Coming "home"

Invincible_summer

I posted awhile back that I hit a wall with Zen due to its vagueness and lack of definable goals and shifted to a more Theravadan approach. I figured if I'm at least watching the breath and noting and all that jazz, I'd be able to see how I'm doing as a meditator. Well... I hit a wall again. I became one of those jhana-junkies on Dhamma Overground (or at least, a wannabe one!) and kept grasping for the next hint of nimitta or jhana. I couldn't "let go." I became so frustrated and uptight about my "progress" with my meditation that I even became reluctant to meditate.

I'm not blaming the practice at all. I know I brought it upon myself. Just want to make that clear.


So then, in order to get some wisdom about being content with sitting, I thought I'd turn back to some Zen literature. I picked up Song of Mind by Ven. Sheng Yen (as recommended by @riverflow) and Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck (my 2nd time reading through the latter). Because I "hit the wall" again with the type of practice I thought would be better, all that Zen stuff about "not going anywhere" really clicked. I feel like I'm "home" again with my practice.



That being said, I want to emphasize that I still have great respect for Theravadan monastics, practitioners, and the practice itself. I would actually probably even recommend an anapanasati practice over zazen for most newcomers to Buddhist meditation, just because of the nature of Zen practice (my own opinion... this is obviously debatable and subjective). However, for me, Zen is where I have always felt the most comfortable.

I've also learned the importance of "letting go"... how it underlies a variety of meditation practices.

Anyone else have a similar experience with any aspect of their practice?



EDIT: I also want to thank @fivebells and @glow for helping me out when I inundated them with annoying newbie questions about samatha-vipassana/anapanasati practice. Although I feel that I'm going to move on from that, I really value the experience you two helped me develop. _/\_

Jeffrey

For me I fell into Tibetan Buddhism when I found an online course. I also before that participated in an aol weekly teaching chatroom that was also Tibetan. I had a hard time extracting meaning from the Pali Canon (that too I participated in a weekly study group). I am glad for the study group in the Pali Canon, but I prefer the direct pointing out instructions of my guru in the Tibetan lineage. I also, proof positive, know (at least in my mind) that there is a blessing in the relationship with the guru.

I always loved Zen, but didn't get too far past the 'zen candy' as I was simply taking in the vibes of the various streams.

When an obstacle comes up like my mental voices I have a strong refuge in the guru, Buddha, dharma, and sangha. That's the greatest gift I have found. I can be in the ER (emergency room/doctor) and I have that refuge.

genkaku

Maybe I'm wrong, but I simply cannot imagine getting serious about any practice without hitting one wall or another. The impetus that brings anyone to practice is so often laced with imaginative hopes and expectations and beliefs ... and then, when anyone actually tries it ... well, it's inevitable: The ideals get kicked in the tail ... hard!

I'm not trying to detract from the disappointment or frustration that can erupt. I'm just trying to say that it's par for the course for anyone who decides to serious up.
It's hard medicine and all the jibber-jabber about how it's "good for you" doesn't cushion the blow. This is the point at which determination (and perhaps a few brisk cuss words) is required.

Best wishes.

Jeffrey

Oh yes, gengkaku. I definitely hit many walls. But my guru was still there whatever I went through. I even gave up meditating for awhile and it was no big deal.

My cat is on my zafu and he is as important as me and my practice.

lobster

:banghead:

Even we punk Buddhists have our 'methods . . .'

How many ways to get what you want
I use the best I use the rest
I use the enemy.
I use anarchy
'Cause I wanna be anarchy
Sex Pistols

I like both the simple clarity of Zen and the crazy wisdom and blessing from deity practice.

The last formal practice I attended belonged to the Theravadin tradition . . .

The important lesson about walls is sit in front of them, such a joy when you no longer try breaking through them . . . and in time they dissolve . . .

how

@Invincible_summer
You probably already know this but...

Most of the defence mechanisms of a challenged identity arise as one obstruction or another.
They only confirm that you are meditatively threatening your own state of ignorance.

When deciding what spiritual compass bearing to follow I'd remember that while a questing mind often remains in the service of our identity, meditation with the 4 NT & 8 FP serves only the path to sufferings cessation..

riverflow

@Invincible_summer - Zen or Theravada, it makes me happy to know you have a "place" of practice that you find resonates with you. Sometimes you need to take what may look like a slight detour, when actually you've never stepped off the road at all.

I suppose I had a similar experience last year when my cat died. I suddenly could not connect to Buddhism (as a whole!) and ceased practicing altogether. I know it originally stemmed from my own grieving process, but I turned instead to Stoic philosophy. And no, Stoicism has nothing to do with the stereotype of having a stiff upper lip, "my head is bloody, but unbowed," or having no emotion. (the words stoic, as well as epicurean, skeptic, and cynic all had very different meanings originally) Anyway, so I went for a whole year of studying Stoic philosophy, which in some aspects resembles Buddhism.

On the anniversary of my cat's death, I made it a special day of remembrance and finally let him go. And then I found I started meditating again! I did learn a lot from the experience of loss (I won't stop practicing if I ever lose another cat one day!). But also this apparent "detour" actually helped me to understand Buddhism more deeply I think. Stoicism helped me to understand Buddhism from an angle I had previously not thought about. And similarly, your understanding and experience of Theravada will actually enrich your understanding of Zen (and vice versa).

"I really enjoy forgetting. When I first come to a place, I notice all the little details. I notice the way the sky looks. The color of white paper. The way people walk. Doorknobs. Everything. Then I get used to the place and I don't notice those things anymore. So only by forgetting can I see the place again as it really is." ~ David Byrne, in the final scene from True Stories

Jainarayan

genkaku said:

Maybe I'm wrong, but I simply cannot imagine getting serious about any practice without hitting one wall or another. The impetus that brings anyone to practice is so often laced with imaginative hopes and expectations and beliefs ... and then, when anyone actually tries it ... well, it's inevitable: The ideals get kicked in the tail ... hard!

I don't think you're wrong at all. That's one of the wisest things I've ever read. I can relate to it. :thumbsup:

footiam

They say every road leads to Rome. There must a Theravada way, a Mahayana way, a zen way, even a zany way. If you are taking the Theravada way, I suppose if the bus you are taking hits a dead end, you could catch another bus to Zen and proceed to you intended destination from there. While in the Zen bus, that doesn't means you could not use the Theravada ticket you have bought. In some cities in Europe and elsewhere in the world, I heard you can get a ticket and with the same ticket, take a train or a bus to reach your intended destination. During Buddha's time, there is no such thing as Theravada, Mahayana or Zen approach.