed it. But there were people who would come by and make fun of it, and one "Christian" kept trying to talk to me while I was praying at the shrine trying to tell me that I needed to believe in Jesus.
My first request: the strength not to be angry at people like that. It bothers me when people are incapable of showing respect for the beliefs of others. I may not agree with someone else's religious beliefs, but I will not ridicule them for their beliefs, especially not in public. I did not confront the "Christian", but I harboured some very unkind thoughts toward the chap for several days. I'm sorry. I know that is not how I should have reacted, and that is why I need your guidance and strength.
My second request: strength to continue my life here in South Carolina, or to escape. Those of you who know me know more about my situation, but suffice it to say that my marriage is falling apart for numerous reasons, including (but not limited to) differences of opinion with regard to religion. My friends, I need strength to act as a Buddhist should in this situation, but I also know that I should not simply endure the abuse. I am so confused. I am watching everything that I ever knew collapse around me.
My third (and last, for now) request: direction. I am so confused. I have some very difficult choices ahead of me, and there does not seem to be a "good" answer. It only seems a matter of determining the lesser of the evils before me. I do not want to cause suffering in others, but it seems that in order to end my own suffering I must cause others to suffer. This paradox is, in and of itself, causing me to suffer. Help.
I know this forum can be a place of healing, because there are so many here who care. Thank you.
I am currently reading a very good down-to-earth book titled "City Dharma" by Arthur Jeon. It's an excellent, pithy and very relevant guide on how to practise whilst thriving in a bustling metropolis full of strangers who may or may not be on your wavelength. More often than not, they ain't. I borrowed it from our library, but it's so good, and Nick wants to read it too, that I've grabbed a copy from good ol' Amazon.
It was published in paperback a couple of years ago, so it's not too expensive.
I recommend it.
Querist, I think it may help.
Sorry to have broken your post up a bit, but I'm going to try to offer my simple view and perspective to the above three points. (I emphasise the "my".... please accept these as personal offerings, but by no means definitive or written in stone....)
Your post is full of self-recriminations and "should"s.
First of all, don't go beating yourself up and berate yourself. Remorse is an almost instinctive reaction - it shows you have heart, and conscience. But guilt is an emotion, and can keep you stuck in a moment, tied down and helpless, hindering you from moving on. Acknowledge the way you feel, run with it, accept it and understand that it's perfectly natural.
Both the Christian - and you - were playing out your individual Egos. And that's fine. Just as sincere and heartfelt as he was, in trying to show you a better way to Live (his way, of course, because naturally, he's 'found' while you're obviously still 'lost') you found yourself tense, angry and resistant, because he was daring to infer your way is misguided, and obviously, as far as you are self-concerned, of course, you know best. His attempt to link with you, and share the delight of his life only succeeded in spoiling what you had hoped would be a personal spiritual pause. You have enough crud going on in your life without some jerk trying to shift your view.
Take a step back.
You know nothing about this guy.
What if - and it's just possible, trust me - once upon a time, he'd been a raging, Alcoholic drug-taking wife-beater, but finding Jesus turned his life around? You probably wouldn't have given him the time of day in his darkest years, and you weren't prepared to give him your time now. I agree, his timing was way out. he should have picked another moment, but he meant well. Truly. he never entered into dialogue with you, thinking- "Watch me irritate the crap out of this guy!"
Every link we have with another human being - richer, poorer, male, female, millionaire or homeless tramp - is a chance to let our Buddha-Nature manifest. What you see may not necessarily be what you'll get. Scratch beneath the surface of anyone, and thereby hangs a tale....
And how "should" a Buddhist react? Why 'shouldn't' a Buddhist be angry, sad, happy, wistful, yearning, desirous, hungry, thirsty, tired, frustrated? you can be all of those things, but equally, you have to be able to acknowledge them, go with them, flow with them, sit through them, and then come back to the surface for air. That's fine. It happens. Happen with it, then let go.
Not everything you do will cause others to suffer. The only Truly happy people on this earth are those who do things to cause the happiness for others, but it doesn't mean being a doormat. Just step away from the illusion that it's permanent and that you can take it all with you. Just as you have known wildly happy times, so you are now exoperiencing Sad times. The happy times were enjoyable, but they passed. The sad times are miserable, but - guess what? yep, you got it.
Sit still. Calm yourself and ask, what can I do RIGHT NOW, in this precise moment, to find Peace and Serenity? Then keep doing it.
as you often are, my friend, you are correct. Thank you for giving me a better perspective on this.
I was _so_ irritated by his lack of consideration. I would have been happy to talk to him when I was done. I guess it comes from a "Christian" world view that if it isn't their god then it's not real, so there's no point in respecting it. (I know far too many "Christians" who think that way - I live in the "Bible belt".)
I should not have let it bother me so much.
Just wanted to come on and say Hi and tell you how things are going. John is doing better. He is starting to eat and getting up and moving around a bit. I have had to do lots of coaxing but he is starting to try. The docs do think they got all of the tumors but we will know more after the CT scan on Nov. 27th.
On one hand I'm really excited about that day. So they can tell us they are all gone. But....
On the other hand I dread the day because what if they don't tell us they are all gone. I can't imagine our reaction to those words if they come.......and then more pain and suffering for John because then his only option left will be a very dangerous surgery. I'm really trying to stay positive but I do have my moments..........of what if's. Kind of scary......
I don't have time to read and see how everyone is doing here so I hope all of you are well and things are going terrific in all your lives..........
Thank you all for all the kind words, support and prayers.......
Namaste'
Deb
Why be so dern Modest, Brigid? You're quite capable of sending out all of our love and support, too. I figure you'd do a better job than I could, so I don't try... Like so many others, though, this matter hangs over us like a dark cloud and we're hoping for it to blow away and let some fresh air and sun in the window of our little room where we sit in our own little ways with Deb. WWDD? WWAD? [What Would Deb Do, What Would Anyone Do?]
Inthedharma Deb, wherever you are I reckon it's always gonna be OK. Maybe not every little thing, but nonetheless OK.
Metta.:om::om::om: :om::om::om: :om::om::om:
This experience that we are living right now. Sucks! but yet......it has opened my eyes and made it possible for me to see so many other ppl in even just my small little world with CANCER. Unbelievable what we have done to this planet and to ourselves to cause so much cancer. So many ppl that have it here, have it because of environmental reasons. It really is shocking to me. And I've spoken to friends who have it in their families who know ppl who have it in their families etc...etc...etc...(John's main factor for having his cancer is due to being a carpenter and breathing in wood dust for the last 30 years.) It really is mind blowing to me.
I don't know what is going to happen and I try not to think about it very much. I try and stay positive and send out lots of positive prayers and energy. Not just for John but for all who must deal with so much pain and suffering.
It really makes me want to move to the country and become self sufficient even more than ever. Be closer to nature. Live in a quiet peace. I grew up in the country on a cattle ranch and I miss that open space. Hard to explain. Will it happen? I doubt it. (John will need to stay close to his docs. and living in the country is a lot of hard work and being self sufficient is even harder work and it all takes lots of money.) And I'm ok with that.......But it would be nice. I'm just a country girl at heart I guess.
Reading back over this post I see that I'm needing things to slow down and quiet. A little peace.... I believe I will have a cup of tea.........go meditate for a bit and later work in my flower beds and spend some time with my dogs........Maybe that will help......
Make it a GREAT DAY!!
Namaste'
Deb
Earlier this week we went to St. Louis to get the results of John's last CT scan. The news was excellent! No cancer was found on the CT scan. He will have to be monitored very closely (I believe he will have a P.E.T. scan done in 6-8 weeks) to make sure the cancer does not return but the first news was wonderful to hear......
THANK YOU ALL for keeping John in your prayers and thoughts and sending him positive energy....Please continue to do so.........
Namaste'
Deb
Palzang
Can you guys check this out and add your name?
I think it's a worthy cause....
Palzang
I'm bumping this thread for a very worthy cause!!
It seems as soon as you relax and think things are getting better and going to be ok.........Here comes something else. Cancer keeps you on your toes. It's a scary thing!
Namaste'